I could have saved my father’s life. But I’m not sure if I should have.

[hawktagon]

Hello there,

I have never used this platform before but I figured it could not hurt. 

A little over a year ago, my father passed away unexpectedly. He was 60 years old. It was less than a week before my 17th birthday and I even have a voicemail from him from two days prior. The last thing he said to me was the night before, and it was that he was going to drive me to school. 

I could not find him that morning. I checked all around the house. Well then, he must be outside, right? I stepped outside. It was February, quite a bit of snow, and sure enough footprints trailed all the way to his car. But where was he? I couldn’t find him, and if I didn’t start walking to school I would surely be late. 

Should I check his car? No, he always wants me to go to school on time; he would have told me to do that. I should go to school. But I text my mom to check his car. Something is wrong; I can’t prove it but I am sure of it. When I got to school, I joked to a friend that he might even be dead, of all probable things.

It’s a bit past two o’clock. I am called down to the counseling office. My sister is waiting for me. She says he did not make it. I understand what she means. I couldn’t see him because he had been slouched over in the driver’s seat of his car, which was facing the road. That was many hours ago.

I left him to die in the freezing cold. I did not even take the few minutes that it would have taken to check his car. I made the conscious decision not to do that, and instead to go to school.

My mother told me from the very first day since it happened that she blames me, at least to some degree, for his death. She only read my text hours after I’d sent it. If I had checked his car immeadiately, I could have saved his life. That was a legitimate possibility given the circumstances of his death.

He died while his car was parked directly in front of our house. And we cannot afford to buy another car. So my mom wants me to learn how to drive in it. Sitting in the same exact seat. I have had to look at that car every time I leave my house, every time I come back, and every time I look out of my living room window. She decided to get rid of it recently. Now it is destroyed in some lot. 

I discovered that my father never left the name of a single family member in the paperwork of our house. Or his car. We do not legally have control over anything. It does not matter that my mom is his spouse. The fact that we are still living in our, er, his home is the result of countless lawyers and of agonizing over an issue that my father should have prevented with a name that he lied and said he had written. We have discovered many more secrets, which has brought me to question exactly how guilty I should feel for not having saved that life of his.

I am perfectly aware that “it is not my fault” but that at the same time, it kind of is.

This is not as sad as it is...annoying. I am annoyed at how it is not the fact that he freakin’ died that is the worst part, but the Pandora’s box of his secrets that my family and I must pay for. I am annoyed that we have lived together all my life but talked so little while he was alive that my life almost feels exactly the same. I am annoyed that it has been over a year now and I have still not convinced myself that it is not my fault. 

Thanks to everyone who managed to read all that; I would apologize for the length but I pretty much apologize for everything so I think I’ll let myself slide this time. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Hawktagon,

I am so sorry for your loss. That is so much to go through. I have thoughts like that about my family. All the things I didn’t know and have to figure out and take care of. Not knowing how and the enormous responsibility that I feel. The way things happened are not our fault. We logically know it, but grief can make us feel otherwise. It wasn’t your fault. I’m sad about what was said to you. I wish that didn’t happen. People say and do things in grief where anger is misdirected. I have had things said to me that felt like a dagger to my heart and I try and remind myself that the people saying thise things are hurting. It doesn’t make it ok that they said it, but for my own survival, I repeatedly try to forgive and move forward with love. I hope that life eases up on you. Losing a parent is enough to have to go through without all that extra stuff that’s swirling around. I lost my brother and then my mom about six months later. I couldn’t save either of them. With my brother I maybe could have if I follwed my instinct and got to him sooner. I kept telling everyone something was wrong and no one listened. I should have driven to his apartment sooner. It’s not my fault that he died, but I still feel guilt. I practice releasing the guilt. It is hard as hell. You have my empathy. 

[Gwensdaughter75]

Hawktagon,

I am sorry that you were ever made to feel that your father's untimely death, was in anyway your fault.  I cannot imagine being your age and having to suffer such a trauma.  I am 48 right now.  My mother died recently and my father died back when I was 24.

I also get how you're feeling.  Being sad and annoyed.  Both of my parents left a few things undone and you are forced to endure the stress of hating that they are gone, combined with dealing with their unfinished business.  Unfinished business that could be costly.  But your father, in all likelihood, probably meant to put things right.  He probably thought he had more time to do so.

People will try and say comforting things during times like this.  Or they think they are saying comforting things. And they will have their own opinions of what your family should be doing to handle things, without offering any real assistance.   But the only true thing that I've ever heard  is that 'you have to give it time'.  It took years for me to stop blaming my  mother for my father's death.  They weren't  getting along at the time and in my mind, I convinced myself that she stressed him out and killed him.  She didn't but at 24 and even 25, I didn't feel that way.

Give it time. There will come a day when you can relate what happened to someone and not feel so overwhelmed by it.  Even after a year, this is still raw for you.  Do not apologize for the length of your post or anything else.

 

 

 

 

 

[reader]

Dear Hawktagon,

I am so sorry for your loss. You are so young and its just too much for one person.

Please don't blame yourself. How could you know? I have to tell you, I would have done the same thing because my father was exactly the same. I worried about upsetting him and I would try in my mind do what he would want. I know everything is 20/20 in hindsight and none of it helps.

Grief brings up so many raw emotions. It is only natural to be angry about some of things that you never knew about. All the paperwork and dealing with your mom's grief as well.

I hope you will consider grief counselling or joining a support group. Surround yourself with loving friends and family. And know you are not alone in everything you are feeling and going through.

Sending all my thoughts and prayers. We are all here with you and you can write as much as you want.