My dad died and mom is terminally ill

[LStud]

My dad died of a heart attack almost 9 years ago now. It was sudden and traumatic, as he was on a business trip in the Philippines. My mom and I got on a flight when he had his heart attack, planning on nursing him back to health. When we reached our connecting flight in South Korea, we learned that he already died. We still flew to Manila in order to deal with the U.S. Embassy and escorting his body back. At the time, he was 48. It was just a couple weeks before my 21st birthday.

Eight years later (one year ago), my mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer. It's all over her body, and she is currently going through more testing to see if the cancer has spread into her brain. She has undergone many surgeries and testing, and is in the middle of receiving chemo infusion therapy. Her quality of life is awful and it's such a hard thing to watch your mom go through. Especially when she doesn't have the love of her life to be by her side through it. With the progression of the cancer, my mom may not have a lot of time left to live. It absolutely breaks my heart, and at the same time, I am sad and mad for myself that I might lose my other parent before I'm 30.

** I feel selfish for thinking of myself when my mom is the one suffering but I have to be honest and raw about the fact that it DOES hurt me. **

Most of the time I feel like I can deal with it by talking to my mom or sister, or crying, etc., but there's a very deep, dark space in my heart that is not okay. I'm terrified to lose my mom, I'm sad she's suffering, I'm sad I don't have my dad and might not have my mom, I'm sad they won't be able to tell me stories of earlier years, I'm mad that it's happening to ME and MY family, I'm sad and mad that my children will never know and enjoy what would be their amazing grandparent(s). But the worst part is when I get in that dark mental space and I instinctively close myself off from the people that I love. I'll lash out at the people close to me, and it's not fair. I just want to deal with my grief in a healthier way and be able to accept the situation and the fact that I don't have control over a lot things.

Thank you for reading.

[reader]

Dear LStud,

Please know that what you are feeling is natural and normal. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's diagnosis. There are a lot of raw feelings to deal with and you are so right its not right. And its not fair. Of course, it hurts. It hurts to the core to think about losing your dear mother.

I hope you can find some additional supports in the community or through church. Maybe consider talking to a counsellor or finding a support group. Please know we are all here to listen as well.

Sending my thoughts and prayers. Thinking of you.