I've joined the ranks of Orphan

[rwbpiano]

My mother died two weeks ago today. So now I'm officially a middle-aged orphan. It was different when Daddy died 15 years ago. I grieved, but still had Mother. My role was one of becoming her support network after his death. Now, there's nothing. At first I felt relief. No more pain and suffering. No more mini-strokes that each took one more bite out of her life and dignity. She had a massive stroke on a Tuesday, and died with me at her bedside the next day, two weeks shy of her 87th birthday.. No regrets. But now, I just feel this big emptiness. Nobody remains alive who knew the cute or mischievous things I did as a little boy. It's really true that people want you to get over it quick. They want you to tell them you're fine when they ask "how are you doing." So, I tell them I'm doing okay, that her passing was a blessing because she's not longer wheelchair bound. She was a woman of great faith, so we share the "I know I'll see her again" line. 

But when that last parent dies, the final cord with the past that you've always relied upon is suddenly gone. No more phone calls from mother. No more Christmas visits. No more driving three hours to my childhood home, only to have mother waiting up at midnight with a smile and a hello and a pot of potato soup. No more visits to the assisted facility near me that became her home that last two years. Her last two years were hell, with failing health and anger over not being able to live at home anymore. I know time will heal, but I now know what the people who have told me over the years "I miss my mom and dad every day" are talking about. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

rwbpiano,

I am so sorry for your losses. I’m so sad for your heartache. I empathize with you.  I too think about all of the “no more’s” and no one to know and tell the stories about me and us. Clearly you were so close with your mom and I think that’s beautiful. You were strength, light and so much more for her. I too was with my mom when she passed (I was her caregiver). Weeks before my mom passed away, a nurse said I’ll look back on the whole experience and be so happy I was there to take care of my mom and be with her...and of course I was. I wouldn’t have had it any other way, but I’m not in a head space at this point where I can even begin to think about that. I guess maybe the nurse was trying to comfort me, or plant that seed because she knew what was coming and knew the devastation I would feel. I feel blessed that I was there calming my mom, holding her, playing her music and whispering how much I loved her and thanking her for everything she’s ever done for me. But mostly all I can think about, is how I miss her and wish she were still here for us to be togther. We had plans. It’s a scary, anxiety inducing feeling for me to be middle age and alone without her as an anchor. The only place I’ve found people who relate is on this forum. In my every day life I experience people’s confusion regarding not doing more in my life at the moment and why am I not further a long in my grief. I am doing the best I can trying to just get up every day and function. I go to therapy, make myself eat something and do a small amount of work. I want to be doing more and to also feel better, but I’m not there yet and I tell myself that’s ok. I know I will never know that kind of love ever again. You’re right about the big feeling of emptiness, I feel that way too. I hope this forum gives you a place where you can just continue to speak freely and get those feelings out. You’re in my thoughts.