Husband's Birthday

[LeannC45]

I haven't posted in a while. My husband has been gone for a year and 3 months. Next week is his birthday and I can feel the dark loneliness creeping back in. I can't help but think about where we would be if this didn't happen. People say don't compare the past with what is but it is hard not to. I have been experiencing some guilt about wanting to move forward. I finally realize that moving on is a part of life and staying in the darkness is no way to live. It is so hard because things have really changed since the last time I was single almost 19 years ago. I just hate that I even have to think about these things. So hard. Anyways I just wanted to check in with everyone here. This forum really helped me when I literally didn't know what to do. Sending hugs and prayers to everyone that finds themselves on this journey.

[Billie Rae]

I haven't posted in a while. My husband has been gone for a year and 3 months. Next week is his birthday and I can feel the dark loneliness creeping back in. I can't help but think about where we would be if this didn't happen. People say don't compare the past with what is but it is hard not to. I have been experiencing some guilt about wanting to move forward. I finally realize that moving on is a part of life and staying in the darkness is no way to live. It is so hard because things have really changed since the last time I was single almost 19 years ago. I just hate that I even have to think about these things. So hard. Anyways I just wanted to check in with everyone here. This forum really helped me when I literally didn't know what to do. Sending hugs and prayers to everyone that finds themselves on this journey.

Just one step at a time.The guilt will be there,how can we go on when they can't?As my Charlie got within days of his death he became thoughtful(so not him before)and one of the things he said to me was to remember him but go on with life.He said he would be so unhappy if I didn't live my full life,It would honor him if I did my best.He also told me that he hopes someday I would make someone else as happy as I made him(I won't push that one)yes I feel guilty for living and guilt when I find myself enjoying something but over time(I'm only two and a half months in)I will try to do as he asked because I know he meant it.He told me to go find life.
I hope you find some peace
Love
Billie

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[JES]

8@LeannC45  Am glad you came back to share your feelings, sorry its been extra hard lately.....my thoughts are most of us will  go through the ups and downs for a long, long time....Im over 6 months now, its alittle easier, but no matter what happens in the future I know he will always be with me, tucked in a special place in my heart, birthdays will bring memories, holidays, and Im sure many times, darker, lonelier days....  I can't imagine it any different. I think if we are ready to move on,  it will happen when and if it is time,  we will just know,  if never, we will know that too.  Sending love Jeanne

[Laney]

I can so relate to everything you said.... I’m just over nine months since losing my husband of 19 years, the love of my Life & best friend.

thanks for sharing, it helps to know I’m not the only one feeling this way., 

[LeannC45]

Thank you so much to everyone who responded. As always the replies help me to get perspective and remind me that I am not alone. There are so many transitions through this journey and I feel like I am definitely feeling some new confusing thoughts. I think in the first year because of all the first's without your love you can't even fathom life without them. All I did was survive and now I am feeling like new beginnings are possible and even more then that, I want them. It doesn't mean another man but new experiences in general. I don't want to waste my life experience curled up in the dark. I have hope for a bright future and giving myself permission is paramount.  

[Sunflower2]

59 minutes ago, LeannC45 said:

Thank you so much to everyone who responded. As always the replies help me to get perspective and remind me that I am not alone. There are so many transitions through this journey and I feel like I am definitely feeling some new confusing thoughts. I think in the first year because of all the first's without your love you can't even fathom life without them. All I did was survive and now I am feeling like new beginnings are possible and even more then that, I want them. It doesn't mean another man but new experiences in general. I don't want to waste my life experience curled up in the dark. I have hope for a bright future and giving myself permission is paramount.  

@LeannC45 you so always deeply share from the heart.  Simple  but deep and meaningful shares.  I understand. We do move forward in light and love. My belief is to be open to receive.  There are  so many slivers of joy, love and life that do come through the cracks.  In receiving I'm not and cannot replace the connection I had with Wayne.  I do feel that uplifting energy that often appears when I least expect  it. I feel it.  It is there.  Not how we would want it without our partners but how it is.  Comfort always being sent to you Leann! xo

~Sunflower~

[KayC]

Leann, it's good to hear from you again, I've missed you. I think their birthdays, special days will always be hard for us but progressively less so the more years go by.  I agree with Sunflower, there are slivers of joy that slip through, I embrace them and they help greatly in "doing this time" as I've come of think of it.  Sending you wishes for peace and even some of those slivers of joy!

[Heart&Soul]

It's my 50th birthday tomorrow and I feel so sad that the love of my life is not here to share it with me.  I have been feeling really sad for the last few days - crying every evening when I am alone at home.  It's so hard some days to even go on but I know I have to.

Hugs to everyone here.

[KayC]

I know it's hard to have your birthday without the one here that made it special, but I hope you have bright spots in it all the same, knowing you are loved and cared for by family and friends.

 

 

[LeannC45]

15 hours ago, Heart&Soul said:

It's my 50th birthday tomorrow and I feel so sad that the love of my life is not here to share it with me.  I have been feeling really sad for the last few days - crying every evening when I am alone at home.  It's so hard some days to even go on but I know I have to.

Hugs to everyone here.

Sending you warm wishes on your 50th birthday. I hope that you spend it with someone who makes you smile and brightens your day. 

[Billie Rae]

@LeanneC May your birthday be peaceful 50 is a very special milestone,we are wiser and yet young enough to enjoy it.
Love on your birthday
Billie

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[foreverhis]

19 hours ago, Heart&Soul said:

It's my 50th birthday tomorrow and I feel so sad that the love of my life is not here to share it with me.  I have been feeling really sad for the last few days - crying every evening when I am alone at home.  It's so hard some days to even go on but I know I have to.

Hugs to everyone here.

Today is our daughter's birthday.  Her first without her dad.  Her first where I have to make sure she knows he will always love her.  Her first where he didn't choose the perfect card to send up.  He had a knack for that.  It drove me nuts because I could look at 50 cards and not be sure.  Then he'd scan the choices, pick one out, and it would be just right.  Her first where he and I didn't figure out a gift or gifts for her together.  Even last year in the midst of transitioning from chemo to preparing for his second surgery, he was on it.  He suggested the perfect thing, which I bought and had shipped up to her.  He came home from his second hospital stay on her birthday.  She said that was all the present she needed.

I didn't realize until this morning how hard today would be for me.  I knew it would be torture for her.

I am sending to you what I emailed to her this morning:  Love, hugs, and (oh heck, why not) kisses.  I'll add a little prayer that you have a measure of peace and comfort today.

[KayC]

@foreverhis  I hope her birthday went alright for her, very poignant, very hard, I hope she knows her daddy will always love her no matter where he is or that he can't verbally tell her, it's understood.

[Billie Rae]

Today is our daughter's birthday.  Her first without her dad.  Her first where I have to make sure she knows he will always love her.  Her first where he didn't choose the perfect card to send up.  He had a knack for that.  It drove me nuts because I could look at 50 cards and not be sure.  Then he'd scan the choices, pick one out, and it would be just right.  Her first where he and I didn't figure out a gift or gifts for her together.  Even last year in the midst of transitioning from chemo to preparing for his second surgery, he was on it.  He suggested the perfect thing, which I bought and had shipped up to her.  He came home from his second hospital stay on her birthday.  She said that was all the present she needed.
I didn't realize until this morning how hard today would be for me.  I knew it would be torture for her.
I am sending to you what I emailed to her this morning:  Love, hugs, and (oh heck, why not) kisses.  I'll add a little prayer that you have a measure of peace and comfort today.

April 1st was Kendra,Charlie's daughters birthday,she turned 30.I told her that her dad was and is so proud of the woman she has become(despite a father who was lax and a mother who never got schizophrenia under control and is in state care)She is smart,has a great job and is active in her family of aunts,uncles and cousins.I told her we had talked about what an amazing person she is.My heart broke for her to have such an important birthday without her daddy.

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[KayC]

My response to you is the same as to foreverhis, Billie Rae, I hope she knows wherever her daddy is now, he always loves her and is with her in spirit.  Hugs to her wonderful stepmom!

[LeannC45]

I will be spending my husband's birthday next week with a long time friend from childhood. She reached out to me a couple days ago after nine years of not seeing her. It almost feels like my husband has a hand in making sure I don't spend it alone. I know last year on his birthday I slipped into a very dark hole and the sorrow swallowed me up. This year I want to honor him in memory without going into such despair. I miss him so much he had such an amazing smile and an infectious laugh that would make me laugh even if I didn't know why he was laughing. LOL...So many beautiful qualities that I now cherish and have enveloped into the tapestry of my soul. I am better for knowing him. 

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

@foreverhis  I hope her birthday went alright for her, very poignant, very hard, I hope she knows her daddy will always love her no matter where he is or that he can't verbally tell her, it's understood.

She knows her daddy is with her in spirit, but I made sure to remind her anyway.  She's got a good circle of friends in Seattle and several on FB around the country who she keeps in touch with from high school and college.  They stepped up to make sure she had a good birthday, mostly by simply treating it as the special day it is for her.

There was an unexpected twist to the day.  An extended family member gave birth to a beautiful girl.  The baby wasn't due for 3 weeks, but they induced due to complications.  We couldn't help but be reminded of the circle of life.  Plus, it brought smiles to several of us who were hoping for something, anything to help us through the day.

 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

This year I want to honor him in memory without going into such despair.

A very worthy goal!  I'm glad you've had contact with a friend and you'll get to spend his birthday doing something together.  It helps to have a plan for those special days.

20 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

I am better for knowing him.

This is why, no matter how great the pain of missing him, I am so glad I had him in my life for the time that I did...I learned so much from him and I am a different person for having known him.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

An extended family member gave birth to a beautiful girl.

What a nice birthday present for her!

[foreverhis]

23 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

I am better for knowing him.

I too am a better person for knowing my husband.  I'm a pretty good person, but I'm okay with admitting he was a better one.  Not a saint, certainly not.  He was an imperfect human, but the best person I've ever known.  He made me want to do better, even though I didn't always succeed.  I miss everything about him, even the little things that used to bug the heck out of me.

[Pim]

On 4/1/2019 at 11:16 PM, LeannC45 said:

I haven't posted in a while. My husband has been gone for a year and 3 months. Next week is his birthday and I can feel the dark loneliness creeping back in. I can't help but think about where we would be if this didn't happen. People say don't compare the past with what is but it is hard not to. I have been experiencing some guilt about wanting to move forward. I finally realize that moving on is a part of life and staying in the darkness is no way to live. It is so hard because things have really changed since the last time I was single almost 19 years ago. I just hate that I even have to think about these things. So hard. Anyways I just wanted to check in with everyone here. This forum really helped me when I literally didn't know what to do. Sending hugs and prayers to everyone that finds themselves on this journey.

Oh my, I can relate to every single word. All of your statements are so recognisable.

It's so strange this guilt thing. We didn't cause these diseases, traffic accidents, etcetera. But still there is a feeling of guilt when you do something nice again after some time has passed, or start to think about the future...

On 4/2/2019 at 3:47 AM, Billie Rae said:

Just one step at a time.The guilt will be there,how can we go on when they can't?As my Charlie got within days of his death he became thoughtful(so not him before)and one of the things he said to me was to remember him but go on with life.He said he would be so unhappy if I didn't live my full life,It would honor him if I did my best.He also told me that he hopes someday I would make someone else as happy as I made him(I won't push that one)yes I feel guilty for living and guilt when I find myself enjoying something but over time(I'm only two and a half months in)I will try to do as he asked because I know he meant it.He told me to go find life.

Billie Rae, they were the ones that were not going to survive and they were worried for us. It's so incredible. On the other hand, had things been reversed, wouldn't we want them to be happy too? I had a talk with Rob the afternoon before he died and he made me say that I would try to lead my life as best as I could and that I would try to be happy again (but I could not actually give him that guarantee). It was almost as if this was what he had been waiting for. The next morning he passed away.

Hugs to you all, Pim

[Billie Rae]

@Pim,I'm absolutely positive that the one who loved us wants us to be happy,after all love is wanting the other person to have joy.I know Charlie would not want me to stop my life and be miserable.He made me promise that I would carry his ashes into my new life so her could see me happy.
They really don't want us to live our lives in despondency.
Love
Billie

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[SSC]

It will be my husband’s birthday tomorrow.  He would have been 54.  Now, in my mind he will always be 53 and he will never age.  I will continue to grow old and in a few years I will be “older” then him.  Time is so crazy while grieving.  It feels like he died yesterday but it’s been forever since I’ve seen him last.  It can be so surreal.

About a week ago our headstone was finally placed on his gravesite.  Just in time for his birthday.  Seeing the marker there makes it all so final.  It can’t be denied.  His name engraved in stone says it all.  Tomorrow I will go in the morning and put flowers in his vase and have breakfast with him, have a good chat and cry then spend the day doing things he loved to do.  Every year on each of our birthdays we would do whatever we wanted for our special day.  Buy anything we wanted, do anything we wanted and the other one had to go and enjoy every minute of it!  That’s what I loved most about our relationship.  We were best friends.  We did everything together and wouldn’t want it any other way.  My daughter is taking the day off with me and we will reminisce and make his birthday a memorable one.

 

[KayC]

SSC, your relationship sounds like ours.  Thinking of you today...wishing him a happy birthday, although I know they'd be happier spending their birthdays with us.  (((hugs)))

[SSC]

Thank you @KayC your kind words mean so much!  I’m trying to make today a happy positive one, celebrating Steve’s life and what a wonderful man he is!

[LeannC45]

4 hours ago, SSC said:

Thank you @KayC your kind words mean so much!  I’m trying to make today a happy positive one, celebrating Steve’s life and what a wonderful man he is!

Sending love and support through the emotional waves that will wash over you on your loves birthday. I made it through my husbands birthday surrounded by family and friends. I planned a trip out of state on my husbands birthday to be in a new environment to get away from the heaviness of my everyday life. It really helped. Last night I dreamt about my husband all night long. I kept waking up crying only to make myself lay back down to hurry and find my way back to him in my dreams. Today I feel sensitive and very emotional. I know he was with me I felt it and that breaks my heart all over again. 

[Billie Rae]

@Sac go through this day knowing we are with you and our virtual arms are protectivly around you.
May peace be in your heart on this day.
Love
Billie


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[Billie Rae]

Stupid auto correct,Ssc not soc[emoji21]

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[JES]

@SSC  Thinking of you on this day and sending you love.  Jeanne

[KayC]

My husband died five days after his birthday so I didn't have to deal with his birthday for almost a year but then I had both his bdy and anv of death (which was on Father's Day, so most years two anv. of death days) all in one week.  It's a tough week.

[SSC]

My love and thanks to all of you for your support on this difficult day.  Many tears were shed but we were able to smile as well, remembering happier times.  Time continues to move forward and I’m learning to cope in ways I never thought I could. 

Hugs to you all