The After Effects of the Funeral

[GrievingSoul]

I’ve been having difficulty sleeping for the past few days every since the wake and my love’s funeral. Images of his lifeless body haunts me, and I dare to close my eyes for fear that those last thoughts would manifest itself as my first dream. I’d fall asleep for a little while, and wake up no more than 20 minutes later with my heart palpitating uncontrollably. Seeing my love in his deceased form ruined the once lively and energetic image I previously had engraved into my head. Now all I envision is subtly pursed lips, and eyes that never open. And the stillness is the worst. Prior to his funeral, I had dreams about him moving around, and we cuddling and smiling on our sofa. He was full of life, and my memories was full of happiness. Now all I can see is death. I hate funerals. I hate them with a passion. They steal the remainding lively essence you remember about that person. Now my daily routine consists of trying to revive that vibrant image of my love that once comforted me in the wee hours of the morning when sleep forsook me. I just wished that I never had to attend a funeral ever again. It’s mental poison. It’s enough having to cope with knowing the person you love is never going to walk through the doors of your house ever again, but having a physical image to associate with that realization as to why they aren’t ever coming back is even more devastating. I’m just suffering so badl y, and the person that could make it all better is sadly the person who is no longer here. I just feel so lost all of the time. I just wish I could go to sleep, and dream about my love in all of his essence, and stay in that dream forever. 

[KayC]

It is hard attending funerals after losing our loved one, it brings it all back to us.  Going to the hospital was that way for me too.  It gets better with time (years) but I remember the first time I went to a hospital after George died, quite a bit of time had passed, but it hit me hard...it was the same hospital.

I too wish I could stay in a good dream of him.  I'm sorry you're going through this. 

 

[Moment2moment]

On 4/1/2019 at 2:12 PM, GrievingSoul said:

I’ve been having difficulty sleeping for the past few days every since the wake and my love’s funeral. Images of his lifeless body haunts me, and I dare to close my eyes for fear that those last thoughts would manifest itself as my first dream. I’d fall asleep for a little while, and wake up no more than 20 minutes later with my heart palpitating uncontrollably. Seeing my love in his deceased form ruined the once lively and energetic image I previously had engraved into my head. Now all I envision is subtly pursed lips, and eyes that never open. And the stillness is the worst. Prior to his funeral, I had dreams about him moving around, and we cuddling and smiling on our sofa. He was full of life, and my memories was full of happiness. Now all I can see is death. I hate funerals. I hate them with a passion. They steal the remainding lively essence you remember about that person. Now my daily routine consists of trying to revive that vibrant image of my love that once comforted me in the wee hours of the morning when sleep forsook me. I just wished that I never had to attend a funeral ever again. It’s mental poison. It’s enough having to cope with knowing the person you love is never going to walk through the doors of your house ever again, but having a physical image to associate with that realization as to why they aren’t ever coming back is even more devastating. I’m just suffering so badl y, and the person that could make it all better is sadly the person who is no longer here. I just feel so lost all of the time. I just wish I could go to sleep, and dream about my love in all of his essence, and stay in that dream forever. 

Well there was no funeral here but I can certainly understand how you feel as I have images of her dying in hospice and of the changes as she deteriorated before. Flashbacks, sights, sounds, everything beyond my wildest imagination of watching some one you love suffer. I was not at the hospice unit when she died and I choose to not drive over there alone and see her lifeless body. I preferred to remember like she was when she was well and happy.

I still get the intrusive memories and images, but not as much as in the first few months after her passing. I am 11 months out.

Try to conjure up some happy images and maybe set out happy photos of the good times. I do anything I can to stay busy, to keep my mind occupied. Otherwise I would totally lose it and fall into that Dark Pit.

You are loved and supported here. Keep telling your story. We get it. It will get more bearable so please know that. 

Love,

Lily Bell

 

[GrievingSoul]

@Moment2moment Thank you so much for those comforting words. I also have flashbacks of the times I visited him in the hospital. It is all just so terrible. I am supposed to be spending time with a friend tomorrow, and hopefully that will take my mind off of those horrible moments leading up to his death. I am so happy for this community. It is really helping me cope. It feels good to know that you are not on this unwanted journey alone. 

[GrievingSoul]

13 hours ago, KayC said:

 

It is hard attending funerals after losing our loved one, it brings it all back to us

 

Yes it does. It was already enough the inevitable lurked in the air like the elephant in the room during visitation, but seeing that “elephant” manifest into a reality is just all too painful. I really hate that I ever agreed to see him in that manner. I plan on being very vocal to my loved ones about my reluctance to see them in that fashion if they are to go before I do. I just can’t poison myself with those types of images anymore. 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, GrievingSoul said:

I just can’t poison myself with those types of images anymore.

I think our brain remembers image-memories more fastly, they are hard to shake.  That's why it's hard to shake the haunting memories of his eyes bugging out when he was having his fatal heart attack.  I won't ever forget it, he was in acute distress and pain.  I guess that's why some people go through EFT and EMDR therapy.

[GrievingSoul]

31 minutes ago, KayC said:

That's why it's hard to shake the haunting memories of his eyes bugging out when he was having his fatal heart attack. 

I also have a visual of my love passing away. The last visit I ever made to him was actually when he was supposed to die, but had it not been for myself and his mother, he would have. I will never forget how he was in so much excruciating pain, that he had climbed into bed, and curled up in a fetal position. One of his eyes started to roll ferociously to the back of his head, and the other one stood deathly still, starring straight into nothingness. He wasn’t moving, or breathing at all. His mom and I started to panic, and she started calling his name and repeating over and over that she “was here baby.” I was holding his hand, so I started to tap lightly on his body, asking him questions really loudly. “Are you tired, honey? Do you need to rest? Do you want us to stop bothering you?” In what felt like eternity (but realistically was 45 seconds later), he regained consciousness, and started to moan again and move around. I had to leave to pick up my son from school shortly afterwards, so I left teary eyed after I told him I loved him and that I would see him tomorrow. His mother stayed with him until visitation hours was up. He passed away that same day in the wee hours of the morning when we were all at our own home. I was devastated, and I sobbed to his mom that day, and started to go over all of the things I thought would have preserved his life had it was done differently that day. She told me that she had seen her sister pass away from cancer in that same manner we saw him dying, and she assured me that he would have died then had we not been there to “shake him out of it.”  I was torn, and that image is forever engraved in my long term memory. My heart physically starts to hurt even thinking about it 

[Billie Rae]

I also have a visual of my love passing away. The last visit I ever made to him was actually when he was supposed to die, but had it not been for myself and his mother, he would have. I will never forget how he was in so much excruciating pain, that he had climbed into bed, and curled up in a fetal position. One of his eyes started to roll ferociously to the back of his head, and the other one stood deathly still, starring straight into nothingness. He wasn’t moving, or breathing at all. His mom and I started to panic, and she started calling his name and repeating over and over that she “was here baby.” I was holding his hand, so I started to tap lightly on his body, asking him questions really loudly. “Are you tired, honey? Do you need to rest? Do you want us to stop bothering you?” In what felt like eternity (but realistically was 45 seconds later), he regained consciousness, and started to moan again and move around. I had to leave to pick up my son from school shortly afterwards, so I left teary eyed after I told him I loved him and that I would see him tomorrow. His mother stayed with him until visitation hours was up. He passed away that same day in the wee hours of the morning when we were all at our own home. I was devastated, and I sobbed to his mom that day, and started to go over all of the things I thought would have preserved his life had it was done differently that day. She told me that she had seen her sister pass away from cancer in that same manner we saw him dying, and she assured me that he would have died then had we not been there to “shake him out of it.”  I was torn, and that image is forever engraved in my long term memory. My heart physically starts to hurt even thinking about it 

The only visions I have now are of him being so sick,when he was asleep in his chair his eyes were half open and his mouth would hang open,his breath was so shallow I would think he had died and fear and grief would wash over me.This happened many times.The last day I saw Charlie his nose and right cheek were broken from trying to stand up and come home,when he vomited it was blood and he was only 83 lbs(normally 216).Now that I'm a little further in for his sake death was a blessing because no human could tolerate that kind of suffering,even on morphine and oxy his stomach hurt horribly and he had no food for 2 months,all the meds made his mind blurry he didn't know what day or time it was and was frustrated and he would cry when I had to remind him he couldn't go to work.So I know he had to go and I wouldn't have prolonged his suffering,the only way I want him back is like he was before.My greatest sorrow is that he suffered and was so afraid.I remember his tears and him begging me to help him go.I couldn't do that for my own selfish reasons.My heart aches most for his last 3 weeks when he realised he was REALLY going to die,his sadness and fear.
I hope one day to remember the big,strong carpenter who got awards for his beautiful homes that he built,the guy who would stand in the kitchen and say"I need to hold you for a minute"That guy.
My love to you
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

So I know he had to go and I wouldn't have prolonged his suffering,the only way I want him back is like he was before.My greatest sorrow is that he suffered and was so afraid.I remember his tears and him begging me to help him go.I couldn't do that for my own selfish reasons.My heart aches most for his last 3 weeks when he realised he was REALLY going to die,his sadness and fear.

As happens so often, I could have written those words.  You're right.  As much as I want my husband back, I would only want that for him if he could be as he was before this cancer.

I am almost unbearably lonely because he is not with me.  Yet like you, I am not so selfish that I'd want him to be here still suffering.

[GrievingSoul]

2 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

My greatest sorrow is that he suffered and was so afraid.I remember his tears and him begging me to help him go.

My love also begged me to end his life when the pain became unbearable. It was either that or asking me to double his morphine doses, which I would not do. Seeing him cry was almost as unbearable as seeing him in excruciating pain. Of the 9 years I’ve known him and the 7 we were together, I have never saw this man shed a tear, so seeing the tears pour down his face made me realize how serious his condition was. I wanted him to go then (out of the sheer act of mercy), but on the other hand I couldn’t bear the thought of him leaving me. My most vivid memory of  him was when he sat hunched over our sofa with his elbows drawn to his knees with his eyes closed. I knew in my heart he was always thinking about that moment when he would die; I could feel it. The image haunts me every time I go downstairs now. 

[Billie Rae]

My love also begged me to end his life when the pain became unbearable. It was either that or asking me to double his morphine doses, which I would not do. Seeing him cry was almost as unbearable as seeing him in excruciating pain. Of the 9 years I’ve known him and the 7 we were together, I have never saw this man shed a tear, so seeing the tears pour down his face made me realize how serious his condition was. I wanted him to go then (out of the sheer act of mercy), but on the other hand I couldn’t bear the thought of him leaving me. My most vivid memory of  him was when he sat hunched over our sofa with his elbows drawn to his knees with his eyes closed. I knew in my heart he was always thinking about that moment when he would die; I could feel it. The image haunts me every time I go downstairs now. 

My soul is breaking all over again.for all of us there are tears streaming down now.to know our guys were in such misery and still we loved and begged and made deals with God or the universe to please,please let them stay
Somewhere inside of me I thought if he just could stay I could magically fix his cancer and we would go back to our lives.if it had a little longer it would all be okay.
I really couldn't live through this again,not seeing what were saw.I was brave for him on the outside,I held him,felt his bones so brittle,I told him about my day and told him silly stories,lay in bed with my head in his lap answering his questions about my future(he so desperately wanted to know I had a plan and would be okay)so I lied to ease his mind all the while pretending it was normal,after he went to sleep I would sit on the sofa and sob.I was living two lives one while he was awake and one in my misery.
I love you guys
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Billie Rae]

As happens so often, I could have written those words.  You're right.  As much as I want my husband back, I would only want that for him if he could be as he was before this cancer.
I am almost unbearably lonely because he is not with me.  Yet like you, I am not so selfish that I'd want him to be here still suffering.

We are all on a different yet so similar journey.I hate to say it because of why we are here,but it makes me feel so connected and normal not so crazy.
Love you.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[foreverhis]

14 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

I remember his tears and him begging me to help him go.

My husband didn't ever ask me to help him go, but there was a moment when I knew that he knew it was going to be time soon.  I came in one morning after one of the few nights I spent at home.  It was a few days after our girls had gone home from their visit.  His nurse kind of took me aside and said that his night nurse had told her my love said he was ready to die.  I looked at him and asked, "Did you say that?" and I'm positive now he lied to me or didn't remember because it was the middle of the night.  He said, "Why would I say that?" 

But then 2 nights later during a particularly bad pain spell when I was helping his nurse, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I'm old.  You know, I'm old."  (He was only 71 and never acted old until his cancer made his body weak and the infections affected his brain.)  There was no denying it then.  I knew I could not let him suffer one minute longer in the vain hope he'd be able to have the next treatment. 

The next morning I asked him if he wanted to go home.  He said yes, so I said, "Okay, love. let's go home.  I'll arrange it now."  I got him on comfort care at the hospital right away, and we arranged for home hospice to start on the next Monday.  That Sunday night, I had planned to go home for a few hours to get the house ready.  He said no.  I asked if he wanted me to stay and he quietly said yes.  Of course I did.  In the middle of the night, his kidneys and body started to completely fail.  That's when they moved us to the private room so we could be quiet together until the end.

Those are some of the moments and images that haunt me.  I haven't told anyone, except here.  I haven't even talked to our daughter in detail because she does not need those images in her head.  It's the price of having my soulmate for 35 years.  I just wish I could have that "do over" so I could do things better.  Instead I'll just have to hope he has forgiven me for my faults and failings, and that he'll be waiting for me with open heart and open arms when my time comes.

[GrievingSoul]

5 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

My soul is breaking all over again.for all of us there are tears streaming down now.to know our guys were in such misery and still we loved and begged and made deals with God or the universe to please,please let them stay
Somewhere inside of me I thought if he just could stay I could magically fix his cancer and we would go back to our lives.if it had a little longer it would all be okay.
I really couldn't live through this again,not seeing what were saw.I was brave for him on the outside,I held him,felt his bones so brittle,I told him about my day and told him silly stories,lay in bed with my head in his lap answering his questions about my future(he so desperately wanted to know I had a plan and would be okay)so I lied to ease his mind all the while pretending it was normal,after he went to sleep I would sit on the sofa and sob.I was living two lives one while he was awake and one in my misery.
I love you guys
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app
 

You just summed up everything I did and felt during his short battle with cancer. I talked about our future (even though I knew his death was imminent), I reassured him that we could beat his illness together, and I prayed ferociously to God begging Him to show my love favor, and deliver him from the snares of death. I would stay up countless hours looking up YouTube videos about healing cancer naturally. I’ve given him everything, from carrot juice to baking soda water, but he could not keep any of it down because his cancer was so progressed at that point. I was even so desperate as to want to administer the carrot juice intravenously, but I didn’t for fear of doing more harm than help. I would cry when he went to sleep, or step out of his hospital room and sob uncontrollably. Seeing him become progressively worse in such a relatively short amount of time just broke me. I can’t stop re-living those horrific few weeks leading up to his death, and I haven’t been able to sleep well every since his passing and home going service. 

[ModKatB]

Watching a loved one fight the ugliness of cancer is one of the hardest things you will ever do. My husband was told on Jan 10, 2018 that he had cancer of the colon, liver and lungs. He lived for 1 month after being told and in that short amount of time I saw him suffer so much pain. The hospital he was in had a special room set aside for hospice care and they put my husband in there so that his daughter and I could stay with him round the clock. He went in on Monday and he passed away at 4 am that Friday morning with me holding one hand and his daughter holding his other hand. After everything was over my oldest daughter let me know that she was not happy that I did not allow my grandchildren to come to the hospital while he was in hospice to see him. I had told her that I did not want them to see him as he was in the end. They had visited with him during one of his better days when he was at home and I thought that was the best way for them to remember him. He was able to talk to them and even crack a joke or two. I just could not give in to her demands and am glad I held my ground because they are young and have a long time to remember their "Pops" and I wanted it to be a good memory.

It has been just over a year for me and things have gotten better as the time has passed. I still have days that are hard and times where it feels like I am starting this journey all over again, but I am also able to remember some of the better times and smile when I think of him. There is no right or wrong way to get thru this and no specific timetable either. Just do the best you can even if it is only moment by moment and all you can take are baby steps. 

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

[Sunflower2]

2 hours ago, ModKatB said:

It has been just over a year for me and things have gotten better as the time has passed. I still have days that are hard and times where it feels like I am starting this journey all over again, but I am also able to remember some of the better times and smile when I think of him. There is no right or wrong way to get thru this and no specific timetable either. Just do the best you can even if it is only moment by moment and all you can take are baby steps. 

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

I appreciate the simplicity of your thoughts. simple but powerful!   

 

[Sunflower2]

2 hours ago, ModKatB said:

I still have days that are hard and times where it feels like I am starting this journey all over again.

Yes.  so accurate in stating "feels like I am starting this journey all over again."  Yet personally, I do find these days to be not as raw as the initial moment and months following my loss.  still challenging but not as crippling. 

[Billie Rae]

Watching a loved one fight the ugliness of cancer is one of the hardest things you will ever do. My husband was told on Jan 10, 2018 that he had cancer of the colon, liver and lungs. He lived for 1 month after being told and in that short amount of time I saw him suffer so much pain. The hospital he was in had a special room set aside for hospice care and they put my husband in there so that his daughter and I could stay with him round the clock. He went in on Monday and he passed away at 4 am that Friday morning with me holding one hand and his daughter holding his other hand. After everything was over my oldest daughter let me know that she was not happy that I did not allow my grandchildren to come to the hospital while he was in hospice to see him. I had told her that I did not want them to see him as he was in the end. They had visited with him during one of his better days when he was at home and I thought that was the best way for them to remember him. He was able to talk to them and even crack a joke or two. I just could not give in to her demands and am glad I held my ground because they are young and have a long time to remember their "Pops" and I wanted it to be a good memory.
It has been just over a year for me and things have gotten better as the time has passed. I still have days that are hard and times where it feels like I am starting this journey all over again, but I am also able to remember some of the better times and smile when I think of him. There is no right or wrong way to get thru this and no specific timetable either. Just do the best you can even if it is only moment by moment and all you can take are baby steps. 
As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

To all of us,KatB is right,we have faced the biggest horror we ever will to watch our love die slowly and in pain and sorrow,and yet our common response was love,kindness and grace.That says a lot of who we are(I've heard of people who ran at the first sign of trouble)We are strong(even if we don't feel it)we are loving,we are empathetic and moral.We are what people strive to be,good honest and genuine.
Love to you all
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

Reading everyone's accounts here, it is so hard, so much pain expressed here.  We have truly been through some hard stuff.  I pray it eases up in the days ahead.  We've witnessed their pain and suffering, we're trying now to survive our own, but I pray for those glimmers of joy Sunshine mentioned yesterday.