Wake ceremony have me feeling dead inside

[GrievingSoul]

Today I attended the wake ceremony of my boyfriend of 7 years. It was single handedly  one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in over a decade. Seeing him lying there motionless in a casket, with lips sealed shut and eyes closed tightly together just broke me. Up until this moment I guess I was getting by with the thought of him living somewhere else, and therefore not coming home to me every night. That illusion was easily shattered by his lifeless image that will forever be engraved into my mind. It just made this nightmare all too real. Coming there made me realize that he’d been here all along, and this is why he wasn’t here with me, or anyone else for that matter. He was gone. Nowhere to be seen in this world again. As I left the morturary, I felt that I left my will to go on there as well. I just feel so empty and lost. I want to be over this grieving already. I just can’t fathom how this is fair. Everything triggers anger inside of me. I’m angry that everyone else gets to return back to their lives, with their significant others by their side to confide in at times like these. I’m angry that I’m the one people have to comfort because it’s me who’ve lost my best friend. I’m angry that God would want to take him out of all of the seemingly more qualified individuals to have their lives shortened by the heinous deeds they’ve committed on this Earth. I’m angry that my boyfriend was able to exit this world surrounded by the love from me and other loved ones while I’m stuck here suffering and trying to contemplate on how to go on. I just feel so terrible and my emotions are everywhere. I can’t imagine being in his position, and I can’t bare living in mine. It’s just so heart-wrenching right now. 

[JES]

   @GrievingSoul  My heart is breaking for you, that must have been so hard.  I wish no one ever had to go through this kind of loss.  Its one of the hardest things we will ever do.  I feel your pain and I do understand what you are going through...  I am glad you came back on the forum to talk, or just to vent.  Thinking of you, and sending hugs. 

[Pim]

@GrievingSoul Oh my dear, I am so sorry for you. I understand every single word you wrote. And to have this realisation that he will never come back, not...ever... it's so sad. Ours is such a terrible journey. I too am thinking of you. Love, Pim

[Billie Rae]

@Grievingsoul I'm so sorry.Seeing the body is a huge shock,after I saw my Charlie's body in the hospital at 83 lbs,I came home and found a picture of him in the sunshine and stared at his face,I realised what was in the hospital was a vessel,his spirit is still here at home with me he is inside me,in our house in his truck and most of all in his daughter.I see so much of him in her.
Love to you
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

15 hours ago, GrievingSoul said:

Today I attended the wake ceremony of my boyfriend of 7 years. It was single handedly  one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in over a decade. Seeing him lying there motionless in a casket, with lips sealed shut and eyes closed tightly together just broke me. Up until this moment I guess I was getting by with the thought of him living somewhere else, and therefore not coming home to me every night. That illusion was easily shattered by his lifeless image that will forever be engraved into my mind. It just made this nightmare all too real. Coming there made me realize that he’d been here all along, and this is why he wasn’t here with me, or anyone else for that matter. He was gone. Nowhere to be seen in this world again. As I left the morturary, I felt that I left my will to go on there as well. I just feel so empty and lost. I want to be over this grieving already. I just can’t fathom how this is fair. Everything triggers anger inside of me. I’m angry that everyone else gets to return back to their lives, with their significant others by their side to confide in at times like these. I’m angry that I’m the one people have to comfort because it’s me who’ve lost my best friend. I’m angry that God would want to take him out of all of the seemingly more qualified individuals to have their lives shortened by the heinous deeds they’ve committed on this Earth. I’m angry that my boyfriend was able to exit this world surrounded by the love from me and other loved ones while I’m stuck here suffering and trying to contemplate on how to go on. I just feel so terrible and my emotions are everywhere. I can’t imagine being in his position, and I can’t bare living in mine. It’s just so heart-wrenching right now. 

It's not fair.  Nothing about this is fair.  I'm sorry for how it hit you to see him there...when I saw my husband's lifeless body in the hospital it hit me the same way.  It was clear to see he was not there, that was just his body that had serviced him for all his life and now no longer housed him.  But his spirit still exists, somewhere, someday, I will be with him again and I hold on for that.  Of course you're angry!  You have good reason to be.  We've felt that too.  I don't look at it like God wills this, I guess I look at it with a different perspective, that this is an imperfect world and we have imperfect bodies, and we're all starting with a different set of genes, like cards dealt, and what we do with our bodies from there can have an effect on them for good or bad, but beyond that, it's kind of luck of the draw.  So many things are beyond our control, and you're so right, nothing fair about it at all.  All of my siblings still have their spouse, even the ones that smoke, drink, don't exercise, but I lost mine right after his 51st birthday, hard to understand, I quit asking why a long time ago, never got any answers anyway, either I wouldn't understand the answer or there really is none.  I just try to do the best I can and take one day at a time.  And this place helps, it really does.  You'll find you're in good company here, we get your feelings.

Yes it's heart-wrenching now, I'm sorry, I know the pain.