Members Brina13 Posted March 29, 2019 Members Report Posted March 29, 2019 I'm new here. To sum it up I lost my husband 09/04/16. We had only been married 18 months when he passed away but he had been my best friend for 20 years. Two weeks ago would've been our three year wedding anniversary. And March 31st would have been his 40th birthday. Its the third birthday I haven't spent with him in 13 years. The day I lost him I died too. I'm barely existing. I rarely leave my home anymore. These last two and a half years have destroyed me and haven't let up. A week before he passed my aunt passed away, three days later my dear friend passed away, then three days later I lost him. I was beyond devastated, then I lost my home, my car, my job. My world collapsed. I fell into a deep deep depression and didn't get out of bed for months. Finally i got income taxes got a car and went back to work because i needed the distraction, i needed to take care of my kids. Things were ok or so I thought. I started working and started getting really tired and having a lot of pain. One night after work I sat in my car crying because my body hurt so bad. Over the next few days I was driving across town and went blind while driving. I made a doctor appointment and was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer. WTF!!! Then find out within five years I will be completely deaf from nerve damage. This past December my cousin's son that I raised for six years took his life just shy of his 25th birthday. He was such a special person that had so much life ahead of him. Two weeks later another dear friend passed away. At that point my heart hurt so bad it physically ached. Not even three weeks later the man I had been dating passed away suddenly. You never think about these things happening, you never realize how much something can actually hurt. And the really messed up part is that all of the people who should be there for you really aren't, or at least not in my situation. My mom and step dad are about the only ones who haven't walked away. But my dad, step mom, siblings, friends, they all either distanced themselves or completely walked away. My dad told me I needed to get over losing my husband. I tried to explain to him you can't just get over that. I held him while he died that is something that I will never forget, something that haunts me every single day of my life and my dreams. I'm devastated because he's gone, I'm angry because I'm sick and I have to go through it alone without him by my side because he promised we could make it through anything as long as we did it together, I'm angry because if he would've taken his medicine and better care of himself he would still be here, I'm angry because he was a good step dad to my kids and finally being part of his kids lives, I'm angry because he took all of that away from us. I know it sounds selfish on my part to be angry about those things. But for the first time in my life, in 31 years I had a family, I had peace without fighting everyday, being insulted everyday, having to worry about my kids being abused. He gave me solace. And that ended when I lost him. I try to force myself to leave the house and go into massive panic attacks or I'll be out somewhere and go into them. I've been to the er numerous times for panic attacks just to be told to go home there's nothing wrong. My support system is almost non existent anymore, no one wants to deal with me because I'm too sad. I've been trying to date but that just seems to be impossible. I can't connect emotionally with anyone. I'm terrified to get close to anyone. I'm becoming more reclusive, the panic attacks happen several times a day, and I cry uncontrollably all the time. I miss him so much it physically hurts my and soul. Then I feel the guilt because I do have kids and I feel like they are getting shorted because I'm going through all of this. Its all destroying me and I really feel like I'm barely existing anymore.
Members LostGirl39 Posted March 29, 2019 Members Report Posted March 29, 2019 I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry for all that you’ve had to endure over the past few years. Sadly, I can relate to what you’re going through. I lost the love of my life on January 17, 2019. We had been together for 17 years. His death was sudden & unexpected from a massive stroke. His death turned my whole world upside down. Not only did I lose my love suddenly but I had to move out of our house. I couldn’t afford to live there anymore by myself. He had the high paying job. So, in a matter of a week I had lost him, our home & my job. I had to move in with my brother. The past 2 months have been unbearable. The grief is never ending & I’m just lost. I’ve got to start my life all over without him & so far I’m not doing a good job. I too am very angry at my boyfriend for leaving me. I find myself alternating between anger & extreme sadness most days. I’m mad at him & I’m mad at God for taking him. He promised me forever. We were supposed to get married next year. I can also relate to losing so many loved ones back to back. Finding this group has brought me some comfort. Knowing that everyone here has experienced what you’re going through helps a lot. I come here to vent or most times I just read everyone’s posts. I’ve found so many stories that are similar to mine, including yours. Once again, I’m so sorry for all that life has thrown at you. It’s not fair. I wish that I could make all of our grief go away but all that I can offer is a friendly ear if you ever want to chat. Just know that you aren’t alone. Everybody here knows what you’re going through & are here if you need us. Sending you lots of love & strength.
Moderators KayC Posted March 29, 2019 Moderators Report Posted March 29, 2019 Wow, you have really been hammered! I can relate to much of what you've been through but you're going through so much more medically and these losses are one after another, piled up! I hope you're seeing a grief counselor. I lead a grief support group and find it to be helpful too but they do vary alot from one group to another. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html I lost all my friends when my husband died, overnight, and then lost my job. It was the beginning of the recession, it took me 5 1/2 months to get another job, then they cut me to one day a week for a year, then to four days a week for a year then I lost it completely and decided to retire...I'd tried my best to get a job and no one would hire me. It was the first time in my life I'd experienced age discrimination. Since I lost my husband, I've lost many pets, my mom, my sister, and have experienced some other very hard things. I figure if I can live through what I went through losing my husband I can probably get through about anything, but it sure can be hard at times. My heart goes out to you in all you're going through. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html (can apply to family too) I wrote this article about ten years out from losing my husband. Like you, we didn't get to be married very long (3 years 8 months) and he died suddenly just after his 51st birthday. It has changed my life. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
Members Brina13 Posted March 29, 2019 Author Members Report Posted March 29, 2019 Thank you ladies for your kind words and I'm so very sorry for your losses also. I have been trying to get counseling for over two years now. Due to my insurance I have to have a referral so I have been on a waiting listing list. I went to my PCP the week after I lost him and seen a counselor. She did not help at all. She only focused on building boundaries and giving me homework to build boundaries with the people in my life. She would not even talk with me about what was going on so I went back to my PCP and had her switch me to a new counselor. The new counselor spent five minutes with me told me I was bipolar sent his nurse in with prescriptions for bipolar medications and sedatives and didn't even set up therapy sessions, told me to grieve naturally. I ended up going back to my PCP for a third time but she was on vacation and seen her NP and was told I didn't need counseling to grieve Naturally, take Niacin, and use essential oils. That and the fact their office didn't bother to tell me for months I had blood cancer I decided to switch doctors. I ended up at the er in the middle of the night in a horrible panic attack and they refused to treat me, told me to go home and grieve naturally. My new doctor put me on a waiting list a year and a half ago so I've been just waiting. The anxiety is gut wrenching. I still wake up at the time he came home every morning and get physically sick because I know he isn't going to be walking through the door, the nightmares are horrible when I can sleep. My doctor told me to find distractions, do things we didn't do together but the only problem with that is aside from working we were always together, we did everything together. I'd never had so much fun with another person in my life. I'd never found so much peace and comfort in one person. He was the only man I had ever loved and trusted. How am I suppose to be ok I ask myself every single day. My friends and family think that I don't want to be ok. They don't realize I would give anything in this world to not feel this way anymore. I want to be ok, I want to move on, I want to be able to smile and laugh again without it being forced. I ended up at the ER back in February because my son forced me to. He was afraid I was having a heart attack. The doctor told me he couldn't find anything wrong so immediately I was ready for the whole go home come back if you aren't feeling better. He actually sat down and talked with me. He asked me a bunch of questions so I told him about the losses, the cancer, the panic attacks, etc. He looked at me and said you may think I'm crazy but have you ever heard of Broken Heart Syndrome. He said I think this is what's wrong with you but unfortunately I'm an er doctor and all I can do is give you a temporary solution. It was a relief for once because he didn't treat me like I was crazy and actually listened. Idk I just want to be able to live again instead of feeling like I'm standing still and the world is rushing around me.
Members foreverhis Posted March 29, 2019 Members Report Posted March 29, 2019 7 hours ago, Brina13 said: He looked at me and said you may think I'm crazy but have you ever heard of Broken Heart Syndrome. He said I think this is what's wrong with you but unfortunately I'm an er doctor and all I can do is give you a temporary solution. It was a relief for once because he didn't treat me like I was crazy and actually listened. It can be such a help just to have a doctor treat you like a whole person, not just a bunch of symptoms, and have him or her not shrug off what's happening as being a "mental" problem. Of course, in a way it is a mental problem in that we are in deep grief which doesn't just up an vanish some day after what others consider a reasonable amount of time. There are no time lines for grief, IMO. I have heard of Broken Heart Syndrome. I looked it up while I was thrashing about the internet trying to find ways to cope. Having a name for at least part of what's happening to you may help just because a doctor has helped validate that you are not crazy. I hope that made sense; I don't always these days. I am appalled that your old doctor didn't tell you that you have blood cancer. That seems beyond unprofessional and goes right into malpractice. And it's so typical of how we treat medical care in this country that you have to be on a waiting list for a year and a half for something you needed a year and a half ago. How can we, a rich country, justify this? We can't. And yet so many good people like you (and me and many others here) suffer needlessly. Plus all the millions of people who can't get or can't afford medical care at all. It's sickening (no pun intended). All I can offer you is my deepest sympathy and my firm belief that being here could be helpful to you over time. Please stay and come back often, even if it's just to vent. I do that, most of us do from time to time. I'd love to send you big comforting hugs. I'm afraid virtual hugs will have to do.
Members JES Posted March 29, 2019 Members Report Posted March 29, 2019 @Brina13 My heart goes out to you. Im very sorry for your loss and health issues, your so young for all this. I fully believe grief has no timetable, and when your sick, it makes it that much worse. I don't have alot of faith in our doctors anymore either...they are so swamped..its in and out with patients, on to the next. Not enough time to do a quality assessment. No one should have to wait months to be seen. Argg....is this the new wave of healthcare...?? Im praying for better health, mind and body, for you dear.
Members foreverhis Posted March 30, 2019 Members Report Posted March 30, 2019 6 hours ago, JES said: Argg....is this the new wave of healthcare...?? What's revolting is that this isn't all that new, especially in rural or low population areas. We're in an agricultural region with small cities, a university, a gazzillion wineries, and a few small-medium companies. We've had a shortage of doctors for more than 2 decades. It's an expensive area to live, which makes it worse. But the worst thing that happened to our county was about 10 years ago when the federal government was offering 2 things: Incentives for doctors to move to and work in counties with a low number of doctors per capita and financial assistance for counties with low populations and high cost of living to build medical facilities. Our county was informed that we had a few too many doctors to qualify for the first and a few too many people with just a little too much median income to qualify for the second. Gee, thanks for nothing. It can take weeks or months to see one of the limited number of local specialists and even many of the family practice doctors. I wanted to change my quarterly appointment with my internist. They could only find one opening in 3 months--and I've been a patient of his for a very long time. I can always get in to see one of the physician's assistants and nurse practitioners, who are good. But trying to get into a specialist unless you're actually going to die in the next few days is next to impossible. There are no perfect answers, but what we're doing now is not working. I think the ACA could be good with significant improvements. I'd like to see our government (and this is not a partisan issue at all) rein in costs as they've promised to do for so long. It's lip service from politicians all along the spectrum. They're "outraged" when a pharmaceutical company raises prices by 1000% or gets one patent extension after another, but nothing changes. Actually, the revised trade agreement currently under review gives big pharma longer patent times and fewer price controls. Sure that's going to help everyday people get any sort of healthcare. Okay, rant finished. Thanks for letting me vent. 11 hours ago, Brina13 said: I'd never had so much fun with another person in my life. I'd never found so much peace and comfort in one person. He was the only man I had ever loved and trusted. How am I suppose to be ok I ask myself every single day. My friends and family think that I don't want to be ok. They don't realize I would give anything in this world to not feel this way anymore. That's right. They have no clue unless they've been where you are, where we all are. They don't know what it is to lose a soulmate, the love of your life. They may not even understand that there really is such a thing as "the love of your life." Most people don't seem to understand that the only thing that would truly make us not feel this way and would make us better is having our loves back with us, alive and well.
Members Pim Posted March 30, 2019 Members Report Posted March 30, 2019 10 hours ago, foreverhis said: That's right. They have no clue unless they've been where you are, where we all are. They don't know what it is to lose a soulmate, the love of your life. They may not even understand that there really is such a thing as "the love of your life." Most people don't seem to understand that the only thing that would truly make us not feel this way and would make us better is having our loves back with us, alive and well. You hit the nail on the head!
Moderators KayC Posted March 30, 2019 Moderators Report Posted March 30, 2019 OMG, I can't believe what you've been through! Those doctors and so called counselors sound outrageous. The first one I went to called himself one but was anything but. Guess he should have stuck to drug/alcohol addiction, something he knew about. I've had the good fortune of mentoring under Marty Townsend, a professional grief counselor and website owner/administrator for the last 14 years and have learned so much under her tutelage, I really thank God for her. She has a degree in Thanatology, and I wouldn't want someone who just hung up a shingle and didn't possess the credentials. There are some who charge on a sliding scale, you might contact hospice for referral/contacts. Meanwhile, it might be of help to try a grief support group, most are free. I lead one and there is no charge. Again, those vary according to the leader, group, and materials used. If not comfortable, try another. You were wise to discontinue the bad counselors. http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.htmlhttps://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/11/grief-support-groups-what-are-benefits.html One thing that's key is that grief has a beginning but not an ending...it does, however, change form, as we begin to adjust and learn coping skills, but everyone's timetable is different, and so is their grief journey. We have similarities but also unique ways of handling our grief. Your family means well but is way off. Of course you'd like to be okay, wouldn't we all! But you are hit with a Mac Truck and expected to get up and walk on! The "moving on" cliche is way off base. We don't "move on" as in "away from them", but I prefer the word "continue" because we do have to continue with our life but I doubt there's any of us who would agree to "move on" FROM them! They are to be cherished the rest of our lives in our hearts and memories! We instead learn to incorporate them in a new way in our lives, now that we can no longer hold them, talk over our day with them (well I do sometimes but don't get an audible answer), etc. we learn a new one to have them in our lives, and that looks different for each of us. I can tell you this, it's been 14 years and I think of my husband each and every day of my life, he's never far from my thoughts and always in my heart! And I would hate to hear what a doctor would say to that! But I know I'm not alone, all of us here feel the same, we are the ones that had the close loving relationships, and we are the ones mourning. Maybe if I'd been married to someone I wasn't close to it would have been different, I'm sure it would have then. I want to share this article with you, my footnotes are at the bottom: Credits to: What's Your Grief What it Means to ‘Change Your Relationship With Grief’ There are things that you get over in life. For example a cold, your first breakup, or an argument with a good friend. More often than not, these things happen, they cause temporary misery, maybe you learn from it, and then you let bygones be bygones. Many experiences follow a similar pattern and with good reason. There are things we can and should leave in the past for the benefit of everyone, just imagine how much pain and negativity we’d all carry around if we could never forget and move on. That said, it is a mistake to think that all painful experiences can and should be gotten over. There are times when such a shift simply isn’t possible – people can’t always change the way they think, feel, and behave simply because they want to. It’s common to think that, in these instances, one can go to therapy or take medication and be cured of these problems, but many people who’ve experienced things like serious hardship, trauma, addiction, and psychological disorder will tell you that healing isn’t about putting these experiences in the past, rather it’s about changing their relationship to the related thoughts, memories, behaviors, and emotions that exist in the present. There are also times when ‘getting over’ something or ‘forgetting’ isn’t even desirable, such as getting over or forgetting about a deceased loved one and their ongoing absence. Still, many people mistakenly think that grief is something that can and should end at some point. Those who understand grief in hindsight may think this is a foolish mistake, but I would argue it’s common and understandable considering how little people know about grief before experiencing it. Especially those who live in societies where people are quick to believe that grief runs a linear and finite course and, as a consequence, encourage grieving people to push forward and let the woes of the past disappear like water under the bridge. The reality of grief is that it often stays with you until the day you, yourself, die. For those who think of grief as being all negative emotion, I can see where this may seem unmanageable, but rest assured the impact of grief changes over time. As you change your relationship with grief – by changing how you respond to, cope with, and conceptualize grief – you will likely also find hope and healing. If you think about it, grief is one instance where there is a strong benefit to accepting its ongoing presence in your life because doing so creates more room for comfort, positive memories, and an ongoing connection with the person who died. I understand this progression because I’ve experienced it, but I’m sure it can be difficult to believe if you haven’t. Initially, I thought about writing a post titled something like ‘5 Ways Your Relationship With Grief Changes Overtime’, but then I changed my mind. Grief is unique, relationships are unique and so your relationship with grief and with the person who died will evolve in a complex and nuanced way. So, instead of generalizing and categorizing, I’m going to share how my relationship with grief changed over time. At the end, please share your own insights about how your relationship with grief has or has not changed in the comment’s section. At first I tried to outrun, wait out, hide from, and ignore grief. Eventually, I realized my grief wasn’t going anywhere so I could either fun from it forever or give in and experience it. Once the cloud of grief consumed me, it was hard to see or feel anything else. This sucked but only slightly more than the running. In the early days of grief, it felt like all the light had been drained from the world and everything was dark. But as the fog of acute grief thinned, a little bit of light crept in and things started to look a little less scary and a little more manageable. I grew less intimidated by my grief and increasingly confident in my ability to handle its ups and downs, twists, and turns. Once I was able to look grief head on, I realized it’s made up of both good things and bad. Grief grows from the same seeds as love so after someone dies, one seldom exists without the other. Over time my relationship with grief has changed. I see it now as something as nuanced, complex, and beautiful as my relationships with those who have died. Though its ongoing presence is sometimes challenging, I embrace it because it’s a source of love and connection with those who have died. My Footnotes: At first I was in shock, terrified, anxious. Friends disappeared, adding to the hurt and confusion. I felt alone, abandoned and didn’t know a roadmap through this. I tried rebuilding my life but was thick in grief fog, no clarity of thought and everything I tried was disastrous. It took much time to process my grief, but I did, through allowing myself to feel the emotions, pain and all, and not trying to cover them up or rush through this. I found that grief is not 100% negative, but there’s benefits to having gone through this. I began to look at life and death differently. Rather than hating my loss and grief, I began to see the benefits of having experienced this. I became more empathetic, more able to help someone else going through it (comforting with the same comfort God has comforted us), I began to appreciate each day and value life as a gift and live in the present moment. I found purpose again. I’ve discovered that grief isn’t for a set period of time, but is with me for life, although it evolves throughout my journey and changes form. I’m no longer afraid of it, it has become my constant companion as I’ve learned to coexist with grief. Little by little I’ve built a life I can live. Finding balance, interaction with others, and solitude, time with my furry family. Activities, not to crowd out the pain, but to experience life even with its changes. One of the benefits as I’ve had to tackle life and its decisions on my own is the confidence its built. I’ve given myself permission to smile and realized that it is not my grief that binds me to him, but our love, and that continues still.
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