unsure

[jessekugelman]

this week has been so damn hard i dont know how im even staying at it. its like my body is at work but im not all i can think about is my wife and the memories we had and wont be able to have i put in a bid for building 3 commercial pools trying to get back into the swing of things but everytime i try and concentrate there she is in my head i dont know how to do it without her i have 2 businesses one that needs my full attention and is what ive strived to do and worked so hard for (general contractor) and the other (swimming pool cleaning and maintenace)  i have a good friend that does an excellent job does my job for me but i can tell needs help or less work and now i have a 15 year old sophmore daughter and a 12 year old daughter (in may) to totally care for theres not enough time in the day or enough of me even. let alone for the distraction. sorry if im jumping around my fingers are just typing what in my head right now its 3 am and i cant sleep because of it all im so lost in life life right now i dont know what to do i miss her so damn much it aint fair. i know my daughters are hurting just as bad and are trying to be strong but i can see the pain in their eyes its like we are just going through the motions day by day trying not to even bring her up everytime i even say anything about her the headphones go in their ears and they tune me out. thanks for letting me rant it helps me somehow this group is the only ones i can really express myself at this time most of my friend and family arent even calling me or talking to me cause their afraid of mentioning her or they dont know what to say im guessing which if i were in their shoes i wouldn't either until now

[SSC]

I can relate to so much of what you’re going through as well.  I married my high school sweetheart  and we had been together for 35 years.  It’s like we raised each other and became one in thought as an adult.  I also have two daughters (although they are much older than your girls). We are a close little family and have always been there for each other.  

Going back to work is so difficult.  Scattered brain and not being able to focus.  For me I find I don’t care about work. It has no  meaning or purpose aside from making money and I don’t care about that.  I don’t care about my future so why worry about money?  Your situation is different.  Your girls depend on you in so many ways.  I’m sure at times it’s so overwhelming!  I don’t know your family dynamic but I hope you take the time to talk and ask questions sprinkled with hugs and kisses.  It’s amazing what a hug can do for your well being.

i personally thnk it’s important to talk about your wife in front of your girls.  You all are the ones who know her best and you need to do that to keep her memory alive.  That is one thing I struggle with, when no one wants to say my husbands name.  Like he didn’t exist.  Maybe talking about the good times with your girls is what they need. To be reminded of that, and not the difficult ending.  

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife.  This is a wonderful forum full of fellow grievers who are here to listen and help in anyway they can.  Just know we care. 

[Billie Rae]

People think that they will hurt us if they mention our love.what they don't understand is we want to talk about them.someone on here shared the poem"Death is nothing at all"I found great comfort in it.I still find myself rushing home to see him and my heart breaks every time I open the door and the house is quiet.I'm so sad for you and your girls,hold each other tight.
Love to all

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

Nope you're not going crazy, this is a real thing:

https://www.refugeingrief.com/2018/04/10/grief-crazy/
https://mikeunkelhaeuser.weebly.com/blog/widows-brain
http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/9845-grief-brain/ (see Enna's post)

I've heard this referred to as Grief Fog, and it seems to hit most all of us.  It's hard to focus, going back to work I knew they were not getting the same perfect employee I'd once been.  I asked my boss to doublecheck my work.  I'd never done that!  I didn't watch t.v. for years.  I couldn't read a book for pleasure for ten years!  My focus was not the same as it had once been.  Is it any wonder?  I liken it to brain trauma.  If someone had received brain injury, no one would expect them to go back to work the next week!  It would take therapy and plenty of it to get to a place of functionality.  Yet with those of us grieving, if we get a couple of weeks off we're lucky, then we're expected to jump right back in and do the job we'd always done!  Not happening!  We do our best with it, maybe have to make some adjustments, have people doublecheck us, but it's a struggle to get through the day.  

As someone near to me said, "This too shall pass."  Maybe not soon enough for my liking, but somehow we muddle our way through this.  Hang in there.  We do the best we can, what more can we do?!

[foreverhis]

22 hours ago, jessekugelman said:

sorry if im jumping around my fingers are just typing what in my head right now its 3 am and i cant sleep because of it all im so lost in life

I find stream of consciousness writing very cathartic.  It's really the best thing you could do at 3 am, especially coming here to do it.  I was on at 2 am the other night because I couldn't sleep and was losing it.

You're right to worry about your girls.  Is it at all possible for the three of you to go to a grief counselor who specializes in helping teens/kids?  You cannot and must not expect yourself to know exactly what to do to help them.  I have no doubt it is all you can do to get out of bed, get dressed, and keep food on the table just now.  But I think (and keep in mind I am not a counselor and this is JMHO) that tuning it out, tuning you out, when their mom comes up will not be good over time for any of you.

Our 10 year old granddaughter bottled up her adored grandpa's death.  She wouldn't even talk to me on the phone for 2 months because she didn't want to deal with it or be reminded, but more to the point, she didn't know how.  Then one day, her mom called and bluntly said, "The volcano has erupted."  Our young one couldn't keep it in any longer and absolutely lost it for 2 days.  Her mom kept her out of school and took the time off work because she was so concerned.  They've started to work through it now, but with help.  Our daughter works for a non-profit with the sole goal of improving children's lives, so she basically has counselors "on tap" to give her insight and advice.

I wish I had more or better advice and help for you.  Please be assured that we are listening.  Sometimes all we can do is let you know that you are not alone in how you are feeling or what you are doing.  You are never alone when you are here.

My heart goes out to you and your girls.  One thing I hope you can remember is how lucky we were to find the one loving soulmate to share our lives.  As we are learning though, having a deep, binding, forever love means we have deeper, darker pain when we lose it here on this earth.

Please come here and vent any time.  I find it helps a little bit.

 

[JES]

@jessekugelman  I feel so bad for you and your daughters. Hugs are great, especially if they don’t want to talk.  I’m sure they miss their mom so much and are grieving also,  I can’t imagine what they are feeling.  The brain fog sounds very familiar,  we are doing things like robots but our mind is not there. It sounds like your life is so busy, and I understand,  bills need to get paid, food on the table, etc.  and the girls need you, and your in so much pain it has to be so hard.  My heart breaks for you. Am thinking of you and sending hugs.

[Fmf]

On 3/28/2019 at 6:07 AM, jessekugelman said:

this week has been so damn hard i dont know how im even staying at it. its like my body is at work but im not

I can totally relate to this feeling.  I see you are just past the 2 month mark.  My 2 month mark is today for my dad and tomorrow for my husband (Yes they died a day apart).  This week as been a difficult one, I have that same sense of being in a fog.  I go to work and go through the motions, but being a teacher of 10 year olds and really need to put on a "show", which is just exhausting.  I also have an hour commute and the past few days I must be on automatic pilot because I'm getting home but don't remember much of my ride- it is a bit unnerving. Being a parent of teens - I have 2 girls 15 & 17 definitely add a whole other layer to this grief thing.  I grieve for the loss of my dad and husband but also for all the things I know my daughters will miss with these men.  My daughters do attend counseling, and while not for everyone it seems to be going ok for them.  I felt it was important for them to have an outside person to speak with, because I knew there was only so much I could do for them.  I do get the headphones in the ear thing and to be honest I am guilty of it. For me listening to music has been my retreat into myself.  I think it's important for the girls to know its ok for them to talk about their mom.  I think that they take their cues from us and If we are being "brave and strong" then they might feel the need to do the same. I will say I don't go out of my way to speak about my husband, what I mean is I don't make it a "lets talk about dad" but rather talk about him in the general scheme of the day . Whether its referencing something in the house or maybe a saying he would say.  This is certainly no journey I would wish upon anyone, but we are here and with whatever support we have whether friends and family or this site we will make it through day by day.