Lost of a soulmate

[krislibby1432]

Hello,

I am new and lost my one true love on March 16, 2019. His name was James Kench, he was my everything my whole world. I never thought I would be able to love so much of a person, but I truly loved him. He understood me, he always knew how to make me smile and laugh, I do believe he was my one true soulmate. 

On March 16, 2019 is a night I will never forget and it will always haunt me. We were going to get away for a weekend, go to Daytona with a couple we knew from the gym. We rented hotel, because we didn't want to drink and drive but wanted to go out. The night was wonderful, we had so much fun. At the end of the night we saw a pizza place we wanted to eat at. We sat down and James wasn't feeling so good. He got up, i thought he was going to the bathroom, but when i looked out the window he gave his famous smirk to me and he was outside. Everything else was a blur, I remember stepping out of the restaurant, heard people screaming and there he was on the side of the rode. His boot were on the sidewalk and he was lifeless. I remember screaming someone help him, wake him up. The cops had to restrain me, I was in shock. It was a hit and run.

I blame myself so much, i have a lot of what if and I should've went after him. My heart hurts so much and i am in so much pain. I am lost, i loved him so truly and i don't know what to do anymore. I wish it was me and not him. I would do anything to get him back.

I'm confused with god and hateful at the same time, I was firm believer in it and now i am unsure. When you see a person lifeless especially the one you loved. it changes you. 

Please, help me. The pain is unbearable.   

 

[Nely]

Dear Krislibby,

I am truly sorry for your loss. I wish I have the right words for you right now to ease your pain. I lost my soulmate and sweet sweet angelic husband last year April. It will be a year by next month but i still feel raw grief. Time they say heal and lessen the pain but I agree only to the extent that you may be able to eat breathe and function better than the earlier months.

 I have had my fair share of losses but none is same as this one. The good news in the midst of this terrible new normal is that you found your way here. Honestly, I do not know how I would have made it this far without this forum. I found my way here exactly after a month of his transition. I was practically choking, lost hold of myself and became a shadow of myself. I met people here who though on the same journey had the time to help with the right words and make me know that what I was feeling was normal. The guilt feeling practically drowned me but they made me see reasons to some reasonable extent why I should stop beating myself up.

Even if all you can do for now is find threads that touch on a particular emotion you feel, I encourage you to do it and you will find some strength. This forum has been and is still my daily companion since my sweet Sam left me here.

Hope you find some strength and inner peace as little as you can.

Sending you hugs as wide as the sky...

[Heart&Soul]

I am so sorry for your loss.  This is absolutely devastating - my heart goes out to you.  Please know that the wonderful people on this forum are here for you and so am I.  I am 5 months into this nightmare and when I think I am coping something sends me right back down to dark despair.  Your true soulmate is gone and the pain you are enduring is unbearable.  I wish none of us were in this situation but we are.  I hope you have a good support team that can help you and look out for you.  Take care of yourself - I am sending you big hugs.

[Sunflower2]

@krislibby1432 there are simply no words I can say to ease your sadness, shock and pain. Your loss was sudden and your loss was traumatic. You yourself have been traumatized on so many levels. Reach out and surround yourself with individuals that are supportive and provide the comfort that you need.  They are there.  xo

My heart and prayers are with you. 

~Sunflower~

[Billie Rae]

krislibby1432 I'm so sad for you my dear.This is a horrible trauma and so sudden.Know that all of your feelings are valid.I'm 2 months in and can tell you this site has been my salvation.Talk rant,tell stories about your love,anything we are here and we understand.
Hugs and love
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JES]

@krislibby1432 I am so so sorry, my heart goes out to you.  I can't imagine how hard this is for you, the pain and shock you must be feeling.  I hope you have others with you for support,  and am glad you reached out on this forum to others that will understand the feelings you are going through and will try to help you with their wisdom/ experiences.  Thinking of you, and sending hugs.

[KayC]

I am struck...the pain of someone so young going through this, so horrible, lifeshattering...we who have been through it know, but it seems all the worse somehow when someone so young.  My heart goes out to you.  I pray in the upcoming months you find some comfort here with others that get it.  We're here listening, we want to be here for you.  

Could you, when you are ready, tell us more about him?  This person that was your life, the things you loved about him, the things that made him, him!  I'm so sorry, I hope someone sees/remembers something that leads them to who did this...I know it won't bring him back, but it's not right they should go on their way while your life was turned upside down.  Sending you hugs...

[krislibby1432]

Hello all,

Thank you so much for the comments. James was something else, he was the most amazing man I ever met. When he looked at me, I felt his love. Every morning before he left to work, he always made sure to give me a kiss and say how much he loved me. In the afternoon when I got back from work he would always greet me with a big kiss and hold me for a minute and tell me how much he loved me.

He always knew how to make me laugh, cracking jokes left and right. He understood me more then anyone, we could speak for hours about nothing. He loved animals just like me, he always wanted to help them. The most beautiful soul you will ever meet. I never got sick of him, I always wanted to be next to him there was never a time that I did not want to be next to him. 

He was a former marine and he was strong and very handsome. He would give the shirt off of his back for you. He always pushed you to do better, and was super optimistic, even after his service in the marines. He handle a lot of bad stuff in Afghanistan but he still stayed so happy never once got brought down. He looked for the best in people, and touched so many hearts. 

I am lost without him and unsure what to do. I am questioning god and I was firm believer in him, but when you see your love one past in front of you it changes you. I don't know what to now. I hoping this forum can help me with some answers or just a little bit of comfort.  

[Billie Rae]

@Krislibby1432 my dear one,we have no answers just stories of how we are coping.For each person grief is different,as you read this forum some part of one or all of us will be exactly what your feeling.Know that your pain is yours and don't let anyone tell you how to grieve or how long.Most people have not been through this,loosing half of your heart and the reason you did anything.People will say insensitive things remember it's okay to walk away.Right now it is about you so don't worry about hurting other people's feelings.We are here for you,we understand.
Big love to you
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[foreverhis]

On 3/26/2019 at 8:19 AM, krislibby1432 said:

I blame myself so much, i have a lot of what if and I should've went after him. My heart hurts so much and i am in so much pain. I am lost, i loved him so truly and i don't know what to do anymore. I wish it was me and not him. I would do anything to get him back.

I too am so sorry you find yourself here with us.  Your pain is so new, so raw, and so devastating.  What a horrible and shocking ordeal you have been through.  My heart hurts for you.

What you're feeling is not just normal, but typical.  I have felt every one of those emotions so many times.  I still ask myself the "Why did/didn't I/we...?" and "Maybe I should/shouldn't have..." (and on and on) questions all the time.  The thing is that you could not have known what would happen.  I understand how easy it is to question and blame yourself because you are the one still here and he was taken away from you.  But I urge you to do what I am trying to do and remember that you are not at fault.  In your case, the responsibility lies solely with the hit and run driver.  I hope the police are investigating thoroughly and catch him or her. 

I feel lost much of the time.  Figuring out how to live our lives without our soulmates is the hardest thing most of us will ever have to do.  I can't count the number of times I said and meant that I would trade places with my husband in a heartbeat if it meant he didn't have to go through all the treatments and pain.  It's a stunning thing to realize when you think to yourself, "I would die to protect my love," that you mean it.  I bargained for his health over and over; I ranted about the unfairness; I sobbed that it wasn't fair or just.  I still tell him he needs to come home.  In fact, I talk to him every day; most of us talk to our loves. 

It's okay to rant and cry and yell--even at God.  I think it's natural to rethink our beliefs in the face of this loss.  We figure we do the right thing, we're good people, and yet here we are having lost the one person who matters the most.  My husband and I left organized religion a long time ago, but many people find it a comfort over time.  We had faith in each other, in people in general, and in the idea that there is something greater than we are, something we cannot know or understand.  I try to keep the faith that my love will be waiting for me when it's my time.  I admit it's hard sometimes.

On 3/26/2019 at 8:19 AM, krislibby1432 said:

When you see a person lifeless especially the one you loved. it changes you. 

Yes, it does.  We will never be the same.  We cannot expect to be.  All we can hope to do is learn to live with our grief without letting it drag us down into permanent darkness.  Please, I urge you to come here as often as you want to question, cry, or vent.  Right now, you will likely find it all you can do to get out of bed and breathe each day.  I won't say I know how you feel because we are all different, but I have been in the place you are now.  It took me 5 months of floundering around hopeless, confused, despairing, and angry (but not at my husband; he did nothing wrong) before I found the caring members on this forum.

I think you will find being here helpful over time.  I am sending you my biggest hugs.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, krislibby1432 said:

Hello all,

Thank you so much for the comments. James was something else, he was the most amazing man I ever met. When he looked at me, I felt his love. Every morning before he left to work, he always made sure to give me a kiss and say how much he loved me. In the afternoon when I got back from work he would always greet me with a big kiss and hold me for a minute and tell me how much he loved me.

He always knew how to make me laugh, cracking jokes left and right. He understood me more then anyone, we could speak for hours about nothing. He loved animals just like me, he always wanted to help them. The most beautiful soul you will ever meet. I never got sick of him, I always wanted to be next to him there was never a time that I did not want to be next to him. 

He was a former marine and he was strong and very handsome. He would give the shirt off of his back for you. He always pushed you to do better, and was super optimistic, even after his service in the marines. He handle a lot of bad stuff in Afghanistan but he still stayed so happy never once got brought down. He looked for the best in people, and touched so many hearts. 

I am lost without him and unsure what to do. I am questioning god and I was firm believer in him, but when you see your love one past in front of you it changes you. I don't know what to now. I hoping this forum can help me with some answers or just a little bit of comfort.  

Your account could be written by me.  My George was that way...he'd help anyone, everyone.  At his funeral I was struck by the representation at his funeral...there were homeless, and local politicians, people from work, church, every walk of life.  I found a paper in his wallet, it had a list of things to get for other people, a tent for a homeless man, all kinds of things.  I found a new tent in his trunk, I tried to locate the man he'd bought it for, I saw him at his funeral but never found him again.

He also loved animals, our cat, Tigger, left two months after George died, it was as if he waited around for him to come home and when he didn't, he took a long hard look at me as if commiting me to memory, turned tail and left, never to be seen again.

I was an avid pray-er all my life, yet after George died, I had a hard time praying.  It felt as if God was a million miles away.  It reminded me of the book "Dark Night of the Soul" (excellent book).  It's not that I questioned God's existence, I guess I just felt irrelevant to Him.  It took about a year, but I finally realized God had been here, all the time, carrying me.  He hadn't gone anywhere.  Try not to worry about how you're feeling, it'll all come around in time...it is common, really, it is as if our grief overshadows everything else, we can't feel, see, realize anything but our pain.  It will settle eventually, but oh my gosh it takes time!  So much to learn, realize, it's a long process and the hardest one I've been on in my life.  But it's not to be feared, but gotten through.  You will find your way through this, we do, what brings you comfort, what is helpful to you, to each of us it is unique, our journey.  I do not fear death, grief has changed me and had its affects on me.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It's okay to rant and cry and yell--even at God.  I think it's natural to rethink our beliefs in the face of this loss.  We figure we do the right thing, we're good people, and yet here we are having lost the one person who matters the most.  My husband and I left organized religion a long time ago, but many people find it a comfort over time.  We had faith in each other, in people in general, and in the idea that there is something greater than we are, something we cannot know or understand.  I try to keep the faith that my love will be waiting for me when it's my time.  I admit it's hard sometimes.

Amen to all this!  I have often told people "It's okay to rail at God and beat on His chest.  He has a big chest and He can take it." The knowing there is something beyond "this", that our spirit lives on, that George and I will be together again, wherever/whenever, it sustains me.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

I do not fear death, grief has changed me and had its affects on me.

This was one of the first things I realized.  Before my husband was diagnosed, death was something out there that would eventually take each of us.  While he was fighting, death was the big fear, the huge darkness we were trying keep away.  After he died, all I could think was that I no longer feared death because it meant I would be with my love again.  I no longer cared about living another 20 or 30 years because he wouldn't be here with me.  In a way, it's a weight off my shoulders to have one less thing to fear.

 

[Billie Rae]

This was one of the first things I realized.  Before my husband was diagnosed, death was something out there that would eventually take each of us.  While he was fighting, death was the big fear, the huge darkness we were trying keep away.  After he died, all I could think was that I no longer feared death because it meant I would be with my love again.  I no longer cared about living another 20 or 30 years because he wouldn't be here with me.  In a way, it's a weight off my shoulders to have one less thing to fear.
 

When I saw Charlie's face after he looked more peaceful than I'd seen him in a very long time so I also no longer fear death only the suffering that preceded it so now I have a death with dignity in place in my poa
Love
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

I am leaving it in my son's hands, I trust him completely and have made my wishes known to him.  I only want them to save me if it'd mean quality of life.  Of course everyone here knows that the quality of life we used to have is a thing of the past, but you know what I mean.  I don't want to be saved only to live my life out in a vegetative state, dependent on others.