I Miss my Mother so Much, in a instant my whole world changed.

[Shoremom]

This is my first time writing here or anywhere, about loosing my Mother and the sorrow and pain that I live with day and night. Two and a half months ago, My Mother suddenly and unexpectedly, had a severe cardiac arrest at her home. Family was with her, and immediately called me to the house. When I arrived to her home, the emts were still working on my mother. I am traumatized by these visions and they break my heart over and over again. My mother was revived by cpr and a defibrillator, and was critically ill for 2 weeks in the intensive care unit. Those two weeks were some of the most difficult days of my life and I know of my mothers life. We lived at my mothers side as she fought for her life. We had moments of hope, despair, fear and then heartbreak when she suffered another cardiac arrest and did not survive. My mother was my very best friend, we spoke every day, we talked about anything and everything, she was a second mother to my children, she loved us unconditionally and made the world a better place for all of us. I am having such a difficult time, every moment of every day is a struggle for me. I just can’t wrap my head around how I spoke to her several times that day, to she then had a cardiac arrest and we never spoke again. I can’t believe my mother, who I love so very much, who is my everything is no longer here. Everything in my world has been turned upset down, I feel such pain and sorrow. The grieve hits me in such strong waves that I feel like I’m drowning in sadness. I would give anything for one more phone call, one more visit, one more anything. I miss everything about my Mom, my heart is broken, my soul torn, in a instant she was gone. I miss my Mom.

 

 

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[Nicole-my grief journey]

Shoremom,

I am so sorry for your suffering and the loss of your beautiful mother. I feel so much of what you wrote about my mom too. She was my world and my purpose. I was her caregiver and bedside with her. Holding her and giving her kisses when she passed. The unconditional love is something I think about the most. Now I don’t have that and it’s a supremely lonely feeling. One I don’t feel the people around me could understand because they haven’t gone through it. I’m sorry that you have to know that feeling too. When I wake up it’s hard to face the day. I push myself to try and get up and go, but I don’t even know what to do once I’m up. It is a painfully overwhelming deep deep loss. I wish I could offer some comfort or solace, but I know right now there is none. I am thinking of you and sending my empathy. Some things I make myself do are taking walks to try and switch my mood. Sometimes I find a brief moment of peace when I see a pretty sky, birds, flowers or kids playing in the neighborhood. I buy myself a tea and and sit outside on a neighborhood bench acknowledging my grief. I have a book by Melodie Beattie called the Grief Club on my phone I read while taking that hour to sit outside and drink the tea. Most of the time I can only read 5 pages, but I try so that I’m practicing focusing on something with self care. And then once I’m finished, I walk back to my apartment and I’m feeling a little better, or I cry if I need to, or rest, or text someone I care about and let them know I’m thinking of them. I tell myself it’s going to take time to process and adapt to whatever my new life going forward is.  It’s something I keep repeating to try and change my thought pattern. I also tell myself I’m ok and what I’m feeling is ok because grief can make a person spin out and feel like they should be further along in the process than they are. And there is no time limit, no right or wrong while grieving. Losing our mothers is somethimg we will carry and that will affect us for the rest of our lives. The hope is that it becomes more bearable and that the grief transforms into something less jarring. As for whether or not the repetition of positive affirmations works...I can only say that in the last 8 months since my mom’s passing it has for me. It’s not all the time and it’s not easy to do while I’m feeling despair and less than zen/new wave...but I have had a week here and there where things weren’t as severe. I have had times where her love and our memories brought me a warm, peaceful, she’s with me type of feeling. When I had those moments a couple months after she passed, I tried to accomplish whatever needed to get done. I also used those times to press her flowers and secure a memorial engraving at her favorite spot so others could visit that space. Right now though, I’m back to feeling like her passing and the trauma just happened...grief is so all over the place. Wishing you some moments of comfort, peace, and just... whatever you need. Hugs

 

[Shoremom]

Dear StreamingTheLight, Thank you so very much for writing back in response to my post. When I read each and everyone of your words, it was as if you were describing the pain and loss I’m feeling, every moment of every day. I’m so sorry you are also experiencing such loss, I have you in my thoughts for your continued strength and peace. The deep sense of loss and loneliness I feel is so unbearable at times. Everything in my life was intertwined with my Mother, we were truly so closely connected in every aspect of life. During any difficult time I have had in my life, my Mother was the first person I would talk to and she would guide me through. I am now going through the most difficult time of my entire life, and she’s not here to guide me. I don’t feel whole anymore, I am no longer the person I was prior to loosing my Mother. Everyday I live two separate lives simultaneously, the one grieving the loss of my Mother and then the person that everyone else sees. The person pushing herself through the day because I have to for my family, and those who depend on me on a daily basis. Even at work, I can be busy with the day but the grief never leaves. At times I feel it fill me from my head down to my toes, it hits me like a tidal wave and I’m barely treading the water to stay afloat. I miss my Mother so very much, that words can’t even justify how much my heart and soul miss everything about her. I also Miss what we were going to have, so many memories still to be made. My Mother made every Birthday , Holiday and family event so special and memorable for everyone. She would get so excited to make every event special. With Easter coming and family Birthday’s, I am so painfully Reminded the world keeps spinning, holidays and birthdays are still happening, and none of those days will ever be the same. I have read several times the greater the love, the greater the loss. My mothers love was
in-measurable, the love she had for all of us had no end, it just filled everyone and everything she touched with such happiness and joy.
I Miss My Mother, I miss her voice, her unconditional love, her support, her advice, the way she loved my children, and most of all I just Miss her... because just being my Mom was enough to fill me with love that lasts a lifetime.
Thank you again for the words of support and compassion, it means more to me than you know.


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