Not coping after the loss of my dad

[sarahw145]

Hi everyone,

I've tried to write my story a few times here, but have never been able to finish it without crying, giving up, and deleting it.

My dad passed away on Dec 10, 2018 after spending 2 months in the hospital trying to figure out what was wrong with him.  He had a lump on his arm and a sore back.  He went into the hospital for a biopsy on his arm, but because his back was so sore (he could hardly walk), they admitted him.

The arm lump turned out to be a rare cancer, myelin sheath sarcoma.  They did a biopsy on his back because they thought the tumour had spread, but the biopsy came back negative for a malignancy.  This gave us all so much hope.  He had back surgery to fix the fracture they found, and arm surgery to remove the sarcoma.  Both were a success.  However his back never seemed to get better, and as the days went on, he was in more and more pain.  Finally they did a full spinal MRI and discovered that his original fracture was a tumour and that it had spread up his spine.  10 Short days after hearing this news, he was gone.

I was in the process of researching rehab places for his back, and the hospital was planning his discharge papers.  Everything changed in 10 days.  

After his diagnosis, things went downhill fast.  My dads pain was incredible and he was on A LOT of morphine.  They offered him palliative radiation, but he was in too much pain to go through with it.  I was at the hospital every single day from oct 16 - dec 10 and was part of all the highs and lows...and all the hope, right until then end, when everything came crashing down.

I am left devastated and in so much grief.  I have been off work since Oct.  I can't cope well.  I miss my dad so much and am traumatized by watching him in pain.  Unexpectedly losing him has been the worst tragedy of my life.  I loved my dad so much and we were so close.  I see the grief therapist, and a grief/trauma psychiatrist.  I also go to a bereavement support group.  I don't know what else there is left to do...but I feel like I am falling deeper and deeper into depression.  Living on this planet without my dad here is so strange and surreal, I just can't seem to do it.

[Shoremom]

I am so very sorry to read of the sudden and unexpected loss of your Dad. I pray for you to find hope and strength to get through this very sad and difficult time. I truly know that nothing I can say rite now can ease your pain, but please know you are not alone in this. I know how deeply your hurting, and how painful the loss of a parent is. I lost my Mother suddenly and unexpectedly 2 months ago, and Im in the deepest of sorrow and pain. My mother had a cardiac arrest at home, I was immediately called by family and when I arrived the emts were still working on my mother. I will never forget seeing my mother like that. I am traumatized by the visions. They were able to revive her, and she was critically ill for 2 weeks in the intensive care unit. I replay the night of her cardiac arrest over and over in my head, and the days in the intensive care unit when we had moments of hope, then moments of fear and despair, to the night we lost her to another cardiac arrest. My mother was my very best friend, a second mother to my children, my everything. I am completely lost without her and devastated beyond any words. I am filled with grief from the moment I wake in the mornings, until I cry myself to sleep at night. I am also seeing a grief counselor which does help me a little. I think you are doing everything that you can rite now. You are taking care of yourself in the ways you need to. I feel the same way, every day I say over and over, how can the person I loved so much, talked to everyday, shared every part of my life with be gone, so suddenly and so tragically. I just can’t wrap my head around it, and feel the days are getting longer and harder. I try to be strong and I talk with my mother throughout the day. Talk to your Dad. What I do believe is that the love between a parent and a child never dies, and they never leave us. I know my Mom is with me, she would never leave me, especially now when I need her most. Your Dad is with you too, he knows you need him and he will help you through this. Be kind to yourself, be sure to rest when you can.



Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[nuvar]

Im really sad to hear about that. while not so similar, my mum spent 3 mths in a hospital on bad advice for a surgery. she fought back many times but *sigh* it was in vain

You can see my thread on the first page, if you make it past the first lengthy post. Somewhat different from you perhaps, Im ridden with more guilt. You tried your best, it was unexpected and your dad knows and loves you.

Im finding it hard to live and cope as well, since my dad has moderate dementia and it seems to be becoming severe.

Have you tried talking to friends, relatives or a trained professional like a counsellor/psychiatrist? In the short term, medications may help cope. I know this sounds cliche, but it does get better (sometimes, on and off). Try to focus on something else for the time being. You need to have support and also do other things such as studying or working or some hobby you can work with. It helps to while time away and takes your focus away from the sadness for a few hours

[sarahw145]

16 hours ago, Shoremom said:

 

Thank you for your kind words shoremom.  Your words spoke right to my heart.  I am so sorry for your loss as well.  I had a "fantasy" in my mind about what grief would look like when one of my parents died....I thought I'd be devastated, yet strong and would overcome.  Instead I am completely shattered, broken hearted, lost, and feeling hopeless and alone.  Through all of my counselling I am slowly learning to see certain things from a different perspective, and once in a while, if only for a moment, I feel there will be hope again.  Grief is such a confusing, exhausting, and depleting thing to go through.  However, knowing I am not alone, and you are not alone makes a big difference.  

[sarahw145]

Nuvar, I went back and read your original post.  I am so sorry for the tragedy you have suffered.   You did what you thought was right for your mom at the time, guided by medical advice.  Your decision (which was really your mothers decision), was the responsible thing to do.  What if you had ignored the advice for the elective surgery but then your mom went downhill?  You'd be blaming yourself for that.  Sometimes life makes no sense, and unfair thing happen to wonderful people for no reason.  I understand how easy it is to blame yourself, but please just remember that blame and guilt are part of grief, and something you can work through.  I have guilt too, even though I don't know what I could have done differently.  When you look back at a situation, it's always easy to find mistakes, but when you are in the moment, and you are scared and confused, you are doing what you feel is right at the time, and it is coming from your heart.  

Your mom, like all moms, only ever wanted the best for you, and now you have a wonderful motivation to work on yourself, forgive yourself, and thrive.  What a legacy you can leave your mom...your happiness and success.  I know it sounds impossible right now, I am in the same boat.  But give it time...all the time you need.

Also, you have an incredible responsibility with your dad, so you need to be kind to yourself.  You need to give yourself credit for all that you are doing and trying to do.  You sound like a caring, loving son.

Thank you for the advice you gave me, you are right and I am trying.  I'm glad you understand.

I don't know how to post responses under peoples original posts...sorry

[nuvar]

yes let us try to work on moving on and towards success, i think and hope they can see when we achieve it someday and that they would be happy and proud for us.

it will take time for sure though