How to help my friend with loss of spouse

[jlsmith68]

My friend (age 40) suddenly lost her husband (age 41) on Jan 9th. It was very unexpected and was the result of some unknown medical issues he had.

She began texting a man she knows on Jan 20th. She had wanted to have a relationship with him in the past, before her marriage. He was not ready at the time because of a divorce and she moved on. Within about 6 weeks of her husband's death, she and this man began doing things together with both sets of children. She says this is ok because they were friends in the past and the children knew each other when they were younger. I am concerned about her mental state and that she may be avoiding going through the grieving process by replacing her spouse with this man. Should I be concerned and how can I support my friend? I feel like she is relying too heavily on this one person and I don't want her to end up hurt more deeply in all this. 

[Billie Rae]

Oh dear,as a grieving widow I understand your concern all you can do is express how you feel in a kind,non judgmental way one time and perhaps offer a book on grief and then remember it's her choices and decisions because if it turns out okay you will be the one who didn't want it and if she gets hurt she may pull away from you in embarrassment of"told you so".Even in grief she is an adult and must go through whatever happens.If it truly makes you uncomfortable don't see them together but be there for her either way.I hope this helps a bit.love to you both

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

I hope this article is useful to you, I think it offers practical suggestions.

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm

[KayC]

2 hours ago, jlsmith68 said:

My friend (age 40) suddenly lost her husband (age 41) on Jan 9th. It was very unexpected and was the result of some unknown medical issues he had.

She began texting a man she knows on Jan 20th. She had wanted to have a relationship with him in the past, before her marriage. He was not ready at the time because of a divorce and she moved on. Within about 6 weeks of her husband's death, she and this man began doing things together with both sets of children. She says this is ok because they were friends in the past and the children knew each other when they were younger. I am concerned about her mental state and that she may be avoiding going through the grieving process by replacing her spouse with this man. Should I be concerned and how can I support my friend? I feel like she is relying too heavily on this one person and I don't want her to end up hurt more deeply in all this. 

I want to share with you what happened to me, perhaps you can print it out and read it to her.  I am not suggesting that the two situations are the same, only pointing out that we do not have clarity of mind in early grief as grief fog (also known as widow's brain or brain fog) is very real.  I am embarrassed to share this but do on occasion when I feel it might be beneficial to someone.

After my husband died, all of our friends disappeared, overnight!  My daughter soon went back to her life and my son was away in the Air Force.  I was alone in my grief, floundering, did not know what to do, how to handle this.  My anxiety was full bore, I remember pacing, wanting to talk to someone, unable to sleep.  Shortly after his funeral someone called saying they were a friend of his and I had to tell him that George had just died (I now realize he was aware of that and it's questionable that they were friends).  He set out to prey on me in my vulnerable state, but I didn't realize that at the time, I only knew I could talk to him.  He was very good at it, he was a con.  We married in a couple of years and he used my credit to the tune of $57,000 and then disappeared...I had to file a missing person's report to find out what happened to him.  He never lived with me, by the way, but during our short marriage, he lived with one woman, and then another.  The first one I forgave him, thinking we just needed to put our lives together, something he'd led me to believe he would.  He didn't.  The police found him living in our new motor home with this young woman, a motor home I got stuck paying for but never got to spend a night in.  I filed for divorce...I wish I'd had it annulled but alas too much time had passed.  I do not consider it a marriage in the least...it was just a con who used and discarded me as cons do.

What I do want to point out is that I had no clarity of brain in my grief-stricken state.  I remember trying to "rebuild my life" (the wrong way).  My own mom was widowed for 32 years and put everything on us kids, we had to be her all, and that was a lot of pressure...I didn't want to do that to my kids.  

It's rather soon for her to introduce someone to her young children.  She needs to get used to living on her own and be okay just being her, that can take a long time.  I speak from experience.  It's been nearly 14 years since my husband died.  I don't date, I'm in charge of my life and take care of my finances, property, etc and have had to learn to be alone.  I wrote this article at about ten years out, the things I've learned over the years, I hope something will be of help to her.  I hope she will come here and post, we want to be there for her.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

In her state of desperation, she may not listen to you.  I think most of us feel desperate when our spouse dies.  

https://www.refugeingrief.com/2018/04/10/grief-crazy/
 

It's why they say not to make major decisions the first year.  I would extend that to about three years.  It really does take a long time...

[Billie Rae]

Kayc,again my love your experience is so very valuable,I think I know why you were left behind,it was to share your love,kindness and knowledge with us.I love you
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[jlsmith68]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

In her state of desperation, she may not listen to you.  I think most of us feel desperate when our spouse dies.  

https://www.refugeingrief.com/2018/04/10/grief-crazy/
 

It's why they say not to make major decisions the first year.  I would extend that to about three years.  It really does take a long time...

KayC, thank you so much for sharing your story with me (all of us)! This is all very helpful. Thank you so much.

[foreverhis]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

I am embarrassed to share this but do on occasion when I feel it might be beneficial to someone.

Kay, I understand why you say you feel embarrassed, but I wish you wouldn't be.  What happened to you is all too typical, as I'm sure you know by now.  You were bereft having lost your soulmate, best friend, and love of your life.  Any of us could fall prey to someone like that, especially since that brain fog you mention blurs so much of our logic and regular thinking.  Heaven knows I have plenty of it myself.

I'm sorry to say that my uncle experienced something similar.  The difference was that someone he knew from a music group introduced him to her sister.  Looking back it was clear that the whole thing was a setup to get the sister into his life, moving in with him, and taking as much as possible.  Even the rest of us didn't quite see it right away.  We were all concerned, of course, but we didn't see what a manipulative con artist she was.

Because of my uncle's experience and going through it with the rest of the family, I have been on guard and highly suspicious of people I meet or men who suddenly seem too interested.  If I hadn't seen what happened to my uncle, who I believe died much sooner than he would have, and had that direct experience, I might have been more vulnerable.

@jlsmith68  All I can suggest is that you be there for her one way or the other as this unfolds.  You can certainly tell her of your concerns, in as loving a way as possible.  I don't know how old her children are, but that is yet another concern, I'm sure.  In the end, she will have to decide for herself what to do.  And she may need you to help get her through it.

I would be very concerned that she contacted him so soon after.  You may be right that she is using this to block her grief.  As this is someone she knew and obviously cared about before adds another layer of emotion and probably another worry for you.

I wish I had better advice for you, but I know Kay's resources will be excellent ones.

[JES]

@KayC I can definitely understand what you went through and how easy to want someone to share and to talk too. I remember going through this early on, I missed his male voice and wanting just to hear a male voice, and to have someone to talk too, to help me make decisions. I thought of afew people I knew I could call, including a old single boyfriend I knew would love me to call. I thought of it but knowing I didnt want a boyfriend, I decided not too, as I knew it would only give him hope ( he had proposed 45 yrs. ago and I had said no) , and it wasn't what I wanted...just a male who would be a friend. But I understand how we are so vulnerable and not thinking clearly. To this day, 6 months in 3 days I have no urge to date every again. I am ok with being alone...my first alone ever. I havent posted alot lately, seem to be in the dark pits again when I thought I was doing well....when I feel this way, I have no energy to post. I try to be positive but there is sadness and I tear up easy lately. I am sad for him that hes missing out.  I guess this is just a part of the despair that comes when you least expect it.  Today was my income tax prep. day, the dogs got haircuts, I was out and about but felt no joy, just doing what I have to do to get by.  Ive been reading the posts and it helps me knowing you all get it.  Im sorry we all are going through this and we all are in pain. Love to all. Jeanne

 

[jlsmith68]

I wanted to say thank you again to everyone for their thoughts. I posted this same topic on another forum and every reply has been an attack on me, telling me to keep my thoughts to myself. I have certainly not shared any of the thoughts I shared above with my friend. Thank you all for understanding that I only want to help and support her and I was looking for guidance from others that have been in the same situation because I haven't been. You all have been very sweet and helpful.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

@jlsmith68  All I can suggest is that you be there for her one way or the other as this unfolds.  You can certainly tell her of your concerns, in as loving a way as possible.  I don't know how old her children are, but that is yet another concern, I'm sure.  In the end, she will have to decide for herself what to do.  And she may need you to help get her through it.

Agreed and amen!

[KayC]

6 hours ago, jlsmith68 said:

I wanted to say thank you again to everyone for their thoughts. I posted this same topic on another forum and every reply has been an attack on me, telling me to keep my thoughts to myself. I have certainly not shared any of the thoughts I shared above with my friend. Thank you all for understanding that I only want to help and support her and I was looking for guidance from others that have been in the same situation because I haven't been. You all have been very sweet and helpful.

I am sorry that was your experience there but I think it was mainly one that differed...I dare her to respond as such to me!  Marty has not responded yet but I think she will.  I usually come on line first thing in the morning to both forums and respond so was not there when you posted.  I think this forum is more trafficked and thus has more response, but the other one has the benefit of a professional grief counselor and tons of articles, blogs, videos, books, etc. etc. Kieron's opinion is just that, just as mine is my opinion but based on my experience.  It's quite possible we could both be wrong and he might be Mr. Wonderful but if so he wouldn't mind slowing way down until she has had more time in for her grief and clarity of mind to return.  I see a whole lot of red flags here!

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, jlsmith68 said:

I posted this same topic on another forum and every reply has been an attack on me, telling me to keep my thoughts to myself.

Oh, that really upsets me on your behalf.  What is wrong with some people?  Actually, I guess that's a rhetorical question because I simply do not understand why some people behave the way they do.  Most of us here have experienced "What the...?" times with people we thought we could count on either "yelling" at us, telling us that whatever we're doing or feeling is somehow wrong (like we're grieving wrong), or simply disappearing. 

@KayC  I'm glad you know the other forum and can put the responses in perspective.  I still think it is inappropriate to "yell" at someone who is honestly trying to help someone she loves.  But I'm sure your input will help smooth the waters, so to speak.

@jlsmith68  Please do come here to talk to us.  We will not berate you for trying to help your friend and her family.  I think it is very caring of you to not just want to help, but to want to figure out how best to go about it.  I'm sorry people on the other forum don't get that and simply lash out.

[KayC]

I think the person that responded that way too her personalized it because she said she had done the same thing early in her grief but had fortunately figured it out...but what if she hadn't?  She could have ended up in the same boat as me!  Another person personalized it too a bit as she is someone resistant to anyone suggesting things to her, at least that's how I see it might possibly be, but she wasn't as attacking, just a little cautionary.  Someone said to tread lightly, I get that, of course she would, she's not going to hit her friend over the head, I see her as someone who is caring for her friend and trust she'll be sensitive when she warns her.  That's why I suggested she print out our responses for her friend, that way it's coming from us, not her, and maybe she'll be more inclined to listen to those who HAVE been there.

[Billie Rae]

Oh, that really upsets me on your behalf.  What is wrong with some people?  Actually, I guess that's a rhetorical question because I simply do not understand why some people behave the way they do.  Most of us here have experienced "What the...?" times with people we thought we could count on either "yelling" at us, telling us that whatever we're doing or feeling is somehow wrong (like we're grieving wrong), or simply disappearing. 
[mention=405375]KayC[/mention]  I'm glad you know the other forum and can put the responses in perspective.  I still think it is inappropriate to "yell" at someone who is honestly trying to help someone she loves.  But I'm sure your input will help smooth the waters, so to speak.
[mention=412793]jlsmith68[/mention]  Please do come here to talk to us.  We will not berate you for trying to help your friend and her family.  I think it is very caring of you to not just want to help, but to want to figure out how best to go about it.  I'm sorry people on the other forum don't get that and simply lash out.

I just want to say Ditto.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[jlsmith68]

24 minutes ago, KayC said:

I think the person that responded that way too her personalized it because she said she had done the same thing early in her grief but had fortunately figured it out...but what if she hadn't?  She could have ended up in the same boat as me!  Another person personalized it too a bit as she is someone resistant to anyone suggesting things to her, at least that's how I see it might possibly be, but she wasn't as attacking, just a little cautionary.  Someone said to tread lightly, I get that, of course she would, she's not going to hit her friend over the head, I see her as someone who is caring for her friend and trust she'll be sensitive when she warns her.  That's why I suggested she print out our responses for her friend, that way it's coming from us, not her, and maybe she'll be more inclined to listen to those who HAVE been there.

Thank you @KayC. Maybe I was just overly sensitive this morning but both responses  (including the "tread lightly" one) rubbed me the wrong way and brought me to tears. I would never try to tell my friend what to do. I know this man and know that he has credit card debt, lives in a rented trailer that has its share of mice. All I can think about is that my friend received the life insurance proceeds from her husband's death and I know that she told the man about this. She didn't know what to do with the money and told him she had put it in a CD for now. She had to explain to him what a CD was.

[KayC]

I wish I had a friend like you!  

I found this article from Whats Your Grief (I subscribe to them) on avoidance...dating so soon after her husband's death can be a way of avoidance...not saying it is, but it can be.  Food for thought...

https://whatsyourgrief.com/avoidance-in-grief/

[foreverhis]

@KayC Thank you for the explanations.  It really helps to understand how and why people might respond.  It can be difficult to catch nuances when we can't actually see another person's face.

[KayC]

I noticed today that both posters recanted after they read her post more carefully and thought about it, I think they just went with a personalized gut reaction which wasn't good.  I was disappointed in the article Marty posted because it wasn't applicable for the situation when you read her post thoroughly and read the article thoroughly.  

[jlsmith68]

31 minutes ago, KayC said:

I noticed today that both posters recanted after they read her post more carefully and thought about it, I think they just went with a personalized gut reaction which wasn't good.  I was disappointed in the article Marty posted because it wasn't applicable for the situation when you read her post thoroughly and read the article thoroughly.  

Yes, I was disappointed in the article as well. It was about finding love after the death of a spouse. That was why I had so much trouble researching things online. It seemed like everything I came across said you should not judge a widow/widower for starting to date again, etc. Nothing was really applicable to this particular situation. I would never pretend to know how long it would take someone to be comfortable with dating again and realize that is also going to vary greatly from person to person and situation. I just feel like this is all happening way too fast. Even though she texted him 11 days after the death, I can see that as just wanting someone to talk with. It seems to be mostly him that is suggesting them doing things together, he comes to her house and his kids have spent the night there. They are both saying this must be God's will for them to be together. (I'm sorry, I do not know the guidelines regarding religion on the forum) I just can't wrap my mind around how far things have gotten in such a short amount of time.

I should mention, her kids are from a first marriage that ended in divorce. This was her second marriage. So, his kids and her kids knew each other as small children. I don't think I ever clarified that before but this is why they have said it is fine for them to all do things together because the children knew each other before. The ages now are 12/15 hers and 9/12 his.

[Billie Rae]

So you know,it doesn't sound good to me.Its to soon and if he had to ask what a C.D is it doesn't sound like they are on the same intelligence level and That never works well.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I noticed today that both posters recanted after they read her post more carefully and thought about it, I think they just went with a personalized gut reaction which wasn't good.

Oh boy, I've been there and done that too.  Then I have to rethink what I've said or written and sometimes want to figuratively smack myself upside the head and say, "What's wrong with you, idiot girl?"

I think one of the bravest things any of us do is admit when we've been careless, thoughtless, or even rude.  We're human; we blow it sometimes.  What matters is what we do next.

Thanks for following up on the original posts.  I don't know why, but it makes me feel better--even though it really has nothing to do with me.

[JES]

@jlsmith68  I think it is wonderful that you are concerned for your friend. Only a true friend would care so much, and not want to see her friend hurting more or making a mistake.  @foreverhis  I too, worry when I post at times and read it over later.  I tend to get way off track/ off subject which I seem to do often.  So sorry to all who read my posts.  Yes, we are only human,  admitting and forgiveness is key......we are all probably more sensitive at this time also, something we have no control over.  Love and hugs to all.

[KayC]

Well I certainly get it and I hope your friend will hear you!