Lost The Loml

[Lulu2000]

So basically I’m 18 and my 19 year old bf passed away a couple weeks ago and ever since then my life has been flipped up side down. I really thought we were gonna spend the rest of our lives together. We literally had everything planned and right now I just feel so empty and alone. My favorite person who meant the whole world to me is gone and I have no clue how to keep going. People gave me so much advice but it’s literally the same thing over and over again and idk I just feel like I’m stuck in this cycle of depression and anxiety and I miss him like crazy. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry, that is incredibly hard to lose him so young.  We grieve them but also our dreams for the future.  You will never forget him.  This isn't something we "get over" like a cold.  Don't let people pressure you to "move on" (we don't), it takes time to process our grief and more time to find purpose again, and even more time to build a life we can live, it took me years after my husband died, he was my world!

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

I wrote this article at about ten years out, and I hope you find something in it that is helpful to you.  Keep posting your feelings, we want to be here for you and it really does help to express ourselves to people who get it and it's validating to know what we are going through is normal for grief.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Lulu2000]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

 

Thank you so much I will check that link out and yea honestly like people keep telling me that I’ll get over it and I need to move on at some point and I understand that I’m gonna have to move on at some point but at the same time picturing myself with anyone other than him makes me feel so nauseous. All I do is pray for him and pray that he’s happy and safe. I just want my heart to heal and not have to feel this pain of losing my bestfriend/partner.

[John/Wendy]

I’m so sorry for your loss. Just “Know” you now have a “Angel” watching over you now! He will always be with you and would want you to “Live”. Talk to him! Write to him. But never stop beliving you will see him again. What you shared was special! He would want you to live life to the fullest and enjoy your long life ahead. He will always treasure your time together but would never want you to suffer with those memories. Time “Will” ease your pain but will never replace the loss of him in your life. Just hold on! One day, one breath, one hopeful thought at a time. Your future is his dream for you! Honor that! Live for that. Remember that!

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, Lulu2000 said:

Thank you so much I will check that link out and yea honestly like people keep telling me that I’ll get over it

I'm so sorry you lost your love and at such a young age.  Do not listen to anyone who tells you to "move on" or "get over it" or anything like that.  It's been a couple of weeks and people are already saying "Get over it"?  Argh!  I greatly suspect that somewhere along the way someone will tell you that you're too young to really know love or an equally hurtful (and wrong) cliche.  Some people don't know what to say, so they say nothing or something thoughtless/heartless.  And sometimes our grieving makes other people uncomfortable.  Well, that's just too bad--It is your grief and you are entitled to go through it however you can.

I believe we will take this grief and loss with us forever.  That does not mean that you will never be happy again, but it does mean that your love will be a part of you always.  Your memories and love for him are what you will be able to cherish in time, at least I think so.  I will tell you the truth.  I had my husband for 35 years and I miss him every minute of every day.  Though I am able to see small bits of light and step into them sometimes, I am still in the dark, grieving deeply, most of the time.  I accept it and am trying to learn how to live with my grief without letting it drag me into permanent darkness.

I'm certain you've gotten this advice before, but it's true and useful:  The only way through this is to take one day, one hour at a time.  If I look too far down the road, I start to panic.  You must allow yourself the time and space to grieve, regardless of the fact that our society just flat sucks at handling death and grieving.  Not even I can say I "know" how you feel because our grief is unique to each of us.  But I do know how impossible things seem right now.

I urge you to come here often.  Every one of us understands what it is like to lose our soulmates.  Every one of us will listen whenever you need to vent, question, cry, or ask for help.

My heart goes out to you.

[JES]

@Lulu2000  I am so sorry for your loss of your love and your future. Your timeline for grief is your own, and no one can tell you how long, or to get over it.  A couple weeks, to me that seems impossible. When you love that much, how can we get over it so fast.  You will go through many feelings, we understand, we' re all there ourselves in different time frames.  Feel free to vent, talk, read, express your feelings, we all share your pain and do not put a time limit on anyones grief. You may also learn some things that may help you cope at the time. Love to you dear.

[JES]

@Lulu2000 My daughter lost a fiance in a car accident at a young age and we did take her to her doctor for aliittle help for anxiety and depression.  They did give her something temporarily to help her get through. Just a thought as its something they may help you with. It just kinda took the edge off for her, it didnt make her forget him. She still talks about him years later and the good memories they had.

[Lulu2000]

Thank you for all you guys helpful reply’s I’m happy that I found a place where people know how I feel. 7 months ago I lost my childhood bestfriend to cancer and that really took a toll on me and when I met my bf he really helped me become happier after that depressing time in my life. I’ve also thought about going to therapy my college has like free therapy I think I’ll have to talk to my psychology professor and ask her. It sucks because I see people complaining about the simplist stuff in their relationships and they get mad and upset and act like their whole world is ending, but then you’re like if only they knew that some people have it much worse and that they should be grateful that they don’t have to go through this pain that we’re all feeling. Even through all this stuff that’s going on I’m still grateful for everything in my life. Everything from God is good no matter how tragic it may be.

[John/Wendy]

You have been blessed with, and a little cursed with one of the hardest lessons in life. You will forever see the world differently and relationships more precious than those who have not experienced what you have. Yes, the world will look a little more fragile and temporary to you. And yes seeing people treat life and relationships so recklessly can make you want to slap them, and say “ Hey, you don’t know what you have!” Just don’t let this part of your life take to much of your joy and hope for your future. God will show you better lessons. Maybe with you being so young, you could become a physiologist and help others through your experience. The world needs people like you to help them see from your loss, just how good they have it and that people can survive tragedy. God bless you on your journey.

[KayC]

I have a SIL that lost her fiance when she was very young and she's never forgotten him although she did meet and marry after college.  Her husband understands and the whole family too, it's not something we "get over" but something we rather learn to live with.

[Lulu2000]

Yess that’s what I kinda want to do something that has to do with psychology to help others. It doesn’t matter in what way I just want to help people. But yes I do definitely wish that people can see what they have and not take that for granted because things can change in a literal second. 

[John/Wendy]

I can say from my experience that the ones that are now not with us physically will forever walk, talk and guide us through the rest of our journey until we meet again. Always remember, even for your short time together, you were in the presence of an Angel. They will strengthen and help guide you. They cannot forget us. And we will never forget them.

[Lulu2000]

I always try and like talk to him sometimes when I’m praying or like just randomly. I think I’m going to start writing to him because I heard it helps but idk does it? 

[Billie Rae]

I always try and like talk to him sometimes when I’m praying or like just randomly. I think I’m going to start writing to him because I heard it helps but idk does it? 

For me it helps,I've said my I'm sorrys and tell him about my day and sometimes I even text his phone,I'm sure that he can see his texts.Writing seems to get it out of my head.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Lulu2000]

Yea I text his Snapchat sometimes  even tho he can never open it. I feel maybe if I wrote to him I’ll feel better instead of texting him, because like I wouldn’t just be on delivered. 

[foreverhis]

Many of us write journals of our thoughts and/or letters to our loves to help express our grief and kind of figure out ways to cope.  I think it would be an excellent idea for you to do that.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Lulu2000 said:

I always try and like talk to him sometimes when I’m praying or like just randomly. I think I’m going to start writing to him because I heard it helps but idk does it? 

I do...I keep a Letters to George file in my computer.

[Billie Rae]

Yea I text his Snapchat sometimes [emoji20] even tho he can never open it. I feel maybe if I wrote to him I’ll feel better instead of texting him, because like I wouldn’t just be on delivered. 

I also keep a journal of letters to him and it helps to get my thoughts on paper.I go back and read my first ones and see how my grief is evolving and where my thoughts are

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Sunflower2]

10 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Many of us write journals of our thoughts and/or letters to our loves to help express our grief and kind of figure out ways to cope.  I think it would be an excellent idea for you to do that.

Yes.  My journal starts every morning with my conversing with Wayne as we did. I now find writing (this form of communication) a beautiful way of having conversations with him.  At the beginning it was talking and journaling. Now the writing is creating a deep healing and sharing in this newness. It may be something so simple as "what do you think?" Asking that I know his response.  

It is amazing how the initial journal writings were so full of despair and grief  in comparison to my entries today. Bringing me back to a wholeness even with that deep void.  Blending the yin and the yang. 

[Lulu2000]

Thank you all for helping me with this I’m gonna go to the store and pickup a cute notebook that I would be able to write to him in and I’m gonna start doing that every day.