Feeling so Guilty

[SBA]

It has been almost 9 months since my husband died.  The onset of alzheimer's disease was diagnosed 5 years ago, but he declined rapidly in about 5 weeks time.  He was placed in Hospice for 3 days after being in the hospital for about 4 weeks.  I feel so guilty because I knew he was dying and I was asleep when he passed.  I should have been holding him in my arms and telling him how much I loved him.  I was beside him for all of this time, but wasn't holding him and I know he would have wanted me to.  I have only told one person how guilty I feel and they said, of course, he chose that time to die.  But, in my heart, I know he would have wanted me holding his hand.  I am so lost without him and had no idea I would be this weak.  I know my God and have faith, but just feel that I failed him.

Thanks for listening.

[Billie Rae]

Guilt is common in grief my love.All of us feel guilty for a lot of things.know that you did your best and you were sleeping because of the stress of caregiving he knew and knows you love him.I'm so sorry you find yourself here with us but stay this group has saved my sanity.We do not judge and we understand we truly understand.
Hugs Billie

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[adventure]

I am so so sorry for your loss. I understand. I felt that when my mother passed. I didn’t want her to be alone. She had so much aloneness in the last years of her life. I wanted to hold her hand as she transitioned. She deserved to have at least one of her children at her bedside when she passed. But I was tired. Bone weary tired and I just wanted a few hours of sleep in my bed. I thought we were days away. I’m struggling so much with the loss of my second husband. I’m barely breathing through each day. It’s been a very difficult almost 10 months. It’s gotten harder with each day. Missing him so much. I have been reading a lot of books and articles on near death experiences, transitioning and the Afterlife. The consistent thread is the peacefulness and surrounding of love that happens during the transition. Also quite a few accounts state the awesome feeling of freedom being released from the physical body. I find some comfort in this. Guilt is a horrible heavy burden to carry. You were with him. Take care of yourself and forgive yourself. And you are so very far from weak my dear!!! A diagnosis of Alzheimer’s  for 5 years is not something that the faint of heart can bear. As our loved ones made a transition, we are too. And it is a heart wrenching, bone weary, guilt ridden, tear stained transition from “we” to “me”. In this forum you will find you are not alone. 

[SBA]

Thank you  other for replying. This is tough. I have been reading this forum for awhile and finally posted. We all just miss them. Dave was the love of my life and this journey is just taking it day by day. Prayers for us all.

[Billie Rae]

Hugs and love to you today.One day one moment at a time

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[KayC]

19 hours ago, SBA said:

It has been almost 9 months since my husband died.  The onset of alzheimer's disease was diagnosed 5 years ago, but he declined rapidly in about 5 weeks time.  He was placed in Hospice for 3 days after being in the hospital for about 4 weeks.  I feel so guilty because I knew he was dying and I was asleep when he passed.  I should have been holding him in my arms and telling him how much I loved him.  I was beside him for all of this time, but wasn't holding him and I know he would have wanted me to.  I have only told one person how guilty I feel and they said, of course, he chose that time to die.  But, in my heart, I know he would have wanted me holding his hand.  I am so lost without him and had no idea I would be this weak.  I know my God and have faith, but just feel that I failed him.

Thanks for listening.

I am so sorry for the way you are feeling...we were always together, always there for each other, went through everything together...but that fateful weekend I was at my sisters' reunion which we had once a year.  He didn't let me know right after I left that he had a heart attack, he didn't want to "ruin my weekend", that's how he was, always thinking of me.  By the time a friend let me know, I was 4 1/2 hours away, my sister had driven and would not bring me home (she wanted to stay and gamble).  Yes, I've had a hard time with that one.  Two days later she brought me to the hospital, he'd been undergoing tests all weekend and the news was not good.  It was the worst weekend of my life, I only wanted to be with him.  When I got to his room, there were people there and the nurse said they needed us to leave so they could move him.  They finally okayed me going in, and he was asleep.  He woke up having a heart attack, I ran for the nurse's station, they called the code, doctor's came running, they were working on him and the nurse threw me off the ward and locked the door behind me.  I will never forget it, crying out, "But I AM HIS LITTLE ONE!"  He died.

I felt much the same as you, he would have wanted me there, holding his hand.  The way everything transpired I felt like a pawn in a horribly written script in which I was cut out.  For years I asked myself, "Did he KNOW I wanted to be with him, that he was on my heart and mind constantly, that he was my world?!"  Yes, he knew.  He had to know, we were ALWAYS each other's worlds.  We had immense faith in each other, we knew each other's minds and hearts, it's just how it always was with us.  He would not want me fretting about something I was unable to change, he would want me at peace, he was always thinking of me even as I was him.  But he'd also be the first to understand how hard this is.

Don't feel bad about feeling weak, this is enough to send all of us to our knees.  You didn't fail him, and he knows that.  It's just a feeling and feelings aren't always rational, it's part of grief.  We all go through the rethinking everything, hashing and rehashing all of it, all of the what-ifs, all of the shoulda/coulda/wouldas.  It's grief.  (((hugs)))

[foreverhis]

20 hours ago, SBA said:

I am so lost without him and had no idea I would be this weak.  I know my God and have faith, but just feel that I failed him.

You are not weak.  You are human and grieving.  You have lost the love and light of your life.  There is no weakness in how you react or in admitting everything you are feeling and thinking.

I was holding my husband's hand and playing his favorite music at the very end, but I could just as easily have been sleeping.  After weeks and months of spending every waking hour either being with him at the hospital or rehab and helping with his care, being at home caring for him, or just trying to do the very basic things like pay the bills and take a shower, and after spending countless nights fitfully sleeping in a recliner (that was often needed by the hospital early the next morning--so up at 5 and then try to literally sleep in a chair for a while) by his hospital bed, I was more exhausted then I could ever imagine being. 

He was supposed to come home on hospice, but his kidneys were failing during the night, so they moved us to a large private room because he couldn't be safely brought home.  He had been on comfort care for a couple of days, so at least he was in little pain by then.  They brought in the recliner I'd been sleeping in.  I asked his nurse, "He's not coming home, is he?"  She shook her head.  I literally collapsed and went back to sleep for a couple of hours.  My body could not take another moment just then.  It was very unlikely he would have died during that time, but he could have.  I'm not sure how I would have felt; I'm really not.  I would probably have added that to my burden of guilt.  But I also know that he would not have blamed me.

Feelings of guilt and failure?  Those are constant companions for me.  I go over and over all the decisions we made and I made when he couldn't.  I ask myself "Why did/didn't we/the doctors...?" and "We/I should/shouldn't have..." and take all the burden on myself, even though I honestly think his doctors should have done more when his symptoms changed and I believe they let us down.  I ask my love to forgive me for all those faults and failings because I am the one here and he is gone.  And I can't even be angry with him because he did nothing wrong, none of it was his fault.  I even had to give him the mantra "None of this is my fault" because he kept apologizing for getting so sick.

You did everything you could to help your husband and you were there for him through it all.  I do not believe he "chose" that time to die.  I believe it simply happened at that time.  Of course you will regret not being able to hold him and tell him you love him one more time, but I bet you held him and told him you loved him often.  I cannot believe he would blame you or feel you let him down because your mind and body demanded a bit of rest.  I cannot tell you to let go of your guilt though because I haven't be able to do that for myself.  But I am trying to remember that my love and I did the best we could at the time and that we are both only imperfect humans.  If there was ever a time to give ourselves a break, I think it is now.  But that is easier said than done, I know that.  That's one reason I find being here so helpful because the members here understand more than anyone else possibly can.

I am sending you big hugs from one loving wife to another.

[SBA]

Thank you "ForeverHis" for your response. I love your name and have been reading this board for a while and I always look for your posts because it fits my story also.  You are right, we did tell each other everyday that we loved one another.  I just keep looking for him when I go home in the evening after work, it seems like he should still be there.  All of us I'm sure want just one more time with them.  I have a great family and friends, but when everyone has gone home, it is just me with my memories.  He loved this time of year with the NCAA Tournament and it will soon be turkey season here.  So many things he loved and is missing out on.  His grandchildren who he loved to watch play sports and his "Princess" that loved her Grandpa so much.  He will always be "My Forever".  

[SBA]

KayC, you are so needed on this board and always reply with such heartfelt words.  Your story is so sad and I feel for you having to stay away and then getting there and getting shut out.  You always give me hope and for that I thank you.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I do not believe he "chose" that time to die.

I don't know that they GET to choose their time to go!

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't know that they GET to choose their time to go!

Exactly.  Why would your soulmate choose to go at a moment when you weren't allowed to be there?  I don't believe he would.  I don't think we get to choose and I don't think we'll ever understand the whole of it.

That's why it bothered me to read that the one person SBA told her fears to replied that "of course" he chose to die while she was asleep.  I don't believe he chose it at all, but that for reasons beyond our comprehension it happened at that moment.

[Billie Rae]

They don't choose when to go,I know Charlie's body just had to much,he fought it over and over his vessel had been through to much
Love to you all

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