Valentine Day

[Mary G]

I haven’t been on in a while just too stressed and not coping well. This will be my first Valentine Day without my sweet Ernest and was wondering what others were doing to her through the day. I just keep thinking maybe if I could just stay awake for like the 48 hours before maybe I could just sleep through it and wake up when it’s over. 

[Billie Rae]

Do something for yourself,be it a bubble bath,a walk be good and kind to yourself.This is also my first,I'm only less than a month on this journey I plan on getting my Charlie a card and write my feelings in it.I'm so sorry for your pain.love and hugs Billie Rae

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[beaniele]

I haven’t been on in a while just too stressed and not coping well. This will be my first Valentine Day without my sweet Ernest and was wondering what others were doing to her through the day. I just keep thinking maybe if I could just stay awake for like the 48 hours before maybe I could just sleep through it and wake up when it’s over. 

Same for me. I was out with my Dad and sister who needed Valentine cards. When I saw " For My Husband", I lost it and had to leave. Roger died Nov. 16. Our 25th Anniversary was to be Dec 11th. Then the holidays. Now Valentine's. It has just been all at once and my heart is breaking. My thoughts are with everyone.

Linda

[ModKatB]

Just remember to breathe and then cry if you need to or scream or even do nothing at all.  This journey is not an easy one and the holidays, birthdays and anniversaries don't help but you will make it thru. It has been a year for me since I lost the love of my life and I still have days where I all I want to do is hide under the covers and never come out but I also have days where I can bring out all the lovely memories I have of him and I smile and even laugh at some of the things I remember.

 No matter what happens, you can do this even if it is only one moment at a time.

 

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

[John/Wendy]

I’m soooo with you there! Went to the store today and all the flowers and Valentines decorations and cards just about broke me too. Just to have one more hug or kiss. What we all wouldn’t give. I went for my walk in the park after that just to talk with my wife. Looking like an idiot, as it was raining and cold. But it gets me through. Letting my mind reminisce about all the romantic dinners and special Valentines we shared. I’m glad it was raining. Hides tears. I told my wife I wished we would have danced more. Seems like we were always to busy raising kids to go out dancing more. I have so many regrets now concerning the things I wish we would have done more. I just want more. These holidays are excruciating. I just keep telling myself how lucky we were to have had 31 years together. So many others were not as fortunate. I just feel so robbed. I want more! The feeling of wanting to be where she is, is crushing. How to get over that feeling is killing me day by day. I made her promises, so I beg her and God daily to help me not to entertain those thoughts. This truly is hell on earth. I know she is screaming at me to live, and look for the good in life, but saying and doing that are two different things. I pray we all make it through this Lovers Holiday. I know are Loves are with us and wrapping thier arms around us and kissing us with every gentle breeze that crosses our faces. We just have to learn a new way to embrace them as well. Love and hugs to all. 

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, John/Wendy said:

Just to have one more hug or kiss. What we all wouldn’t give.

Like you, I'd give anything and everything.

I have a confession to make:  My husband and I stopped really celebrating Valentine's day a long time ago.  Instead, we vowed to continue small romantic or loving gestures throughout the year. It could be something as simple as me sensing him feeling down and making him his favorite dessert or him seeing one of my medical conditions was flaring up and coming over to rub my back or make me a cup of my favorite tea.  It started the year I had to work late February 14 and I got irked that he somehow didn't read my mind and bring me a romantic dinner to my office.  Never mind that he wouldn't have even been allowed to bring it in and never mind that I didn't have time for a long dinner break.  No, there I was in my 20s convinced that if he didn't "do" something special on February 14, it meant he didn't care enough.  What an idiot I was.  So rather than worrying about making Valentine's day special, we decided that for us it would just be another day together.  If we did something a little special, fine; if not, also fine.

So this is probably the one and only holiday that hasn't caused me stress.  But I'll admit seeing all the hearts, flowers, candy, and so forth is a little difficult because it reminds me that I was so lucky to have a man love me and like me enough to stick with me forever, through all the ups and downs.

[Laney]

I would like to just sleep through it too, I if could.  Valentine's Day is really getting to me.  I lost my soulmate in June 2018 and have gotten through our birthdays, anniversary and the holidays, but for some reason Valentine's is hitting me really hard.....  Everything has actually been really hard lately.  I miss him so much!

[KayC]

Valentine's Day is always hard for me...it never meant much until I met George.  He always made the most of everything, every holiday, every season, he had so much zest for life, he reminded me of a puppy wagging it's tail.  He enjoyed spoiling me on Valentine's Day and I swear anything like that was just an excuse to him to do what he wanted to do anyway...show me love.  

I guess that's the one up side of having so much snow I can't go anyplace, I will miss the church's Valentine's banquet, I won't see the chocolate and floral displays in the store.  I will probably watch Charlie Brown, they always have something for every event.

Some articles on Valentine's Day for us:

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/02/grief-rituals-can-help-on-valentines.html
https://www.refugeingrief.com/2017/02/14/valentines-day-youre-grieving/
https://www.verywellhealth.com/how-to-survive-valentines-day-grief-1132537
https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-and-valentines-day-2014/
https://pittsburgh.cbslocal.com/2012/02/08/coping-with-grief-on-valentines-day/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beautiful-grief/201202/what-do-about-valentines-day
http://widowchick.blogspot.com/2014/02/single-on-valentines-day-and-box-of.html

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

He enjoyed spoiling me on Valentine's Day and I swear anything like that was just an excuse to him to do what he wanted to do anyway...show me love.

What a wonderful and special man he was.  I love your description of him having a "zest for life."  The love and joy you brought to each other was priceless.

[Michelene]

last year I sent my husband a valentine through the mail so I could get it, open it, and read it to him. He had only been gone for two months. This year I will write him a letter and read it to him. It's my birthday as well so at least I get over two holidays in one day. Just another day, but I will write my husband a letter and read it to him. My husband would even send me a birthday card from our cat. 

sometimes i feel like I am losing my mind. I think everyone thinks I am doing better. they don't know. 

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, Michelene said:

I think everyone thinks I am doing better. they don't know.

No, they don't.  But (and I hesitate to say it this way) I completely understand.  It's the same way for me.

I think what you're doing with writing a letter is wonderful and loving.

[Billie Rae]

You are right,They don't know.I pretend to be normal because people are uncomfortable with my grief.I journal my day each night in a letter to Charlie.one tough thing for me is Charlie and my client have the same birthday,ouch.Writing is therapeutic for me.love to you all.Billie Rae

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[John/Wendy]

3 hours ago, Michelene said:

last year I sent my husband a valentine through the mail so I could get it, open it, and read it to him. He had only been gone for two months. This year I will write him a letter and read it to him. It's my birthday as well so at least I get over two holidays in one day. Just another day, but I will write my husband a letter and read it to him. My husband would even send me a birthday card from our cat. 

sometimes i feel like I am losing my mind. I think everyone thinks I am doing better. they don't know. 

Losing my mind. I know we all feel like that. Never did I think my life would come to this. Walking around talking to a ghost, dreaming of my wife and never wakeing up from this nightmare. None of this feels real, normal or sane. You feel like screaming to everyone, “Hey, your world can come crashing down in an instant! Please love like there’s no tomorrow, because this can happen to you!!

[Glolilly]

I have already hit my first Valentine Day a year ago so I think I will be ok. Since most restaurants were always packed I usually cooked a steak or something at home. Sometimes he would rush to the convenience store the last minute.  We basically started doing things for each other every  weekend similar to @foreverhis. The first Valentines last year my oldest college son surprised me at my work with a gigantic teddy, chocolate and card with money inside. I was happily surprised at his gesture but I would've been fine without the attention actually.  I do better when I sort of ignore or downplay it because to me it highlights the problem. Also no holiday doesn't define my love for him. It's all so commercialized. They hype it for sales imo. In the moment love can be expressed by a tired gentle smile while  eating cornbread. Back in the day we didn't have a lot of money and so we cherished each other in common work and play. I mean I loved occasional roses but always worried he spent to much and I hated seeing them only last a few days. Now I know us really meant more to me than that, we had found true love for each other for a whole 25 years. Would I want him to come back? Yes, ....but only,... only if he wanted to come back. When my turn comes, I don't want my sons to beckon me back  if I truly need and want to stay in my deserved peaceful, eternal rest. I'm starting to get more unselfish even though I loved him hard. I must admit this world is not always peaches and cream. I've planned a 2 day weekend getaway to an Airbnb cottage 2 hours away to relax and dine out alone. I don't plan to torment myself with valentine materials to cause triggers. I hope we all take care of ourselves. Blessings and strength to us all. 

[Brazil Man]

6 hours ago, John/Wendy said:

You feel like screaming to everyone, “Hey, your world can come crashing down in an instant! Please love like there’s no tomorrow, because this can happen to you!!

This is so true. People should love like there was not tomorrow.

[Sunflower2]

On ‎2‎/‎12‎/‎2019 at 2:45 AM, Brazil Man said:

This is so true. People should love like there was not tomorrow.

we loved our best here on earth with our partners. We are humans and love isn't perfection.  I felt I didn't love enough  at the beginning when the loss was so raw.  It only increased my suffering.  I now understand that given "us" we gave it our best.

That doesn't mean that I wouldn't have loved that one last moment to say I love you so much and you will be missed.  Those experiencing a sudden loss missed out on that one moment. 

[foreverhis]

"So, what romantic plans do you have for the holiday?"

That is what the grocery checkout clerk asked me yesterday.  First, I had to think about which holiday she meant.  Then, I looked her straight in the eye and said, "None.  My husband died last summer.  There will be no special Valentines for me now."  So instead of letting it drop, she says, "Last summer?" "Yes." "Just this last year?" "Yes. July." "Do you have children with him?" "Yes. A daughter and granddaughter." "Oh. Well, you should be happy to have them."  Say what?  Of course I am happy to have our girls.  And that is supposed to make up for losing my soulmate or let me just move on or something?  Besides that, my husband's death had come up with her in the past.  Of course, I don't expect anyone who doesn't actually know us to remember everything, but I'd have thought that just mentioning it might jog her memory.

At that point, I was just trying to escape the checkout, which was basically finished.  The gentleman behind me in line looked stunned that she wouldn't let it drop.  A kind person would have simply said, "I'm sorry" and moved on.  For crying out loud, this clerk is one who has given me a hard time and been far too intrusive in the past!  I did my utter best to keep my tone civil and quiet.  I succeeded, but once I got outside I was so angry that, well, I cursed out loud in public.  Fortunately, no one was nearby, but even if they had been, I would have cursed anyway--and not words I'd ever repeat here or in front of my mother.
 

Well, there went my "No stress over Valentine's day" mood.  Okay, time for "deep cleansing breaths" and a loving shout out to my dearest husband, who is with me heart and soul.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

That doesn't mean that I wouldn't have loved that one last moment to say I love you so much and you will be missed.  Those experiencing a sudden loss missed out on that one moment. 

As incredibly painful as those last moments are, I am sorry you did not have them with your love.  You did miss out and have every right to feel robbed because of it.

Even though my husband was not able to speak at the end, I believe with all my heart that he heard me and that he knew how much I and everyone who loved him would miss him.  I've given this some thought because those images haunt me still and probably always will, but I can bear them.  I can bear anything if I was able to ease his last minutes.

I'm sending you hugs and love.

[LisaSharon]

Be around people if you can. Stay off social media. No need to even dwell on the fact that it’s Valentines. Pretend it’s a regular day. You’ll get through this! 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

A kind person would have simply said, "I'm sorry" and moved on.

I'm so sorry for this rude and insensitive person that I would report to the manager, she should not work with the public!  I got on FB this morning for a short time before people started posting their lovey dovey stuff, which feels like a stab in our hearts.  I'm wondering how to handle the day with regards to my daughter...her husband left her for 8 months following the loss of their baby, then came back under the pretense of "taking care of her" when she had the flu but in reality is only there to try to steal the apt. from her (it's $500/mo lower than comparable ones)...he's told her he's done with the marriage, and thus has been her last two years, him coming in drunk all hours of the night.  I'm worried about her on V. day.  This is a hard day for many, for all who have lost their spouse, my heart goes out to each of you here.  Hell, I don't even know how I'm going to get through the day, I hate it!  It's a reminder of what I no longer have.

 

15 hours ago, LisaSharon said:

Be around people if you can. Stay off social media. No need to even dwell on the fact that it’s Valentines. Pretend it’s a regular day. You’ll get through this! 

Thank you for that.  

[Marcel]

Well, not only valentine's day but our 5th wedding anniversary, too.
The first one I went to work since she died and I just tried to distract me. Put up her picture  and lit a candle for breakfeast though but mostly I just feel numb.

[foreverhis]

@KayC  You're right.  I have considered addressing it with the manager and may just do that.  But I was so angry that it didn't seem the right time to storm in there sounding like a lunatic.  I was thinking that if she does it again, I may tell her to back off right there in front of other customers.  I know that's probably not best and going to the manager is smarter, so we'll see.

I am so sorry to hear about what's happening with your daughter.  You've mentioned that she was having trouble with her husband, but this is so much worse than I could have imagined.  What a horrid, horrid man.  And to leave after they lost a baby?  There are simply no words I can use here to express my feelings.  Your daughter is dealing with so much and because you are her loving mother, you are feeling anguish, anger, and pain for her as you try to help.  I certainly hope she kicks him out of her apartment and moves through the pain he has caused her toward a better life. 

Smart move staying off social media today.  I don't have much of a presence there, just a small FB account so I can see what our daughter and a small number of friends and family post.  Sometimes I'll read news sources--the few unbiased ones available.  Other than that, I don't pay much attention.  We never had accounts on any of the other social media options.  In part that was because we are fairly private people, in part because we think all of that is making people more detached and liable to express hatred or threaten violence anonymously, and in part because it's creating a worldwide society of narcissistic egomaniacs who believe that everything they do is worthy of adoration and attention.

I am sending you sympathy, hugs, and love that you make it through the day with your sanity intact.

[KayC]

The day didn't go as planned, I'd hoped to make it back in time for the lunch at the senior site, my only acknowledgement of Valentine's Day, most of them also widowed.  Instead, I drove 50 miles away to the tax consultant's, only to find they left off my energy credit carryover ($730), then argued with me about it!  I told them it shows it on last year's return, it was on my cover sheet, AND they'd even told me I'd have a carryover.  They were looking in Fed, it's on State...I reminded them that Trump did away with the Federal energy credits when he took office, something they should know.  Finally they looked at my last year's return, looked in the computer, there's a glitch that doesn't automatically bring it forward (how many people have lost money due to this and didn't realize it?).  They had to redo my taxes while I waited over two hours, so much for lunch.  Made it home at 2.  Now I'm fighting to get an electronic copy of my return.

Logging into FB this morning was painful, all of the pictures of couples having special dinners, roses and chocolates, it's just rough.  Glad it's over for another year.