I had to drive his truck today

[Billie Rae]

It felt so wrong.I ride shotgun in your truck you ride shotgun in my car.It smells like you.Not only do I have to grieve you but the loss of my day to day rituals,the way we had set customs and times for everything.Its all out of sync.I sometimes at night forget to lock the door or turn on the porch light because you did it Before you went to bed.I still get up early so you can have the bathroom when I'm done.I text you to ask what you want on my way home.Then I'm surprised when I get home and your chair is empty.Even when you were sick you were in the chair when I got home.I have to readjust my reality and it just confuses me my way of being in time and space is changed.There is no one to open the stuck jar or show me what tool I need.We have a routine,now I don't.I had a sounding board funny or mad and now I don't,I had a responsibility to someone else now I don't.As I've read other threads I see others learn to cope with this but I'm a caregiver through and through and don't know how not to be or to be one to myself?

 

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[JES]

Its been very hard for me with his truck also. Ive only driven it once this winter but I still go out and start it every so often and let it run awhile to keep battery charged.  And yes, it still smells like him.... I find myself touching and just looking at everything, remembering how his touch was on everything, and it all seems surreal....  when I go back in house, my dogs sniff my pant legs and look up at me with big eyes, they smell him on me and can't understand why hes not walking through the door.  Its so hard at times, you have to wonder how we get through it.  

[Billie Rae]

It's snowing and windy,the power is out and your not here to have a play day.To walk the trail and slide around.will everyday be like this?Can you just come home and let me make you well?If I only had a little more time,I told you"it will be okay baby"and now you're okay and I'm not.Are you sad at my tears are you resting well watching Netflix?I'm trying to do what you told me and be a brave girl a strong girl but I'm having a bad time with it.The big alone.Charlie Charlie

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[Billie Rae]

Its been very hard for me with his truck also. Ive only driven it once this winter but I still go out and start it every so often and let it run awhile to keep battery charged.  And yes, it still smells like him.... I find myself touching and just looking at everything, remembering how his touch was on everything, and it all seems surreal....  when I go back in house, my dogs sniff my pant legs and look up at me with big eyes, they smell him on me and can't understand why hes not walking through the door.  Its so hard at times, you have to wonder how we get through it.  

It is so hard and you wonder if you will survive the pain and empty feeling.every thing that was his is now mine and it feels wrong.Even after changing the bedding my bed has his smell.If I can't handle the little things how can I do the big ones?jes I'm so sorry for your loss and know exactly how it feels.To open the door after work and it's quiet,to see his truck when I drive up and get that little smile only to remember.To be talking to someone and say"Charlie said"and start with the leaky eyes,the word BEREFT has a home in me.Hugs to you jes and bless all of us going through this even if right now I have a hard time believing in a God that could do this or watch my Charlie go through so much suffering.Big love to you

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[JES]

Billie Rae,   As time moves on I am starting to picture Kevin in healthier times, all I could picture was him sick for first months.  I was a caretaker for years, for him last year and a half but in my job also ( mentally handicapped adults).  We want to help everyone else and thats what makes us feel good,  I loved doing it.  If it helps you get through its ok and hopefully you will take alittle time for caretaking yourself also. Hugs

[Billie Rae]

Jes,I too am a caregiver I'm an in home nurse with the same family for 8 years.I was the lead in our marriage I was the one to fix everything and Charlie let my strong personality shine without any resentment.Now I seem to have lost that strength and can't even lead myself.I falter in my decisions and second guess everything.Where once I was proud and confident now I'm skittish.I don't even take steps without watching my feet.Lost my faith in the medical system because they made a lot of mistakes in his care and I told him but he thought they were all powerful.Charlie would have had a better quality of life for the last 3 months if he had not done the chemo.It made him helpless and so very sick.Now that's what I see in my mind my poor big guy surprised that he still didn't feel good every morning.83 lbs at 6 foot 3.

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[JES]

Billie Rae,  You are so new in your loss, I am over 4 months.  What you are feeling is normal for most of us on this journey, I felt everything, sadness, anger, guilt, bewilderment,insecurity, on and on. My heart and body literally hurt.  I too, questioned healthcare, doctors, why so many surgeries, could we have done things different.  Today I am alittle more at peace with that, not thats its a piece of cake yet..but I feel my grief is evolving.  I still talk to, and about him,  I still say " we" alot.  Its ok, we're not crazy.... I will be forever grateful to have had him in my life and good memories only get stronger as time goes on. As for watching your feet, thats good, you are being careful for yourself.  I had to put on ice cleats today to bring dogs out, so much ice even they were sliding. Who would take care of them if I slipped and broke something?  Thinking of you today , hoping your pain eases alittle, and......know that God does love you even if it doesnt feel like it right now. 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

As I've read other threads I see others learn to cope with this but I'm a caregiver through and through and don't know how not to be or to be one to myself?

I thought this might be of help...
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/10/in-grief-after-caregiving-ends-who-am-i.html

[Billie Rae]

Thank you Kayc,I read some of these and will have to learn to put them in use

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[Billie Rae]

Why does everything I used to do so easily with no help seem so difficult now?it all throws me into a panic or crying fit.Lighting the stove,getting the car out of the snow,opening a package.I never needed help before,why is it so hard now?I get frustrated and shaking and mad.I throw temper tantrums and give up.He didn't have to help me with anything why can't I do them now.I'm helpless and wasn't before.

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[JES]

Billie Rae.   I think its hard because your so new in your grief....your overwhelmed with everything at this point...I had that happen also and stiil do at times.  I found I would just try to do one thing, the most urgent at the time...too many things would just frustrate me.   Walk away, try to calm yourself or just cry, then go back to it in abit, tell yourself you are strong and can do it.  The anxiety was extreme for me in the beginning....it does start to settle down alittle as time goes on.  It may not hurt to get something from your dr. to help you. They understand what we go through.  All in all time seems to be our only friend. Also friends, family are so important.  You need someone to at least help you with your decisions, if only through a phone call, or just to vent.  Our bodies and minds let us down when we need them the most... jus my thoughts. Prayers for you...I feel your pain, and wish I could be there to physically help you get through..hugs

[Billie Rae]

Billie Rae.   I think its hard because your so new in your grief....your overwhelmed with everything at this point...I had that happen also and stiil do at times.  I found I would just try to do one thing, the most urgent at the time...too many things would just frustrate me.   Walk away, try to calm yourself or just cry, then go back to it in abit, tell yourself you are strong and can do it.  The anxiety was extreme for me in the beginning....it does start to settle down alittle as time goes on.  It may not hurt to get something from your dr. to help you. They understand what we go through.  All in all time seems to be our only friend. Also friends, family are so important.  You need someone to at least help you with your decisions, if only through a phone call, or just to vent.  Our bodies and minds let us down when we need them the most... jus my thoughts. Prayers for you...I feel your pain, and wish I could be there to physically help you get through..hugs

I try to walk away and find myself on the floor or kicking things.it isgood to know this should calm down,its so not like me.I am level headed and calm and smart.Now I'm a big ball of unthinking temper.Digging my car out yesterday I got cold and it was a bit iced on the snow and I got so frustrated I was kicking my car and yelling at it.then I went in the house and filled the sink for dishes and completely forgot until the water was cold and greasy that made me mad so I threw them away(got them out later after I calmed down)

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[SSC]

Its been 3 1/2 months and I still haven't driven his truck.  I've ran the engine twice.  the sensor on his tire says its low on air.  I don't even care.  I don't have the energy or desire to do anything that normally I wouldn't think twice about.  @Billie Rae I know exactly what you're talking about.  This isn't me at all.  I don't know who I am anymore.

Hugs to you all 

[Glolilly]

I can also relate to these long term rituals we had. I didn't want to touch his truck a year ago or drive pass his former job place or favorite restaurants but now I drive the truck every Saturday to keep it in running condition. I now eat at some of his favorite restaurants with a friend or my sister but not alone. I now sleep in the middle of the king sized bed. I now have my stuff all over the double vanity. I play the radio when I get up to have some noise. Going to work daily gives me a purpose. His spot in the house is now our spot. I pass pictures on the wall and pay them little attention compared to a year ago. I only cry now if I hit a trigger which is rare for me. I don't care for slow  sad songs anymore. But I still like romance movies. I smile and say to  myself I used to feel that. It's strange about the truck though that I sense he didn't want anyone to have it because with several inquiries, the battery and a flat happened almost at once and people lost interest. It runs like a Champ!

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

I try to walk away and find myself on the floor or kicking things.it isgood to know this should calm down,its so not like me.I am level headed and calm and smart.Now I'm a big ball of unthinking temper.Digging my car out yesterday I got cold and it was a bit iced on the snow and I got so frustrated I was kicking my car and yelling at it.then I went in the house and filled the sink for dishes and completely forgot until the water was cold and greasy that made me mad so I threw them away(got them out later after I calmed down)

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This is all so fresh it's no wonder you have a lot of emotion!  It's a lot to deal with and time does seem to be our friend because it takes much time to process our grief, to wrap our heads around this, let alone do any adjusting.  Try to be patient and understanding of yourself.  We literally need to learn to hold ourselves.

[foreverhis]

This got me to thinking about the day my husband looked at me and said, "You're going to have to drive from now on."  He had always been the driver, no matter which car we took.  I never felt disrespected or anything.  I always enjoyed being in the passenger seat.  If we were driving long distances, I'd take a turn, of course, because he wasn't stupid enough to think he could drive for hours and hours without a break.

I'm an excellent driver, but he was an even better one.  He took us on adventures around one-track, barely paved roads all over the country.  I never felt any fear with him at the wheel.  (Well, except the time we lost power driving curves downhill at night.  We both said quick "Help!" prayers.  He got some inspiration, did some quick thinking, and got the beast restarted.  I'll admit we were both breathing rather rapidly at that point.)

For him to realize he was unable to drive safely was extremely difficult.  It was like admitting defeat.  I told him that when he got better, he'd take over again.  He just shook his head and said, "I don't know."  When he mentioned it to his sister, she said, "It takes a very strong, smart man to be able admit something like that."

I had driven his convertible many times over the decades, but even with both our names on it, it was always his car, his "baby."  He took really good care of it and we have a really great mechanic.  I've barely taken it out since he died.  When I mentioned to our mechanic that I had decided to gift his car to our daughter, he said, "All right then.  You bring the car to me for a full checkup before she takes it home.  I'm a dad too.  We're going to make sure your girls are safe."

It's amazing the things that might seem small to others, those who haven't experienced what we all have, are so meaningful to us.

[JES]

@foreverhis     I feel deep, deep pain when I read this.  I don't think I' m able to share our story yet but just know I' m thinking of you. Jeanne

[foreverhis]

@JES  Thank you for your kind thoughts and sympathy.  You needn't ever worry about sharing anything you're not ready or don't want to share.  I'm sure you know that, but I guess I just wanted to remind you that everyone here understands.

It was a painful transition for both of us.  He enjoyed driving and having me by his side.  It's not like he equated manliness with driving, but it was an admission that his illness and all the stuff that went with it were "winning."

[Billie Rae]

Yes.the day my husband said"let's take your car I don't think I can drive"was one of many sad give ups that happened.Also the day he could not walk to the store with me and when he stopped being able to get enough energy to get dressed.All the little things that were big horrible steps in his decline.They were little things when he could do them but huge when he couldn't.

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[JES]

@foreverhis  I don't even know where to start. The year and a half before he passed were horrific.  All throughout he was expected to recover. He had had 2 back surgeries, his right leg was weak and still constant pain. He wasn't able to ride his bicycle anymore ( his #1 thing to do). He went out in his truck to my sons, when he came back, I knew something was wrong. He was choked up and said " I can't drive anymore, I'm not safe to myself or others.  I ran a stop sign, my leg wouldnt move to hit the brake". Thankfully he didn't hit anyone. He was devastated, cried, lost his confidence ( he was a good driver, snow plowed for years.)  He Wasn't himself after that.  He had minor heart attack, ambulance gave morphine and shot(?) for heart, hospital gave more morphine and sent him 2 hrs. to another hospital...they had to give narcan (?) our local hospital had o'd him.  He went thru at least 4 dehydrations and affected his brain, he didnt know what he was doing, no memory after of it happening. I found him wandering in back fenced yard in middle of night trying to find his bed, I had to watch him every second and he' d get angry and tell me to leave him alone. In and out of ER and sent to hospital 2 hrs. away or Madison 4 hrs. more surgeries, procedures,  I learned to drive in even small city ( a great feat for me)  I was scared to city drive,  he had always done major out of town driving.  I'd get home after driving 2 hrs. and he'd call and beg me to bring him home. I felt relief when he was in hospital as it gave me a break.  And they'd eventually send him home and something new always went wrong,  ER here always sent him away.  We tried Nursing home for 9 days,  he ended up dehydrated, memory loss again. They gave him too much insulin at night, blood sugars in the 30's every morning at 3-4 am, he fell, had huge black eye, cuts. Every day but one my phone would ring at 3 or 4am, hes on the floor again,  I'd go there and spend entire day just to assure he was safe...do their job for them....another day 4am..phone call, hes packing his clothes and trying to run away.. I'm on my way...escape bracelet put on,  he' d beg me to take him home.  His wedding ring slid off his finger one day, he was getting so skinny,  found on floor finally after frantic search,  no one would listen, cut back on the insulin, last day there Nursing home called ambulance early am, couldnt get blood sugar reading, and he was almost comatose, ambulance gave sugar, got it back up. ER again to stabalize and sent out by airfight to Madison for 3 wks. , infection in bone where 2 toes had already been amputated, now all toes amputated and part of foot, home again, constant pain, he was crabby and I'm ashamed to say I bit right back...   fell on floor numerous times as he was weak and I wouldnt catch him getting up, then stomach pain, couldnt eat, begged me to let him stay home, his physical therapist convinced him to go to hospital.  I think he knew and wanted to die at home.  I still have regrets over that. He ended up dying of gangrenous gallbladder.   The only comfort I got at the end, after him staring unblinking for hrs. was that my daughterinlaw told him, don't worry, we' ll take good care of Jeanne, and I told him it was ok to go,      I will see you again in heaven, and he smiled, closed his eyes, and took one last breath and was gone.  We were amazed.... how did he smile and be able to close those unblinking eyes?  Did he see the light? I fully believe he did.  Sorry such a long post.

[JES]

I had tried to block all these bad memories out but last night they came back in full force.  Didnt sleep well, my mind was processing it all night.  Poor guy, he never got a break.  I can fully understand why he was so crabby, and forgive myself for not always being patient...we did the best we could under the circumstances.

[foreverhis]

Oh, JES, I'm so sorry this all came back to you like that.  The fact that it may have been because we were all talking about driving makes me feel somewhat guilty.  Not that I could have known, of course, but even inadvertently bringing up such painful memories...  Well, I apologize for that.  I'm shedding tears for you, for your love, and for me and mine.  No one who hasn't been there can possibly fathom the lasting emotional pain.  No one.

We have more memories in common than you might realize.  When my husband's cancer started causing UTIs and electrolyte imbalance, on top of some chemo and post-anesthesia brain, he started having memory loss, plus intermittent confusion and delirium.  Even when he was at home, I'd have to remind him what the schedule was for the day (PT or a nurse's visit or we were going to do something specific) because his brain and body were so overwhelmed by everything.  His nurse had me get a small white board so he could see it when he woke up.  I would write the basics, keeping it simple, so that his brain could settle in for the day and focus.  But then after a couple of weeks and then later after only a few days, he'd get another infection or imbalance or both and I'd have to call the EMTs to take him to the hospital.

On some of the nights I was sleeping at home, rather than the hospital, I'd get that middle of the night call from him or from his nurses that he needed me there.  He'd tell me to take him home.  He'd think people were hurting him.  He'd ask for money for a taxi or call his sister to help him.  And then he'd come out of it and not remember most of what happened.  He was so ashamed, as if it was his fault.  We had to remind him that it wasn't and that it's incredibly common.  But no one ever talks about it; no one warns you this can and probably will happen.  I'd never even heard of hospital-induced delirium until the first middle of the night phone call.  His doctors told me that him not remembering those times was normal--and I'm glad for that.  I didn't want him to remember the times he had been so unlike himself.  But those memories will never leave me because it was so very hard to see my strong, kind, loving man be confused and afraid.  And yet, our society never talks about this.  Not just because the memories are so incredibly painful for those who have been there, but because society somehow sees cognitive conditions--physical responses--as a weakness.  It makes me so angry.

I was with my love when he took him last breath.  I believe he heard me tell him it was okay to go, that we didn't want him to hurt anymore, and that I would love him forever.  He was on comfort care and so was pretty out of it.  He had been supposed to go home that morning on hospice, but his body just couldn't do it.  We had a huge private room and quiet care from his favorite nurses and CNAs.  They all loved him because he was the kind of man who, even when he was so ill, tried to be kind and was funny and just made you want to smile.  The parade of women asking to come in to say goodbye was stunning.

I empathize with you so very much.  In this case, I think it's safe for me to say I know some of how you feel.  I hope you are able to bring back better memories, good and happy ones, and that you sleep better tonight.  I'm sending you big hugs and love.

[Billie Rae]

Ah jes the agony for you both.My Charlie also begged to come home but I didn't have enough drugs for his comfort.I'm so sorry.The snapping and grouchy that you went through I know.just know it wasn't the real him.It was fear,and frustration because the body is letting them down and also anger because they want to stay with us.I also said some unkind things,when he said he would miss me I snapped"no you won't,you'll be dead!"but that was exhaustion and frustration that nothing I did made him Better.People here tell me one day we will not just see the sick time and I hope that's true.We should not have to carry the memories of"when things went wrong"in the forefront because that was only a small percentage of our life together.Hugs and peace My friends.Billie Rae

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[JES]

@BillieRae @foreverhis  Thankyou so much for your kind words and sharing what you went through. No apologies necessary. I needed to process it,  I had blocked most of it out, not good for my recovery....  it helped me get rid of the anger at nursing home, our ER who kept sending him away, even tho to better hospital.  I have to wonder if some of his memory issues were hospital delirium, no one ever told me.  Even after he' d be hydrated at hospital it would take days for him to act half way normal, and he would tell me people were out to get him or talking about him outside his room. At one point he said he was in a bicycle but wondered how he could do it with only part of a foot.  Dead serious, he asked his physical therapist if he had seen his name in the paper for the bike race. Some things were too funny not to chuckle ( I'm the goofy one, couldnt help it). I still smile now as I write it.  Also glad he didnt remember those days as sometimes he said some embarrassing things he wouldn't normally say.  I had gotten past angry words as I knew he had forgiven me already. I had apologized, as did he each and every time....yes there were afew.  We both knew we were just scared and didn't mean it.   I had promised him last time in hospital that I would take him home for sure that friday or saturday, I couldnt do it as they were going to try a procedure to drain gallbladder. I asked him if he was mad at me and he said (Jeanne, I could never be mad at you)  his 2nd to last words, yell actually, was " NO" to his kids coming to see him, last words,  I had to hold and turn his face to me and tell him that I'm coming back in morning and that I love'd him, and he said "I love you too."  I should've stayed but his vitals were good,  he was doing ok. I drove 2hrs. home and got called back within afew hours. I am so thankful I made it in time.  How sad our big strong men went through this, and how sad what we went through also.  Love and prayers. Jeanne

[JES]

@BillieRae @foreverhis  Thankyou so much for your kind words and sharing what you went through. No apologies necessary. I needed to process it,  I had blocked most of it out, not good for my recovery....  it helped me get rid of the anger at nursing home, our ER who kept sending him away, even tho to better hospital.  I have to wonder if some of his memory issues were hospital delirium, no one ever told me.  Even after he' d be hydrated at hospital it would take days for him to act half way normal, and he would tell me people were out to get him or talking about him outside his room. At one point he said he was in a bicycle but wondered how he could do it with only part of a foot.  Dead serious, he asked his physical therapist if he had seen his name in the paper for the bike race. Some things were too funny not to chuckle ( I'm the goofy one, couldnt help it). I still smile now as I write it.  Also glad he didnt remember those days as sometimes he said some embarrassing things he wouldn't normally say.  I had gotten past angry words as I knew he had forgiven me already. I had apologized, as did he each and every time....yes there were afew.  We both knew we were just scared and didn't mean it.   I had promised him last time in hospital that I would take him home for sure that friday or saturday, I couldnt do it as they were going to try a procedure to drain gallbladder. I asked him if he was mad at me and he said (Jeanne, I could never be mad at you)  his 2nd to last words, yell actually, was " NO" to his kids coming to see him, last words,  I had to hold and turn his face to me and tell him that I'm coming back in morning and that I love'd him, and he said "I love you too."  I should've stayed but his vitals were good,  he was doing ok. I drove 2hrs. home and got called back within afew hours. I am so thankful I made it in time.  How sad our big strong men went through this, and how sad what we went through also.  Love and prayers. Jeanne

[JES]

Whoops I just reposted same post again. I just wanted to say I'm glad I got that all out, Im actually remembering some other little  things, when Kevin was on floor at 3- 4 am in nursing home, he' d refuse to get back in bed. He'd tell them " its my right to sit on the floor". Thats when they called me.  Another time they had him sitting at table in dining room with 3 little old ladies coloring. He saw me and said " get me the blank out of here."  He really gave the staff there a run for their money. My big tough sassy guy..........too bad he didn't remember it.

[KayC]

Wow, you have both been through so much...I am glad you were able to get it out here.  Our situation was very different than yours, I thought he was healthy, not knowing he had heart problems the last six months (untreated)...he'd complained to the doctor of symptoms and the doctor did nothing.  He actually had a very damaging heart attack six months to the day, before his life ended, but we'd thought he'd gone out from his diabetes, we were puzzled by that, it totaled his new car.  The Friday before he died, I had left to my sister's reunion, he was home sick (also heart but we didn't know), he drove himself to the doctor while having a heart attack after I left!  The doctor gave him Nitroglycerin and sent him by ambulance to the hospital, 50 miles away.  He wouldn't let the doctor call me, "didn't want to ruin my weekend"!  A friend called me that night and told me, my sister wouldn't drive me to the hospital, I was 4 1/2 hours away from home.  I had to wait until Sunday to see him because she "wanted to stay and gamble", something I had a hard time forgiving her for.  I know she has an addiction, but geez!  George told me by phone that he'd be in testing all day and wouldn't be able to see me anyway, still I wanted to be with him.  That night (Saturday) he told me "I would have walked around the world on broken glass to be with you".  I didn't know what to do, what to say, I just softly replied, "I know you would, George."  It's the one and only time he ever said something harsh to me.  He was facing the end of his life and I think he knew it, they'd just come back with his test results, he was in pain, I think he knew he'd never make it through surgery.  I got there Sunday, people were there, we never got that "last talk", they moved him to ICU, when they let me back in, he was asleep.  I was holding his hand, rubbing him, he woke up, freezing, I ran for the nurses, they threw a sheet on him, that didn't help.  His blood pressure was low, I told them about it.  It didn't seem like they were keeping an eye on him very well.  He woke up having a heart attack, I ran for the nurse station again, they all came running, his eyes as big as saucers, he was in acute distress!  I told him to hang on, he shook his head no, I told him again, frantically, he shook his head no again, that was when the nurse threw me off the ward and locked the door behind me.  I cried out, "I'm his little one!"  They wouldn't have even known he was having a heart attack if I hadn't come and got them.  I found a little room and was praying for him, how much time passed, an hour?  I saw the four doctors coming towards me, they didn't have to say a word, I knew.  I thought, this is what a serviceman's wife must feel like when they come to her door.

Those things are indelibly etched in our brains.  I wish with all my heart that George had let the doctor call me before I left town so I could have been with him at the hospital that weekend.  I wish my sister would have brought me to the hospital Friday night when we found out.  I wish the nurse hadn't thrown me out.  None of these things could I control.  But I feel bad anyway.  I wish I could have been by his side when he was preparing to meet his maker.  But maybe it's something he needed to do alone.  We'd always been there for each other, so why at the end did it go the way it did?!  Father's Day 2005 the world lost the sweetest most caring man.  My big guy.

I didn't go through all the things you guys did, I would have loved to have been able to have the chance to be his caregiver...had he lived.  He was facing life never being the same, being disabled, I knew he hated that and would not have liked that label.  He'd always prided himself in working, "being a man", I tried to soften it a bit with telling him he could go fishing with his buddy.  He was quiet then, thinking well maybe that part wouldn't be so bad...

I was utterly and completely in shock.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd lose him at 51.  His birthday banner was still up, having had his birthday just five days before.  How can this be?  He never even got to retire.  Just two weeks prior to his death he orchestrated his friend's move, lifting their refrigerator, etc.  How did he do that?  We went on a hike the week before, he was struggling just as we were nearing the top.  Thank God he didn't have a heart attack then!  

How can any of this be?  For you guys, for me, how?

[Billie Rae]

Kayc we all had different experiences,but the same outcome,we lost our love,ourselves.I know my Charlie didn't want to be in the hospital but we were under comfort care and I couldn't make him comfortable.I ran for the nurse every time he was in distress but they said"comfort only you both signed the papers"so just more pain meds.I don't know,either way,if I would have woken up next to his dead body I think my mind would have shattered.So did I do the right thing or not,I will never know but I do know I said I love you apon wakeing,when I left the house and at bedtime.I also showed him my love by my care everyday and he knew it because he told me many times,thank you for loving me.But again,the outcome is the same,devastation.Love to you and peace be ours

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[Billie Rae]

And I do have some things to be grateful for,When Charlie was in his delirium he was carpentering,something he did for 40 years and loved to do.He was hammering and measuring and talking to his crew,so I know his last was spent doing what he loved.But as with both of you we had so many medical mistakes,in 2017 his doctor would not give him the vein tests so he ended up Christmas of 17 in the hospital to get a stent in full heart failure.Then in February of 18 he started losing his appitite and had gas and stomach pain,his cardiologist said it was acid.Three months and 60 lbs later we finally got a referral to the gastroenterologist and they wanted an endoscopy but cardiologist wouldn't take him off his blood thinner so no go.Finally we were again at the e.r and they did a catscan and there it was.After that there was a lot more errors,but I know even without them he would have died,but his quality of life would have been so much better.Now I don't trust the medical community and have a lot of resentment.I wish,I should have,why didn't I....if only.these are my constant companions. Well now to prepare for Seattle's big snow storm.ugh,more time in my head. Love and hugs

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[JES]

@KayC  I am so, so sorry what you had to go through and I can see it still pains you.  He was so young.  He knew you loved him, he knew the loving, caring you.  I think we would all change some things if we could.  Kevin always expected a massive heart attack like his father and to be gone quick.  He always said, thats the way I want to go.  Unfortunately it didnt happen that way. I dont know if I couldve chosen for him, what I would've done. Would I have wanted quick and fast or chosen to have him suffer so much because I couldn't let go.  Im glad I didnt have to make the choice. Either way, they are gone and we have an empty place in our heart. I hold out hope for eternity and seeing him again. Prayers

[KayC]

What makes me sick is his father who was a mean old xxxxx  outlived him by years!  Nothing fair about any of this.  I don't see it as God's doing it, I just think it's luck of the draw, genes, maybe one too many cheeseburgers, who knows, I only know life/death...there's nothing fair about it and it has nothing to do with how good a person is.

Thank you for your comments, it means a lot to me.

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

When Charlie was in his delirium he was carpentering,something he did for 40 years and loved to do.He was hammering and measuring and talking to his crew,so I know his last was spent doing what he loved.

One time in the hospital my husband was waving his arms in a pattern.  He was conscious, not in a delirium, but not fully awake.  I looked at him and said, "Honey, are you conducting in your head?"  He opened his eyes, smiled a little, and said yes.  I think when we're in such dire times that our minds try to take us to what we might call "happy places."  I said, "That's good.  Is it something you love?"  He nodded and kept conducting.

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

What makes me sick is his father who was a mean old xxxxx  outlived him by years! 

Oh my goodness.  My husband's father was also an SOB who lived into his 90s.  I've been angry about that for months, even though I know it's probably not healthy for me. But I don't care:  It's just not fair or right.