Three "R"s of Grief

[BetsyD]

I have reached the point in my grieving process where I am studying a new set of “R”s…no longer “Reading, ‘Riting and ‘Rithmatic” (I have long mastered those), but, rather, Regrets, Re-enactment and Resentment. These don’t hit all the time, they don’t invade other thoughts or memories, but they are, nonetheless, present in my mind sometimes in a kind of tsunami wave of grief and tears.

So, what do I mean? Those of you who have suffered the kind of profound loss and tragic sadness as I have will understand. They are really pretty simple:

Regrets: that I didn’t see things earlier about his health (although intellectually I know that no one, not even doctors apparently, could tell he was sick). That I didn’t tell him things I wanted to. That we weren’t able to go on trips and adventures that we had planned but put off for one reason or another. That he isn’t here to see his grandson smile and grow.

Re-enactments: there are days I simply cannot envision him alive and smiling but, rather, can only picture him lifeless on a slab in the funeral home. I think part of that is the funeral home’s fault, frankly – after they took my beloved Tom out of our home, they knew that he was to be cremated (his wishes). When I told them I wanted to see him before they took him away, they just left him on a steel surgical kind of table (embalming table perhaps?) in in a cold, lab-type room, didn’t fix his hair, allowed his eyes to be opened still and…told me and his two best friends to go on in to say goodbye. I nearly fell to my knees in shock – his friends had to help me out of the room. That was the image of my beloved Tom that has lingered in my mind. I can only hope that diminishes over time. For damned sure I am so glad and blessed that our children didn’t come with me.

Resentment: I look at so many other couples, many much older than I, and wonder why. Why Tom? Why me? Why us? Intellectually I know that there are plenty of people way younger than I who have suffered this kind of loss. Intellectually I know that I was blessed to be with the love of my life for 40 years. Intellectually, intellectually, intellectually. But emotionally I resent seeing those couples holding hands, exchanging loving glances, strolling arm in arm, posting pictures of vacations or vow renewals or 50^th anniversary parties. I resent them. I am happy for them. I try not to be selfish but the tsunami wave of grief sometimes just gives me that “why me and why not them” jolt of envy.

 

I am trying in more calm moments to continue processing a new set of “R”s – Revision, Renewal and Remembrance.

Revision – of my life to be alone, but still worth living. 

Renewal- of some old interests and friendships. I have already joined a new choral group...but will find it hard to not see him in the audience. I know he will be with me in my heart.

And, above all,Remembrance – of the good times, not just the tragic times; of the good memories, not those that just surrounded his death; of what he stood for and the faith he had in me to carry on. I have always been my own person, even during those 40 years of devotion and togetherness. He was the most proud of that – I have to remember that as well. And since I can envision, I hope, the more positive “R”s as becoming stronger and more prevalent, then I think he would be proud of me…as I can be proud of myself for accomplishing them.

[Billie Rae]

I have reached the point in my grieving process where I am studying a new set of “R”s…no longer “Reading, ‘Riting and ‘Rithmatic” (I have long mastered those), but, rather, Regrets, Re-enactment and Resentment. These don’t hit all the time, they don’t invade other thoughts or memories, but they are, nonetheless, present in my mind sometimes in a kind of tsunami wave of grief and tears.
So, what do I mean? Those of you who have suffered the kind of profound loss and tragic sadness as I have will understand. They are really pretty simple:
Regrets: that I didn’t see things earlier about his health (although intellectually I know that no one, not even doctors apparently, could tell he was sick). That I didn’t tell him things I wanted to. That we weren’t able to go on trips and adventures that we had planned but put off for one reason or another. That he isn’t here to see his grandson smile and grow.
Re-enactments: there are days I simply cannot envision him alive and smiling but, rather, can only picture him lifeless on a slab in the funeral home. I think part of that is the funeral home’s fault, frankly – after they took my beloved Tom out of our home, they knew that he was to be cremated (his wishes). When I told them I wanted to see him before they took him away, they just left him on a steel surgical kind of table (embalming table perhaps?) in in a cold, lab-type room, didn’t fix his hair, allowed his eyes to be opened still and…told me and his two best friends to go on in to say goodbye. I nearly fell to my knees in shock – his friends had to help me out of the room. That was the image of my beloved Tom that has lingered in my mind. I can only hope that diminishes over time. For damned sure I am so glad and blessed that our children didn’t come with me.
Resentment: I look at so many other couples, many much older than I, and wonder why. Why Tom? Why me? Why us? Intellectually I know that there are plenty of people way younger than I who have suffered this kind of loss. Intellectually I know that I was blessed to be with the love of my life for 40 years. Intellectually, intellectually, intellectually. But emotionally I resent seeing those couples holding hands, exchanging loving glances, strolling arm in arm, posting pictures of vacations or vow renewals or 50^th anniversary parties. I resent them. I am happy for them. I try not to be selfish but the tsunami wave of grief sometimes just gives me that “why me and why not them” jolt of envy.
 
I am trying in more calm moments to continue processing a new set of “R”s – Revision, Renewal and Remembrance.
Revision – of my life to be alone, but still worth living. 
Renewal- of some old interests and friendships. I have already joined a new choral group...but will find it hard to not see him in the audience. I know he will be with me in my heart.
And, above all,Remembrance – of the good times, not just the tragic times; of the good memories, not those that just surrounded his death; of what he stood for and the faith he had in me to carry on. I have always been my own person, even during those 40 years of devotion and togetherness. He was the most proud of that – I have to remember that as well. And since I can envision, I hope, the more positive “R”s as becoming stronger and more prevalent, then I think he would be proud of me…as I can be proud of myself for accomplishing them.

I to have the memory of Charlie's illness and his face in death in my mind.He suffered from his first and only chemo.He said once he was so scared to die and didn't want to leave me.His last 3 days were torture for him He knew on that Monday when I put him in the ambulance that he wouldn't come home again even if I thought he would.That first night he went to a place I couldn't reach and started doing carpenter work.He loved being a carpenter.The last time I saw him alive blood was coming out of his mouth.Now to learn your last 3 rs

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[Sunflower2]

7 hours ago, BetsyD said:

I am trying in more calm moments to continue processing a new set of “R”s – Revision, Renewal and Remembrance.

Revision – of my life to be alone, but still worth living. 

Renewal- of some old interests and friendships. I have already joined a new choral group...but will find it hard to not see him in the audience. I know he will be with me in my heart.

And, above all,Remembrance – of the good times, not just the tragic times; of the good memories, not those that just surrounded his death; of what he stood for and the faith he had in me to carry on. I have always been my own person, even during those 40 years of devotion and togetherness. He was the most proud of that – I have to remember that as well. And since I can envision, I hope, the more positive “R”s as becoming stronger and more prevalent, then I think he would be proud of me…as I can be proud of myself for accomplishing them.

very inspiring and thought provoking.  Refreshing! Re-kindling of spirit! I thank you!  

[Michelene]

thank you for posting this, i have been in a cycle of the three Rs and wondering why now? why am i revisiting all this? 

[Glolilly]

Regrets- I don't believe I told him what I wanted either but then again, he probably wouldn't have thought of everything to say to me. He and I knew we loved each other but we all want full closure but we may have to just carry it in pieces. 

Re-enactments- Yes, for me I also remember the last scenes more than the good ones for now but it is starting to fade in daily flashes. I am sorry the funeral home was not thoughtful. I believe if we stare at something  hard enough or over and over for a period of time it is saved in the mind. It may get fuzzy and last shorter as months pass by.  I used to play the last short video of him over and over on a YouTube school class recording when he was teaching. It kept me looking back too much so I stopped.

 

Resentments- Yes, that's a big one for me. I still believe that it should have been someone else but not me because I did everything perfectly. But ....bad does not always happen to the bad. Bad happens to good and that I must accept as part of life. Unfair life. Good and bad is part of life I tell my children just like playing monopoly. Rolling the dice.

Revision- I pray to be happy with the life I have left.  I want love again but believe I can survive alone. I try not to look too far ahead. 

Renewal- Thank God I do have a few friends. 3-5 friends is good enough for me plus I have my two sons at home . Sometimes I just want to be alone to still absorb this new life. It's a lot to take in.

Remembrance- That is another hard one for me. It has to be occasional and spontaneous when I have the energy. I still tell myself I am blessed to have had 25 years but it is difficult to see that it is final.  I wear my rings women at the grocery don't feel threatened and so I feel loved.

[Billie Rae]

Ah,Golily,revision yes some day I hope to love again and without fear but also will be good alone.I think in this horrible process we learn to love ourselves by ourselves and that will make our next relationships different,if it be friendship or love.We are learning what really matters so we are different yet the same.We will seek out people who are kind to us and respectful of our needs.We will live each day differently because after all we have been through the worst thing that people can imagine already.We must not only grieve loss of our loved ones but loss of our old self and learn to live with this new person that is us.Love and peace to us all.Billie Rae

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[JES]

@Billie Rae  You've just said it all, and what a nice way to say it.  Hugs

[BetsyD]

On 2/3/2019 at 12:04 PM, BetsyD said:

there are days I simply cannot envision him alive and smiling but, rather, can only picture him lifeless on a slab in the funeral home. I think part of that is the funeral home’s fault, frankly – after they took my beloved Tom out of our home, they knew that he was to be cremated (his wishes). When I told them I wanted to see him before they took him away, they just left him on a steel surgical kind of table (embalming table perhaps?) in in a cold, lab-type room, didn’t fix his hair, allowed his eyes to be opened still and…told me and his two best friends to go on in to say goodbye. I nearly fell to my knees in shock – his friends had to help me out of the room. That was the image of my beloved Tom that has lingered in my mind. I can only hope that diminishes over time. For damned sure I am so glad and blessed that our children didn’t come with me.

I wanted to share with you what the facilitator of the grief support group told me about this...if any of you are experiencing the same kind of thing, I hope it helps you as much as it helps me. She explained that there was a difference between trauma and grief. That what I experienced at the funeral home was trauma...and my visions are more a kind of PTSD than they are part of my grief. She gave me some mental tricks to try to get over the trauma, like mentally closing his eyes when I see the image of them open...Of smoothing his hair. I find that as hard as those exercises are to accomplish, they are working...together with looking at pictures of him smiling and hugging the family.

Just thought I would share. 

Hugs to all, Betsy

[JES]

@BetsyD   I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved Tom. Also that you had to go through that Trauma.  It upsets me to think that the funeral home wouldn't of thought of that and let you spend some time with him at his best under the circumstances. What ever happened to dignity and respect?   Same happened to us with Kevins mom at an assisted living home. They knew we were coming and shouldve prepared her. When we went in her room, she was half uncovered, diaper on, leg hanging off edge of bed, eyes open and false teeth hanging down.  She would've been humiliated, she had her mind yet, and was very proud of how she looked.  We were shocked to say the least. Kevin gently put her leg up, covered her, closed her eyes and pushed her teeth back up.  I think it made him feel better to help mom keep her dignity.  I am glad you have a good grief group to help you overcome this.  I am always seeing myself kissing and stroking Kevins bald head, which I did do, before and after he passed.  I can actually still feel him when I do this. Thankyou for sharing this and thinking of others in your own grief.  Hugs and love.