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If they could post...


John/Wendy

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It’s been almost three months now. We were thrown on this roller coaster I was unaware we signed up for. Life, marriage, family, cancer, death.... and now I have no idea what. Eternity or any time away from my wife is unbearable. I have read several threads and inspiring words of dealing with grief and heart wrenching stories of love and perseverance on this site. I know my journey is uniquely my own, but I still wanted to share my choice in dealing with my Loves passing. My mind has decided she’s not “gone”. Probably from her telling me “I’m not going anywhere” throughout her battle the past year. So, I’ve decided to honor her frequent statement. I refuse to let her go. As unhealthy or denial based that might seem.., it is my legacy of love I will live with from here on out. I base this decision on what I need to survive and truly believe. I feel her with every breeze that brushes my face when I walk in the park. I hear her with every laugh of our Grandchildren and daughters. I see her everywhere I look in our home and places we built our lives. I don’t want to move on or learn to deal with her physically not being in my life. She’s still here!!! I know it!!! If I’m crazy... so be it. Ghost, spirit, presence what ever. I’m never letting go. So to honor her and all of us dealing with this I want to start a new thread. If my love could post on this site... if she could post how all of this is affecting her or how she could offer help and healing to all of us. I offer this post from her. Please add to this post with what your Loves would want all of us to hear or you to hear if you would like.

My Love... I’m still with you. I know you are hurting and adjusting as am I. Please learn to find joy in your life while we are physically apart. Our kids need you!! They need a Happy Grandpa!! Take care of yourself!! You are “Not” doing that now!! Please keep trying and following though with your promise to watch over them and yourself. I’m with you always and we will be together soon enough. We will both cry and miss each other physically but please know I’m here. I can’t wait until we are together again. But until then, please Live!!! I love you. Your “Little Angel”.

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Moment2moment

1542515099719.jpg.3b195bf0857afbbec154a3daca15468e.jpgWow! Awesome and you know I frame my new version of life without my partner being physically present the same way. I have had several signs of her presence over the last nine months and I knew within minutes of her passing over that she was at peace and was totally free of suffering.

She came to me in the form of the most overwhelming fragrance of lilies. It filled the house and my heart lifted in pure joy and happiness for her in that realization that she was telling me that she was free.

I laughed and shouted out thanks to God. She was now not suffering, she was walking, running, full of happiness and totally at peace.

I felt that, knew that, and it was a gift from her for me to know that without a doubt in the minutes after her spirit left her body.

It was such a powerful awareness that I gave myself a new spiritual name: Lily.

Someone shared this on here and it is what I hear her saying to me in the above posting. It gives me comfort and chills all at the same time.

 

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Beautiful. I’m sure they feel as much or more than we do. We are at the disadvantage though. They see forever and death for what it is. We are the ones that have to feel, see, smell, etc.  and accept thier new way of connecting to us.

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@John/Wendy  I offer this post from her. Please add to this post with what your Loves would want all of us to hear or you to hear if you would like.

Glolilly, I see what is going on and I am proud of how you and my sons are moving forward without my physical presence. You need to overlook people who moved on and don't concentrate on how people have changed. You know I loved you and the boys and left my instructions that if something happened to me that "you all know what to do" ( keep on keeping on in the faith, your hopes and dreams)! Don't let nothing stop you from obtaining what you desire to obtain. I pray your desires return that you once had plus more. Stop looking for me because I am at ease and in a heavenly peace that you all will soon experience. Mama (wife), you can make it, my sons can make it. The Lord took me earlier than what I had expected but he is not punishing you and the boys. All you have read or heard will never be understood fully that side of life. Trust me, you can still be happy for yourself with some time.  My spirit is with you in your hearts. Talk out loud to me or to God and never forget to pray daily. Help and love is always near. Love daddy (husband )

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This is something we talked about before he died (even though we had absolutely no idea his life would be cut short), but we neither one had any idea what this would be like.  We thought the one left would likely go crazy, and I think in that first year or two perhaps I did.  If George were the one left behind, I've no doubt he'd be here posting, he was an articulate writer with the ability to really connect with people.

What he would tell me...that he is not gone, that he lives on, that he is okay, that he sees me and loves me still, always.  That he is proud of me.  That we'll be together again.

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20 hours ago, John/Wendy said:

My Love... I’m still with you. I know you are hurting and adjusting as am I. Please learn to find joy in your life while we are physically apart.

I can't begin to tell you how these words meant so much to me. Thank You!!! 

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Kevin would be saying : Smile, I love you, kiss the pups for me, and know I will be waiting to be with you again someday.

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10 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

My Charlie would text me.He would say"what's up honey.see ya later".He so loved to text

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app
 

Welcome, I'm glad you've found this site.  It really helps to have someplace to post and know you're heard and someone gets it.  I wrote this article based on what I've found that has helped me and I hope something in it is of help to you either now or somewhere down the road.  When you're ready, perhaps you can start a new thread and tell us a bit of your story.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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The last voicemail I got from Tom was "Goodnight, sweetie, talk to you in the morning". I listen to that often.

He would also tell me exactly what you posted...that he is counting on me to be there for our children, to be sure our little grandson grows up happy and smiling and knowing that Tom loved him, even if he only was with him for less than two weeks. He told me before he died that "Baby, I have the easy part - I just have to close my eyes...you have the hard part. You have to go on. You have to take care of everything, the pups, the cats, the kids and grandbaby and yourself. I know you can do it. You are stronger than you think. You have always called me the wind beneath your wings. But, Betsy, you are MY wind..my strength and I love you more than you can possible imagine. I am so so sorry"

Everyone on this board is going through this in his or her own way...but regardless, we are together and there for one another. And, somehow, I don't know how sometimes, we will survive this. They wanted us to.

 

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I wish my wife would have talked to me about her eminent passing and her wishes for me. But she was focused on beating cancer. We were married long enough to know each other’s deepest thoughts.So, like all of us... l can now speak for and know her wishes and dreams for those she left behind. That’s why I started this thread. We all know, weather  they spoke or were taken without conveying or to quickly what they want for us and thier loved ones to know. We are thier voice. We just need to listen and believe in what they believe. They believe and trust in us to pass on their love, trust and hope for all of us! Love and healing to all.

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16 minutes ago, John/Wendy said:

We were married long enough to know each other’s deepest thoughts.

Exactly my point as well...so, for example, although I feel like I am parenting alone, sometimes before I react to one of my children I pause and compose my thoughts to represent BOTH of us for advice.  There were so many times from the very first time Tom and I met each other that were were able to finish each other's sentences or, even know in complete silence what the other would say. That is the bond of having a true soulmate, @John/Wendy and as hard as it is to go on without them, we were truly blessed to have found them in the first place.

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