Members ModKatB Posted January 30, 2019 Members Report Posted January 30, 2019 Jan 10th 2018 was when we found out my husband had cancer and on Feb 9th 2018 is the day he passed away. I have been doing okay and have been able to enjoy a few things that I like to do but it seems like now I have gone back to the early days when I could not put one foot in front of the other. The panic attacks are back and I am crying more and more each day. I guess I knew it was going to happen but had hoped it would not be so hard and I did not want to go back to those dark days. God grant me the strength I need to continue this journey and help me to find the joy in life again.
Members Moment2moment Posted January 30, 2019 Members Report Posted January 30, 2019 I get that totally! I am rolling through various "anniversaries" related to hospice care from January to May last year with her death on May 6th. I am terrified I will lose it totally. I have panic attacks too! What I do is call a friend and vent and then get my mind on something to distract my mind away from constant review and ruminating on the events and emotions around the memories. Things I do to cope are talk out loud to her, watch a movie, read a book, clean around the house, take a walk with my dog, get out to a store and browse or shop, go to the library, work a puzzle, play games on video, anything to get busy until the panic passes. Some days I have the irrational sense that I too am going to die. Just drop dead. Like you say, there is no where to run to, no where to hide. Terrifying. I am in panic mode right now. I am in the midwest and we have 30 below temps outside now and the world around me has come to a standstill. It is freaking me out. I have lost work money and am struggling to pay basic bills. I have a job offer to start next week but everything is on hold due to the weather. Blah blah blah. Extreme anxiety and panic and chest pains. I am a person of deep faith but sometimes I collapse in feelings of terror just like you say. I pray out loud a lot and see a grief counselor, but the techniques I shared help me the most. I will pray for you to calm down and find peace inside to cope and get through. The pain we go through, no one gets it. I never imagined what it would be like to live like we do in our grief. Hang in there and hold on tight to a pet or a pillow or a bowl of popcorn and a movie. Whatever it takes! Be strong, know you are loved and understood here. Love and peace, Lily
Members LeannC45 Posted January 30, 2019 Members Report Posted January 30, 2019 57 minutes ago, KatB said: Jan 10th 2018 was when we found out my husband had cancer and on Feb 9th 2018 is the day he passed away. I have been doing okay and have been able to enjoy a few things that I like to do but it seems like now I have gone back to the early days when I could not put one foot in front of the other. The panic attacks are back and I am crying more and more each day. I guess I knew it was going to happen but had hoped it would not be so hard and I did not want to go back to those dark days. God grant me the strength I need to continue this journey and help me to find the joy in life again. You are not alone. I have suffered from panic attacks and anxiety since my husband passed away. I find that I worry sometimes uncontrollably about my son. He works at night and sometimes my fear that something bad will happen to him sends me into panic attacks. I find myself gasping for air, never quite getting a deep enough breath. My mind starts to think about a thousand bad scenarios one after the other. It is very hard to back myself down once I get going. At work there have been times I barely get any work done because I am consumed with negative emotions. It is so hard I rely on my faith, prayer, journaling, exercise and definitely reaching out to friends/family when I need to talk. I was going to therapy but I thought after going for a year I was ready to move forward on my own. Still not sure if I was really ready. I wish you strength, love and support on your journey.
Moderators KayC Posted January 30, 2019 Moderators Report Posted January 30, 2019 Panic attacks can hit at any time but they seem to find me most when I am not staying in this present day and for some reason, the middle of the night. I hate them! My heart goes out to you as you're experiencing this. As Moment2Moment expressed, as we anticipate anniversaries, it can bring it on as well. Often anticipation of the anv. of death can seem worse than the actual day itself. I hope these are of help:https://whatsyourgrief.com/dealing-with-the-anniversary-of-a-loved-ones-death/https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/05/coping-with-anniversary-reactions-in.htmlhttp://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/06/in-grief-dreading-anniversary-date-of.htmlhttps://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/07/anxiety-attacks-in-grief-tools-for.html As you approach the anv. of death, I want you to give yourself a badge of courage...you have earned it! You have made it through a year of "firsts without", and that is quite a feat! I honestly felt someone should have handed me a trophy as I reached that one year mark! To have done what we didn't think possible! Look back to a year ago, the fear, shock, intensity...see how far you've come (excluding today's anxiety) in your journey. It's good to celebrate our victories and triumphs. Even just being able to go places on our own is something we should congratulate ourselves for, for I remember in the beginning how hard it was to do that. We are here for you...in these next few days I hope you will be able to express yourself, your thoughts and feelings, we will be here listening to you as you do. (((hugs)))
Members BrokenHeartedinMD Posted January 31, 2019 Members Report Posted January 31, 2019 I haven't even made it a month since my wife died, so maybe it's still too soon to expect something different, but I am having horrible anxiety and panic. Especially at bedtime. I can sometimes handle it a little better during the day, but as soon as it starts getting dark outside I feel it building up inside me. If I'm lucky I can fall asleep but it's usually never more than a couple hours. The pain is still so fresh and so intense and when my heart starts pounding I sometimes find myself telling God that if he wants to take me, I'm ready. It seems so much easier than facing what is in front of me now.
Members Moment2moment Posted January 31, 2019 Members Report Posted January 31, 2019 44 minutes ago, BrokenHeartedinMD said: I haven't even made it a month since my wife died, so maybe it's still too soon to expect something different, but I am having horrible anxiety and panic. Especially at bedtime. I can sometimes handle it a little better during the day, but as soon as it starts getting dark outside I feel it building up inside me. If I'm lucky I can fall asleep but it's usually never more than a couple hours. The pain is still so fresh and so intense and when my heart starts pounding I sometimes find myself telling God that if he wants to take me, I'm ready. It seems so much easier than facing what is in front of me now. I understand and have to tell you that it does become more bearable as time goes by. I am 9 months out and I got myself a grief counselor because I had bad, unpredictable panic to the point that I could not go out. I also had terrible ptsd flashbacks. Talking and coming here has moved me through the worst of it but it never goes completely away. You will have to figure out routines to help you cope one day at a time. My dogs and their care needs and walks help put more routine in my day. I also got a part time job (I had been a 24/7 caregiver for years) and am taking on a second one next week. Right now you are in shock. Try to take care of yourself physically. Come here often. Seek out support when you are ready or inclined. I found my grief counselor through a local hospice. I had times when I wanted to fold over and just die. I had no clue what was happening with me. I was afraid I was going to kill myself to get rid of the pain but at the same time I was terrified that I was going to die because for the first time in 12 years I had a chance to live and I didn't want to go yet. Crazy! I got through that phase by the grace of God and time and my counselor and a few supportive friends and this forum. This is the time to take one minute at a time and set a routine for yourself. My worst time was coming home to an empty house. So I always called 2 friends when I walked in my door. To share my day and to not have to confront silence. They knew I was going to call and we chatted a few and it helped. I rescued a second dog and no one is more happy to see me come home than my 2 mutts. That helped. Plus the TV comes on at night and I am watching happy stuff and sports. Biggest thing is i talk out loud to my partner. About everything. And sometimes cry. I learned hete that a lot of others here do that too. That helps me a lot as I feel her presence all the time. You will lots of love and support here. This is a special place. Check in every day. We are here for you! Love, Lily Bell
Members Glolilly Posted January 31, 2019 Members Report Posted January 31, 2019 I'm sorry that you had a recent setback or flashback. I too had mild ones during the holidays but worst were the anniversary of his death and the New Year in which I left Him back in the old year. I pray for your strength and comfort in believing he would want you to be doing well even in this difficult time.
Members Brazil Man Posted January 31, 2019 Members Report Posted January 31, 2019 It's been 8 months since my wife passed away and I still suffer a lot.I do not have panic attacks but I feel constant anguish and despair. All I wanted was dying too.
Membership HPB Posted January 31, 2019 Membership Report Posted January 31, 2019 36 minutes ago, Brazil Man said: I do not have panic attacks but I feel constant anguish and despair. All I wanted was dying too. ...same here. Every waking up in the morning is still pure horror. The world of dreams takes away the hurting broken heart for a few hours, but waking up means being pulled back into this life prison sentence, the own existence being the prison. Nowhere to hide, ...longing for the afterlife.
Moderators KayC Posted January 31, 2019 Moderators Report Posted January 31, 2019 10 hours ago, BrokenHeartedinMD said: I am having horrible anxiety and panic. Especially at bedtime. In addition to the article I posted for Kat here:https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/07/anxiety-attacks-in-grief-tools-for.html here is one that explains anxiety and panic in grief:https://www.nextavenue.org/anxiety-stage-grief/ There's a lot more articles on the same at the end of it. I'd make an appointment with your doctor, especially if this is continual. I'm on a mild anti-anxiety medicine and could probably stand something a little stronger! @HPB I wish dreams brought relief but I rarely dream about George or if I do, don't remember them so it's not an escape for me like some people. It's waking in the middle of the night and having anxiety kick in that I hate. In the first year it was hard to go to sleep at all, I didn't get nearly enough. Looking back I wish I'd let my doctor prescribe a sleep aid for me. Trying to tough it out was ridiculous, it just made it harder on myself.
Membership HPB Posted January 31, 2019 Membership Report Posted January 31, 2019 1 hour ago, KayC said: I wish dreams brought relief but I rarely dream about George or if I do, don't remember them so it's not an escape for me like some people. I didn't mean that only dreams of our loved ones provide relief from the agony of being awake, just the sheer fact that in any dream (or even sleep without [known] dreams) the conscious pain of our loss is not there makes it more bearable to be sleeping/dreaming than being awake. I also rather rarely remember dreams of Keiko, but yesterday I had a partly pleasant and partly weird dream. Maybe it's better to open a new "dream" thread to not bring this one too much offset. I just want to add the following; not dreaming about our loved ones doesn't have to be a negative thing. It could be neccessary to protect us. Dr. Jonathan Rose has a rough guess about this in the following video (at 15min23sec): https://youtu.be/0mViA5rOF5E?t=923
Members JES Posted February 1, 2019 Members Report Posted February 1, 2019 I have had some panic attacks but not recently, more in 1st couple months, mine were when I went in big store or around alot of people....felt like I would pass out, heart pounding, like I couldnt breathe, of course I left my bag of groceries at checkout as I was trying to get out of store fast, so they were yelling, " you forgot your groceries" and I had to turn around and go back and grab them. I made it to car and sat there shaking...afraid to drive 10 blocks home. Eventually I made it home ok but it was a horrible feeling.....never had it happen to me before......but did have afew smaller ones after that. Think I've only been in that store once since ( it was where we shopped together). It hurts......and is so hard to have no control over your body or emotions.
Members JES Posted February 1, 2019 Members Report Posted February 1, 2019 BrokenHeartedinMD. I had alot of anxiety at night also, especially after time change in Nov. It was getting dark at 4:30 pm and it was horrible, I felt so alone without him. I was going to bed at 6:30/7pm at night and hoping I could sleep so my mind ( couldnt think). Eventually it got better, I started to read books alittle and was able to concentrate on tv and stay up later. It just seems like when you can deal ok with one thing and think your doing better a new ( thing) pops up out of the blue. Prayers for all.
Members beaniele Posted February 1, 2019 Members Report Posted February 1, 2019 BrokenHeartedinMD. I had alot of anxiety at night also, especially after time change in Nov. It was getting dark at 4:30 pm and it was horrible, I felt so alone without him. I was going to bed at 6:30/7pm at night and hoping I could sleep so my mind ( couldnt think). Eventually it got better, I started to read books alittle and was able to concentrate on tv and stay up later. It just seems like when you can deal ok with one thing and think your doing better a new ( thing) pops up out of the blue. Prayers for all.I also go to bed early so do not have to think. It will be 11 weeks tomorrow. It is just so unbelievable that this is my life now. A like without my husband, my love.Linda
Members JES Posted February 2, 2019 Members Report Posted February 2, 2019 I am so sorry for your loss Linda. Its so hard to go on without them. 11 wks. Isn't very long. I found nights for me was worst time so we do what we have to do to get thru it. Thinking of you.
Members beaniele Posted February 2, 2019 Members Report Posted February 2, 2019 Thank you, Jes. Mornings are the worst for me. Nights I go to sleep and forget, but then morning returns and it starts all over again. I am so sorry for everyone's loss.
Members Brazil Man Posted February 2, 2019 Members Report Posted February 2, 2019 5 hours ago, beaniele said: Mornings are the worst for me. Nights I go to sleep and forget, but then morning returns and it starts all over again. I am so sorry for everyone's loss. For me too. During the night I also forget. The morning is a torment and I stay waiting the day to pass so the night comes and I can have some rest again.
Members Moment2moment Posted February 2, 2019 Members Report Posted February 2, 2019 On 1/31/2019 at 8:58 AM, KayC said: In addition to the article I posted for Kat here:https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/07/anxiety-attacks-in-grief-tools-for.html here is one that explains anxiety and panic in grief:https://www.nextavenue.org/anxiety-stage-grief/ There's a lot more articles on the same at the end of it. I'd make an appointment with your doctor, especially if this is continual. I'm on a mild anti-anxiety medicine and could probably stand something a little stronger! @HPB I wish dreams brought relief but I rarely dream about George or if I do, don't remember them so it's not an escape for me like some people. It's waking in the middle of the night and having anxiety kick in that I hate. In the first year it was hard to go to sleep at all, I didn't get nearly enough. Looking back I wish I'd let my doctor prescribe a sleep aid for me. Trying to tough it out was ridiculous, it just made it harder on myself. Thank you for these links. They are just what I have been needing at this phase of my journey.
Members foreverhis Posted February 2, 2019 Members Report Posted February 2, 2019 On 1/31/2019 at 5:58 AM, KayC said: I wish dreams brought relief but I rarely dream about George or if I do, don't remember them so it's not an escape for me like some people. It's waking in the middle of the night and having anxiety kick in that I hate. In the first year it was hard to go to sleep at all, I didn't get nearly enough. Looking back I wish I'd let my doctor prescribe a sleep aid for me. Trying to tough it out was ridiculous, it just made it harder on myself. I also don't remember if I have dreams about my husband, except maybe little hints, nothing specific. There's only been the one very detailed, very intense nightmare where we were in our living room and he kept putting obstacles in my way so I couldn't see. Then I kept trying to get him to talk to me, but he was really distant. Finally I asked him if he'd ever loved me and he said yes; I asked him if he still did and he said no. That's when I startled awake, which I'm sure was because the idea that he doesn't still love me is too painful to even contemplate. I'm pretty sure that was my own insecurities and knowledge of my faults or failures (real or imagined) "talking," but it hurt so much. No doubt that's why I remember it so clearly and why I pulled myself out of sleep. I'm not sure if having nightly good dreams like our daughter has been is a blessing or a curse. On the one hand, sleep becomes a place of true refuge. On the other, waking means being smacked in the heart every morning. On the third hand (so to speak), every morning I wake up, I have a moment, a second between sleep and wake where I don't remember that I will be facing another bleak and painful day. I think waking up is going to be painful for all of us regardless. About those sleep aids. I do have them and an anti-anxiety med I can use as a sleep aid. Sometimes they help me get to sleep, but even with them I don't sleep more than about 4 or 5 hours at a time. I have two auto-immune conditions that cause fatigue; in the past, I'd need a total of 12-14 hours of combined sleep and "down time" every day. Now, even with sleep aids I cannot get to sleep by simply "going to bed." My brain has always been one of those busy ones that has a hard time winding down. When my husband was alive, he helped by spooning and soothing me or just having a quiet talk to let the day go or...well, you know the other thing that can help us connect and relax. Now, it's just me, my own thoughts, and my anxiety. Almost every night I go to sleep on the sofa with the TV on quietly in the background as a distraction. I'll partially wake up in the middle of the night and stagger to bed, where I can usually get to sleep again because I'm so out of it already. Not a healthy sleep pattern, I know. And when I wake up, even if I'm still exhausted, I can't get back to sleep. I could take more medication, but I'd rather not be drugged all day long as I think it would actually be detrimental over time. I had a thought the other day that movies and shows that include plot points of grieving for a spouse/partner are full of BS. Every time--every time--they show the bereaved sleeping 24 hours a day, unable to get out of bed, and blah, blah, blah. If the members here are any indication (and I think they are), nothing could be further from the truth. So I guess my wish for today is that we all find the blessing of rest with a little bit of peace.
Members foreverhis Posted February 3, 2019 Members Report Posted February 3, 2019 On 1/31/2019 at 6:57 AM, HPB said: Maybe it's better to open a new "dream" thread to not bring this one too much offset. That's a great idea because discussing dreams, sleep, and waking up every day seems to be something that affects so many of us. Please do start a new thread about dreams. I'd like to hear how other people react and how they manage their waking times every day. I can move my post on this thread if @KatB wants to stick closer to her original concerns. How others cope with getting to sleep and then the mini-panic of waking could really help.
Members ModKatB Posted February 3, 2019 Author Members Report Posted February 3, 2019 Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement, it helps. I knew that this would happen when it got close to the one year mark but I just wasn't prepared for the intensity of the feelings. Looking back to last year and the months that followed his death I can see that there has definitely been a change in the way I look at things now. I have learned to deal with most of the things that are my new normal and even though I miss him and will continue to miss him, I have also found out that I have a few things that I am beginning to enjoy being a part of. We are all on the same journey and we each have to figure out what it is that helps us to get from one moment to the next. It is possible to have the wonderful memories of your love to help you get thru those dark times. It is possible to be in a place where the pain is a little less over time. It is not something that will ever be gone from your thoughts but there is HOPE for something other than tears and darkness. As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.
Members ModKatB Posted February 9, 2019 Author Members Report Posted February 9, 2019 Today is the 1 year mark of my husbands death. I have found I don't like to use the word anniversary because to me an anniversary is something to be celebrated and this is not something that I want to celebrate in any way. After I fell apart earlier this week I have finally started to get back to a sort of normal life. I will always miss him and I will always wish I could have him here with me but since I can't have what I want I am trying to make do with what I do have. One day at a time and one memory at a time and tears by the bucket. I know I will heal but I also know that it won't be today. Something else has been happening in my life that has actually given me something else to think about other than the death of my husband. I am living with my youngest daughter and there are some repairs needed on her home so her dad (my ex-husband) has been coming over to help her fix things up. During his visits I have only seen him for a few minutes in passing and a couple of the times I wasn't even home. Now I have heard that his wife is not happy about me being here and that she thinks he is trying to impress me. I may have to break a promise I had made to stay out of others problems and try to get her to understand that even though we were once together I have no desire to go down that road again and if it had been something that was going to happen it would have been over 24 years ago before I met and married Billy, who was my soulmate and the one I still love today.
Members SSC Posted February 9, 2019 Members Report Posted February 9, 2019 @KatB sending you hugs and prayers on this sad day. Know we're thinking of you and wish you the best. Good luck with the ex. Could be a sticky situation.
Moderators KayC Posted February 9, 2019 Moderators Report Posted February 9, 2019 Kat, You're in my thoughts and prayers as you face this one year mark of the hardest day of your life. I hope you will see the strength that you have shown, even if you haven't felt strong, that you are a survivor, I see you as brave, making hard choices and decisions. Phooey with the ex's wife, I also have an XH and his wife doesn't want me in the same vicinity either, but we did have kids together so sometimes it has to be, whether she likes it or not. I've always been respectful of her, I wish she'd do the same. It's their insecurities, nothing to do with us and nothing we can fix. Good luck with that.
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.