Desperate need to move forward somehow...

[dlj0403]

I lost my daughter, Jenna, 29 months ago today. She was 20 years old. It took me eight months to find out that her cause of death was "acute cardiac arythmia". I can not understand how a healthy 20 year olds heart just stops. Let me start off saying that Jenna was my life. She was my only child and my best friend. We spoke to each other several times throughout our daily life. On September 11, 2008 we were planning a baby shower for one of her friends and on September 12, 2008, I get a call from her boyfriend that he had taken her to the ER and the doctor says "it doesn't look good...." I got to the hospital and was shuffled around. Finally the doctor came in to this small waiting area. He started asking all kinds of questions and I finally stopped him and said "can't this wait...I want to go be with my daughter" He just kept on...I stood up and at that point he said "you can't, your daughter is dead" I won't go in to details but he was reprimanded I found out later for his bedside manners. Then the medical examiner showed up. They told me if I wanted to see my daughter, I better hurry because they were getting ready to take her.....but, I couldn't touch her or get near her. I didn't know what they were talking about but later discovered that they were looking for evidence since she had actually passed away at her apartment and brought to the hospital by her boyfriend. It was just a horrible experience....I mean it was bad enough that I lost my only child but to have to go through everything that I went through on that day.

I will share that Jenna & I always had a "sign" for when we saw rainbows. We would always either call, text and take pictures of them. We always said that was our sign and we would always think of each other when we saw one. The day after Jenna passed away.....there was a full rainbow right outside my house. I told people about our story and our sign of the rainbow....since then I receive rainbows from all over. I think of it as a blessing that when people see a rainbow...they think of me and Jenna and our story.

I am writing because I am in desperate need at trying to figure out how to actually move forward in the grief process. I have tried grief counselors and support groups but nothing is helping. I am very depressed...not to the point where I am missing work but to the point that I am putting distance between me, my husband and my family. None of them understand what I am going through. When I tell them how I've been robbed of my and Jenna's life...they don't understand. I should "be thankful for the 20 years" or "God wanted her"....yes, I am thankful for 20 years but what about everything that we were supposed have...college graduation, her wedding, her children, her future....I have friends that talk about their children and it hurts because I don't have any of that. And the part that "God wanter her..." excuse me...I wanted her more...I know I'm just being selfous but what else do I have now? I watched the movie "Rabbit Hole" with Nicole Kidman. All the way through the movie, I kept thinking to myself...she was portraying my life...I have done thing like crying out of the blue going down the road to standing and watching water boil for no reason. Just numb....

How do people handle their relationships with their spouses after a death of a child? He was her step-dad but was more her dad than her actual one. He has grieved and moved forward but doesn't get why I can't. He feels now that I am pushing him away because I don't talk to him.

A friend of Jenna's suggested that I search a forum today so this is all new to me but hoping that someone out here can help me find a way to be back to being happy instead of just saying "I'm ok...." I mean actually saying I'm ok and really meaning it...

Thank you for listening to me...

Jenna's Mom

[aim630]

Jenna's mom-I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter Jenna. My 23 yr old daughter Ashley died 2-9-10 after 3 months in the hospital with pneumonia & mono after having H1N1. She was recovering & starting physical therapy when she died suddenly from cardiac arythmia, possibly caused by a blood clot. I'm sorry the doctor was so rude and insensitive when speaking to you. Of course you just wanted to see your daughter. I was there when Ashley's heart rate went extremely high. They said she was just "worked up". They gave her medicine to bring her heart rate down, and it did start falling, first to 40 bpm, then 20, then 0. When I told the nurse it was zero, she said "she's fine, honey", then she looked at Ashley & called a code blue. They could never get her heart to keep beating after that, although they tried for about 2 hours.

I don't know how much I can help you move forward, as it's only been a year for me, but there are others on the Loss of Adult Child board who've been here several years and have some good advice and words of wisdom. My husband is also Ashley's step-dad, but way more of a dad than her real dad. He seems to have moved on also. (he has 3 kids of his own, and we have 1 together, our daughter who is almost 18). We are going to visit his 23 yr old that just gave birth to her second child today. I love my stepkids, but it's just not the same. I get jealous (I know how horrible that is), that they get to get married & have children, and move on in their lives, but Ashley can't. Sometimes if I just sit down & think about everything that's happened, I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Please come to the other board and tell us more about Jenna. This website has been an absolute lifesaver for me this past year.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[mysonrich]

Dear Jenna's mom, I was so sorry that you have reason to be here at BI. The lose of your beautiful, young daughter Jenna. My son, Rich, 20 years young,died from cardiac dysrhythmia on January 18,2009. Here at BI there are many,too many parents that have lost children in the same manner. Also parents have lost children in undeniable tragic, all tragic,manner This is a loving,compassionate group of people that are always here when you need us. If you would post at “ Lose of an adult child” , that is the area where we gather , the area,the people that offer support and wisdom to you and all, on this path that we never wanted,never chose,never considered. Please join us there and share Jenna when you are ready.

[caudioun]

Jenna's mom,

I'm so very sorry to hear about jenna. She sounds like an amazing young lady. That is terrible you deal with the doctor being so rude.

Jenna is looking down on you sitting on rainbow. Keep your head up.

My thoughts are with you.

Chris

I just lost a close friend at a young age. Here is here memory webpage; http://shar.es/3um6R

Lost her to cancer at only 18

This site did a great job with the site. If you look for a free way to honor a loved one. This is a great way.

[ModKonnie]

Jenna's Mom,

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Jenna. It is simply horrible how they treated you so shabbily and coldly at the hospital. There are many people here who have lost their dear children, and they may be able to provide you the support that others who haven't experienced such loss just can't or don't truly understand.

We are glad you have come here in your time of need. We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

[dlj0403]

Thank you...getting in to the forum is my hope that I can find someone that I can connect with and talk to. And from the replies that I have received, I feel like I have found the right one. My husband keeps saying that I'm not the only one that has lost a child and from what I've read...it is really sad how many of us there are out there.

I have already messed up and can't find a way to correct my error....I put Jenna's birth year as her angelversary year. When I go to my profile to correct it, it asks for my name, country, etc and there isn't a place for it on the edit profile....oh well...guess I've combined the two on here!

Thank you for responding back to me.

Jenna's Mom,

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Jenna. It is simply horrible how they treated you so shabbily and coldly at the hospital. There are many people here who have lost their dear children, and they may be able to provide you the support that others who haven't experienced such loss just can't or don't truly understand.

We are glad you have come here in your time of need. We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

[dlj0403]

I like that thought....Jenna is looking down on you sitting on a rainbow! That made me smile...strange that I've never thought of it that way.

Thanks for sharing the memory webpage of Amber. She was a beautiful girl. So sorry for your loss.

Deanna

Jenna's mom,

I'm so very sorry to hear about jenna. She sounds like an amazing young lady. That is terrible you deal with the doctor being so rude.

Jenna is looking down on you sitting on rainbow. Keep your head up.

My thoughts are with you.

Chris

I just lost a close friend at a young age. Here is here memory webpage; http://shar.es/3um6R

Lost her to cancer at only 18

This site did a great job with the site. If you look for a free way to honor a loved one. This is a great way.

[dlj0403]

I'm so sorry for your loss. We thought that Jenna had the H1N1 but couldn't get any proof. She had just finished the injections but the doctors all said she hadn't any of the symptoms, but it stil doesn't make any sense to me. My heart goes out to you. I bet that was really hard watching Ashley's heart rate go down like that and then working on her for two hours. Jenna had passed away before her boyfriend rushed her to the ER. My "mom" detective work discovered that she had received a text message at 12:02, responded at 12:03, received another at 12:07 and it was never opened. And someone came by her apartment at that same time. She was lying on the bed and her cell phone was still on the pillow. She had gotten up and collapsed to the floor...that's where her boyfriend found her.

I feel exactly the same way...my husbands youngest daughter is pregnant and we will be going to Los Angeles in August when the baby is born. It's hard to get excited. I mean I want to but this won't ever by "my" grandchild. I do have a couple of Jenna's best friends from high school that have been by my side since she passed away. I've helped on with her wedding last March 26. I found myself in the kitchen crying my eyes out and taking it out on the punch that I was mixing. I keep saying that I have my big girl panties on....but here lately...they are bunching up and I'm about to snap!

So do I just go to the death of an adult child and just post there? this is new to me

Deanna ~ Jenna's mom

quote name='aim630' timestamp='1297604661' post='72513']

Jenna's mom-I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter Jenna. My 23 yr old daughter Ashley died 2-9-10 after 3 months in the hospital with pneumonia & mono after having H1N1. She was recovering & starting physical therapy when she died suddenly from cardiac arythmia, possibly caused by a blood clot. I'm sorry the doctor was so rude and insensitive when speaking to you. Of course you just wanted to see your daughter. I was there when Ashley's heart rate went extremely high. They said she was just "worked up". They gave her medicine to bring her heart rate down, and it did start falling, first to 40 bpm, then 20, then 0. When I told the nurse it was zero, she said "she's fine, honey", then she looked at Ashley & called a code blue. They could never get her heart to keep beating after that, although they tried for about 2 hours.

I don't know how much I can help you move forward, as it's only been a year for me, but there are others on the Loss of Adult Child board who've been here several years and have some good advice and words of wisdom. My husband is also Ashley's step-dad, but way more of a dad than her real dad. He seems to have moved on also. (he has 3 kids of his own, and we have 1 together, our daughter who is almost 18). We are going to visit his 23 yr old that just gave birth to her second child today. I love my stepkids, but it's just not the same. I get jealous (I know how horrible that is), that they get to get married & have children, and move on in their lives, but Ashley can't. Sometimes if I just sit down & think about everything that's happened, I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Please come to the other board and tell us more about Jenna. This website has been an absolute lifesaver for me this past year.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[summergirl]

Deanna - I am so very sorry for your loss of your sweet Jenna...... I am Kathy and my husband and I lost our only daughter Jessica on Feb 18, 2006 from ARVD - Arythmic Right Ventricular Dysplasia - better known as "sudden heart failure" - it was our worst nightmare come true. It will be 5 years this Friday since she left us and I am still trying to keep breathing. The forum "Loss of an Adult Child" is the place for you to be - there are many there who suffer the loss of a child who will give you what you need....it is an amazing site and I for one know that they saved my sanity many times over the past years. There is no right or wrong way to be when you lose a child and it can cause many devasting impacts on your life and those you love. My husband and I had a very rough time as I grieved openly (still do) and he was the silent griever....I believe sometimes that this site saved my marriage in some ways as there are many wise people there who help us to see the things we cannot sometimes see...... I pray for you and send hugs your way. I hope to see you on the forum and want to hear so much more about your Jenna.....