Does everyone have a fear?

[chrissydee]

Everyone has a fear, right? I’m not talking about those common fears that everyone seems to have, you know the ones like heights, spiders, or clowns. We all of those, whether we admit it or not. No, what I’m talking about is the deeply rooted ones, the ones you tell very few people or no one at all. Not necessarily because it’s embarrassing, but because it’s just so terrifying to even think or talk about out loud. I’m talking about the ones you have nightmares about, the ones that when you think about it or envision it that it makes your heart pound, your stomach drop. The idea of it may give you chills and may even disable you temporarily both physically and mentally. Those fears are the ones I’m talking about.

 

For some, that fear might be being a failure. For others, it might be spending the rest of your life alone and never finding your soulmate. It could also be becoming broke or being homeless. It could be suffering or ultimately death. Whatever it may be, chances are you haven’t had to face it (yet) but hopefully you will never have to (or at least not for a very very long time). They say facing your fears makes you stronger, but as of this year I’m not sure I entirely believe that. Because what they don’t tell you behind that inspirational quote is the ugly truth.

 

As a child, my imagination was intense and it often consumed me. It would be so vivid and feel so real, regardless if it was good or bad. Putting the good aside, the bad is what I dealt with more frequently - especially with dreams. Although, I wouldn’t even call these dreams, cause the fact of the matter is they were nightmares. They always managed to consist of things I feared the most growing up. I had my fair share of monsters in the closet or under the bed, scary animals, scary places and everything in between. But as I grew older, it became geared towards things I saw or other people had experienced or told me about, and that made it feel so real. They would consist of helplessness, suffering, sickness, and worst of all death. All of those have been fears that have been instilled in me for a very long time. But, without a doubt, the biggest fear I’ve ever had has been my father passing away. It’s crossed my mind, it’s occurred in my dreams, and I would always wake up panicked and frightened. I would be forced to reassure myself that everything was fine and I would find immediate relief upon seeing his face and hearing his voice.

 

On January 11, 2019, however, that fear became my reality. The one thing I feared the most in my life actually had come true. I was forced not only to face it, but accept it. This happened simultaneously. I didn’t get a warning and I definitely didn’t prepare. It just happened, all in the blink of an eye. He was here one hour and gone the next. It left me in such a state that even now (a few weeks later) it’s hard to even describe. But I would say it’s like something like this...

 

It’s like being thrown into a dark room, completely disoriented or like being stuck in quick sand. It’s like a rug getting ripped up from underneath your feet, or like getting the air knocked out of you. It’s that pit that you sometimes get in the bottom of your stomach, or that image that is seared into your brain. It’s a sense of helplessness that you can’t imagine, mixed with so much sorrow that it weighs you down and makes you feel oh so weak. It’s your mind constantly in turmoil, and the only clarity you seem to get is still just haze. It’s a shock to the system, it’s something incomprehensible. It’s like a never ending bad dream that you just pray you can wake up from but then soon realize that it will never happen. It’s a harsh dose of reality, the cold and dark kind. It’s far from rainbows and sunshine. It’s scary, it’s painful, it’s paralyzing, and it’s numbing. It’s immeasurable. It’s unfathomable.

 

Maybe there will be light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel. Maybe this will transform me and maybe I will come out of this stronger, because ultimately I would have faced my worst fear right? But if it’s one thing I’m realizing now is that very few people will ever understand the journey and what I exactly will go through to gain that strength (assuming I do). Because I know it won’t be just a matter of adding heavier weights to my gym routine or solving a complex problem. It won’t be society’s typical definition of strength. It will be about me enduring the most mentally and physically draining period of my life. It will be about accepting something I will never get back, and having to carry a void with me for the remainder of my life. It will be about me being forced to step up and take care of my family, and about me taking on things that no 29 year old should ever have to do, let alone think about. It will be about how I handled a slew of emotions and mental turmoil daily. It will be about knowing that I missed out on an additional 30+ years I could have had with someone I truly loved and the fact that that they will never be around to see my accomplishments and milestones going forward. It will be me learning to relive my life and continuing to push forward despite the days where I entirely want to give up. It will be about a chunk being removed from our family equation forever. It will be about handling birthdays, holidays, and special occasions without him. It will be about holding onto memories as sense of comfort, but no new ones will be made with him in it. It will be about me never being able to give him another hug, hear his voice, or make him laugh. It will be about me navigating through the rest of my life without the man that brought me into this world, and will be a test to see how well I do now that I have lost my everything.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[nuvar]

Hi chrissy, sorry for your loss. sorry that it took quite long for me to read and respond, i understand you are feeling sad and terrible and under tremendous stress. You mentioned that you need to step up for your family and I can relate to that (im taking care of my father who has moderate alzheimers)

Grief is a journey, it is indeed hard and no two people experiences the exact same process. When you talk about fear, yes indeed it strikes a cord with me. I used to fear that day, I never expected that day to come so soon to me. I expected to be with my mum and dad for another 5 yrs (the avg lifespan). Because of a wrong decision, my mum was made to suffer needlessly by undergoing a needless operation. She suffered tremendously and it weighs down on me too. At that point, I didnt really fear anything when I had to make the decision. I was simply numb. The fear was only before and after....... along with the guilt that is weighing me down and I dont know how I can ever forgive myself

I can feel your profound love for your father who is one of the most, if not the most important figure in your life. I know you really want your dad to be able to see, witness your accomplishments in the future. 

Continue doing what you feel he would have wanted you to do. Im sure he's proud of you and will be proud of what you will achieve in the future.