Desisions

[JES]

I find myself having hard time making decisions. Since Kevin passed 4 months ago Ive been invited by his best friend and wife to go on RV trip with them to Copper Harbor, Mich., I said no thankyou, invited to Florida by a friend, no thankyou,  invited to concert by Paul Mccartney in June in Green Bay......hard one...Beatles were Kevins favorite group of all time, said no thankyou, then trip of a lifetime to Belize with my son and wife, said no thankyou. Today that same son and wife invited me on a trip to a Florida island in April with them and my granddaughter..... I havent said no yet. They have assured me they will take good care of me, right down to a dogsitter for my fur babies.  But I keep thinking of how I will miss my pups and how sad they look when I even leave the house for afew hours.  They still miss Kevin, he left and never came home. Plus my home is my comfort zone, but I also feel the tug to be with my family on this trip.....Has anyone went through any of these hard decisions?  I know it is only my choice in the end but I still struggle so much with decisions since hes not here.  

[SSC]

I’ve never been a homebody.  My husband was.  It was a source of contention between us at times.  Ironically Now I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything.  I totally understand how you feel about your home being your comfort zone. I don’t even want to go grocery shopping so I’ll just eat whatever I have on hand :/

my daughters set up a quick trip to Disneyland for us as my Christmas gift.  I was apprehensive to go knowing I’d miss my easy home life.  It actually was a great diversion for me.  Something to look forward too and it kinda gave me a change of scenery that bumped me out of my grief rut.  I had to remind myself too that my girls were grieving for their father.  They latch onto me because I am the other part of their dad.  It was a good bonding time for us.  Jes, this is your family.  They need you and you need them.  Make memories with them that you all will remember.  It’s important.

[Sunflower2]

2 hours ago, JES said:

.Has anyone went through any of these hard decisions?  I know it is only my choice in the end but I still struggle so much with decisions since hes not here.  

Yes. I have pushed at times being very selective.  The key is your comfort level with them.  They seem to be respecting and honoring your journey and your loss along with your struggles. talk it over with your loved one. He will hear you Journal it.  This is not a major life decision like a move.  As you acknowledged only you can decide... list the advantages and disadvantages. this will include your fears.  Trust your gut.  This may just be what you need.   xo 

[KayC]

A couple of weeks after my husband died, my daughter's best friend's family invited me to a 4th of July shindig at their house...any other time I would have loved to have been included, but it was way too soon, I wasn't up to gaiety and celebration so soon especially!  I never got invited again and I wish I had, but that was just way too soon for me.

I have become more of a homebody since my husband died, like this is my sanctuary, my comfort zone.  I do go places but don't like to overnight, although I make myself so I can spend time with my grandchildren.

I think Sunflower has made good points, your comfort level with them, how respectful and honoring of your journey and loss they are.  

I was used to going places with George...not having him here with me, it was hard going to church or out to eat alone.  I learned to push myself past my comfort zone, to stretch myself, and guess what, now I'm totally comfortable going alone to things.  It takes practice.  It may feel awkward at first, but in time you feel better with it.

Only you can know if this is the right time/place/people to do this, listen to your gut feelings and trust it.

[JES]

I noticed I spelled decision wrong in my topic, am usually good speller. But this is how I roll these days.....have trouble concentrating,  finishing a sentence, and of course decisions. Thankyou all for your imput.  I have some time to decide yet, they will be going, with or without me.  I've never been too enthused about long distance traveling..only flew afew times.  I am kind of like KayC,  I do daily trips but like being home.  We also have a cottage less than 2 hrs. away so spent most vacations there. It is also a comfort zone for me... it will be a new first to go up there without Kevin but I am looking forward to that in April also. So.......we' ll see how I feel when I need to decide for sure.  Either way, my son and family live only 25 miles from me so I can spend time with them anytime. And they will understand.

[foreverhis]

A question you might want to add to your list:  Is one reason you might say "no, thank you" to trips because it's so difficult to come home, knowing Kevin won't be there?

This is one I struggle with constantly.  Even going to the store is an emotional push-pull for me.  I know I need to go out to get/do necessary things and interact with people, but I dread coming home.  About 6 blocks away coming down the hill, when I can see the house, I start thinking about the fact that he won't be there, ever.  Then I start crying.  By the time I pull into the garage, I'm usually a bit of a mess.   When I walk into the house, I still say, "I'm home," but it takes me a good 20 minutes to settle down again.

When I went to visit family over Thanksgiving, I waited to pack until 2 hours before I had to leave for the train because I knew I'd lose it when I got out one of our suitcases and went through our pre-prepped travel supplies (ready in case of emergency).  I had to remove all of his things, sort through, and then pack just for myself.  Usually, he'd put out everything he was planning on taking, then I'd pack the clothes and we'd pack the odd-and-ends together.  Waiting meant I was forced to just "do it."

But my real fear was coming home again.  I planned my return specifically on the day that would have been our 35th anniversary because I figured I'd have the distraction of the train.  I did, but as soon as the train pulled out--a train my hubby and I had taken together numerous times--I lost it.  The conductor was so sweet and considerate.  He brought me a box of Kleenex, didn't pry, and checked on me every 30 minutes or so.  I calmed, but ended up just staring out the window vacantly for most of the trip.  A friend met me at the station and drove me home.  I had the distraction of talking with someone who understands what's going on with me, but walking up to the porch landing, getting out my key, and opening the door made my heart pound and my eyes tear up.  I'm glad I went to my family, but will probably not do that again for a while.

So that's why I think you might want to add that question to your list of Why and Why Not.

[JES]

Thankyou all and foreverhis, I really don't have problem coming home, Im sorry its so hard for you..... I have my two Springers greet me at door and they are so happy to see me, then Im busy taking them in and out to potty, and usually feeding them. They don' t give me time to think at that point so I get thru it ok.  I did do list of pro's and cons on the trip (great idea) made my decision easier. My son texted last night all the info and said grandaughter bringing a girlfriend also.  Helped my decision as she will be busy with friend. So I said no, Im not comfortable going yet. He said I understand but wanted to offer it to you. Also said I can change mind in coming months but no pressure.  They will invite me again next time.  So nice of them to include me.  I feel very blessed.

[KayC]

And I'm glad they won't quit inviting you.  It's so important to recognize what we're comfortable with, when to push our comfort zone, when not to.