Lost my fiancé and the future I always dreamed of in an instant

[greeneyedvanfan]

At the end of December my 38 year old fiancé suddenly passed away from an aortic dissection.  I was with him at the time and while part of me is grateful we were together / he was not alone, I will never be able to erase that image / memory from my mind. We were at a jewelry store and he had just picked out his wedding band, which we were in line to pay for.  Although almost a month has gone by, it still doesn't seem real. I keep hoping I will wake up from this nightmare and he will walk through the door again.  We met in January of last year and got engaged in November, on my 37th birthday. We had set a date for May and many plans for the wedding were in motion.  I had just found my wedding dress less than 2 weeks prior.  We were excited to start trying for a family right after the wedding. Neither of us had been married before and we had finally found the love we were searching for within each other. We had some ups and downs, like any relationship, but we loved each other deeply and felt that we could get through anything together.  I just don't know where to go from here, because he was such a huge part of my future.  I have a great job and my boss and colleagues have been extremely supportive. I also have loving friends and family who have been wonderfully caring.  But I still feel alone, sad, angry and just devastated. I never in a million years saw this happening. I lost my dad suddenly, of a heart attack, at the end of 2017 and was just starting to come into a place of acceptance and a feeling that the acute grief was now dulled.  I just don't want to accept this reality. It seems cruel - not just me losing the love of my life, who I waited so long to meet - but him losing his life at such a young age, with so much ahead. It just seems surreal to go from planning a wedding to planning a memorial service in such a short amount of time. I am doing everything I can to cope - relying on friends for support, working from home as much as I can so I can cry whenever I need to in privacy, joining a grief support group, reading books about grief, watching videos about grief on YouTube and seeing a therapist. They are all helping to some degree but I still don't want to accept this fate.  I don't think I'm in denial, per se, more of just disbelief and a depth of sadness I've never felt before.  

[KayC]

I am so sorry for this tremendous loss...loss of your best friend, your fiance, but also loss of your dreams for your future and what that would look like.  It's a lot.  At a month in, you've already figured out how much work this grief is!  Seeing a grief counselor, attending grief support groups, reading books, articles, crying, allowing yourself to feel your grief all while trying to work and keep going, take care of yourself, it can feel like a LOT.  And you're already seeing that there's a whole rollercoaster of emotion on this journey and just trying to process our grief is a LOT.  Finding a grief forum such as this saved me, it really did...the place I could go to and express my thoughts and emotions and know I'd be understood and someone would be on line soon...it helped.  

Yes it feels surreal.  That's why it takes so long to process this, nothing simple about it, it takes so much time and effort...but we do it, somehow.  I honestly didn't know where to start in the beginning, I was in shock, my husband had just had his 51st birthday, we'd met in our mid-40s.  It felt like we just put our lives together only to have them come unraveled!  Yes from planning a wedding to a memorial service.  Nothing about it feels fair.  I guess that's a word we can discard!  We thought we'd grow old together!  We even bought the porch swing.  

I'll share my article with you...what helped me in my grief journey...some of it may strike a chord with you, some may not.  Some may stand out today, some may months down the road.  We're unique in our journeys, so there's no one-size-fits-all, but if anything here helps you, that's great.  The "taking a day at a time" was the best advice I got.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[greeneyedvanfan]

Thank you so much KayC! It's very comforting to know I am not alone in this and appreciate you sharing these tips - I will definitely try them out.

[Pim]

On 1/26/2019 at 6:23 AM, greeneyedvanfan said:

 I just don't want to accept this reality. It seems cruel - not just me losing the love of my life, who I waited so long to meet - but him losing his life at such a young age, with so much ahead. It just seems surreal ... 

Dear greeneyedvanfan,

your tremendous loss is palpable through your writing. It is most cruel and unfair when you have finally found this one person in your life who completes you, and then to have that beautiful love taken away just like that. In an unexpected terrible twist of fate. I completely understand your feeling of surrealism.

It's great that your boss, colleagues, friends and family are so much on your side, but what you write is true, you still feel very alone.

I am now almost six months on this journey and I cry almost every day, usually more than once. I didn't know that it was possible to shed so many tears.

You are in my thoughts when I go to sleep tonight and I do hope you will find some relief by using this forum.

Love, Pim

 

[Sunflower2]

On ‎1‎/‎27‎/‎2019 at 3:47 PM, Pim said:

I just don't want to accept this reality.

I sill have moments with this.  I understand.   

Gentle thoughts and prayers

[foreverhis]

On 1/25/2019 at 9:23 PM, greeneyedvanfan said:

 I was with him at the time and while part of me is grateful we were together / he was not alone, I will never be able to erase that image / memory from my mind.

I understand how hard that image is for you to bear.  I was with my husband at the end and I will never forget seeing him take his last breath as I felt my heart shatter.  I've thought about this.  I decided I'd rather have that painful image because it means I was able to tell him for the millionth time how much I love him.  It also means that he knew he was not alone; at least, I hope so because he was on comfort care and really out of it those last few hours, but I choose to believe the doctors when they tell me he could still hear my voice and the music I played for him.  I can take the burden and the pain because I believe it made his passing easier for him.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here.  To have your love and the life you planned together ripped away from you like that, well, I can hardly imagine what it is like for you.  All I can offer you is my deepest sympathy.  No one who hasn't experience this kind of loss can fully understand it, but here you will find many kindred spirits who will help in whatever ways they can.

[Pim]

On 1/29/2019 at 9:16 PM, foreverhis said:

I choose to believe the doctors when they tell me he could still hear my voice and the music I played for him.

 

The sense of hearing is apparently working even if sight has gone in those last stages. This is also what the doctor told me.

It gives us some comfort.

 

[JES]

@greeneyedvanfan I am also sorry for your loss, what a cruel twist of fate.  He was so young and you had so many plans.  I wish I had words to comfort you but all I can do is tell you I understand.  Please know that I am am thinking of you and sending you a big hug.

[Glolilly]

@greeneyedvanfanI am so sorry for your loss as well. .  I just don't know where to go from here, because he was such a huge part of my future.  I have a great job and my boss and colleagues have been extremely supportive. Yes, it's a go and a maze for a while. Taking one day at a time or even an hour was enough for me. Time seems to take off without me it feels. It was great to immerse into a work routine for me. It gave me a purpose and structure that I could still do very well. For me as a nurse, I wanted to know if his cause of death was something I missed or even he missed. It turns out that most sudden deaths are not known or noticed earlier  as far as symptoms. I wanted to have known before I got married that this would happen but life can be so unfair.  Most life tragedies will never be known ahead  this side of life. It is very good that you have great support at work and with family. Researching, I read a case where a 37 year old male had symptoms of this but even a family doctor didn't detect and a week later, an emergency room doctor did chest X-rays and still misdiagnosed it. This kind of information let me know if they missed it, that I as a nurse wouldn't have stopped my husband  from his fatal heart attack as well . So I had to stop the guilt hitting . The main focus is that this unknown horrible health condition happened at the worst possible time. No one on earth can say why or how. The unbelief and shock is so devastating so I am glad you are seeing a therapist. It took me several months to believe my husband's sudden death was real. I did get to enjoy 25 years of marriage but his death at age 57 was still  shocking and unreal in my mind and soul. I am so sorry that you did not get to get married with all the preparations that you went through and time to find each other  Also he was a young man in love with you looking forward to a wonderful family. I pray that you  find comfort in the love you will never lose and pray your heart is greatly comforted in this great loss which has brought you here. I started in January 2018 and I have truly benefited from the caring responses I have gotten here and that I also read from others . May God bless you. 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Glolilly said:

Also he was a young man in love with you looking forward to a wonderful family. I pray that you  find comfort in the love you will never lose and pray your heart is greatly comforted in this great loss which has brought you here.

Beautifully expressed, I feel the same.