Lost My Husband/Soulmate

[JES]

I lost my husband/soulmate of 25yrs. on sept.23,2018, 4 months ago today.  My life has been forever changed.  He was 61 yrs old.  I,ve been reading this forum since beginning of Oct. I've never been on a forum so this is hard for me and not quite sure what I'm doing.  I,m sorry for all of your pain and Im also sorry that I need to be here.  I just kept reading posts to see if all of the things I was feeling and doing was normal.  Losing Kevin is the hardest thing I,ve ever had to deal with by far.  I never could've imagined how hard. So many emotions that I have no control over.   

[tlc]

HI . Jes, I lost my husband and soul mate of twenty one years in April 2018. I am so sorry for our losses. I'm sorry that we both find ourselves here in the club that nobody wanted to join.

Personally, I will never recover but as kayc says I am gradually learning to live with the pain and the loss, gradually, somehow. Recover, get over it or move on...never. The pain is excruciating and relentless. Some days are better than others and some days are so bad that you wonder how you get through them. Tears, I didn't know that it was possible to cry so many tears for so long and still live.

Joy, finding that would be good but not so much of that these days without the love of my life. Like you say, this is by far the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with in my life and that's saying something. So sorry Jes.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, tlc said:

HI . Jes, I lost my husband and soul mate of twenty one years in April 2018. I am so sorry for our losses. I'm sorry that we both find ourselves here in the club that nobody wanted to join.

Personally, I will never recover but as kayc says I am gradually learning to live with the pain and the loss, gradually, somehow. Recover, get over it or move on...never. The pain is excruciating and relentless. Some days are better than others and some days are so bad that you wonder how you get through them. Tears, I didn't know that it was possible to cry so many tears for so long and still live.

Joy, finding that would be good but not so much of that these days without the love of my life. Like you say, this is by far the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with in my life and that's saying something. So sorry Jes.

I don't think we DO "recover" as in get over, move on, instead this changes us and we have to find a new way to incorporate them into our life now.

The joy you talk about is gone, but there can be small joys, little things that are still pleasant, someone's kindness perhaps, it's good to recognize when we find it no matter how small or fleeting, it's what we have now.

12 hours ago, JES said:

I lost my husband/soulmate of 25yrs. on sept.23,2018, 4 months ago today.  My life has been forever changed.  He was 61 yrs old.  I,ve been reading this forum since beginning of Oct. I've never been on a forum so this is hard for me and not quite sure what I'm doing.  I,m sorry for all of your pain and Im also sorry that I need to be here.  I just kept reading posts to see if all of the things I was feeling and doing was normal.  Losing Kevin is the hardest thing I,ve ever had to deal with by far.  I never could've imagined how hard. So many emotions that I have no control over.   

Welcome here, I want to tell you I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband at the age of 51 13 1/2 years ago, it was a shock.  I just shared my article with someone else but want to with you also, I hope something in it helps you even just a bit...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Sunflower2]

15 hours ago, JES said:

I lost my husband/soulmate of 25yrs. on sept.23,2018, 4 months ago today.  My life has been forever changed.

reflecting this morning and grasping at the thought that it's already been 17 months since my loss. September 24th, 2017.  Somehow I went back and remembered the 4 month mark  and  began comparing where I was then and where I am now. At 4 months I was still in shock as everything happened so suddenly. Today the shock of suddenly losing him roared its head. Suddenly my world changed as you are experiencing. I'm surrounded by the best support system yet in the end this is my journey alone. That brings to me and to others the reality of what is. Your loss is so fresh.

Even in the darkest moments there is the lightness that follows. For all those who are beginning this journey  please remember the darkness will give way to a lightness.  That thought process helps keep me afloat. We have to pass through the darkness to heal. 

It is the most difficult journey I've encountered.  I've often describe it as gut wrenching and excruciating. It leaves only to return.  There are rays of sunshine that do seep through the cracks.  Allow yourself to be open to receive. A moment of joy and light gives us the hope we need if even for a moment. 

Thoughts and prayers for all beginning this journey.

 

 

[Laney]

6 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

reflecting this morning and grasping at the thought that it's already been 17 months since my loss. September 24th, 2017.  Somehow I went back and remembered the 4 month mark  and  began comparing where I was then and where I am now. At 4 months I was still in shock as everything happened so suddenly. Today the shock of suddenly losing him roared its head. Suddenly my world changed as you are experiencing. I'm surrounded by the best support system yet in the end this is my journey alone. That brings to me and to others the reality of what is. Your loss is so fresh.

Even in the darkest moments there is the lightness that follows. For all those who are beginning this journey  please remember the darkness will give way to a lightness.  That thought process helps keep me afloat. We have to pass through the darkness to heal. 

It is the most difficult journey I've encountered.  I've often describe it as gut wrenching and excruciating. It leaves only to return.  There are rays of sunshine that do seep through the cracks.  Allow yourself to be open to receive. A moment of joy and light gives us the hope we need if even for a moment. 

Thoughts and prayers for all beginning this journey.

 

 

I'm at month 7 and I can so relate to what you're saying about this being the most difficult journey ever.   Thank you for a glimmer of hope..

[JES]

Thankyou for all your messages of hope.  These threads have helped me alot....some days I couldnt bear to read, but I kept being drawn back to this site.  Alittle history of Kevin and I.....2nd marriage for both, he had 4 children, I had 3, none together.   We met at work and worked at same place until he couldn't work.  He always expected to die young, his father at 54.  Had 5 Bypasses at 40 yrs. old. Recovered quickly.  Ate healthy, rode bicycle 30 miles aday, hunted, fished, enjoyed life to the fullest, his glass was always half full.  In 2011 he had diabetes, and kidneys were failing ( fsgs)  On Feb.2, 2012 I donated one of my kidneys to him. Was successful, life was good again!  Then came 2017...2 back surgeries, heart attack, afib, pad, artery bypass, 2 groin surgeries, dehydrations, toenail removed, 2 toes removed, 5 toes plus part of foot, getting thinner and weaker each time, then horrific stomach pain, couldnt eat, back in hospital, gangrenous gallbladdar, too weak for surgery, he passed with me at his side on Sept 23, 2018.  I was devastated....I have lived thru every emotion others on this forum have. We all seem to find the same comforts, their clothes, their smells, the signs, crying, anger, guilt, relief that their suffering is over, etc. etc.  At 4 months out I feel that Im better some days only to be hit again out of the blue.....I am getting a new normal. I will love and miss him forever but I have no choice but to go on.  I show my love more to family and friends, some days I answer the phone,  some days I don't and I don't feel guilty, I do what I have to do to get me thru the day,  some days I make myself go to the store, visit my 92yr. old uncle, go to one of my sons ( hes the coach) basketball games,  and if I have a panic attack, its ok.  My faith is getting me through and I am no longer afraid of death because I know where Im going for eternity and that I will again see my Kevin.....and in the meantime I will plug along as we all are doing. My thoughts and prayers with all of you.

[Heart&Soul]

@jes I am so sorry for your loss.  It has been 3 months for me since my husband passed and I have to agree this is the hardest journey I have ever had to take.  The pain I feel in my heart is excruciating and the one person who could make it all better isn't here.  I find myself crying every day on my way home from work.  The house is so empty and lonely without him.  But your husband and you both went through so much and I am amazed at your strength and courage to face everything that you did.  I hope all of us can find some peace.  God bless.

[JES]

I am so sorry for your loss Heart &Soul. I retired early after his kidney transplant, because he wanted to spend time together. So now I sit all day alone in a big house without him. I know how you feel and 3 months isnt long. Some days I cry and some days I don't.  I have forgotten to mention that I do have our 2 Springer Spaniels that keep me company. Thank God for them.  So my house isnt totally empty and they also are a big help in this journey.  I hope you have pets or good support to help you at home also. 

[SSC]

I’m deeply sad for all of our losses.  This is something no one can ever prepare for.  The pain and sadness is so all consuming it makes it difficult to think clearly.  Who would have ever thought this would be what our life held for us?  I always dreamed of growing old with my husband. Taking care of each other into our 90’s,  holding each other’s hand until the end.  It’s so unfair.  Being alone at this time of life is not what I signed up for. It makes our grief that much worse.  You’re right Heart&Soul, the person who would comfort us and help make things better is gone.  Alone.  Totally alone. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

reflecting this morning and grasping at the thought that it's already been 17 months since my loss. September 24th, 2017.  Somehow I went back and remembered the 4 month mark  and  began comparing where I was then and where I am now. At 4 months I was still in shock as everything happened so suddenly. Today the shock of suddenly losing him roared its head. Suddenly my world changed as you are experiencing. I'm surrounded by the best support system yet in the end this is my journey alone. That brings to me and to others the reality of what is. Your loss is so fresh.

Even in the darkest moments there is the lightness that follows. For all those who are beginning this journey  please remember the darkness will give way to a lightness.  That thought process helps keep me afloat. We have to pass through the darkness to heal. 

It is the most difficult journey I've encountered.  I've often describe it as gut wrenching and excruciating. It leaves only to return.  There are rays of sunshine that do seep through the cracks.  Allow yourself to be open to receive. A moment of joy and light gives us the hope we need if even for a moment. 

Thoughts and prayers for all beginning this journey.

 

 

This is a very thoughtful post...it is so true, it's by far the hardest journey I've ever been on and nothing in the world could have prepared me for what I was to go through.  But looking back to where I was at a few months vs now...there's no comparison.  I hope it brings everyone hope that there IS a making your way through this, even though you can't see it now.  And we're all going through this together so I hope none of you feel alone in it.

[JES]

By reading these posts I do see alittle hope for the future. I see how peoples grief has evolved and think maybe mine will too.  I already see a difference in my grief from month 1, 2, 3, until now.  I had no appetite for 2 months, lost weight, down to 98#s, but I remember the exact day I started getting an appetite.  So many milestones already, I survived his birthday, the holidays, still many to come but the intense grief has lifted alittle. For the moment anyway. It hits in waves, tommorow may be a new wave. Thinking of you all in this sad journey of ours.

[Mystic]

I just hit the one year mark and it's been a rough road. I still cry every night as I'm lying in bed.  So many things still bring tears to my eyes. I can't bear knowing that I'll be spending the rest of my life without my love.  Somehow I'll have to learn to live without him but my heart isn't in it. Everyone here has my deepest sympathy.

[Brazil Man]

On 1/25/2019 at 5:45 PM, Mystic said:

I can't bear knowing that I'll be spending the rest of my life without my love.

Neither me. This is a reality which no one can accept.

[Sunflower2]

8 hours ago, Brazil Man said:

Neither me. This is a reality which no one can accept.

I pulled one quote from this thread but it follows with what many have expressed who are beginning this journey.

I find I'm moving back and forth with this in the recent months.  Its like if I accept this this new reality of him being gone, which he is physically gone,  then I'm losing my hold of his hand that I'm grabbing on so tightly. My visual. 

 

Just shared the simplicity of the tip of the feeling. I know you understand the depth and the intensity of the feeling.

  I understand it. I get the process.  It is the actual feeling of letting go of what was and accepting what is. His physical presence.  In my process I am using the phrase letting go in this stage of acceptance which I'm still floundering in.   It fits exactly where I am in my process. Letting go of that need to have his physical presence. To be holding his hand like a child with a balloon.  If I loosen the grip he will float away.    He's already floated away....another visual. 

He's here on other levels but at this moment I want him here physically. So for now I'm allowing myself to indulge in a few temper tantrums. I just miss him so so so much.  Yes I will work though this as we all will one day if we chose to. That total finality!

as always gentle thoughts are we you.  Sending a xo!  another visual  

[beaniele]

I pulled one quote from this thread but it follows with what many have expressed who are beginning this journey.
I find I'm moving back and forth with this in the recent months.  Its like if I accept this this new reality of him being gone, which he is physically gone,  then I'm losing my hold of his hand that I'm grabbing on so tightly. My visual. 
 
Just shared the simplicity of the tip of the feeling. I know you understand the depth and the intensity of the feeling.
  I understand it. I get the process.  It is the actual feeling of letting go of what was and accepting what is. His physical presence.  In my process I am using the phrase letting go in this stage of acceptance which I'm still floundering in.   It fits exactly where I am in my process. Letting go of that need to have his physical presence. To be holding his hand like a child with a balloon.  If I loosen the grip he will float away.    He's already floated away....another visual. 
He's here on other levels but at this moment I want him here physically. So for now I'm allowing myself to indulge in a few temper tantrums. [emoji4] I just miss him so so so much.  Yes I will work though this as we all will one day if we chose to. That total finality! [emoji20]
as always gentle thoughts are we you.  Sending a xo!  another visual [emoji4] 

I am at the same place. I want my darling husband physically here with me. I just can not understand all of this. I am just in a nightmare that never ends.

I wish all to find peace and sorry for all the loss.

Linda

[SSC]

@Sunflower2 I appreciate the “visuals”. I too am grappling with the letting go of my husband’s physical form.  3 months in and I still have this feeling of anticipation.  Like I’m waiting for something. But what? I don’t know... probably for my nightmare not to be real.  I know I’m not ready to let go of my husband’s presence.  Here’s my sad confession, I’ve made a pillow person of him.  I have a picture of him ironed on a pillowcase, I put that pillow on top of another pillow I’ve inserted into one of his sweatshirts.  I sleep next to it every night. I honestly feel that this is the only way I am able to get any sleep.  Pathetic, I know.

I wish I could send you all a hug.  This journey is horrible.

[JES]

Awww.....SSC........I think thats wonderful that you did that.  I'm 4 months and I still sniff  inside his hats....they still have his smell.   We have to do whatever helps us, I understand fully.  Blessing to you.

[Sunflower2]

3 hours ago, SSC said:

 I’ve made a pillow person of him.  I have a picture of him ironed on a pillowcase, I put that pillow on top of another pillow I’ve inserted into one of his sweatshirts.  I sleep next to it every night.

This is amazingly comforting and beautiful!  This works for you and you sharing this may give others new to this journey  a wonderful way of nurturing themselves through the pain.  an idea I may still try.  

@SSC I'm going into 17 months so it does take time.   I remember experiencing it a month into my loss.  It seems to weave in and out until we are ready to make peace with the loss of the physical being. Many times I do feel at peace with his new presence. It seems to becoming a more pronounced focus though the longer I move away from the initial moment I lost him so suddenly.  I do still fight it.  I acknowledge it  

In ending this post...

Grief never ends, but it changes. 

It's a passage, not a place to stay.  

Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith.

It is the price of love.  (Tiny Buddha)

So we keep going and not worrying about our speed.  We are making progress even if it doesn't seem like it. We need to remember that forward is forward no matter how slow.  Refuge In Grief 

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, SSC said:

Pathetic, I know.

No, it is not pathetic at all.  First, whatever we need to do to get us through cannot be pathetic; it really can't.  Second, having a tangible item for comfort is very common.  Our daughter, granddaughter, and I all wear sweaters and hoodies that belonged to my husband.  Especially for our granddaughter, who is 10, it's like a grandpa hug every time she snuggles into the fleece jacket he used to drape over her whenever we were out on an adventure and she got cold.  Our daughter wears his favorite hoodie all the time and I'm in one of his flannel shirts on most cold mornings or evenings (though I did shorten the sleeves--they were driving me crazy).

To be honest, I'm kind of envious of your wonderful idea.  See, even after 7 months, I have a horrible time getting to sleep in our bed.  I've developed a habit that's not so great for my sleep pattern.  If I just "go to bed," I toss and turn and can't stop my mind from going through all the things I should or shouldn't have done, so I keep the TV on low in the living room and let myself fall asleep on the sofa.  When I wake up in the middle of the night, I'm still half asleep and exhausted, so I drag myself to bed and am able to get back to sleep.  I tried again 2 nights ago to simply go to bed, but sure enough had trouble, even though I had taken my prescription medication.

I've kept my hubby's shampoo, face wash, and back scrubber in the shower and sometimes use them.  I close my eyes and can almost feel him with me when I breathe in the scents that were his.  (We have a shower big enough for two and, yes, we sometimes played together.)  I sat in his big recliner the other day just to take in his essence.  I'm even using his set of keys instead of my own.  Yeah, it can seem almost silly at times.  Almost.  But it gives me comfort, so I don't care what someone else might think.

Don't think of it as pathetic.  Think of it as taking comfort in the way that works for you.

[KayC]

I don't think it's pathetic either, it's clever and you've found a way to bring his presence to you, we all do this in some way or another, yes like JES sniffing his hats.  I hold his robe.  

[JES]

I don't think anything we do in our grief is pathetic....I've done it all.... everything that was his is still in its place and may be forever that way.  As far as the SMILE log, he made it last 2 months before he passed. He was so positive and believed he' d beat all the hurdles. I also have a log on my bathroom ledge that says " I Love you " that he gave me years ago.  He was definitely a romantic, kept the spark going. I have hundreds, mabbe thousands of little sticky note messages that he wrote to me in the 25 yrs.  I kept them all but so far I can't make myself go through them. Someday I will....so many memories. Blessing to all of you who are going through this.

[KayC]

Jes,

I too have the post it notes all over the place...he'd put it in the laundry cupboard, my closet, the kitchen cupboard, everywhere...he's put one where he knew I'd find it, only I never could bring myself to take them down, so now I have a home full of them.  I'm looking at one right now, in front of the computer hutch, it says I luv U more with his special smiley face.  Sure makes us miss them but also comforting to remember how much they loved us.

[SSC]

Kay, that is so sweet you’ve kept your husband’s notes up all over the house.  I LOVE that you keep them up.  It’s like he’s right there all the time.  What a beautiful reminder of your loving life together!

[foreverhis]

On 1/24/2019 at 10:25 PM, SSC said:

 I always dreamed of growing old with my husband. Taking care of each other into our 90’s,  holding each other’s hand until the end.  It’s so unfair.  Being alone at this time of life is not what I signed up for. It makes our grief that much worse.  You’re right Heart&Soul, the person who would comfort us and help make things better is gone.

That is so true.  My husband was 10 years older, so we always knew there was a good chance this would happen some day.  It wasn't supposed to be now.  I could have accepted it better if it was 10 or 15 years from now.  He was too young (71), even though he told me he felt "old" at the very end.  He'd fought and won against another cancer 15 years earlier and we've both had multiple health challenges over the past 20 years.  We could not believe we wouldn't triumph this time.  Ironically, the low dose radiation treatment he had 16 ago may have led to this second cancer, but there's no way to know.  I tell myself we were lucky that we had those 15 years and we were, but that doesn't make him being ripped away from me and our girls any easier to bear.  We envisioned being one of those cute old couples everyone looks at and says, "Oh, aren't they sweet." 

These days when I see an older couple clearly in their 80s or even 90s who are happy together and helping each other, my heart aches.  I'm not proud of this, but I'm envious that they got what we should have had.  It also angers me sometimes that his father lived into his 90s because his dad was not a nice man.  He wasn't evil or anything, but he wasn't honest, kind, loving, or considerate of others.  In his early teens, my hubby set out to be as unlike his dad as possible.  He succeeded in almost every way--they were both stubborn, but that's not really a flaw as long as it comes with the ability to compromise.  No one said life is fair, but it should be just and there is no justice in that.

I'm living alone for the first time in my life and I've realized it's not the being by myself that's the worst, it's that I'm alone without him.  He's not here to comfort me in my pain and grief like we were for each other for so many years.  There are days at a time where I don't talk to or see anyone at all.  The caring and support I have from our very small circle of family and friends helps.  I know I'm lucky to have that when so many others do not, but it doesn't remotely make up for my love, my best friend, my soulmate, my rock through all the hard times, truly my better half not being here with me.

My heart hurts for all of us who are living a life so different from what we planned and staring at a future that is nothing like what we used to envision.  Hugs to all.

[JES]

KayC.  I am also happy you have your little notes up all these years...its such a nice reminder of their love for us... and also proves we never forget them, that they stay in our hearts forever.  Foreverhis.  Yes it hurts not to have our soulmate there, others cannot even begin to fill that empty space. And 71yrs. is too young. It seems the good ones die young, and some of the crabby ones live forever.  I have hard times seeing happy couples also. I hate going to big stores because of it and use my little quiet corner market most of the time as its usually quick in and out, and not alot of couples.  My heart breaks for you and for all of us.  I never lived alone either but my dogs help me so much.  I call close friends sometimes 3 times a day just to talk and apologize for bugging them but so far they don't seem to mind. I have to be careful who I call though cause some will pop over right away, and I don't always want company.  I know, all we really want is our partner back....we want life the way it was with them and only them.  Prayers to help you along the way.... and hugs from me to you.

[Heart&Soul]

@foreverhis My husband was only 52 years old and I feel totally robbed of so many wonderful years we could of had together.  His father lost his wife (my husband's mother) when she was also 52 years old.  His father had a long life and lived to 84 years old and he never remarried or had a relationship with another woman.  I remember my father-in-law telling us that we were lucky that we had each other and the companionship because that is what he missed.  I felt comfort in the knowledge that we had each other and we would grow old together.  I don't want to live for the next 20-30 years without my best friend, my soul mate, my companion, my everything.  Every time I think of the future I get so much anxiety so I am resolved to live one day at a time (the advice a number of you recommend).  

@JES you are correct, the good ones always die young.  

I pray for all of us to find peace.

[beaniele]

20 minutes ago, Heart&Soul said:

@foreverhis My husband was only 52 years old and I feel totally robbed of so many wonderful years we could of had together.  His father lost his wife (my husband's mother) when she was also 52 years old.  His father had a long life and lived to 84 years old and he never remarried or had a relationship with another woman.  I remember my father-in-law telling us that we were lucky that we had each other and the companionship because that is what he missed.  I felt comfort in the knowledge that we had each other and we would grow old together.  I don't want to live for the next 20-30 years without my best friend, my soul mate, my companion, my everything.  Every time I think of the future I get so much anxiety so I am resolved to live one day at a time (the advice a number of you recommend).  

@JES you are correct, the good ones always die young.  

I pray for all of us to find peace.

My husband was 84, I am 64.  I feel robbed also, as I feel we had many years left to share.  I have been crying since Nov 16th.  It is so hard to lose your soul mate, best friend my everything, for 38 years.  

I am so sorry for all the loss and grief that comes with that loss.

I have a good grief therapist and will be joining a grief group that starts Feb. 6th.  I hope that might help me.

My sister has been my rock when she is able to be here.

Today has just been an awful day.

 

 

 

 

 

[foreverhis]

@Heart&Soul  I am so sad for you that you and your love didn't have the time you should have.  Sometimes I ask myself if I'm a selfish you-know-what for thinking 35 years wasn't "enough" and believing my hubby and I should have had the 50 years we wanted.  Then I realize that the years don't matter as much as the loss of our soulmates, our best friends, our everything.  No amount of time together could make that easier and no amount of time will change how we feel.

We're all here staring at a future we don't want and didn't expect.  I used to want to live a good long time because my love would be with me.  Like you, I no longer care about living another 20 or 30 years.  More than once I've begged my love to "come and get me" after I get all the legal stuff and home repairs/upgrades finished.  I know our girls deserve to have me around for a while longer, but I'm in so much emotional and physical pain that I wonder if maybe it's okay to be selfish and think of myself first.  I haven't considered simply ending it all because that's just not me (and my love would be POd as all get out), but I sure don't fear death any more and will welcome it when my time comes.

I have to believe he will be waiting for me and we will be reunited.  There's too much love between us for it to simply disappear.  I believe you and your love will have that too.  If only we can find the strength to wait--I've never been very good at that!

Big hugs to you.  I wish I could offer more than sympathy.

[SSC]

@Heart&Soul I understand where you’re coming from.  My husband was 53.  We had planned our lives so we knew what came next.. work this much longer til we can retire, put this much money in savings and 401K, pay this much more on the house to get it paid off before we retire.  Now none of that matters.  I even have to find a different job so I’ll have insurance.  My life has done a total 180.  I too get anxiety thinking about the future.  It doesn’t feel like I have anything to live for or any motivation to care.  20-30 years of missing my best friend and husband sounds unbearable. Sometimes I tell myself probably in a year I’ll die so I need to get stuff taken care of and spend time with my family and weirdly it makes me relieved and happy.  Like I know the suffering will end and I’ll get to see him again. It’s ridiculous but it sounds much better then 20+ years alone. 

[Brazil Man]

6 hours ago, SSC said:

20-30 years of missing my best friend and husband sounds unbearable.

Me too. When I look forward and see that I may live about 30 years without my wife I get desperate.

[BrokenHeartedinMD]

If looking at pictures, keeping and smelling old clothing, hugging pillows, etc, is weird, consider me a freak. I am doing all of that and it gives me tremendous comfort. My wife had such a beautiful scent - I would brush her hair and the smell of her hair and skin was intoxicating. I spray her perfume on her pillows and hug them when I wake up crying in the middle of the night. I figure if that's all I have left of her here in the physical world I am going to cling to it until I can come to terms with this nightmare.

[SSC]

14 minutes ago, BrokenHeartedinMD said:

If looking at pictures, keeping and smelling old clothing, hugging pillows, etc, is weird, consider me a freak. I am doing all of that and it gives me tremendous comfort. My wife had such a beautiful scent - I would brush her hair and the smell of her hair and skin was intoxicating. I spray her perfume on her pillows and hug them when I wake up crying in the middle of the night. I figure if that's all I have left of her here in the physical world I am going to cling to it until I can come to terms with this nightmare.

I love this!  I have my pillow person of my husband and it has helped me greatly.  Last night I talked to him (pillow). For a good while, it helps ease the pain.  Do what you’re doing.  It’s not hurting anything or anyone and it helps you keep closer to her.  

[SSC]

6 hours ago, Brazil Man said:

Me too. When I look forward and see that I may live about 30 years without my wife I get desperate.

This is why Kay, our therapists and those who have been through this horrible journey  say “one day at a time”. If we think too far ahead we get overwhelmed.  In the beginning it was one moment at a time.  So we’re making progress. One day at a time we can control and manage.  The future we cannot. Take care of you Brazil Man.

[KayC]

Thios may sound weird but I love reading you all's posts about your spouse, we are the ones here with the testament to love, we had it, we have it still it just feels somewhat out of reach sometimes because we don't have them physically to hold now, but the love is still there on both sides.  I, too, loved my husband's scent, I wish I could buy a bottle of it but alas it wasn't cologne, it was him.  

Try not to worry about how many years you have left, stay in today as much as you can and look for something good in each day, no matter how fleeting or small, nothing is too insignificant to count.  I talk to my husband, I little care if anyone thinks I'm crazy, besides, from what I've learned most of us do!  
In time hopefully you'll build a life you can live, it won't be like life before was, but something better than today seems, I've made friends and joined some groups and interests that give me some routine, some time out of the house, some interaction with others, it all helps.  And I have my dog and cat to come home to so at least someone else to interact with, it's kind of surprising how much incentive they bring to my life to keep going.