Did I love her enough?

[loveboo]

Anyone thought this?

This question keeps repeating over and over in my head.  Did I love my wife, the sweetest person I've ever met, as much as she deserved?  As much as she loved me?

I don't think I did.  I can't help but think I took her for granted a lot of times thinking I'd have time to make it up to her later.

What a huge mistake.

[Glolilly]

We can't know the outcome before it happens. As humans we have the mental capacity to look back or in the past. It's like I cherish my aloe Vera drink I have right now but if falls over and spills, I would probably say I should have watched or enjoyed it more. Should have is to me like saying what if I had done this or that better. I feel it's part of grieving and trying to make sure we honored and loved on what is now gone. I pray you find peace in knowing you did all your best at the time like we all probably occasionally reflect on. All we have are those past memories and it does hurt right now for so many of us. If I had of known I probably would have put more loving time into him along with more stress of knowing too much about the future. So it all balance out in a strange way to me. 

[Moment2moment]

Don't put yourself through this. Of course you loved her as much as humanly possible. Second guessing situations or attitudes is part of grieving. 

Let it go and focus on the wonderful ways that you showed love and support. The very fact that you question whether you loved her enough shows what a loving caring person you are.

There is no good that comes from beating yourself up over the past. You did the best you could at the time. Time to rest now and find peace with it all.

And I speak from agonizing over similar.  That is all I want to share about my situation. I know it is hard to be where you are.

[Brazil Man]

9 hours ago, loveboo said:

I can't help but think I took her for granted a lot of times thinking I'd have time to make it up to her later.

I also took my wife for granted. Now that she is gone and understand how great is my love for her.  

[SSC]

Everyday I torture myself with this.  I KNOW if I would have been a more of a doting partner to my husband he would still be here with me.  If I would have touched him more.  Kissed him more.  Told him more how much I love him.  He would still be alive. I slipped and had a bad few days where I was mad at a situation.  I was so upset that I didn’t realize my husband was absorbing my anger,  feeling it was all directed toward him.  It wasn’t, but I didn’t let him know that.  My last words to him were about where I’d written our passwords to our bank accounts.  This tears me up inside.  He never gave me the chance to make things right before he took his life.  I was always there for him but not at the moment when he needed me the most.  How can I ever make up for that?  I can’t.  I have so many regrets.  I can barely think about it sometimes before I’m a blubbering mess.

[Spengler]

Taking people, and blessings, for granted is part of a normal coping mechanism when we have too much going on in our lives, too many trivial distractions. When we lose the person we love we realize that there was something fundamentally wrong, not with us, but with the way we were living. Did I love him/her enough? Yes, you most certainly did. But, you didn't pay enough attention to what was important. You let yourself forget how precious and fragile life is.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, SSC said:

Everyday I torture myself with this.  I KNOW if I would have been a more of a doting partner to my husband he would still be here with me.  If I would have touched him more.  Kissed him more.  Told him more how much I love him.  He would still be alive. I slipped and had a bad few days where I was mad at a situation.  I was so upset that I didn’t realize my husband was absorbing my anger,  feeling it was all directed toward him.  It wasn’t, but I didn’t let him know that.  My last words to him were about where I’d written our passwords to our bank accounts.  This tears me up inside.  He never gave me the chance to make things right before he took his life.  I was always there for him but not at the moment when he needed me the most.  How can I ever make up for that?  I can’t.  I have so many regrets.  I can barely think about it sometimes before I’m a blubbering mess.

My heart breaks for you, reading this.  You could not have known, none of us know what will happen, and if we had, that would have changed the context, but we didn't.  He knows now.  Be good to yourself, you're really going through a lot.  (((hugs)))

[HPB]

5 hours ago, SSC said:

"This tears me up inside.  He never gave me the chance to make things right..."  "I was always there for him but not at the moment when he needed me the most.  How can I ever make up for that?"

I posted the following quote before to somebody else in a similar context, I hope you find it helpful:

"If you have regrets in regard to people who have passed on; unkind words you had wished you had not spoken, or kind words left unsaid, speak of them in the silence of your mind, or write them out, and know they will be heard and understood by those for whom they were intended. In this way, you can serve the purpose of Love and in this way serve your own real purpose in this life and in the next. ..."

Taken from: Afterlife Adventures, by William Fergus Martin

(originally posted here: https://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/13512-cant-take-my-mind-off-the-times-we-argued/&tab=comments#comment-176384)

 

[Pim]

Dear loveboo,

since my Rob passed away I have had many regrets and many doubts, even though everyone is saying I did all I could for him and even more than is humanly possible.

Still, the regrets and doubts linger. What I find is that it is very helpful to speak out loud and ask for forgiveness. State that you behaved in a certain way in a certain situation, you may also add the reason why you did this, and then say you are sorry and ask for forgiveness.

So to make this less abstract the following is an example of what I have said to Rob: "Dear Rob, the weekend before you died, after I spent the night with you in the nursing home, I didn't wait to have breakfast together that Sunday morning, because I had an appointment with friends (which I didn't go to in the end because I was so messed up). Please know that this had nothing to do with you. You didn't say anything wrong. You did nothing wrong. It was just that I was so stressed, and so in need of time that I skipped our breakfast together. Perhaps I also could not bear the strain anymore, since you were in such bad health. I am glad though that I saw you again that evening. But if your feelings were hurt, even though I explained afterwards, please forgive me. I am truly sorry. Please forgive me. I love you."

Strange as it may seem, this really helps me.

 

Love, Pim

 

[floyd11554]

I think we can all relate to what you are feeling.  It is easy to immediately second guess everything  and every move you made while you were together and if you did enough now that all you have is time to think about it.  

I torture myself with this every day as I never got to marry my significant other.  I wish I would have had that chance to stand by her side as someone said I now pronounce you husband and wife.  I never got to put a ring on her finger and say I do.  Those eat at me every day but I try not to understand that I can't change the past and it doesn't change the wonderful eight years we spent together. 

 

 

[SSC]

@HPB

thank you very much for the quote.  I also went back and read the original post.  It brought me some comfort and I so appreciate that.  Is this from a book you’ve  read? Would you recommend it?  

[foreverhis]

@loveboo  I think most of us have those scary thoughts.  We all take for granted that we'll have more time, more chances.  I know my husband and I did.  If I had a do-over, I'd be kinder, more considerate, more understanding, more loving.  I'd just be more for him and would never have taken him or our lives for granted.  Unfortunately, we are all flawed human beings who will never be perfect in this life. 

I have to catch myself when I put my love on a pedestal.  He had his flaws and made his share of mistakes.  He was stubborn, could be impatient, and sometimes didn't talk about how he felt.  He left piles of papers, designs, and books here and there, and had a terrible habit of leaving puddles of water on the sinks when he washed his hands.  But he was also the kindest, most honest, generous man I've ever known.  He was an amazing father and grandfather.  Did I make sure he knew I loved him often enough?  Probably not.  But I showed him in the way I took care of him and our home; he showed it in the way he protected us and how he pitched in doing chores without being asked.  We did things for each other just because we knew it would make the other happy, but we should have said the words "I love you" more often.  We all should say those words more often.  In fact, all of us in the family have taken to saying it to each other every time we talk and in ending every email or text because we have a devastating reminder that the chance may not come again.

The last words I said to my husband were, "I love you."  What I wish is that I could remember his last words to me.  He'd been on comfort care for a few days and was pretty out of it that last day.  But I know he loved me and that will have to be enough until I see him again.

We can all do better and we all have regrets that we didn't.

[BrokenHeartedinMD]

Loveboo...try to focus on the good memories. Remember the times where your love shined through. My wife and I were inseparable and told each other we loved each other all the time,. She told me frequently that I was the best husband she could have ever hoped for but I have also thought maybe I could have loved her more or done more. It must be part of the grief process for us to question that. May God Bless you and comfort you and comfort all on this thread who may be having any guilt/doubts/regrets.