Members BetsyD Posted January 12, 2019 Members Report Posted January 12, 2019 It just doesn’t get any better…in fact, it gets harder every day. While I guess my “intellectual” brain told me that time would help me find a way to deal with losing my beloved Tom, my “real” brain is telling me I was an idiot to think that way. I got through the holidays, as hard as they were, with the distractions of family drama and trying to keep old traditions while starting some new ones. I tried to focus on helping my children and on hugging my little grandson. But now, the holidays are over, the distracting in-laws have returned to their faraway homes and…here I am. A friend of mind told me she was glad I was finding joy in my ten month old grandson. Of course I am, he is wonderful and smiley and happy and I love him and he loves me right back…but then, when I leave his house, I come home to…empty. The joy is fleeting. I find myself becoming more incapable of doing what needs to be done around the house other than taking care of my pets…they are my daily focus and I will never abandon their care. But I am procrastinating in terms of my work, my chores, my daily routines and I find myself staring and bursting into tears more and more. Perhaps the fact that more time has passed has branded the permanency of Tom’s loss in my brain? Perhaps somehow my acceptance is becoming more concrete? I know it has only been less than 9 months since he so suddenly drew his last breath, and after 40 years with him how can that blink of time begin to sink in? My “intellectual” brain tells me I should be doing better. My friends and my family tell me how amazing I am, how they admire me, how much I have accomplished in such a short time…maybe some of that is true. I made sure I “took care of business” – my Tom always told me that in times of crisis you had to take care of what had to be done and break down later. I guess this is my “later”. Just sad beyond belief.
Moderators KayC Posted January 12, 2019 Moderators Report Posted January 12, 2019 Oh my dear Betsy, I hope you'll tell your intellectual brain that you are doing as well as you can be expected to! This is such a hard thing to navigate and adjust to. Nine months seems like both forever when you're in it, and a blink of an eye in the span of time...but it's not enough time to gauge anything by, and as you say, you did spend forty years together. I hope you can be easy on yourself. You talk about your joy being fleeting, that's how it is for me even after all these years. Yes, we still come home to an empty house. I have a dog and a cat to keep me company, but I know even that time is numbered as they're aging (large dog is 11, already exceeded life expectancy, cat nearly 24) and I'll be adjusting to a very quiet empty house once more. Sometimes I wonder how much more one can take, but I keep going, what's the alternative! I've learned to enjoy the fleeting joy while it lasts and try to make the best of things, what else can we do. You are doing the best you can, I hope you pat yourself on the back from the rest of us, it's all you can do.
Members Brazil Man Posted January 13, 2019 Members Report Posted January 13, 2019 For me too, BetsyD. The loss of my wife is getting harder to cope as time goes by. It's 7 1/2 months since I lost her. My heart goes out to you.
Members tlc Posted January 13, 2019 Members Report Posted January 13, 2019 Yes, me too. Just trying to keep breathing and take one moment at a time. I think that I am beginning to find some peace in the solitude that is my new life. Like being in solitary confinement. Time for reflection. Finding one's inner resources. I don't know... still working my way through this!
Members Moment2moment Posted January 13, 2019 Members Report Posted January 13, 2019 15 hours ago, BetsyD said: It just doesn’t get any better…in fact, it gets harder every day. While I guess my “intellectual” brain told me that time would help me find a way to deal with losing my beloved Tom, my “real” brain is telling me I was an idiot to think that way. I got through the holidays, as hard as they were, with the distractions of family drama and trying to keep old traditions while starting some new ones. I tried to focus on helping my children and on hugging my little grandson. But now, the holidays are over, the distracting in-laws have returned to their faraway homes and…here I am. A friend of mind told me she was glad I was finding joy in my ten month old grandson. Of course I am, he is wonderful and smiley and happy and I love him and he loves me right back…but then, when I leave his house, I come home to…empty. The joy is fleeting. I find myself becoming more incapable of doing what needs to be done around the house other than taking care of my pets…they are my daily focus and I will never abandon their care. But I am procrastinating in terms of my work, my chores, my daily routines and I find myself staring and bursting into tears more and more. Perhaps the fact that more time has passed has branded the permanency of Tom’s loss in my brain? Perhaps somehow my acceptance is becoming more concrete? I know it has only been less than 9 months since he so suddenly drew his last breath, and after 40 years with him how can that blink of time begin to sink in? My “intellectual” brain tells me I should be doing better. My friends and my family tell me how amazing I am, how they admire me, how much I have accomplished in such a short time…maybe some of that is true. I made sure I “took care of business” – my Tom always told me that in times of crisis you had to take care of what had to be done and break down later. I guess this is my “later”. Just sad beyond belief. I too am 8 months out and I get what you are saying. I don't have children or such but I have friends that I have inserted myself into as family and they have little ones that I keep up with. I have 2 senior dogs, one a recent rescue that has special needs. I derive a lot of love and fulfillment from these relationships and I cultivate them through phone calls and just being connected. This all helps give me a purpose and connectedness and keeps me focused and not feeling so alone. Get involved, reach out, invite a friend out for breakfast or coffee. Don't isolate. That only increases the "wallow factor". Also i see a grief counselor and work a part time job where I get out 3 days a week doing something happy and among people. It brings great joy and normalcy. I am a strong believer in having a plan to cope and get through this grief stuff. Sometimes it helps, sometimes not. If you read my posts here you've seen me have a meltdown on days that trigger my deepest darkest sadness, but I am learning from others here how to get through. I am learning how to focus and do self care and break out of isolation. Helping others helps me help myself too. Planning social interactions helps. Talking to my partner helps. Asking for strength and inner peace helps. Finding purpose in my life now is my constant goal as I was a caregiver for about 4 years. Doing things for fun helps: listen to music, sing out loud, read a good book, watch a funny movie, cook up something for yourself in the kitchen, take the dogs to the park, go for a drive. Main point is to be proactive for yourself and try to start to live again. It is hard. Damn hard. But it is the only way out of the darkness of grief and they would want it for us. They do. They are now free and whole and at peace. They want us to be also. Everyday is a gift and you have so much yet to offer the world. You are not alone. Try to make today better for you than yesterday. Be strong and know it will get easier to not fall into that dark grief hole as often. Give yourself a break. You are right where you are supposed to be. It is hard. No one but people in our shoes get that. I am living proof that it does get better in jumps and bumps. I highly recommend a grief counselor. It helps to have someone to cry and rant and even tell your story to and get total support and affirmation. Keep the faith-don't lose hope-better times ahead One day, one moment at a time- Love, Lily Bell
Members BetsyD Posted January 25, 2019 Author Members Report Posted January 25, 2019 On 1/13/2019 at 3:34 AM, Moment2moment said: I highly recommend a grief counselor. It helps to have someone to cry and rant and even tell your story to and get total support and affirmation. Keep the faith-don't lose hope-better times ahead One day, one moment at a time- @Moment2momentSo, on Wednesday night this past week I decided to take your advice and I went to a grief support group facilitated by the local non-profit hospice organization. The group is open to anyone who has lost a loved one, not just those who have been involved with that hospice organization. There were 12 people there, each of whom had lost a partner. Some within the past two months, some as long as five years ago. I have never felt more welcomed, more at ease and more supported (outside of family) than I did in that short hour and half. Thank you thank you for your advice, Lily Bell. I love you too. Betsy
Members Moment2moment Posted January 25, 2019 Members Report Posted January 25, 2019 1 hour ago, BetsyD said: @Moment2momentSo, on Wednesday night this past week I decided to take your advice and I went to a grief support group facilitated by the local non-profit hospice organization. The group is open to anyone who has lost a loved one, not just those who have been involved with that hospice organization. There were 12 people there, each of whom had lost a partner. Some within the past two months, some as long as five years ago. I have never felt more welcomed, more at ease and more supported (outside of family) than I did in that short hour and half. Thank you thank you for your advice, Lily Bell. I love you too. Betsy So happy for you! I hope if you are so inclined that you can also see an individual counselor through that hospice. I have not been to a group yet, but I might look at that at some point. It is so life-giving, at least for me, to know that I have that time set aside just for me to work on my issues and talk about my partner and the pain of losing her. So glad you went!
Moderators KayC Posted January 26, 2019 Moderators Report Posted January 26, 2019 http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.htmlhttp://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/04/finding-grief-support-that-is-right-for.htmlhttps://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/11/grief-support-groups-what-are-benefits.htmlhttps://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-support-groups-positives-and-pitfalls/ I'm so glad you found a good grief support group! A grief counselor can help us find our way through this maze of grief, many of us start with one at the beginning of our journey. Sometimes it might take trying two or three to find the one that resonates best with you. Grief support groups are all run different so again it might take trying a couple to find the right one for you...but also the timing can make a difference. I've had some people tell me they weren't ready to try one at first, they wanted to wait a few months first, but again,this is individual and can vary. I hope the articles listed her can help you figure out what is right for you as you consider these options. I know I have really enjoyed my grief support group and we have become supportive friends through this.
Members Djh0901kc Posted January 31, 2019 Members Report Posted January 31, 2019 I’m at 18 months now since I lost my wife and it isn’t any easier now. Perhaps harder. More real. More depressing. I don’t have any advice other than to stick with your support group. I hope they can help you make it through. Wishing you good thoughts.
Members Sunflower2 Posted January 31, 2019 Members Report Posted January 31, 2019 33 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said: Perhaps harder. More real. More depressing. The reality that he is gone and that the distance is increasing since our last moments we were physically together. Those last moments when we were engaging in a conversation. The last moments when I could just reach out and touch him. That distance, that reality can be crippling. I'm will, with every breath and determination, carry his energy within my soul and experience that wholeness of me again. Different but a new wholeness.
Members JES Posted January 31, 2019 Members Report Posted January 31, 2019 I get it...just when you feel abit better the grief and missing them comes back stronger. I couldnt even post yesterday, Im exhausted, everything seems to be hard work. Ive lost interest in things I loved before. My upstairs is half painted, why finish when hes not here to admire it. Ugggg.... I do think the winter weather doesnt help....have been in house 5 days because of snow and now extreme cold. I try to be a positive person and today alittle better but its so hard....
Members Djh0901kc Posted February 1, 2019 Members Report Posted February 1, 2019 14 hours ago, Sunflower2 said: The reality that he is gone and that the distance is increasing since our last moments we were physically together. Those last moments when we were engaging in a conversation. The last moments when I could just reach out and touch him. That distance, that reality can be crippling. I'm will, with every breath and determination, carry his energy within my soul and experience that wholeness of me again. Different but a new wholeness. Yes that’s it. It’s the distance from those last moments when I was whole.
Moderators KayC Posted February 1, 2019 Moderators Report Posted February 1, 2019 14 hours ago, JES said: I do think the winter weather doesnt help....have been in house 5 days because of snow and now extreme cold. I hope it lets up for you soon. We're going to have snow all next week, I just got over the isolation from being sick two weeks, now this. My heart goes out to those in the midwest and on the east coast, I've never known cold like that. -12 is the coldest I've been in.
Members BetsyD Posted February 1, 2019 Author Members Report Posted February 1, 2019 On 1/26/2019 at 8:11 AM, KayC said: the timing can make a difference. I think I needed all the time between my tragedy and when I started to kind of process and spend time in introspection. This group is facilitated by the local non-profit hospice. It is not religious, is not involved in workbooks or exercises and one can attend as many or as few sessions as one wants...for as long as one wants. I felt welcomed and very supported. There were people there who had lost their partners anywhere from two months to five years ago, so everyone "gets it"...they also meet for occasional breakfasts or trips to the theater etc., so have found non-judgmental and supportive friendships. I will go back next Wednesday and see if I feel the same way as I did last week. Hugs to all. 5 hours ago, Djh0901kc said: the distance is increasing since our last moments we were physically together. Today marks a year that Tom said he didn't feel so hot. It seems like an eternity that I was able to look into his eyes and hold his hand. Today I saw our little grandson try to walk for the first time, and I started to cry because I was so sad Tom couldn't be there to experience that moment. It just all plain sucks.
Moderators KayC Posted February 2, 2019 Moderators Report Posted February 2, 2019 I'm glad the support group went well and hope it's only better next time! It really helps to have people who get it, and I appreciate so much the friendships I've forged with other widows.
Members BetsyD Posted February 3, 2019 Author Members Report Posted February 3, 2019 On 2/2/2019 at 7:29 AM, KayC said: It really helps to have people who get it, and I appreciate so much the friendships I've forged with other widows. I agree..But I cannot deal with the "w" word. I just can't bear it. Perhaps it is childish denial, perhaps it presents a picture of loneliness that I can't bear. I cannot circle the word on health forms or tax forms. I will always be his wife. I just don't have him with me at my side. I want to forge friendships with people whose company I will enjoy or do enjoy. But yes, having people who "get it" is awesome!
Members Sunflower2 Posted February 3, 2019 Members Report Posted February 3, 2019 1 hour ago, BetsyD said: I want to forge friendships with people whose company I will enjoy or do enjoy the key is being with those people you enjoy and feel an uplifting inspiring presence of energy. I do many of my activities spontaneously. This helps me tremendously in being with just the right energy flow and support I need at that time. I have found my strongest and uplifting inspiring support actually coming from people who have not experienced a loss of a partner and they get it! My loss is acknowledged and honored in the way that supports my journey forward. So reach out beyond too. Go wherever you need to go to heal and receive inspiring support. The journey though continues to be ours alone.
Members BetsyD Posted February 3, 2019 Author Members Report Posted February 3, 2019 8 minutes ago, Sunflower2 said: Go wherever you need to go to heal and receive inspiring support. In addition to returning to the grief support group this week, I have decided to join a choral group comprised of ALL TYPES of people...I had heard some of the testimonies from people who joined, one of which was from a lady who "suddenly found herself alone in life but who found a caring family by joining the group"...I tried it out last week and found that to be true. So, although my beloved Tom won't be in the audience, I will be doing something I love to do and something that brought joy to us both. I am hoping that the combination of the support group and the chorus will give me some healing and strength...maybe even some fun. Also, one of the people (outside of the family) who has stood by me through thick and thin with all of this is my "sister by choice" friend back in Florida. I know she is there for me and with me and she and her husband have been together for 30 years. So it is true, sometimes true support comes from people who haven't been through it but who know me well enough to "get it". Thank you, @Sunflower2, as always. My heart is with you always.
Members Sunflower2 Posted February 4, 2019 Members Report Posted February 4, 2019 @BetsyD a beautiful and inspiring share. The blend! You are doing something you love!!!! It made me smile. I haven't discovered that yet. That's ok too!. I do re-visit former passions but the spark isn't there. They were independent joys and passions that previously had been part of my tapestry. The fun that always blended into my career and my relationship too. The joy spilled over. I've always looked at age as a state of mind but turning 70 I've done so many things that I have thoroughly loved and enjoyed. I've always moved forward in doing different things. It is finding a new spark. I'll find it.
Members BetsyD Posted February 4, 2019 Author Members Report Posted February 4, 2019 14 minutes ago, Sunflower2 said: I've always looked at age as a state of mind I always say I am a young person in an old body, LOL...I get that 100%. I am turning 69 this year, so I get it. @Sunflower2you will find your spark...or re-find it. I, for one, have faith in that. Sending hugs.
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