My Apologies

[HPB]

With adding my comment "I completely agree, Bradley", I was recently quoting a post from @bradley1985 because I had an interest in a specific aspect he brought up in an old thread from StevenKelly.

Quote:

"... It is the fact she died.   I feel incredibly sorry for her sometimes and while people tell me she would want me to go on living I want to ask them "how do you know?" or "Did you get a message from her saying so?"  Frankly, I also disagree with people.  If the roles were reversed and my wife was in this kind of pain and I was having a jolly time in heaven I think I would say "come on up!"  Why would I plead with her to stay in pain?  Makes no sense to me. ..."

(https://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/11213-9-months/&tab=comments#comment-152001)

After my post was addressed in a very limited way, the following discussion on the thread "derailed" quickly to another topic. I honestly got very frustrated about this perceived ignorance, and this let me to an unjustified overreaction by dropping a few hostile and possible hurtful lines of anger. (To limit the damage made, I considered it later better to delete all my posts in this thread.)

My disturbance caused irritation and possibly hurt even more forum members that have stayed silently in the background, and I'm very sorry about that.

I'm very glad that the harmony in the forum came back as quickly as it was partly gone one week ago.

All forum members that I hurt please accept my sincere apologies.

 

[KayC]

@HPB  All is well and I am glad to see you posting again, none of us intended to hurt each other, that's not what this forum is about.  

[Djh0901kc]

I don’t know what any of this is about but I’ll say I hate when people tell me Kayla would want me to enjoy life or whatever. What do they know? I think she would want me with her. 

[Moment2moment]

19 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I don’t know what any of this is about but I’ll say I hate when people tell me Kayla would want me to enjoy life or whatever. What do they know? I think she would want me with her. 

When I hear that type of comment I just let it go and accept it as a well meaning comment. People just don't know what to say sometimes. They just want to demonstrate support in some way. Not meant to be harmful or mean. 

Its the ones who shun or ignore me because I am grieving that disturb me somewhat. I say "somewhat" because I am not going to waste any of my energy on them. They aren't true friends anyway.

I found out who our are true friends and worthwhile family members were through her illness and after she died. I can count them on one hand. The coldness and apathy was shocking and hurtful. 

A topic maybe for another thread- how people dump us in bereavement. 

[HPB]

3 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

Its the ones who shun or ignore me because I am grieving that disturb me somewhat. I say "somewhat" because I am not going to waste any of my energy on them. They aren't true friends anyway.

I found out who our are true friends and worthwhile family members were through her illness and after she died. I can count them on one hand. The coldness and apathy was shocking and hurtful. 

It is as you describe it, similar situation here of being abandoned by people I thought I could count on. 

Just "bad luck" that we belong to this sad club, the club of the bereft. Unfortunately it seems to be an automatic reflex what others "do"; when people are confronted with something that seems too hard to bear, it overwhelms them and they just turn away from it. A kind of self protection program. 

May I refer again to C.S. Lewis' observations:

Quote (from https://freeditorial.com/en/books/a-grief-observed [page10]) :

"...An  odd  byproduct  of my  loss  is  that  I’m  aware  of  being  an  embarrassment to  everyone  I  meet...."  "..Perhaps  the bereaved  ought  to  be  isolated  in  special  settlements like lepers. To  some  I’m  worse  than  an  embarrassment.  I  am a  death’s  head."

End of Quote.

We being a death's head  ..I think this is a big part of what causes other people to shun or to ignore us.

- -

Since I appreciate the forthright way of expressing his pain (and anger), I'm tempted to put another short quote from Bradley which depicts the basic dilemma in a sarcastic way :

Quote:

" I know it sounds sick but there is a part of me that wants everyone to lose their spouse or child so finally we can ALL be in this together and the whole world can have this experience. "

(https://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/10881-lost-my-33-year-old-wife-six-months-out/&page=3&tab=comments#comment-154182)

Of course the statement above is not meant seriously, neither Bradley, nor me nor anybody else really wishes others to suffer the same horrible fate we find ourselves in, but it points in an exaggerated way to what the problem is: Unless somebody is suffering the loss of his own partner, she/he will never understand how unbearable it is to be in our shoes, and how much it adds to our pain when they dump us (out of their lives).

 

One more thing,   ...going back to Bradleys initial quote/topic of "come on up!" :

A while back in time I had a short dream of my wife, the only thing I remember is that she was telling me loud and clear the following:  "Come to me!"

I was waking up instantly and felt somehow very relieved after this "invitation"...