Unexpected Loss of my Wife

[ksiemb]

Two days from now, on January 11th  it will be one  terrible year of grief since I  lost my beloved wife and soul mate of 40 years.  I pray for her departed Soul every morning, I find my self talking to her through out the day, and I have created a computer journal where I tell her every day how much she is loved and missed and that she will never be forgotten so long as I live.  These last two things help to ease the hurt, as I am doing them. I know I will never recover from this loss. I have asked our Savior to take me, so that I can once again be with my Wife, provided he will show me mercy, and I am worthy of Heaven

[SSC]

@ksiemb

i lost my husband unexpectedly as well.  It has been only 3 months for me and I still have a difficult time believing it has really happened.  I am beyond sad that I was never able to tell him how much I love him.  Unexpected loss can leave unresolved feelings.  That’s partially what I’m dealing with.  You’re at year one and you are still wishing to join her.  I want this as well and ask for it daily.  I was hoping the pain would lessen and wouldn’t make me feel the only way to have any reprieve is to find my way to him.  Do you have any caring family or friends that you can talk to?  I also think it’s wonderful that you talk to your wife.  It keeps you aware of your infinite love.  I am so very sorry for your loss.  This is such a difficult thing to go through. 

[ksiemb]

22 minutes ago, SSC said:

@ksiemb

i lost my husband unexpectedly as well.  It has been only 3 months for me and I still have a difficult time believing it has really happened.  I am beyond sad that I was never able to tell him how much I love him.  Unexpected loss can leave unresolved feelings.  That’s partially what I’m dealing with.  You’re at year one and you are still wishing to join her.  I want this as well and ask for it daily.  I was hoping the pain would lessen and wouldn’t make me feel the only way to have any reprieve is to find my way to him.  Do you have any caring family or friends that you can talk to?  I also think it’s wonderful that you talk to your wife.  It keeps you aware of your infinite love.  I am so very sorry for your loss.  This is such a difficult thing to go through. 

SSC - Oh Lord, do I know EXACTLY what you are going through. Especially the part of not being able to say I love you, or I am sorry for something. And we all experience that. We also will ponder for  quite some time, things left unsaid and undone, and wish we had more time to rectify it. I try to remember my Wife as often as I can because when one does, the departed person is in your heart and therefore always close to you. I have Copied my Wife's favorite Verse hoping it calms you as you read it, as it has always calmed me. Peace be with you always. Ken

I'm Free
Don't Grieve for me, for now I am free
I'm following the path God laid for me,
I took his hand when I heard him call
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day
To laugh to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way
I found that place at close of day.
If my parting has left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss
Ah yet, these things I too shall miss.
Be not Burdened with times of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me
God wanted me now, he set me free.
Author Unknown
 

[Sunflower2]

43 minutes ago, SSC said:

i lost my husband unexpectedly as well.  It has been only 3 months for me and I still have a difficult time believing it has really happened.  I am beyond sad that I was never able to tell him how much I love him.  Unexpected loss can leave unresolved feelings.

@ksiemb@SSCThe unexpected, sudden loss was very traumatic and shocking for me.  one second everything is in full swing and within a fraction of a second they are gone.   If only we had that one last moment to say I love you.  That one last moment for me to nestle in my safe space when I needn't that place to just be.  We didn't need time for amends. Just enough time to say I love you and maybe share even a giggle. Yes a giggle that was us. I miss us.  

Today is his birthday. My morning was reflective, curled up in front of a fireplace, with my journal and my thoughts.  In writing I mentioned to him "that the shock is not as constant and deeply painful as it was."   Just feeling and writing it  brought a glimmer of hope and belief that in time it will be even less intense. I'm not there yet and that is so ok.  There is still sadness and much grief and moments wondering how am I going to make it.  Somehow we do. The shock is lighter.  I still wake up occasionally with the flashback of that day but it isn't every night now.   September 24, 2017 was the day my being completely shattered.  Sharing this is to show that given time the shock does inch its may into a lighter less intense less shocking space within us. 

I'm findng a weighted blanket helps me when I need those strong arms around me or when I just need to cocoon in my healing space.  I find the weight settling and comforting.

Be kind and know what you are experiencing does factor deeply and painfully into our being when the loss is sudden.

[ksiemb]

When we lose our loved ones we are left to ponder whether they have any recollection in their new life, of those they left behind in their prior life on Earth.  Along with the grief that descends upon us who are left behind, this added uncertainty does not help. I pray that anyone, anyone who has ever been left behind, can find peace and comfort in knowing that our Savior who forgives the sins of  the world, has wrapped his arms around them and whispered "Come to me"

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

Just enough time to say I love you and maybe share even a giggle. Yes a giggle that was us. I miss us.

This I understand.  Even in the hardest of times, my husband and I could find a moment to chuckle or be silly.  The man could also make me laugh even when I didn't want to.  I'd say, "You just ruined my perfectly good snit!" and he'd reply, "Yes, I know." and grin.

I'm sending you thoughts of comfort and peace for your difficult day today.

[loveboo]

6 hours ago, ksiemb said:

When we lose our loved ones we are left to ponder whether they have any recollection in their new life, of those they left behind in their prior life on Earth.  Along with the grief that descends upon us who are left behind, this added uncertainty does not help. I pray that anyone, anyone who has ever been left behind, can find peace and comfort in knowing that our Savior who forgives the sins of  the world, has wrapped his arms around them and whispered "Come to me"

Lost my wife close to four weeks ago.  She passed away a day after giving birth to our little girl.  The part that I am really having trouble with is that she was so excited about being a mother and she did so much during the pregnancy to make sure that the baby was healthy, even deciding to give birth naturally with no pain meds. Yet this happened.  She prepared so much for the arrival of our baby yet neither one of us expected this was even possible in 2018.  "Shock" doesn't cut it.  I just can't imagine that her soul is at peace right now given that she never had a chance to meet her daughter...

I have pretty much the same thought as you about the uncertainty.  I pray to God to embrace her and give her His unconditional love.  This is the only thing I can do.  I am helpless otherwise.  Some have said to me "she's in a better place".  I question myself whenever I hear that... I want to believe it but is there a way for me to know for sure?

I've started to get desperate and am praying to God now asking Him if He could please give me a sign that she's okay and at peace with everything.  Asking her to come visit me in my dream.  I actually think I did have two dreams with her in it (it isn't often I remember my dreams) and both times she seemed emotionless to me?  I guess that is better than her being sad in my dream but it wasn't what I wanted to see either.

I am starting to ask myself if I even love her as deeply as other husbands have loved their wives.  I am doubting everything.

[Glolilly]

@johnh I am sorry for your loss especially with your wife being so young and after giving birth to a precious baby girl. I read a story of a young husband whose wife developed an early difficult birth of their first child and had to decide with emergency surgery who to save his wife or the baby he chose the baby. The son gave his life for us. But he left his earthly body but his spirit remains in heaven. His body was able to take form at will. The heavens can not be compared to the earth experience. Pain, fear and life struggles are behind us. Yes earth has it's joy but is substandard to celestial lights and weightless thoughts. It can't be explained why then because the bible says we know in part  now but when he that is perfect comes we will know the whole thing.  ( 1 Corinthians 13: 9-10). Man only understands partially. If we knew the whole truth we wouldn't even fully comprehend the answer. So, what do we do. Maybe we can ask Him to tell us enough in prayer what will console us. That's what I did. As a nurse I felt I should have known or did something to prevent his sudden unexpected heart attack. I'm sure the doctors who are experts did all the right things but was just as baffled and surprised. But going forward, it is normal to look for explanations to deal sudden loss. Our brain is always trying to figure out what happened. You may need time alone away for a day or two to soak it in. You may need the hospital chaplain to guide you to a supportive group. You may need a religious support with regular attendance. You may need books on dealing with spouse death as I did. Talking to my mom on how she handled my fathers desth also helped me. These are suggestions that helped me. I asked to see my husband in a dream as well and for me he didn't look too happy to be disturbed which I found confusing. But who knows what they actually think on the other side. Yes people told me they're in a better place but I don't want to hear that either. It downplayed his importance and family it seemed. So it's still so very early and I'm thinking you may be still in the foggy shock phase. Mine lasted several months. It helped me to function without melting nwhen I needed to take care of paperwork and stuff. Hopefully you get help to take care of you and the gift of your precious little one. Praying for your joy, peace and comfort. 

[ksiemb]

2 hours ago, johnh said:

Lost my wife close to four weeks ago.  She passed away a day after giving birth to our little girl.  The part that I am really having trouble with is that she was so excited about being a mother and she did so much during the pregnancy to make sure that the baby was healthy, even deciding to give birth naturally with no pain meds. Yet this happened.  She prepared so much for the arrival of our baby yet neither one of us expected this was even possible in 2018.  "Shock" doesn't cut it.  I just can't imagine that her soul is at peace right now given that she never had a chance to meet her daughter...

I have pretty much the same thought as you about the uncertainty.  I pray to God to embrace her and give her His unconditional love.  This is the only thing I can do.  I am helpless otherwise.  Some have said to me "she's in a better place".  I question myself whenever I hear that... I want to believe it but is there a way for me to know for sure?

I've started to get desperate and am praying to God now asking Him if He could please give me a sign that she's okay and at peace with everything.  Asking her to come visit me in my dream.  I actually think I did have two dreams with her in it (it isn't often I remember my dreams) and both times she seemed emotionless to me?  I guess that is better than her being sad in my dream but it wasn't what I wanted to see either.

I am starting to ask myself if I even love her as deeply as other husbands have loved their wives.  I am doubting everything.

You are going through the identical feelings I have experienced over the past year since my Wife's passing. You must believe, God is all merciful. Your Wife is now in her "New Life" after Death that our Savior has promised us. She is your Special Angel in Heaven now. And yes, I have heard all the cliches, "she is in a better place, or she is smiling down on us" and many more. And I have had only a single dream in the past year of my Wife. Nothing was said. She was sitting inside some room, greeting women as they came thru the entrance, smiling & laughing as she always did , but no sound.. The dream made no sense to me at all. I hope you find peace and comfort soon for your loss very soon, but remember it does not come soon enough. We all grieve for different periods of time. Peace be with you.

 

[KayC]

I think doubting is common in early grief.  It seems to me that pretty much anything and everything is the norm in this uncharted territory!  It is enough to challenge even the deepest faith!  For those of us that thought we had everything figured out, nope!  We are left reeling and grappling on a slippery slope.  

I want you to know that faith comes back around, what was there is still there, you just can't see it right now.  Rest assured our loved ones still love us, the only thing that really changed is their physical bodies gave out...and for us, that changed a lot.  It means they can no longer physically hold us or tell us "I love you", but it does not mean they don't still feel it, mean it.  Keep talking to your loved one...I do, no matter how many years pass, I also keep a "Letters to George" file on my computer.  It's an avenue we can use, I don't know if he can read them or not but perhaps...

Peace and comfort for us all.  For those in early grief, my heart goes out to you, I remember that time like it was yesterday, I remember my anxiety, desperation, fear...you will find your way even as I have.  For each of us we might handle it differently, but we get through this...together, knowing we are not alone in this journey.

[foreverhis]

On 1/9/2019 at 9:09 AM, ksiemb said:

I have asked our Savior to take me, so that I can once again be with my Wife, provided he will show me mercy, and I am worthy of Heaven

Although I do not believe exactly the same way you do, I do have faith.  My heart tells me that you are most deserving of love and mercy.  Just by the way you talk about your wife, your love, your life together now and what you wish for beyond, it's clear to me that any God worthy of our faith will welcome you with open arms and, when your time comes, you and your beloved will be reunited, as all pain and fear and grief will be behind you with nothing but love and peace ahead.

I know it may sound arrogant to some for me to "assume" I know.  I don't claim to know everything, but I know what my heart feels when I read your words.  For me, that's enough.

[HPB]

18 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

My heart tells me that you are most deserving of love and mercy.  Just by the way you talk about your wife, your love, your life together now and what you wish for beyond, it's clear to me that any God worthy of our faith will welcome you with open arms and, when your time comes, you and your beloved will be reunited, as all pain and fear and grief will be behind you with nothing but love and peace ahead.

Even if I don't always agree with you, but here you exactly put into words what I was thinking myself when I read the post of @ksiemb.

I'm not very knowledgeable concerning the Bible, but:

The Fathers house has many rooms; especially for folks with good hearts!

 

[ksiemb]

I am  now reliving the tragic events of the day before I lost my Wife at 1:38 am on January 11, 2018. To  help ease my grief, I turn on her "Happy Lights" for the 10th and 11th of each month in memory of her. You see, she had decorative trees in the corners of our living and dining rooms, strung with white Christmas lights. She would light them and say "They make the rooms Happy" !  The night she passed, I came home and lit them to guide her way to her Savior. Well Honey, your Happy Lights are on once again. Rest in Peace my Love. I cherish the time we had to spend together. God rest your soul.  Your Kenny 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, ksiemb said:

You see, she had decorative trees in the corners of our living and dining rooms, strung with white Christmas lights. She would light them and say "They make the rooms Happy" !  The night she passed, I came home and lit them to guide her way to her Savior. Well Honey, your Happy Lights are on once again.

That is beautiful!  

[ksiemb]

My beloved Dolores, My Dearest Dolly - One year ago today (January 11,2018, "Your Angel Date") You were called by Our Lord , and I have lived with a broken heart every day since. But my life has been full because of you , and the love you have given me. I shall always cherish the time we had together and memories of you will be in my heart forever. Rest in Peace my beloved Dolly, with your Family, your Angels, your Saints, and your beloved Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ who has given you a new life in his Kingdom for all eternity.
- Kenny 1/11/2019

[KayC]

Kenny,  reading the above post I feel like I'm on sacred ground, your feelings so beautifully expressed for your Dolly...one year of missing her.  I believe with all my heart we'll join with them, that is my hope and what gets me through.  You'll be in my thoughts and prayers today.

[ksiemb]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Kenny,  reading the above post I feel like I'm on sacred ground, your feelings so beautifully expressed for your Dolly...one year of missing her.  I believe with all my heart we'll join with them, that is my hope and what gets me through.  You'll be in my thoughts and prayers today.

Thank you for your kind thoughts. I also believe as you do, that we will see, and be with them again. Peace and Comfort to you in your healing.