heart hurts literally everyday

[Mary G]

My heart literally hurts every second of every single day. I am functioning but barely most days. You hear people say they wouldn't want their loved one back because they were in such pain, but I would take my sweet hubby back in a second. We were lucky that he wasnt in pain, he was weak from not eating and dependent on me to take care of him which I cherished that i was able to do that for him. I feel that if my heart was x-rayed it would surely show one that is broken

[Brazil Man]

1 hour ago, Mary G said:

I feel that if my heart was x-rayed it would surely show one that is broken

Yes Mary G, I think we are broken- hearted. I know how you feel and I am sorry for your loss.

[SSC]

@Mary G we lost our husbands about the same time.  I remember the first few weeks the pain was so terrible my brain kept telling me I needed to go to the hospital.  Something to help fix my broken heart. In just the (almost) three months I can see how my grief has evolved.  I’m starting to clam up and push the pain down.  I know that’s not good.  We all have to “ sit in the wound”. And feel every bit of the pain.  Believe it or not, that’s the healthiest thing to do.  Sometimes when it hurts so much I tell myself it’s because our love is so beautiful and amazing.  The price we pay, right?

Take the time to write how you’re feeling down.  Write letters to your husband.  This is very therapeutic and also connects yourself to him.  It helps release your feelings and it’s also something you can go back and read.  It’s been very helpful for me.

[KayC]

Mary,

You are in acute grief right now, it is still early in your grief journey...in time our pain becomes less raw as we begin to adjust little by little...it take SO much time as to seem imperceptible to us until we look back on day one from a year or two or three out.  It's then that we notice our gradual adjustment.  Please give yourself time.
Also, a friend of mine just posted this on another grief site and I made note of it because self-care is so important for us now, more than ever.

Anne’s Self Care

My Self-Care Basket for 2019

Gifting myself a day of self-care ~ suggestions for my basket (items can be changed)

***Drink more lemon water that day, or buy fresh flowers for the day, schedule naptime, have a self-love affirmations list to recite throughout the day: I accept all compliments, I let go of all negative talk, I accept myself for who I am, I will treat myself with kindness, I will stop apologizing for who I am…

Something Physical

Massage oils (I like eucalyptus oil and tea extract), a yoga DVD, facial mask supplies, Epsom salts for a bath, take a walk in nature, spend time in your garden, go for a swim, treat self to a manicure/pedicure, find a reason to laugh

Something Emotional

Journal/pen, tissues, add a movie you’ve already seen or one you want to watch to your basket, listen to music from a playlist you created, create an art piece to express your emotion     

Something Spiritual

Meditations or articles from my Pinterest boards, do a random act of kindness, read a favorite book, listen to inspirational talks, listen to music, breathe, listen to a podcast or TED talks: ‘Body Language’ by Amy Cuddy and ‘The Power of Introverts’ by Susan Cain are two talks I listened to on my stay at home Retreat (the Internet has many TED talks that inspire)

Something Sensory

Stress ball, scented candle, soft blanket or fuzzy socks, a pleasure reading book (I like Mary Oliver’s book Dog Songs), drink herbal tea, listen to music, and eat chocolate

Something Social

Send a card to a special person, write a letter to someone you haven’t heard from for a while, call or text a friend, spend time with an animal and if you do not have a pet perhaps you could visit a shelter, write a letter to yourself complimenting yourself for something you did, go to lunch with friends, be proactive, not reactive to situations

Notes to self:

       In the evening make a plan for the next day

·      Have a routine – streamlines daily processes

·      Have a style of dress (I like scarves and add them to my wardrobe)

·      Check your emails or texts and respond sooner rather than later

·      Keep your space neat – less clutter

·      List things that you are grateful for that day

·      Define what gives you stress

 

Kay’s note:
I like that too!  But my "style of dress" is jeans since I retired, LOL!  I like having this list, helps us think of things. 

I'd add food to that.  A lot of times people don't think about cooking for themselves as a way of self-care...we make something wonderful for others but it's important to realize our own value and worth and know that WE are worth it too!

Fast food and chips is not self-care, regardless of how easy or tasteful it might be.  I have a friend who is 75, never married, and he fixed himself lobster on New Year's.  

 

https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/8549-changes-im-making/?page=34&tab=comments#comment-143872

[Jgra18]

Oh Mary, I know exactly how you feel. It's like someone has taken hold of my heart and won't let it go. Squeezing just firmly enough that I feel it, constantly - but not so tight that I can't function. It's just a constant ache in the background, and I don't think it'll ever leave me.

But know you are not alone, if you ever want to talk, we are all here.

[ModHerc]

@Mary G,

My experience has been that the pain never fully leaves, but it does diminish some.  I remember that daily ache all too well.  For me it felt like someone had wrapped a cord around my chest and just kept tightening a bit more each day.  Around a year in, that eased off some.  There were and are still many things for me to deal with on my grief journey, but fortunately that part has gotten better for me in time.  I would give anything for five more minutes with my wife, but at the same point, she struggled every day with her various illnesses, and she was horribly afraid much of the time.  While I would certainly want her back, I can at the same time appreciate that I don't think she is sick, struggling, hurting, or scared any longer.  Hoping you find some peace and relief,

Herc

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Jgra18 said:

It's just a constant ache in the background

That's how I've found it to be.  I have often said I've learned to coexist with my grief...it's never gone, it's always there in the background, missing him, feeling it.  Not raw like in the beginning, greatly diminished to make it more palatable or easier to cope with, but there...it's been 13 1/2 years for me.  It took me maybe three years or so to process my grief for the most part, more years to find purpose, more years yet to build a life I can live.  Doing it.

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, ModHerc said:

I would give anything for five more minutes with my wife, but at the same point, she struggled every day with her various illnesses, and she was horribly afraid much of the time. 

This is a dichotomy for so many of us, I think.  I'd give anything if he could be here with me taking care of him.  Anything and everything.  But he was so ill at the end, in so much pain, and there was no getting better.  I could see the fear in his eyes and hear it in his voice.  He was a strong man, but no one can go through what our loved ones did and not be afraid.  Afraid of leaving us, afraid they've let us down, afraid of what's next.

I ask myself how I can be so selfish to wish him here when I know how much he was suffering, we were suffering.  I'm sitting here now with tears streaming seeing his face, hearing his voice, and knowing that I'd never want him to go through that again.

[Mary G]

On 1/6/2019 at 6:26 AM, SSC said:

@Mary G we lost our husbands about the same time.  I remember the first few weeks the pain was so terrible my brain kept telling me I needed to go to the hospital.  Something to help fix my broken heart. In just the (almost) three months I can see how my grief has evolved.  I’m starting to clam up and push the pain down.  I know that’s not good.  We all have to “ sit in the wound”. And feel every bit of the pain.  Believe it or not, that’s the healthiest thing to do.  Sometimes when it hurts so much I tell myself it’s because our love is so beautiful and amazing.  The price we pay, right?

Take the time to write how you’re feeling down.  Write letters to your husband.  This is very therapeutic and also connects yourself to him.  It helps release your feelings and it’s also something you can go back and read.  It’s been very helpful for me.

 

On 1/6/2019 at 6:26 AM, SSC said:

Sometimes when it hurts so much I tell myself it’s because our love is so beautiful and amazing.  

@SSC, thanks I think I will write him letters because I do talk to him everyday and maybe this will help as well. I think since 10/2/18 when he died there has been maybe only 5 days where I havent cried. 

[Mary G]

On 1/6/2019 at 3:02 AM, Brazil Man said:

Yes Mary G, I think we are broken- hearted. I know how you feel and I am sorry for your loss.

 

On 1/6/2019 at 3:02 AM, Brazil Man said:

Yes Mary G, I think we are broken- hearted. I know how you feel and I am sorry for your loss.

@Brazil Man yes broken hearted and it seems like its just a nightmare. (not sure how I had this quote X2 and couldnt fiqure how to delete one so I took it as a sign it was worth double reading. 

[Mary G]

@KayC Thanks for all your post, they lead me to beleive that maybe time will help me get through this. I know I have to find a way to get through this and it is still so new and raw. 

[Mary G]

8 hours ago, foreverhis said:

This is a dichotomy for so many of us, I think.  I'd give anything if he could be here with me taking care of him.  Anything and everything.  But he was so ill at the end, in so much pain, and there was no getting better.  I could see the fear in his eyes and hear it in his voice.  He was a strong man, but no one can go through what our loved ones did and not be afraid.  Afraid of leaving us, afraid they've let us down, afraid of what's next.

I ask myself how I can be so selfish to wish him here when I know how much he was suffering, we were suffering.  I'm sitting here now with tears streaming seeing his face, hearing his voice, and knowing that I'd never want him to go through that again.

This is so true, he wasnt in pain but he didnt like to have to depend on me for everything but I loved every single minute 

[Mary G]

15 hours ago, ModHerc said:

@Mary G,

My experience has been that the pain never fully leaves, but it does diminish some.  I remember that daily ache all too well.  For me it felt like someone had wrapped a cord around my chest and just kept tightening a bit more each day.  Around a year in, that eased off some.  There were and are still many things for me to deal with on my grief journey, but fortunately that part has gotten better for me in time.  I would give anything for five more minutes with my wife, but at the same point, she struggled every day with her various illnesses, and she was horribly afraid much of the time.  While I would certainly want her back, I can at the same time appreciate that I don't think she is sick, struggling, hurting, or scared any longer.  Hoping you find some peace and relief,

Herc

@ModHerc the part about the cord pretty much sums it up. I know deep down that time is the only thing that will hopefully ease some of my pain. I am just now starting on this jouney of trying to fiqure how I am suppose to do this life without him.  

[Mary G]

18 hours ago, Jgra18 said:

Oh Mary, I know exactly how you feel. It's like someone has taken hold of my heart and won't let it go. Squeezing just firmly enough that I feel it, constantly - but not so tight that I can't function. It's just a constant ache in the background, and I don't think it'll ever leave me.

But know you are not alone, if you ever want to talk, we are all here.

@Jgra18, exactly always in the background, coming here everyday even If I dont post or reply to everything does help me to see I am not alone. 

[ksiemb]

I feel your pain ! - My Wife passed one year ago and it shook me to the core. Shortly after the Funeral, I went to see a priest. I had not been a good Catholic, but my Wife was. I had a one hour face to face with him which turned out to be my confession (and it was difficult to do).  Since that meeting, I have been to Church, receiving the sacraments each Sunday and I take a business card of hers with me which has her picture on it. She can't be there in body, so I take her picture..  I go to confession every 4-6 weeks, and I pray a Rosary every morning for my wife and family. I find comfort in getting back to my religion. I know not your circumstances, but I wanted to do this in hopes that at the hour of my time to leave this Earth also, our Savior will have mercy on my soul, and I merit Heaven where I can be reunited with my Wife. I wish the same for you and your broken heart will find your Husband   Peace !

[BlueEyedWidower]

I feel the same way. I hurts so damn bad! 

[Sunflower2]

7 hours ago, BlueEyedWidower said:

I feel the same way. I hurts so damn bad! 

yes excruciating. feels like everything has been ripped out. In time we learn how to somehow live with our loss. we find little things that give us comfort and a moment of peace...than again the grief wave hits.  In time the waves will still be deep but we get breaks.  Short breaks. In time we notice  the breaks from grief get longer.  It takes time.  thoughts are with you.  

[KayC]

9 hours ago, BlueEyedWidower said:

I feel the same way. I hurts so damn bad! 

This is your first post here, I want to welcome you here and I acknowledge your pain.  I know it hurts, it's the hardest thing I've ever been through.  You didn't say how long it's been, maybe you'll consider starting your own thread and telling your story, when you are able or feel up to it.  Here is a place where we have all been through it, the loss of our beloved spouse, the person we wanted to spend the rest of our life with, only to have it cut all too short, it shocks our being, it's hard to wrap your head around.

I want to share this article with you as well, I hope even one thing on here is helpful to you, the single most helpful thing to me was learning to take one day at a time, often an hour or a minute.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Billie Rae]

This is a dichotomy for so many of us, I think.  I'd give anything if he could be here with me taking care of him.  Anything and everything.  But he was so ill at the end, in so much pain, and there was no getting better.  I could see the fear in his eyes and hear it in his voice.  He was a strong man, but no one can go through what our loved ones did and not be afraid.  Afraid of leaving us, afraid they've let us down, afraid of what's next.
I ask myself how I can be so selfish to wish him here when I know how much he was suffering, we were suffering.  I'm sitting here now with tears streaming seeing his face, hearing his voice, and knowing that I'd never want him to go through that again.

I get that.My husband told me he was so scared and afraid he would miss me for eternity.When he died I could see the confusion and disbelief on his face.Each day he was sick he woke up being surprised that he was not feeling well.I would want him back but not suffering and helpless(that embarrassed him)the first time I had to help him shower he cried.No,I want my healthy strong big guy back.I want to hear him grumbling about going to work at 5 am,to hear him say hi honey what's up.

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