all the first have now come and gone

[vernkathy]

On the 19th of December my husband left the our home for the last time. We both new he wouldn't come home, but we didn't speak it to each other. He had just come home from the hospital 1 day 1/2 before. The physical therapy nurse walked in and looked at him and said this man needs to be in the hospital.  On the 21st of December after they talked me into going home to "rest", and we lived 45 minutes away, I no sooner walked in the door and was getting ready to take a quick shower and head back up, the nurse called and said he had become combative with the patient sitter so they now had him in ICU.  When I left he was sitting in a chair, but his personality had changed and he was very disoriented. While on the phone the said we need to intubate him.  I gave them permission because I just had to still have him alive.  On Christmas day I had sat by his bed side and noticed he was retaining fluid and his urine back had remained pretty much empty. The doctor came in and said we need to call a urologist in for dialysis and his platelets were tanking after three platelet infusions. I asked them to give me the day, to go home to the kids and grandkids, to have dinner and have the grandkids open their gifts. We all went back to the hospital and all the kids went in and talked to him and sat with him for a while. I sat them all down in the waiting room and told them there was going to be no miracle and we needed to let him go. I let every one talk and made sure we were all on the same page. We decided to give it one more day while I checked on insurance I had just taken out on him at work, to make sure I would receive it so I could plan accordingly for his funeral, and so others could come and say goodbye if they wanted.  On the 27th of December 2017 the love of my life left this earth.  We buried him on the 30th. Our youngest son is not handling his grief well. He has always struggled with mental health and drug addiction and a processing disability. On New Years Eve we had to call the police because he was so drunk that he was combative and not making sense and said he didn't want to live anymore. He was involuntarily hospitalized on a suicide watch. He's out now, but he refuses to get help. This is all so exhausting to me and make my grief so much more intensified because he is not here to help me with our son. I talk to my husband all the time. I miss him so much. The year anniversary hit me so hard all over again.

 

[ModHerc]

@vernkathy,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  The important dates are very hard for me as well.  I just passed the second anniversary of her passing.  I went back and reread letters I had written to her in the first few months, specifically one that detailed our last day together.  I find it helpful to look back to that time on occasion as you have done.  I am also sorry your son is having issues, and hope that he finds the help he needs.  From my experiences with substance abuse problems, I think he will have to find his own way to start down a path of recovery.  Unfortunately until he comes to that point in his own mind, there isn't much anyone else can do.  It is unfair that you have to deal with it in addition to your grief.  We certainly don't need any more factors in our lives that are outside of our control, and I know how much it must trouble you.  Wishing you peace, rest and comfort, and sending hugs,

Herc

[KayC]

Kathy, At one year I felt glad that all of the firsts without were over, but I found in the second year that it really didn't matter if it was the first or second without, it was still hard.  I remember your story...it has to be hard having an adult son with problems, I can imagine how frightening and frustrating you might feel.  I have an adult daughter with a lot of problems, although different ones, and I know I feel that way.  It was easier when they were children it seems.  I can only sympathize, I don't know a solution.  I lift up my daughter in prayer all the time.

I hope you have some form of outlet, writing, getting away even if for an hour or two.  We can't change your situation but we can listen and care whenever you come here.

Sometimes people say we're strong, maybe...sometimes we don't want to be, sometimes we just want a break.

[vernkathy]

Thanks HERC, your kind words mean a lot. My son is out of the behavioral health and home. He is living in the house I used to live in with his older brother. He is not speaking to me, I guess he is mad at me for having him taken into custody and put in hospital under suicide watch. Now I am afraid he will try to hurt himself and we won't know it. It hurts because this child is the only one I had with my husband. I feel as if I am loosing more of him everyday. Thanks KayC for your prayers and it does help to sometimes just put this down in writing and know there are others that can relate. I clean my house and try and do projects, that is how I manage my stress and grief. I feel a sense of accomplishment by fixing or creating something new. Well on to bed I go.  I have to work later today. Prayers to everyone dealing with this monkey of grief that is a constant companion.