Conversations with my Loved One

[SSC]

Does anyone else talk to their spouse that has passed on?  I look at my husbands picture and talk to him several times a day.  I will also talk to him as if he is right next to me in the car or at home.  Not continually but more as a way to connect with him still.  Is this normal?  Will it be something that I’ll continue to do in the years to come?

[loveboo]

I talk to my wife.  I sometimes stare into empty space hoping that her spirit is there listening to me.

Whether or not this is normal... I think if it helps you in anyway, I think it's fine.

But it's really the doubt immediately after questioning whether if I was heard at all that messes with me.

[Heart&Soul]

I too talk to my husband.  Sometimes I talk to him out loud and other times in my  mind.  I know he can hear me because something remarkable happened.  After his funeral and once all family and friends had left I broke down and wept uncontrollably.  I asked him why he had left me and how I wouldn't be able to go on without him.  I was in a very dark place and after calming myself down I heard his cell phone pinging.   I checked it and noticed a message had gone out from his cell phone at that precious moment to his cousin and his cousin had sent a reply to a message he had composed but never sent out a month before his passing.  I truly believe with all my being that he sent this text out to let me know he heard me and was with me and that he will always be with me and I will be okay.

I believe that even though we don't see our loved ones they are still with us, watching over us and protecting us.  Keep talking to them.

[Mary G]

2 hours ago, SSC said:

Does anyone else talk to their spouse that has passed on?  I look at my husbands picture and talk to him several times a day.  I will also talk to him as if he is right next to me in the car or at home.  Not continually but more as a way to connect with him still.  Is this normal?  Will it be something that I’ll continue to do in the years to come?

I do this too. I made a memorial area where I keep a picture of him along with an angel the funeral home had made with his name on it as well as the candle from All Saints from church and the candle from Hospice’s remembrance service. I talk to him constantly and when I really am needing some direction/advice I go and stand ans ask him for his guidance on the matter. I feel like he guides me in making decisions.  I feel that by talking it is our way of keeping the connection to our loved ones. 

[foreverhis]

Yes, I talk to my husband all the time.  I ask for his help and advice; I tell him how I'm feeling; I remind him how much I love and miss him; I ask him to forgive me my failings and to wait for me; I tell him things that are happening and talk about our girls.  I do not feel the least bit odd talking to him.  If he can hear me (as I believe is true), then he'll know every day that I'll always need him and always be his.  If I'm wrong and I'm basically talking to myself, I figure that it's still helping me try to make sense of the senseless, unjust loss of my soulmate.  An imperfect, but perfect for me, truly good man who deserved far better than this.

I have his ashes in a handsome leather cylinder that's on top of our entertainment cabinet.  I tell everyone, only half jokingly, it's so he can keep an eye on me.  I framed a favorite casual photo I took of him and our granddaughter last year and put that in front and I placed a little memory picture book our granddaughter and daughter put together to cheer him up while he was in the hospital next to it.

I will never be ashamed or feel foolish or crazy for talking to my love.  I hope you allow yourself the same grace.

[tlc]

Yes, I talk to Terry from the moment I wake up and say "Good morning my love" until I go to bed and "Goodnight darling". I tell him how I feel, what is going on, what problems there are, good things that do happen and ask him for help and advice. I know that he is with me. I also know that the kind of love that we shared will be with me until the end. I just have to hold on to that until we are together again.

[ModHerc]

Yes, I still talk to my wife every day.  More some days and less others now that time has passed.  I set aside special places to do so, and for a while had a set time every day to sit down and go over my thoughts with her.  Most of the time I just tell her that I love her, that I know she loves me, and that I am doing everything I can to care for our daughter.  I've found over time that I am having "big" conversations less often, but gain more from it when I do.  It helps me feel connected to her, lets me continue to share my life with her, and lets me reflect on what she would do about certain things.  I haven't found a place in my new home to set aside for this specific purpose, but I will soon.  I've been doing it over two years now, and I can't imagine I will ever stop talking to her, nor would I want to.  It is as normal as anything else in grief.  Hoping you find comfort and consolation in the conversations with him,

Herc

[Epope]

I talk to Derek every day. I also have written him almost 200 pages that describe my pain, our memories, my favorite things about him which I call "Random Thoughts About You", things that are happening in my life, and every/anything else in between. The first entry was 2 days after he passed and I had stared at the wall for so long in the spare bedroom in our basement that I went slightly crazy. With nothing else to do, I opened up a word document and just started writing - starting with "the end". 

But I realized that I couldn't bear the thought of our relationship just "ending". I thought writing out everything whether it's anger, or crazy thoughts, or about my first few trips to the supermarket that depressed the **** out of me would help build a safe space out of thin air for us once more - and it has. I also have an altar for him in our home that I light incense at every day. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I can smell it as if someone has just lit it. I think it's him waking me up. 

[KayC]

My husband has been gone 13 1/2 years and I think about him and talk aloud to him all the time!  It's a good thing I live alone or they'd probably haul me off!  Fortunately my dog and cat don't notice anything amiss.

Our relationship hasn't ended, I still love him, he still loves me, we still have our shared history, he is still the love of my life...what has changed is how we interact.  He is no longer able to physically hold me, but we do what we can...most of us get "signs" at some time or another, or a visitation in the form of a dream or something else.  If it hasn't happened yet, don't worry about it, sometimes in early grief our grief can overshadow everything so it makes it hard for us to be a receiver, if that makes sense?  Also it's not something we can control or conjure up per se as it takes great effort on their part to cross that veil to us.  But they're here with us in spirit, in love, in memories.

[SSC]

Thank you all for sharing your beliefs and relationship routines with me.  I so appreciate that you all feel the continuation of your love and that your loved one is still with you.  

KayC, I couldn’t have articulated it any better than you did.  That is exactly how I feel and so, in a way, you’ve given me permission to live my life with my husband but just in a different way.  The way we interact.   If you’ve done it for 13+ years then so can I.  You’ve inspired me.  Thank you.

[Moment2moment]

Yes, all the time. Often when I am driving in the car and when I first come back into the house. I tell her about my day or just go through our usual ritual when saying, "Hi Honey!"

Most of the time it is a "feel good" experience but sometimes it only underlines my loneliness and pain. 

I have days when I try to distract myself from my pain but find myself crying out of the blue anyway. Those are the days when I don't visit here because even that is too painful. I don't talk to her then sometimes either. Too painful.

I am totally alone. No children, siblings, few friends other than in the phone a state away. I feel like everyone here has someone in their grief-children, grandchildren, someone. I have no one except my two dogs.

I was a full time isolated caregiver for several years before her death. My world narrowed down to me and her and the hospice staff who came to our home. No one else gave us the time of day.

I get to really feeling sorry for myself sometimes and wonder how I will end up. During those times even talking to her seems futile. I just shut down.

I am like a crazy person-up and positive one minute, down and hopeless the next. I am going back to see my counselor next week and looking for another job that gets me out of the house more.

I feel like I am dying of loneliness some days. I need a life and don't know how to find one. She is gone and so is my version of reality.

Ask me tomorrow and I will tell you everything is fine. I feel like I am on a roller coaster of emotion here lately. Guess that is grief, I don't know. Anyway, sorry for the melt down.

P.S.: it just hit me why I am so depressed tonight. Today is the anniversary of her admission to hospice last year. The "beginning of the end", the most painful phase of her illness until her death in May. I feel like I am living it all over again. Crazy, isn't it?

[Mary G]

@Moment2moment  There is no need to say you are sorry for the melt down. I have only been on the forum for a few days but this is the place to tell others how you feel and what you are going through. Hugs to you. 

[tlc]

@Moment2moment II understand what you are going through. Today I realised that it will be nine months since my soul mate passed. Some days are bad and some not quite so bad. But I keep asking myself, why am I still here when I really don't want to be. Something is keeping me alive for now and I don't know what.

I don't cry as much as I did but then agan that would be very hard to keep up for so long but yes, I still cry most days. And despite whether I physically cry or not, my heart and soul are crying in despair.

I am so alone. I do not have parents, siblings and only a couple of friends. A stepdaughter who tries her best but has her own life to live. That's Ok, I understand. But, I ask myself who would know if anything happened to me for an awful long time? Thinking about paying for a business that gives you a monitor for if you fall or something but thay can actually check on you every day to make sure that you are still alive!

I am just existing in this limbo land, this place between places. I am here. He is there. I really want to be there.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

I am going back to see my counselor next week and looking for another job that gets me out of the house more.

You are planning positive steps forward and that is good!  

10 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

I am like a crazy person-up and positive one minute, down and hopeless the next.

And this sounds like grief to me!

[ModHerc]

@Moment2moment,

It doesn’t sound crazy at all to me.  It sounds familiar, and very much like grief.  The other thing I find is that those positive and up moments, while much better than the hopeless and down, are often so solemn in comparison to positive moments from before my loss.  Simply feeling ok also has brought me guilt on occasion, because she isn’t here to share it with me anymore.  It is indeed a rollercoaster.  Hoping you find some peace and rest from it,

Herc

[SSC]

@Moment2moment

My heart goes out to you.  Dealing with the passing of your Loved One is difficult enough, but being so isolated and alone has got to make it unbearable.  I wonder if there is anyway you can communicate with some of us on this forum?  Like on a daily basis through email?  Just so you can talk and vent without having to post?

 

@Herc

Your strength and perseverance is amazing.  I get so upset when I think about living my life without my husband and how I can’t even fathom my future without him.  When I read your posts, I can somewhat see how things evolve and how to make sense of what my future holds.  I know at this early stage I’m supposed to just live day to day but I get so caught up in the many years I have the potential of living without him.  I find it so overwhelming and sad.  You and KayC have shown that with much hard work, there is hope. 

[Brazil Man]

5 hours ago, SSC said:

I know at this early stage I’m supposed to just live day to day but I get so caught up in the many years I have the potential of living without him.  I find it so overwhelming and sad.

Me too. When I look forward and see how many years I will have to live without her I get desperate.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, SSC said:

I get so upset when I think about living my life without my husband and how I can’t even fathom my future without him.

Try staying in today...thinking about the whole rest of your life invites anxiety, which I already have enough of.

[KayC]

SSC, I wanted to share this article I wrote with you...it's the things that I've learned on my grief journey that have helped me over the years, you may have seen it already but I wanted to make sure you have it...hoping even one of these "tips" speaks to you, if not now, sometime on down the road, as our grief journey evolves and changes as to what we can handle and what we try.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Spengler]

Yes, I talk to Anita pretty regularly. I feel, rather than hear, her replies. She sends me calmness and strength.

Several times I've asked for her help in finding documents and other items that had gotten lost. I found them almost immediately -- the answer was just there in my head. I try not to do this, because it's just too spooky.

[SSC]

@KayC,

you touched on “messages” from your husband.  Others here on this forum have mentioned this as well.  In the beginning I believe I had several unique and powerful messages given to me.  I have not had any remarkable dreams, although my daughter has.  I’m curious to know if anyone has had “messages” months or years later?  Unlike Spengler I wouldn’t find this spooky.  I would find it very comforting.

[KayC]

More like signs for me, but yes, although rare.  Years after my husband died I was talking with the social security office and the lady told me I'd only get $200/month soc. sec.  I have anxiety as it is and when she said that I asked her to doublecheck because that didn't sound right, I've worked all my life!  She told me to call the local soc sec office and she sounded cold/indifferent.  I tried them and they'd just closed...this was going into a 3 day holiday weekend.  That night, anxiety through the roof, I literally felt my husband's hand on my back/shoulder and it instantly calmed me and assured me.  I couldn't have gotten through that weekend without that.  I got a hold of the soc. sec. office the following Tuesday and the lady was way off, much to my relief, but then I'd already known that the moment I felt my husband's hand...

I think we have a thread somewhere where people listed such experiences.  This is the only time I felt his touch, but there have been other things like a pansy that sprung up one year after he died, beneath the elevated patio...it's not even possible for it to have survived the winter snows, but it did.  Pansies were our flower, they were special to us from our courtship.  Another time I was looking at expensive car repairs and walking back to work and a pansy was looking up at me through the cracks in the sidewalk.  I took both of them as signs from my George. 

[foreverhis]

On 1/6/2019 at 12:09 AM, Brazil Man said:

Me too. When I look forward and see how many years I will have to live without her I get desperate.

Indeed.  I no longer want to live for 20 or 30 years more.  I only wanted that when my love was here with me.  Now I think of time here as something to be endured until I can be with him again.

[SSC]

@KayC

Thank you for sharing your story. It’s very touching and gives me hope.  I also appreciate the “bump” of the two threads.  Thanks.