Missing my soulmate/my best friend.

[Mary G]

I lost my husband on October 2,2018 due to congestive heart failure. He passed away 2 days before our 21st anniversary. He was my soul mate and my best friend. He was older than me but our age difference never had a negative effect on our love. We became friends and our love grew from there. I feel just raw and depressed. I cry just about everyday and the pain is unbearable. People say just move on which I want to say you just don’t understand but I dont. I just quietly shake my head. I know they are only trying to help. I know in my head that time will make it better but to tell you the truth I am not sure I want it to be better. 

[KayC]

Mary, I am so sorry.  I lost my husband to a heart attack 13 1/2 years ago on Father's Day 2005.  In the beginning I didn't see how I could live a week without him, let alone the whole rest of my life!  There was no manual to tell me how to do this.  I was caught off guard, totally in shock.  He'd been in the hospital 2 1/2 days, we hadn't known he even had heart trouble!  He died waiting for surgery that he probably wouldn't have made it through.  Those early days/months/years, I cried a lot.  Now it's settled into something less raw, and I've learned to coexist with my grief.  The things people said!  I learned to stand up for myself, for he was no longer there to do it for me.  Yes they may mean well, but sometimes they shouldn't say the things they do.  The "move on" should not even be in their vocabulary. 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things that helped me in my grief journey, I hope something in it is helpful to you.  Reading it at different points in your journey, different things will stand out to you as our journey is ever changing.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[Brazil Man]

8 hours ago, Mary G said:

I feel just raw and depressed. I cry just about everyday and the pain is unbearable

I am very sorry for your loss. It's been 7 months since my wife passed away and a still cry everyday.
I understand your pain and my heart goes out to you.

[Moment2moment]

Mary

Please come here daily and hang with our crowd. It is a special place of love and support.  Folks here understand.

[Heart&Soul]

My heart breaks for you I am so sorry for your loss.  I too lost my soulmate in October and am trying to exist without him.  It is so hard every day to just be.  This is a wonderful place to come to the people are so supportive and amazing.  Take care of yourself.  Big hug.

[Mary G]

I am so touched by everyone’s response to my post. I am new to the forum. Is there anyway to respond to each post separately?

I pray that everyone had a blessed day. Happy New Year. 

[HeatherM]

Hi Mary,

i lost my husband of 24 years on october 6th, just a couple of months ago....he was only 54 years old...We have 4 daughters, 2 of them just 13 years old (twins)  I understand everything you're saying.  its unbearable - the grief, the suffering.  

 

 

[foreverhis]

20 hours ago, Mary G said:

Is there anyway to respond to each post separately?

 @Mary G  Hello.  I'm kind of new too, but thrashed about a bit (making some mistakes in formatting along the way) and think I have answers for you.

If you want to address a post to a specific member, just type @ followed by the screen name (no space between the @ and the name) as I did above; it's really helpful that a drop down list pops up so you can make sure you've got the right person.  If you want to then address a second member (and so on) in the same reply, just start a new paragraph and do the same thing for whoever you want to talk to next.

If you want to quote another post, you can either select the +Quote option at the bottom of the post and the whole post will be copied into a new reply box or (and I love this) you can just highlight to select the text you want to quote.  A little box comes up and asks "Quote selection".  Click on it, and the text you've highlighted will automatically be dropped into a new reply, including the member's screen name and when it was posted.  That's what I did with the text from your post for this reply.

I think I've got this next option right as well.  If you want to quote multiple parts of a post or parts of different posts separately, select the first part of the text you want to quote like I wrote above.  Then write your response to that text.  Next, scroll up to the next bit of text or the next member's text you want to quote and do the same procedure of highlighting and clicking Quote selection. That highlighted text will drop into the bottom of the reply you've already started.

I hope that helps (and I hope I'm right about all of it).

On 12/31/2018 at 10:07 PM, Mary G said:

People say just move on which I want to say you just don’t understand but I dont.

ARGH!  That makes me crazy.  Just move on?  Seriously?  It's not like we lost a pair of shoes or our team didn't win the game.  You are right that no one who hasn't been through this can possibly understand.  In fact, even here I would not say I "know" how you feel. I only know how I feel and go from there.  What you will find here are men and women going through similar experiences.  Some, like you and me, are new to it with the pain and grief an open wound that feels like it can never heal and the emotional roller coaster out of control much of the time.  Others, bless their hearts, are have the benefit of time and can be enormously helpful with experience, sympathy and advice.

On 12/31/2018 at 10:07 PM, Mary G said:

He was my soul mate and my best friend.

I know what it is to lose my soulmate, best friend, confidante, lover, advisor, sounding board, and partner in life's adventures.  The man who loved me, faults and all, The man who knew and shared my past and with whom I planned my future.  The day my love died, my heart shattered into tiny pieces that I may never be able to put back together.  So, although I do not know exactly how you feel, I offer you my deepest sympathy and my heart goes out to you.

Please come here often to talk, to rant, to ask for advice or just sympathy.  I'm not ready and may never be to join a local "in person" spouse loss support group.  And I looked at a number of other online forums/groups before taking the plunge here.  I hope you find it as beneficial as I have.

[Mary G]

@foreverhisThanks so much for the help. I havent joined a support group yet either just because I cry so much now that I know I am not ready. I just want to be depressed at this point, I am sure that sounds messed up but I just want to grieve in my own time. Its not that I feel sorry for myself, I just dont want to feel better right now. 

[SSC]

I too have recently lost my husband of 35 years.  We were high school sweethearts and I have no idea how to live without him.  For the last two and half months I’ve been living with my daughter.  Their support and love has saved me.  I’m going to transition to moving back home this week but I’m terrified.  I’ve never lived alone.  I’m afraid all the reminders of my husband will send me into a deep dark place that I’ll have difficulty finding my way out of.  

I have been seeing a therapist.  She’s helping me through the grieving process, however I find this forum to be so helpful.  Reading your stories makes me know I’m not the only person in the world dealing with this horrible pain.  Sometimes it’ll hit me all over again.  This is real.  This is really happening.  It’s not a nightmare I can wake up from.  This is my new life.  A life I have no desire to live anymore.  A life I would never wish on anyone.  How does one pick up the pieces and have any sense of normalcy after someone you live your life for dies?  My husband passed away suddenly and I never got to tell him how much I loved him. I hate myself for that.

[Mary G]

7 minutes ago, SSC said:

This is really happening.  It’s not a nightmare I can wake up from.  This is my new life.  A life I have no desire to live anymore.  A life I would never wish on anyone.  How does one pick up the pieces and have any sense of normalcy after someone you live your life for dies?

Everyday I ask God to wake me from this nightmare. Exactly how does one pick up the pieces??  This was second marriage for both of us and he truly saved me and showed me the true meaning of ❤️. He was 21years older than me and knew when we married the odds of him passing before me was high and he had some health issues. I always told him before we got married that I would be happy if we only had 5 years together because that is how happy I was to be with him. I retired in May of this year so we could begin our time but his health begain declining right after I retired. He passed exactly 5 months to the day that I retired.  I just want to feel the way I do in my own time. 

@SSC I am sorry that your husband passed suddenly and you didnt get to tell him things you wish you could have.  If this helps, I am sure he felt and knew how much you loved him. I did have time to tell him how much I loved and how much he meant to me❤️. 

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, Mary G said:

I am sure that sounds messed up but I just want to grieve in my own time. Its not that I feel sorry for myself,

Nope, doesn't sound messed up to me.  Not at all.  I'm not even sure it's a matter of "wanting" to be depressed.  You have every right to be depressed, I think.  You absolutely should grieve in your own time and own way.  Do not let anyone, not even here (though it's unlikely they would), tell you that you "should" or "should not" do, say, or feel things. 

Now, this may sound messed up, but I have no problem feeling sorry for myself right now.  I'm angry that life would do this to us and have decided that I am entitled to feel however I want with no guilt.  If others don't like it, too darn bad for them.

My husband was 10 years older than I, so we figured it was likely this would happen eventually.  We didn't expect it to be now, but I guess that's pretty common.

I'm glad I could help you with posting.  And big hugs to you.

 

5 hours ago, SSC said:

 I’ve never lived alone.  I’m afraid all the reminders of my husband will send me into a deep dark place that I’ll have difficulty finding my way out of.

That's something I'm coping with as well.  I've never lived alone and it seems so wrong.  It's not that I think I'm incompetent or stupid and can't deal with things.  It's that I am lonely for him.  I want his wise counsel, sweet voice, rich laugh, and his warm arms around me.  I want to know when I come home that he'll be there.  I wish so much that I could tell him how much I love and miss him--and so I do, often.

I can only speak for myself, but I find the reminders comforting in many ways.  I wear his flannel shirts on cold mornings now.  As well, it's when I'm in our house, what was a warm and loving home, that I can talk to him, cry, rant, and just be however I need to be.  I hope so much that he can hear me, that he's forgiven me my faults, and that he'll be waiting for me down the road.

If it becomes too much for you, please don't be ashamed or hesitate to call your daughter.  Talk to her, let her continue to help you.  And come here to talk, rant, or just let our whatever you need to express.  There are members here who've been walking this painful road much longer than we have and they can offer you tremendous help if you let them.

I'm so sorry you're also on this unwelcome journey.  There are days I wonder how I'll ever make it through.  I think we all feel that way sometimes.

[SSC]

Thank you for the communal support that is found here on this forum.  Although I would never want anyone to be in our situation, I find comfort that others understand what I’m going through. My 2 girls are very supportive and we have found great comfort from each other.  I have lost my Other Half.  I don’t have him anymore to comfort me.  He was there for me when my Dad died, so supportive with lots of hugs and kind words.  It’s such a weird feeling to be needing him to comfort me from losing him.  We’ve always been there for each other and now I feel utterly alone even though I have amazing family support.  

I am 51 and my husband was 53.  My planned future was built around his career and when he would retire.  I have to figure out a whole new life with a job that has benefits and work for another 14 years.  At least it’ll keep me busy. It’s just not what I had envisioned or worked and sacrificed for my whole life.  I’m not bitter.  I’m so deeply sad for the missed life that we worked so hard for.  The next 20 years were supposed to be “our time” now I have nothing.

[Sunflower2]

15 hours ago, SSC said:

I have been seeing a therapist.

I believe you will find that space with your therapist to be your grief sanctuary. In time with the support of your family, the therapist and friends you will discover what will guide you through this process in a way that works best for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[Sunflower2]

9 hours ago, SSC said:

 My husband passed away suddenly and I never got to tell him how much I loved him. I hate myself for that.

There is a trauma that accompanies a sudden loss.  This is where therapy can be of much support in helping you understand the impact of a sudden loss. 

Begin to recognize that anger is a healthy human emotion, that when accepted and expressed, enables you to heal.  

[Mary G]

4 hours ago, SSC said:

.  The next 20 years were supposed to be “our time” now I have nothing.

I actually have so much guilt because I feel like I let him down by not retiring sooner. When I did retire I was 8 days short of having 32 years in. Could have retired at 28 years but trying to have a better pension and I am not age to draw social security so when I saw that his health was declining this past May I made the decision. We have one son together who is on disability after a motorcycle accident and then a stroke and financially help him as well as our other children we each have a daughter from previous marriages and 4 grandchildren so we try to help them.  We were looking forward to “our time”. I feel like I am just rambling but I was busy at work because I was a manger at a facility for people who has intellectual disabilities and it was a 24/7 job always on call. Our son had his  motorcycle accident in 2014 and then a stroke few months later which took alot of my time from home and my husband. After he was under hospice care, I did tell him that I was so sorry but he told me not to ever say that again. 

In addition to that time away, I had to take care of my dad who ended up moving in with us in June 1016 until his death in January of 2017. The last 8 months before he died my dad was in a vicious cycle of getting pneumonia, hospital admission, rehab to get stronger then back to my house and then finally he went on Hospice and passed away at our home so we always had people in and out which he said he understood. A few months after my dad passed in January 2017 one of my brothers who was 58 was diagnosed with a brain tumor that was the most aggressive and worst kind to have. /Glioblastoma Multiforme. He passed away in February of 2018 so I spent time with him just about every day.  I think having lost 3 significant people in my life in less than 24 months and not really being able to grieve for my dad and brother and now this loss. I know this is a long post and Im sorry just needed to finally say all that. I havent been able to tell anyone that is how I feel.  Sorry again for the long post. Thanks for all the support 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Mary G said:

I am so touched by everyone’s response to my post. I am new to the forum. Is there anyway to respond to each post separately?

I pray that everyone had a blessed day. Happy New Year. 

You can hit quote at the bottom of the person's post and then type your response.  Or you can select something they wrote and you'll see a "quote selection next to it, click the "quote selections and then type your response.  Or you can tag someone by typing @theirusername, then clicking on it when it appears with their avatar, and then type your response. 

No need to apologize, it's why we're here.  The forum I found literally saved my life, and I want to be here for others going through it.  There is no expiration date to this journey, only learning to do it in our way, our time.

With the losses you've suffered, you might want to read this article:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html

[SSC]

9 hours ago, Mary G said:

I actually have so much guilt because I feel like I let him down by not retiring sooner. When I did retire I was 8 days short of having 32 years in. Could have retired at 28 years but trying to have a better pension and I am not age to draw social security so when I saw that his health was declining this past May I made the decision. We have one son together who is on disability after a motorcycle accident and then a stroke and financially help him as well as our other children we each have a daughter from previous marriages and 4 grandchildren so we try to help them.  We were looking forward to “our time”. I feel like I am just rambling but I was busy at work because I was a manger at a facility for people who has intellectual disabilities and it was a 24/7 job always on call. Our son had his  motorcycle accident in 2014 and then a stroke few months later which took alot of my time from home and my husband. After he was under hospice care, I did tell him that I was so sorry but he told me not to ever say that again. 

In addition to that time away, I had to take care of my dad who ended up moving in with us in June 1016 until his death in January of 2017. The last 8 months before he died my dad was in a vicious cycle of getting pneumonia, hospital admission, rehab to get stronger then back to my house and then finally he went on Hospice and passed away at our home so we always had people in and out which he said he understood. A few months after my dad passed in January 2017 one of my brothers who was 58 was diagnosed with a brain tumor that was the most aggressive and worst kind to have. /Glioblastoma Multiforme. He passed away in February of 2018 so I spent time with him just about every day.  I think having lost 3 significant people in my life in less than 24 months and not really being able to grieve for my dad and brother and now this loss. I know this is a long post and Im sorry just needed to finally say all that. I havent been able to tell anyone that is how I feel.  Sorry again for the long post. Thanks for all the support 

Wow, Mary. Obviously you are a loving, caring person.  To take care of so many people in their time of need.  I wonder how much love and attention you’ve been able to give to yourself?  So much loss in such a short time would very very difficult.  I hope you have a support system around you.  I can’t even imagine how you are coping.

My heart goes out to you.

9 hours ago, Mary G said:

I actually have so much guilt because I feel like I let him down by not retiring sooner. When I did retire I was 8 days short of having 32 years in. Could have retired at 28 years but trying to have a better pension and I am not age to draw social security so when I saw that his health was declining this past May I made the decision. We have one son together who is on disability after a motorcycle accident and then a stroke and financially help him as well as our other children we each have a daughter from previous marriages and 4 grandchildren so we try to help them.  We were looking forward to “our time”. I feel like I am just rambling but I was busy at work because I was a manger at a facility for people who has intellectual disabilities and it was a 24/7 job always on call. Our son had his  motorcycle accident in 2014 and then a stroke few months later which took alot of my time from home and my husband. After he was under hospice care, I did tell him that I was so sorry but he told me not to ever say that again. 

In addition to that time away, I had to take care of my dad who ended up moving in with us in June 1016 until his death in January of 2017. The last 8 months before he died my dad was in a vicious cycle of getting pneumonia, hospital admission, rehab to get stronger then back to my house and then finally he went on Hospice and passed away at our home so we always had people in and out which he said he understood. A few months after my dad passed in January 2017 one of my brothers who was 58 was diagnosed with a brain tumor that was the most aggressive and worst kind to have. /Glioblastoma Multiforme. He passed away in February of 2018 so I spent time with him just about every day.  I think having lost 3 significant people in my life in less than 24 months and not really being able to grieve for my dad and brother and now this loss. I know this is a long post and Im sorry just needed to finally say all that. I havent been able to tell anyone that is how I feel.  Sorry again for the long post. Thanks for all the support 

 

[Mary G]

1 hour ago, SSC said:

Wow, Mary. Obviously you are a loving, caring person.  To take care of so many people in their time of need.  I wonder how much love and attention you’ve been able to give to yourself?  So much loss in such a short time would very very difficult.  I hope you have a support system around you.  I can’t even imagine how you are coping.

My heart goes out to you.

 

I guess that is why I found myself here. I have family and few friends but no one who really understands my loss. You know how in the beginning eveyone calls and comes by and then one day its stops which is ok because I am not really social being at this point. I have a daughter from my first marriage who has alot going on in her own life right  now. She is there when I need her and my step daughter lives over an hour away and has her own life. We do talk and I love her like my own daughter but she lost her dad and is grieving. Our son has some issues he is dealing with that I cant help him with at this point.  

My nephew and his family came from out of state today for a visit and when I opened the door just starting tearing up  It was the middle of the afternoon and I was still in my PJ’s. I felt bad because I said I thought you would text or call to let me know you were close because I hate for you to see me this way. 

I have having them over for dinner with some other family tomorrow and I told them I would be cleaned up  

I do have a neighbor who comes by or calls several times a day to check on me. He lost his first wife several years ago and he says he knows how lonely and how much he cried. He and his wife have been really good to me. 

[Mary G]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

You can hit quote at the bottom of the person's post and then type your response.  Or you can select something they wrote and you'll see a "quote selection next to it, click the "quote selections and then type your response.  Or you can tag someone by typing @theirusername, then clicking on it when it appears with their avatar, and then type your response. 

No need to apologize, it's why we're here.  The forum I found literally saved my life, and I want to be here for others going through it.  There is no expiration date to this journey, only learning to do it in our way, our time.

With the losses you've suffered, you might want to read this article:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html

Thanks good articles. I just know that my sweet Ernest is disppointed in the way I am handling his death. I need to get his headstone but I just cant because it will make it real.  Doesnt that sound crazy?  Same with my dad the headstone was there but It was a little over a year before I could get his date of death put on his headstone because it made it real. Crazy right still doesnt change anything. 

[Mary G]

On 1/1/2019 at 7:28 PM, HeatherM said:

Hi Mary,

i lost my husband of 24 years on october 6th, just a couple of months ago....he was only 54 years old...We have 4 daughters, 2 of them just 13 years old (twins)  I understand everything you're saying.  its unbearable - the grief, the suffering.  

 

 

I am new to this forum but this seems to be a great place to come and get support. Our children are grown and I can’t imagine having small children to help and support them with grieving. We have small grandchildren two whom are 5 and 6 who need support as well as a 15 year old grandchild who seems to be dealing fairly well. Sending you hugs 

[foreverhis]

On 1/1/2019 at 8:24 PM, SSC said:

 My husband passed away suddenly and I never got to tell him how much I loved him. I hate myself for that.

I do not say this to be glib or minimize how you are feeling, but I have a question for you.  Is it possible that even though you didn't get to tell him one last time how much you loved him that he knew?  I'll bet you showed him that you did every day. 

I don't know how I would feel if I hadn't had that last time to tell my husband that I loved him.  But I can understand, I think, how hurt and angry you must be that you didn't get that opportunity.  Still I'm asking you to try not to hate yourself for it.  There was no way for you to know what was going to happen. I can only guess, but I bet your husband wouldn't want you to hate yourself for not knowing what the future would bring or that your love would be taken from you in the blink of an eye.

Please, try to be kind to yourself.  It's clear from what you've written that you loved him very much.  I can't imagine that he did not know it through and through.

[ModHerc]

@Mary G,

I'm so sorry for your multiple losses.  I relate to the feelings of guilt you have about not retiring sooner.  I lost my wife on December 25th, 2016 to a heart attack, but she had been ill for a long time.  Juvenile onset diabetes resulted in a list of medical issues including two kidney transplants, and quadruple bypass surgery.  And even with all of this I had a very busy work life, that included travel, late nights, early mornings, and simply not enough hours to share with one another.  I blamed myself for this after she passed, wishing I had just one of those days back to be with her.  In the end though I realized I had done what I needed to in order for us to live the life we had together.

You did the same.  You worked to provide the best quality of life you could for both of you.  Also the additional income may be necessary to help your son, if and when he resolves some of his current issues.  I don't want to tell you how to grieve, even if we all have similar experiences and feelings, each of us has to find our own path on this awful grief journey.  I will tell you that after reflection I no longer blame myself for the time I didn't get to spend with her, and I hope you come to that point as well.  Guilt was one of the most horrible parts of this journey for me.

It took me a full year before I was ready to get her headstone, and there were members of her family who were none too happy about it.  Our daughter wanted it done much sooner, and also wanted full control of the design.  It was one of the few times we have really butted heads about specifics since her mother passed.  In the end I told her that I would take anything she wanted into consideration, but that at some point in the future I would be under the stone as well, so the final decision was in my hands.  Take your time with it, do it the way you want and in the time you want.  No one has any right to rush you in any way on it, and it doesn't sound crazy at all to me.

Reviewing what I have done through my grief journey lead me to create this list.  As I said early, everyone’s path through this is unique, but there are many things that we have in common.  I hope that people fresh to grief find it helpful, as well as giving those further along on their journey opportunity to reflect.

1.  One day, one moment at a time. - It is ok to look at the future, particularly if you are having strong moments.  When it starts causing anxiety, panic, or discomfort it is important to stop and deal with grief in smaller, more manageable pieces.

2.  Practice self-care, particularly in the small things. – Your loved one would want you to take care of yourself.  This applies to all aspects of grief, but basic elements in particular.  Eat what you can, sleep when you can, exercise if you can, and drink plenty of water.

3.  Accept help when you need it, help others when you can. -  It is hard at times to accept help.  Grief may make you may feel that you are a burden, or that you aren’t worthy of being helped, both of which are untrue.  People who offer help do so because they want and need to.  It is often part of their grieving process.  If someone offers help without specifics, you may try to think of one small, but concrete thing they can do.  Let them pick up something from the store for you, cook you a meal, or help clean a room.  These are small things that have visible results.  Remember the "when you can" of helping others.  Helping people builds a sense of self-worth and purpose, but you have burdens of your own and don't need to overextend yourself.

4.  Establish and stick to routines. - This puts order into chaotic lives.  Try to go to and get out of bed every day at the same time.  Set schedules, with alarms in your phone if needed for the basics of life, shopping, caring for pets, eating, or cleaning.

5.  Allow time to grieve. - Ignoring grief may lead to further problems.  There are times when it is appropriate to disguise your emotions, but if you do that for too long it may lead to a setback in your grieving journey.  You may want to add this to your routines, and set one time a day to think about your emotions, loss, and how to cope with it.  Over time you may find you simply know when you need to take time to process your grief.

6.  Before making big changes take time to think them through. – This seems to go against one day, one moment, one breath at a time, but it is important.  Avoid making big changes in the first year.  Slow down and make sure what you are doing is good for you, not a reaction to your grief.

7.  Try new things. - The reverse of establish and stick to routines.  While routines bring order to the chaos, trying new things opens the door to future possibilities.  Start small, such as changing your routes to and from work or the store.  When you feel comfortable, look at trying large things such as changing long term patterns of behavior that no longer work for your situation.

8.  Do what feels right for you. – Self-confidence is often damaged by personal loss and grief.  You may stop trusting your instincts and second guess yourself.  Often your instincts are still correct.  If you don’t feel you are ready for something, listen to that inner voice.  This journey is hard enough, on occasion it is ok to indulge yourself even if it seems selfish to others.

9.  Separate guilt from regrets. -  Regrets are natural and we all wish we had done better at times.  Guilt is feeling you have done something wrong and blaming yourself for the situation.  None of us needs blame or condemnation through this process, least of all from ourselves.

10. It is OK to not be OK. – You are going through a very difficult experience.  It is normal to feel panic, anxiety, fear, anger, and depression.  Take those moments for what they are and work through them as slowly as you need to.  If you don't get something the first, fifth, or five thousandth time, that is understandable.  Take your time, regroup and try again.  Anyone who doesn't understand doesn't matter, and anyone who matters will understand.

11.  Grief can be a part of you without controlling you. – Early in grief it is all you may feel, in ways it may define you.  As you move through this grief journey, you will come to points where you can define your grief rather than the other way around.  While you may never be rid of it, you do not have to give it power over you.  You can find ways to live with it and find purpose or happiness even though grief will still be a part of you.

 12.  When truly lost, seek out an expert, then take and follow their advice.  -  No one knows everything.  It is normal to feel isolated and abandoned in grief.  Asking for, and accepting help doesn’t make you weak in any way.  It gives you the strength of your entire community.

Hoping you find this helpful, and wishing you all the peace and comfort possible

Herc

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Mary G said:

Thanks good articles. I just know that my sweet Ernest is disppointed in the way I am handling his death. I need to get his headstone but I just cant because it will make it real.  Doesnt that sound crazy?  Same with my dad the headstone was there but It was a little over a year before I could get his date of death put on his headstone because it made it real. Crazy right still doesnt change anything. 

No that's not crazy at all.  And I doubt he is disappointed in you because I think they have a heightened perspective now and they understand how terribly hard this is for us. I think if anything they're sending us positive vibes any way they can.  You will get his headstone when you are ready.  Many wait for a couple of years or so.  Grief is the weirdest thing, we learn to do what brings us comfort and to each of us that might be something different or it might be different at different points on our journey...and sometimes we have feelings that seem at odds with each other, all at the same time.  I learned to just let it roll and flow and not fight it.  You can always come here, we do get it, we understand and no one here will judge you for how you do it.

 

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I do not say this to be glib or minimize how you are feeling, but I have a question for you.  Is it possible that even though you didn't get to tell him one last time how much you loved him that he knew?  I'll bet you showed him that you did every day. 

I think that too.  My husband died of a heart attack...I'd thought we'd be together that night as he awaited his operation, but he didn't last that long, I never got that "last conversation" with him because people were around, then they moved him, then he was asleep, then he woke up having a heart attack, then the nurse threw me off the ward and locked the door.  I found a place to pray and maybe an hour later four doctors came towards me, they didn't have to say anything, I knew.  I remember thinking "This must be how a military wife feels when they come to her door."  
But George and I lived and breathed for each other, we adored each other, we showed it and said it each and every day...he had to know.  I'd bet your husband did too.  Perhaps you could write to him and tell him how you feel.  You never know, just maybe they can see it.  I write my husband, I talk to him too.  Call me crazy but I'm not alone in this!

[Sunflower2]

@Herc love the simplicity of your grief list!!!!!   Sounds so authentic and natural. I can feel it comes right from your soul.  Not a regurgitated book version. 

 

[ModHerc]

@Sunflower2 Thanks!  I put it together on this site after almost two years of reflection.  This community helped me create it and finalize it about a month ago.  When I hit low points through this holiday season I found myself going over it again frequently.  I hope it helps others, but it definitely helps me.

[Sunflower2]

@Herc  very touching.  Just printed it out and placed in my journal.    Simple reminders!   last year I was barely surviving.  There still are moments I feel I'm barely surviving but I noticed a fresher approach this morning and I'm now revisiting this as I continue to work my way through.  

NOT WORKING    name it so I can change it

STOP DOING    NO makes way for YES

This was part of a journal format my girlfriend shared with me.  It ignited a glowing spark even in grief.  A freshness.  I could not have asked myself this last January 2018. 

 

 

 

[Mary G]

15 hours ago, Herc said:

@Mary G,

I'm so sorry for your multiple losses.  I relate to the feelings of guilt you have about not retiring sooner.  I lost my wife on December 25th, 2016 to a heart attack, but she had been ill for a long time.  Juvenile onset diabetes resulted in a list of medical issues including two kidney transplants, and quadruple bypass surgery.  And even with all of this I had a very busy work life, that included travel, late nights, early mornings, and simply not enough hours to share with one another.  I blamed myself for this after she passed, wishing I had just one of those days back to be with her.  In the end though I realized I had done what I needed to in order for us to live the life we had together.

You did the same.  You worked to provide the best quality of life you could for both of you.  Also the additional income may be necessary to help your son, if and when he resolves some of his current issues.  I don't want to tell you how to grieve, even if we all have similar experiences and feelings, each of us has to find our own path on this awful grief journey.  I will tell you that after reflection I no longer blame myself for the time I didn't get to spend with her, and I hope you come to that point as well.  Guilt was one of the most horrible parts of this journey for me.

It took me a full year before I was ready to get her headstone, and there were members of her family who were none too happy about it.  Our daughter wanted it done much sooner, and also wanted full control of the design.  It was one of the few times we have really butted heads about specifics since her mother passed.  In the end I told her that I would take anything she wanted into consideration, but that at some point in the future I would be under the stone as well, so the final decision was in my hands.  Take your time with it, do it the way you want and in the time you want.  No one has any right to rush you in any way on it, and it doesn't sound crazy at all to me.

Reviewing what I have done through my grief journey lead me to create this list.  As I said early, everyone’s path through this is unique, but there are many things that we have in common.  I hope that people fresh to grief find it helpful, as well as giving those further along on their journey opportunity to reflect.

1.  One day, one moment at a time. - It is ok to look at the future, particularly if you are having strong moments.  When it starts causing anxiety, panic, or discomfort it is important to stop and deal with grief in smaller, more manageable pieces.

2.  Practice self-care, particularly in the small things. – Your loved one would want you to take care of yourself.  This applies to all aspects of grief, but basic elements in particular.  Eat what you can, sleep when you can, exercise if you can, and drink plenty of water.

3.  Accept help when you need it, help others when you can. -  It is hard at times to accept help.  Grief may make you may feel that you are a burden, or that you aren’t worthy of being helped, both of which are untrue.  People who offer help do so because they want and need to.  It is often part of their grieving process.  If someone offers help without specifics, you may try to think of one small, but concrete thing they can do.  Let them pick up something from the store for you, cook you a meal, or help clean a room.  These are small things that have visible results.  Remember the "when you can" of helping others.  Helping people builds a sense of self-worth and purpose, but you have burdens of your own and don't need to overextend yourself.

4.  Establish and stick to routines. - This puts order into chaotic lives.  Try to go to and get out of bed every day at the same time.  Set schedules, with alarms in your phone if needed for the basics of life, shopping, caring for pets, eating, or cleaning.

5.  Allow time to grieve. - Ignoring grief may lead to further problems.  There are times when it is appropriate to disguise your emotions, but if you do that for too long it may lead to a setback in your grieving journey.  You may want to add this to your routines, and set one time a day to think about your emotions, loss, and how to cope with it.  Over time you may find you simply know when you need to take time to process your grief.

6.  Before making big changes take time to think them through. – This seems to go against one day, one moment, one breath at a time, but it is important.  Avoid making big changes in the first year.  Slow down and make sure what you are doing is good for you, not a reaction to your grief.

7.  Try new things. - The reverse of establish and stick to routines.  While routines bring order to the chaos, trying new things opens the door to future possibilities.  Start small, such as changing your routes to and from work or the store.  When you feel comfortable, look at trying large things such as changing long term patterns of behavior that no longer work for your situation.

8.  Do what feels right for you. – Self-confidence is often damaged by personal loss and grief.  You may stop trusting your instincts and second guess yourself.  Often your instincts are still correct.  If you don’t feel you are ready for something, listen to that inner voice.  This journey is hard enough, on occasion it is ok to indulge yourself even if it seems selfish to others.

9.  Separate guilt from regrets. -  Regrets are natural and we all wish we had done better at times.  Guilt is feeling you have done something wrong and blaming yourself for the situation.  None of us needs blame or condemnation through this process, least of all from ourselves.

10. It is OK to not be OK. – You are going through a very difficult experience.  It is normal to feel panic, anxiety, fear, anger, and depression.  Take those moments for what they are and work through them as slowly as you need to.  If you don't get something the first, fifth, or five thousandth time, that is understandable.  Take your time, regroup and try again.  Anyone who doesn't understand doesn't matter, and anyone who matters will understand.

11.  Grief can be a part of you without controlling you. – Early in grief it is all you may feel, in ways it may define you.  As you move through this grief journey, you will come to points where you can define your grief rather than the other way around.  While you may never be rid of it, you do not have to give it power over you.  You can find ways to live with it and find purpose or happiness even though grief will still be a part of you.

 12.  When truly lost, seek out an expert, then take and follow their advice.  -  No one knows everything.  It is normal to feel isolated and abandoned in grief.  Asking for, and accepting help doesn’t make you weak in any way.  It gives you the strength of your entire community.

Hoping you find this helpful, and wishing you all the peace and comfort possible

Herc

@Herc Thanks this was very helpful. There are so many people here with words of comfort and I hope that one day I will be able to offer support to someone.