Heart is breaking

[Heart&Soul]

I lost my husband of 25 years to cancer 2 months ago.  We have no children so I am alone except for our dog.  He was my best friend - my everything.  I don't know how to go on without him.  We carved a life for ourselves where we didn't need anyone else we were happy just the two of us.  We were meant to be together - real soul mates.  So many obstacles were placed in front of us yet we couldn't be kept apart.  We planned to grow old together but now I have to face this life without him.  I can't breathe most days,  I cry all the time and I feel so empty.  How can I go on?

[tlc]

I lost my soulmate, the love of my life to prostate cancer in April 2018. The pain, no the agony of his leaving is the worst thing that I have ever endured and still enduring. Even though we were fighting that battle with the cancer for nine years, we were always positive, optimistic and looking for the next treatment option. In the end, it (the cancer) took control and took the person that I lived for and adored quickly. 

Like your experience, we lived for each other and did not need anyone else. We were together for 21 years. The best years of our lives.

I understand your pain. I have it too.

[Brazil Man]

I lost my wife to lung cancer. We were married for 30 years. We also lived for each other and were enough to each other.
She survived for 1 year and 8 months after diagnosis. It's been 7 months since she passed away but I still cry a lot.

6 hours ago, Heart&Soul said:

We planned to grow old together but now I have to face this life without him.  I can't breathe most days,  I cry all the time and I feel so empty.  How can I go on? 

We also planned to grow older together and I know how hard it is to see that the love of our lives is gone.

I am sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you.

[foreverhis]

Welcome.  I'm fairly new here and can tell you that everyone has been understanding and sympathetic in a way that's making a difference.  Finding people who are walking this devastating, lonely road has given me an outlet to express myself.  Many members have offered excellent advice.  Even the advice I don't agree with is helpful because it makes me think.

I lost my beloved soulmate, best friend, confidant, my everything to the bastard cancer as well.  We have a daughter and granddaughter, as well as a small tight circle of friends and family, but we were content to be just the two of us.  We had moved a couple of hours away from most of them and both of us had developed disabilities, so we were together nearly all the time.  I felt so lucky that we chose each other and so very happy that he loved me faults and all.  I cannot imagine what my life would have been without him.  I can barely accept that he is not with me now.  Every day is a heartbreaking struggle just to get up and try to function.  Some days I don't succeed very well just yet.  I suppose I am crying a bit less than I did at first, but not much less.  I am able to function a bit more than at first, but that's partly because doing "stuff" around the house and yard keeps me from simply melting into a little puddle of grief.

Most days my life seems surreal.  I'm here, but not here.  The oddest things will set me to crying yet again.  I was cleaning the vacuum filter today and noticed the only hair in it was mine.  There I went again crying, telling him how much I miss him and how wrong everything feels.  The thing is that I can say that here and know the members will understand and not judge.  Please allow yourself to cry, to scream, to do whatever you need to do.  And do not let anyone tell you what you should or should not be doing, thinking, or feeling.

I can't and won't say I "know" how you feel because our grief is unique.  What I can say is that you will find kindred spirits here.  Men and women whose loss is new and raw like yours and mine, and others who have the benefits of time, who are farther along this journey none of us wanted and, in many cases, had not expected.  As far as I can tell, no one knows how to do this and we all wonder how we can possibly go on.  There really are no set answers.  There certainly is no right or wrong way to get through it all.  I'm very slightly further along the journey than you are and all I can offer is that there are many of us here who understand what it is to lose our soulmates, our loves for this life-time and (we hope) beyond.

My heart goes out to you.  Please come here as much as you want, knowing that you will find both sympathy and help.

 

[HPB]

7 hours ago, Heart&Soul said:

He was my best friend - my everything.  I don't know how to go on without him.  We carved a life for ourselves where we didn't need anyone else we were happy just the two of us.  We were meant to be together - real soul mates. 

I'm so sorry, I share your deepest sorrow. I share, because what you are writing describes also my situation. 

7 hours ago, Heart&Soul said:

We planned to grow old together but now I have to face this life without him. 

Our spouses were our Love, our lives, and our future; we lost EVERYTHING. And we're left with nothing.

I don't know what to say, because I don't know how to go on myself, but my heart goes out to you.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Heart&Soul said:

I lost my husband of 25 years to cancer 2 months ago.  We have no children so I am alone except for our dog.  He was my best friend - my everything.  I don't know how to go on without him.  We carved a life for ourselves where we didn't need anyone else we were happy just the two of us.  We were meant to be together - real soul mates.  So many obstacles were placed in front of us yet we couldn't be kept apart.  We planned to grow old together but now I have to face this life without him.  I can't breathe most days,  I cry all the time and I feel so empty.  How can I go on?

My heart goes out to you...we here know what it feels to lose our soul mate and best friend, the love of our lives, it's hard.  I want to welcome you here, we'll be here for you while you go through this if you want us to.  It's been 13 1/2 years for me and my grief forum literally saved my life, don't know what I'd have done if not for them.  I wrote this article at about ten years out, on what I'd learned that had been of help to me in my grief journey.  Some things will stand out to you now, others later, some may not resonate at all, that's okay, we're all different as to what brings us any degree of comfort.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Heart&Soul]

Thank you so much for your kind words, advice and support .  It means the world to me.

[Sunshine247]

@Heart&Soul I also lost my husband recently, at the beginning of October. Also to prostate cancer - but he only fought it for two and a half years. He had a very aggressive form of it. I also am heartbroken and miss my soulmate, best friend, accountant, chauffeur, handyman, cook, chef, housekeeper - Bob did everything for me, for us. We also don't have children but we were all either of us ever needed or wanted. We have a very close circle of friends in Mexico, where we had been living part and then most and the full time for the past ten years. We lived in San Francisco for 22 (me) and 38 (him) years and sold our house there and bought one in Oceanside, near San Diego, where we have been living for about the past year and a half for him to receive treatments - but we don't know anyone here, other then my brother and sister in law and three nieces who live four doors away. Long story. So I can totally relate to your situation. I am only a month further along this journey than you - Bob passed away almost 3 months ago/12 weeks) and I am still trying to figure out the path. As others have said and will tell you, we are all in a club that no one ever wanted to join, on a journey none of us asked for - yet, somehow, we ALL manage to find a way to continue, even when we might not want to. You will find the things that work best for you. This forum has been immensely helpful to me - just to have a place to vent and share thoughts that others who have not experienced this would understand, to have people who accept and are patient and who don't get annoyed that we are "complaining" once again... it is very comforting. NO ONE here is EVER going to tell you that you should be "over it" by now or whenever. We ALL realize that NONE of us will ever "get over" losing the person that we love most in the universe. I have lost many pets and I have some friends who have suggested and even told me that I should be "used to this" by now... they don't understand that losing your husband is NOT like losing your dog or cat. Bob and I planned to grow old together too. He is 14 years older than I am, so I knew going into it with him that I most likely would end up losing him before it was my time to go, but I always thought that we'd be really old and that it wouldn't happen for another 20 years. Bob was 71 1/2 when he passed away, which isn't old. Gratefully, we LIVED life - he lived his life to the fullest for as long as he was able and never gave up or stopped fighting. 

Try to find comfort in your memories and let your husband's love (and God's, if you believe in that) fill you up and carry you along. I have some days that the grief and pain are just so overwhelming that I don't think there is any way that I can even breathe. I am Christian but have never been very religious but I have been turning to prayer to help me along. When I feel that I can't go on, I just pray that God and Bob will fill me up with love and I just turn it over to them - I actually say out loud - I can't handle this, you're gonna have to take it. And it helps. It really does. But that's for me. You will find what works for YOU. If you're not religious, maybe turning it over to the universe to handle is an answer. 

Try to find a grief counseling group near you if possible. I have called a grief counseling helpline that was provided to me by the funeral home that handled Bob's cremation and it has helped me during some times when I thought I was sinking into quicksand. Talk to a friend who has lost her husband, if you have one. I have been reading a few books on grief that have been very helpful to me and return to them and sections of them when I need to. And all of us are always here for you. We know what you are going through - each of our journeys are different but we share a common thread. Just don't think that you are alone because you're not.

And - hug your dog. S/he will be a source of unconditional love and comfort to you. Trust me on this one. I have two dogs and they have been my lifesavers on some days when I thought that I couldn't go on and that there was no reason for me to. I'm not and haven't been suicidal, but I have had days when going to sleep and just not waking up has seemed like a really good idea but then I worry about what would happen to them. They miss Bob too - my Golden Boy goes in and sleeps on Bob's spot on his bed (we were using separate bedrooms because of Bob's cancer) and my other dog, who was always a big aloof, has become a big cuddle bug and rarely leaves my side.

If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to PM me and I can send you my phone number. Just hang in there.

My husband's best friend's wife's husband passed away 11 1/2 years ago. I met her at Bob's memorial service at the beginning of November and it was the first time that I had seen his best friend in a few years - they grew up together in Arkansas. Anyway, Stephanie was very kind and talked to me very openly about what it is like to lose a husband. She has a PhD in psychotherapy and counsels cancer patients and their families and specializes in hospice work - not an easy job. As part of her job, she has a personal counselor to help her through losing a patient - something I'm sure that has to take its toll. She has been very helpful to me - I have called her a few times and she never gives me advice, just suggestions. But the one thing that she has told me, and it is true, even though it didn't seem like it could be the first time she told me - It DOES get better. 

Let your husband's love carry you. And it will get better. Maybe not ever good or great, but for me, being ok is good enough. And I'm doing ok. I hope that you are too.

Sending much peace and love.

[ModKatB]

I lost my husband to cancer this year. He was diagnosed on Jan 10th an he died Feb 9th. We were married for 21 years and he was my soulmate, we were not perfect but we were perfect together. Each of us that are here understand that you are in pain but we also know what you feel is different from what we may be feeling. As so many have said in their comments, this is just a good place to let those emotions out and to know that you are not alone on this journey.

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

[Heart&Soul]

Thank you Sunshine247 and KatB for your support.  I also am sending you love and the hope that we can all find peace and a purpose to carry on with our journeys.  January 2nd was our official wedding anniversary so it will be a difficult day for me.  This is also the day that I am returning back to work since I took a leave of absence to take care of my husband.  I hope the distraction of work will make it easier on me.  

 

[KayC]

I wish you the best on your return to work...I had to return after only two weeks and my brain/focus wasn't intact.  I asked my boss to doublecheck my work, something I'd never done.  My coworkers were great, very understanding.  They had someone who had suffered loss speak to them before I came back so they could know what to expect, how to respond to me in a supportive way.  That act of kindness meant a great deal.  I think overall it was helpful having something to do those hours of the day...unfortunately this was the beginning of the recession and they went out of business that year so I ended up looking for work, very hard!

I hope you have a boss and coworkers as understanding as mine, but if not, remember we're here for you!

[Heart&Soul]

Thank you Sunshine247 and KatB for your support.  I also am sending you love and the hope that we can all find peace and a purpose to carry on with our journeys.  January 2nd was our official wedding anniversary so it will be a difficult day for me.  This is also the day that I am returning back to work since I took a leave of absence to take care of my husband.  I hope the distraction of work will make it easier on me.  

Thank you KayC- yes my boss is very understanding and so are my coworkers.