Grief and guilt

[Aliceann10]

Hello I’m new to this forum, I lost my dad two weeks ago. It was sudden. My father was a very sick man but he was doing well. He had a long list of health issues, was on a number of medications and always in and out of the hospital. I was his caregiver along with home health aides he had taking care of him 24 hours a day. We lived in the same building but different apartments. I had little help from family when taking care of my dad. I paid his bills, made his doctors appointments, bought his food, cooked for him and so forth. It was stressful but I am the oldest and it was my duty. My dad and I had a complicated relationship and I resented him for all the bad choices he made in life and for the fact that I had to take care of him. But I was starting to get over our issues. He was a very sick man, I knew he wasn’t going to get better but I wanted him to be comfortable. So when he was admitted to the hospital on Friday and I got the call 2 days later that he had passed on Sunday morning I was devastated. I blame myself for everything that happened. I wonder if I could have done something differently maybe he would still be alive. He ran out of medication 3 days prior. I normally sort out his medication and call the pharmacy when he runs out but that week I was so busy and tired. I had ran some errands for him on Thursday and by the time I got home his medication came but I was too tired to sort them. So I said I’d do it the next day. The next day came and while at work I remembered his medication. I also got a call at work that day that he had passed out at home. My mind was racing. He had missed atleast 4 days of medication. If I had sorted them out he would still be here. I feel like a horrible daughter. I failed him. He would and should still be here. I cant eat, I can’t sleep, I keep crying about how I failed my dad and it hurts so much. This feeling is overpowering, it is the worst thing that I have felt in my life. I guess I am just looking for help where I can find it.

     

[reader]

Dear Aliceann,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss.

You did so much for your dad year after year without any help. I know its easy to say but hard to do, but please don't blame yourself. I'm not a medical professional but I can't imagine just 4 days is going to make a difference. I know its really hard right now and what you are thinking and feeling is part of your grief. Try to be gentle with yourself and know you are not alone.

We are here with you. I know others will add their experiences and words of support.

Thinking of you.

[Aliceann10]

On 12/28/2018 at 4:45 AM, reader said:

Dear Aliceann,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss.

You did so much for your dad year after year without any help. I know its easy to say but hard to do, but please don't blame yourself. I'm not a medical professional but I can't imagine just 4 days is going to make a difference. I know its really hard right now and what you are thinking and feeling is part of your grief. Try to be gentle with yourself and know you are not alone.

We are here with you. I know others will add their experiences and words of support.

Thinking of you.

Thank you for your kind words. I keep thinking about everything. I’m trying to take it day by day but it hurts so much.

[reader]

Dear Aliceann,

I hear where you are coming from. It is horribly raw and painful and difficult time. This happened to me too when my father passed. My mind would not rest and I kept going back and back about what I could have done to save him and keep him going. He too suffered from congestive heart failure. My dad was so strong I just kept expecting him to go on.

I also found this website Ageing Care very helpful. Lots of daughters and son taking care of their elderly parents and struggling with their grief as well.

Take care the best you can. Please know we are with you.