I don't know what she looked like.

[Marcel]

In some thread HPB posted C.S.Lewis' "A grief obeserved". I started reading it and something really struck me:

I cannot even see her face distinctly in my imagination.

It's really the same for me and I always wondered why. I attributed it to the state of shock I was in when it all happened. I knew what was going to happen, I was there for the planning and preperation and only afterwards I noticed how I had already faded away physically from the stress of the previous four years (I lost 35 lbs to 157lbs at 6'3"), so my state of mind might have been below par for some time already.
I don't have a clear image of her in her final moments. I have different images of her from different times over the years but I can't distinctively remember her look from the day she died and it bothers me.
In general I don't memorize faces well. I can meet someone and if he would approach me an hour later I would have no idea who he was. But this was my wife. I've seen her every day for almost 8 years and I can't remember any specific moment. Most of the images I have in my head are images I also have photographs of. It feels bad, like I didn't really know her that well, yet I always knew her soul and I can feel it right know.
Why can't I come up with a single clear image of her that is just in my memory and not supported by some physical means?

[KayC]

I don't know.  This might be a good question for a grief counselor.  It doesn't make sense, does it...any more than the fact I rarely have dreams of him.

[Moment2moment]

My love went through drastic physical changes the last 6 months in hospice.

My last photo of her was last summer. When I look at that photo of her smiling and still hopeful for recovery I feel a wave of sadness come over me, knowing that neither one of us had no idea what was to come. 

I remember exactly the last moment I saw her still alive in May and I try not to bring up that image in my head. That was not her, but a shell of her former self.

I have some photos that I set out so that I can recall her image the way she was before her decline. That is the way I remember her. I feel that she is now that way again on the other side. Healthy, happy, strong, and free.

 

[Brazil Man]

Hi Marcel
I am also not able to see the face of my wife in my imagination although I've seen her for 30 year.
I think this is due our difficulty to memorize faces.
 

[Sunflower2]

9 hours ago, Brazil Man said:

Hi Marcel
I am also not able to see the face of my wife in my imagination although I've seen her for 30 year.
I think this is due our difficulty to memorize faces.

Just a quick add.  It may be that visual recall is simply a weakness.  I'm great with visual recall but lack auditory recall etc. Oh and memory recall    You have the feeling in spirit and in love.  

[Marcel]

any more than the fact I rarely have dreams of him

Actually I dream about her often. In the beginning I was always thrilled to think I had her back only to realize that she was just visiting and had to go back. Now I already know that this is just a brief moment and that she actually is dead, even if I see her in my dreams.