I don't know how to do this...

[-Q-]

It might be too early. It might be too much.

On the 18th of December this year, my wonderful fiance of 5 years went missing.

I'd only gone for a nap. I hadn't slept well the night before. But when I woke again, there was a note left on the coffee table, his keys posted through the door and his phone had been left behind.

There were police at my house all night and the next morning, more police came to our home to tell me his body had been found. That he was gone. That I was never going to have another day with him. 

He was the love of my life. He committed suicide at the age of 35 at the site we had planned to get married. 

And I don't even know how I'm supposed to carry on without him. 

He had Aspergers. There are so many collections of his belongings. Lego, Batman merchandise and musical instruments. He was a musician. In 3 bands. I can't even listen to music any more. Everything makes me sad. 

I knew he was depressed. But he lied to me. Told me everything was fine. Said we'd have a great Christmas.

I thought he had gotten ready to go to work. But he hadn't. 

I've been cleaning the house, trying to sort through 35 years of collecting because his family want to sell it all and split the proceeds 3 ways. I feel guilty for already hiding some of his things because his family didn't pay for them. He bought them when we were together. I paid for a lot of it as gifts; every Birthday, Anniversary, Christmas, Valentine's and even Easter. There were random gifts too..  just because I could. And I'm torn over hiding them so they can't gain from them, and feeling bad because... they lost someone too. 

They don't seem to care much about his wishes funeral wise. They don't seem to care much that he left me in debt. It's all getting very complicated very quickly and I wish he was here to help guide me through it. 

He was my forever. We had so many plans. We'd just started saving towards a deposit for a house. We were going to go on holiday together in April. It was going to be the first Christmas in 5 years we both had off. 

If he was here, he'd know just what to do, what to say. He'd make sure I was cared for, that no one bullied me. We weren't rich people. The house is rented, rent was due on the 21st. He didn't think about that before he left. 

I feel like I've been through every single "stage of grief" a million times over every day. The slightest thing sets me off - like finding the Xmas gifts he'd bought for me. 

Even writing this, I feel like I've gone through every damn emotion possible.

I've been surrounded by friends and my family. Taken back to my mum's to be babysat. But all I want is to be home. In my space, sorting things out. Was meant to go today but I can't even convince myself out of bed. 

It's a daily struggle to look after myself. I feel sick and tired and unable to control my emotions 90% of the time. 

I just feel so very lost. I feel so numb and so confused about everything. Second guessing every decision I make. And... I don't know, I just needed to write all of this somewhere because even though I'd said I couldn't bare to read other people's stories, or hear them in a councilling group, I feel like some of you might have some good advice.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I was engaged to someone with Aspergers years ago, we are still close friends today.  It brings some unique things with it, fixations, focusing on one thing at a time, collecting, unique perspective.  You don't owe it to his family to give them his things, let them know you will need to sell some of his things to pay for the debt incurred, you'll do it in due time, right now you don't feel able to part with anything belonging to him unless you have to.  If they want something to remember him by, that's different, but to expect to make money off this seems wrong of them especially in lieu of your present need.  They should be helping you!

We won't leave you to go through this alone, we've all lost our partner, we have some similarities but also some uniqueness to our situations, our grief journeys.  You're likely still in shock.  I remember that time, I remember it so well.  I wrote this article and want to share it with you, it's what has helped me over the years, the best piece of advice I got was to take a day at a time, an hour or minute if that's all I could handle. 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Brazil Man]

1 hour ago, ~Q~ said:

The slightest thing sets me off - like finding the Xmas gifts he'd bought for me.

I know how it hurts looking at a gift that was given by our loved ones. I look at the things my wife bought, even little things, it it makes me cry a lot.
I am very sorry for your loss.

[-Q-]

I can't honestly say I know how to respond to both of these messages. 

Brazil man - I'm sorry you have to go through that too. 

KayC - Some of your suggestions are very helpful. Thank you.

I thought it would be easier coming here and talking to others who had lost someone so close to them, but I'm finding it a lot harder than expected. 

[ModKatB]

I am very sorry for your loss. While the reason for you being here is not one we would wish on anyone, I will tell you that you have found a group of wonderful people that will "listen" when you need it and they will share things with you from their own journeys. The tips that Kay has shared are some of the first things that helped me to find my way. I wanted to share something I wrote in the beginning of my journey because it was one of the ways I was able to express my jumbled up feelings. Now 10 months later I have found that is possible to breathe again and that there is hope.

 

 

Who am I now that you are gone?

What am I supposed to do with this life?

I did not want to be alone, without you by my side.

How can I take one more step or one more breath?

It hurts more than anything I have ever felt before.

This can't be happening, maybe it is just a dream.

No this is my reality, my new way of life.

I would give all I have just to have you back.

There is nothing for me to hold onto since you are gone.

I am just a jumble of emotions and no place to hide. KB

 

[Spengler]

My sympathy goes to you, Q. You loved and lost a very special person. I'm in a position to (somewhat) understand, since I, too, have Asperger's. People like myself are just as capable of loving as "normals," but our love tends to be more narrowly focused. And more intense. And when we're in a relationship, we may well be more tightly coupled with our partner than is usual.

 

You most certainly do understand your lost love better than his family does. You shared his thoughts and feelings and experiences for years. His family likely detached from him because he might not have been the easiest person to live with growing up -- and I know that from personal experience. You are in a better position to make decisions about the disposal of his belongings than his family members are. And, you have the right. He would have wanted that.

[Marcel]

3 hours ago, ~Q~ said:

I thought it would be easier coming here and talking to others who had lost someone so close to them, but I'm finding it a lot harder than expected. 

No it's not easier, but it still can help, because people here get what you're going through. In the beginning I couldn't talk or write about my wife without crying. It took weeks to even mention her without falling apart. Even now, after more than two years, it stings (you can replace the "g"). E.g. when our daughter mentions some of her quirks an habits we laugh and smile but inside the sadness immediately rises again. We can try no more than function on a basic level and letting our feelings come over us. I think it's important to let it happen and accept the fact, that the people around will never get what it's like. Focus on yourself and what helps you, don't worry too much about others.

[-Q-]

The "spare room" was his "geek room". It's packed to the rafters with books, Lego, musical instruments and other things. I've started clearing it all up. Boxing it away. Mostly because I'm feeling forced to do so.

"If you're happy to box everything up, me and my other son will take it away and sell what we can and split it 3 ways." His Dad said. This was on day 2. I agreed. Stupidly. Thought about it later "why should they?"

Sure, I can understand them wanting some of his things- a guitar his Dad bought him, maybe some bits to remember him by, but I can't let them take everything and split it 3 ways. He barely spoke to his family. It's all very stressful knowing I have to sort things out, but also keeping me occupied. I've never been very good at sitting still for too long.

The other issue we're fighting over is the funeral. My partner wasn't religious, his family however are. He wanted to have an eco funeral, to be buried under a tree (to be reborn). Because like the morbid people we were, we talked about all that stuff.

His Dad wants a cremation. To scatter his ashes somewhere totally insignificant. And we may be pushed into a religious ceremony by his overbearing very Christian mother.

Now... I'm not the type of person who is good at biting their tongue, so I hope if they don't take his wishes into consideration; they expect a bit of rebellion from me and our friends. 

I'm struggling with these pressures the family are presenting. I know my family wouldn't do this if the roles were switched. They wouldn't ask for anything. And it's very difficult to relax without knowing I have things sorted before they can raid the house.

[Sunflower2]

~Q~ without going into my specifics of my situation you may have to accept that there will be things you may not have a say in.  The funeral being one.  Regardless of what you and your partner shared you do not have the "benefits of marriage".  If it isn't in writing and if his family isn't open to compromising you may have to accept that. It is very painful but that basically is the bottom line.  As far as his possessions, if they are in the apartment you shared with him, then that you may have control over.  There isn't any reason you should not have control over his personal possessions. It is a very difficult time and even in your pain you are going to have to take a step back and really evaluate where you are in all this.  It gets to you "knowing when to hold and when to fold."  We make the best decisions we can make during a time we don't need added stress. 

Do the best you can given all you have to deal with. An option is that you can pack all that you want. Once that is done contact his family  and let them come and pack up themselves, the possessions of their sons that they are taking.  Think about that.  Let them be responsible for that.  Take exactly what you want and lovingly pack it for yourself!!!  I wouldn't create a confrontation because they basically are in control in other ways.   You can be gently firm.  Set a boundary and as hard as it is stick with it.  These are simply suggestions,  In the end you know the situation better than I do.  You know yourself. You know your strengths and you do have control over making the decisions that are best for you. 

If the parents are having difficulty compromising on the funeral it is very unlikely that they will consider a third consideration. 

[-Q-]

7 minutes ago, Sunflower2 said:

~Q~ without going into my specifics of my situation you may have to accept that there will be things you may not have a say in.  The funeral being one.  Regardless of what you and your partner shared you do not have the "benefits of marriage".  If it isn't in writing and if his family isn't open to compromising you may have to accept that. It is very painful but that basically is the bottom line.  As far as his possessions, if they are in the apartment you shared with him, then that you may have control over.  There isn't any reason you should not have control over his personal possessions. It is a very difficult time and even in your pain you are going to have to take a step back and really evaluate where you are in all this.  It gets to you "knowing when to hold and when to fold."  We make the best decisions we can make during a time we don't need added stress. 

Do the best you can given all you have to deal with. An option is that you can pack all that you want. Once that is done contact his family  and let them come and pack up themselves, the possessions of their sons that they are taking.  Think about that.  Let them be responsible for that.  Take exactly what you want and lovingly pack it for yourself!!!  I wouldn't create a confrontation because they basically are in control in other ways.   You can be gently firm.  Set a boundary and as hard as it is stick with it.  These are simply suggestions,  In the end you know the situation better than I do.  You know yourself. You know your strengths and you do have control over making the decisions that are best for you. 

If the parents are having difficulty compromising on the funeral it is very unlikely that they will consider a third consideration. 

Sunflower

 

Thank you.

Your words make a lot of sense and actually helped put things in order in my head a little. I cannot control everything - if I could... well... I might not have needed a grief forum.

You're totally right about having to know which hand to play and when to fold.

And maybe my say isn't worth a lot in the long run - but I can try. And if I fail - maybe I'll have my own little goodbye to him in a way he would have liked.

[Sunflower2]

6 minutes ago, ~Q~ said:

I'll have my own little goodbye to him in a way he would have liked.

yes  

7 minutes ago, ~Q~ said:

I might not have needed a grief forum.

This is all about support.  This does not reflect you not having everything under control. You are in deep pain.  This may be a vey safe place for you now and for as long as you need it.

[-Q-]

I likely word things incorrectly currently. Or oddly, because my brain isn't fully "online" 

 

What I meant was; if I had the power to control everything, he'd still be here 

[KayC]

On 12/24/2018 at 2:11 PM, ~Q~ said:

Now... I'm not the type of person who is good at biting their tongue, so I hope if they don't take his wishes into consideration; they expect a bit of rebellion from me and our friends. 

Well good for you because you need to stand up for yourself and not let them take advantage of you in your vulnerable state.  Just explain to them that you were still in shock and not able to think straight and you're not comfortable with splitting things this way and you're not ready to part with his stuff yet, you'll let them know if and when.  Sometimes it helps to deal with their stuff little by little and not all at once, that can be overwhelming to our emotions.  Please give yourself time.  You alone can decide what you want to keep and it may take a while to figure that out.

[-Q-]

I really struggled today.

I don't really know why it was so difficult.

Every year, I go to the boxing day sales. One shop in particular. I didn't realise how bad it would make me feel. 

I struggle with anxiety, which never helps with things like this, but... 

We had plans. I was supposed to be working today- a 12 til 8 shift. He was going to take me into town and stand with me in the line for my shop. "If you have to go leave to go to work, I'll make sure you get something" he'd said. 

So when I went into a different town (because my family don't live in the same town I do), I had to convince myself that it was ok. I had to tell myself that self care was important and that he'd want me to get in that damn queue for my favourite shop. 

But it didn't make it easier to know he wasn't there holding my hand through the anxiety of it all. It doesn't help that I had a nightmare and didn't sleep well last night. I've always had quite a vivid imagination and he always soothed me through my nightmares, made me feel better afterwards and cared for me when I couldn't sleep. 

My mum kept asking if I wanted to go to other shops, but I already feel bad for spending money in the sales, so I said no. 

I feel guilty for spending money, guilty for not being at work and sad that the plan we had for the day didn't happen. 

[KayC]

No it didn't make it easier but I applaud you for doing it...you see, you are so right about self-care.  And in the beginning it may feel like just going through the motions, but eventually, it'll make a difference.

As for the guilt, those are just feelings, neither earned nor deserved...try visualizing guilt and spitting on it!  I know, sounds crazy/stupid, but tell guilt what it can do!

[-Q-]

KayC

Can i just say - you are a spitfire! You are so helpful and I adore that spunky attitude of yours. Your suggestion about guilt made me giggle (it felt strange at first, but I let it roll).

 

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has commented so far. I'm still uncertain if I'm in the right place yet, but people do keep telling me it takes time.

Unfortunately I make for someone who's very bad at taking time to "recover/relax"

[KayC]

Oh this takes time alright, more than you care to know.  That's okay, we have plenty of it.  It takes what it takes. 

 

[crackerjack4u]

Q, I am so sorry for your loss.  It's truly sad that during your time of mourning and grief that his family is adding all this additional and unnecessary stress onto you.  I so agree with the others to take out what you want of his items, or the items you purchased etc., and put those back for yourself without the family even knowing that you have those.  You are entitled to those items.  

Here is a thought that I had when reading your thread.  Not that during your grieving you even want or feel like dealing with anything other than your grief, but the family is forcing you to with no consideration for you, or the debt you're now being left with. It breaks my heart to even bring something like this up at a time like this to you, but I think this is something during your time of grief you might not have thought about as an option.  I also think this option would need to be in place, have it already written out, and get it signed by them before you allow them to walk out the door with any of his items.  

You said that he left you in debt, if there is a way for you to prove that the bills he left were in fact his or (his share) then I don't see why you couldn't force his family (who have, with zero consideration for you, named themselves as the top dogs of everything in this tragedy), to pay off his debt to you considering they are confiscating all his belonging in order to sell them, and split them 3 ways? (If they left you the items to sell and pay off his debt that would be an entirely different story, but they are greedily taking them all, and leaving you with the debt that he owes. I am no attorney, but I would think from a legal stand point that they can't legally do that.  I would think the debt left by him to you would be considered as part of the bills that they would need to Pay In Full before they could close his estate, and before they could even split the money 3 ways from selling his items. They would need to split the money that's left After all his debts are paid off, not before.   That's just a thought, and like I said I know you don't want to have to deal with anything right now other than your grief, but if his family wants to take everything, sell everything, and split everything 3 ways, then perhaps you could let them have Everything, the debt left included. 

Again Q, I am truly sorry for your loss, and my heart breaks for you for having to even deal with the tragic loss of the man you love, let alone, all the issues you are being forced to deal with from his family.  

Also I think if the family fails to do his funeral the way you know he wanted it done then you doing your own ceremony is a beautiful idea.  There is a place online called Perfect Memorials, and they have some beautiful memorial type things like plaques, etc. if you decided to plant a tree in his honor, or have a bench made or something like that, and might want something like that to put on it.  Hugs to you hun and I'm so sorry that you are going through this.          

[KayC]

Also, about the debt...when my husband died, the hospital was hounding me to pay the thousands of dollars for his medical expenses and they didn't even itemize it, they said it'd be 29% interest, which I knew I couldn't afford, so I remortgaged my house to pay all the debt.  A few years later I found out that according to our state's law, I would not have been responsible for his bills unless I signed for them, which I had not.  The hospital knew that yet they were hounding me at my most vulnerable state.  I had no $ for a lawyer but I would have been money ahead had I seen one.  I'll be paying on these debts the rest of my life.  So make sure you really are responsible before you pay anything!

[ModKatB]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Also, about the debt...when my husband died, the hospital was hounding me to pay the thousands of dollars for his medical expenses and they didn't even itemize it, they said it'd be 29% interest, which I knew I couldn't afford, so I remortgaged my house to pay all the debt.  A few years later I found out that according to our state's law, I would not have been responsible for his bills unless I signed for them, which I had not.  The hospital knew that yet they were hounding me at my most vulnerable state.  I had no $ for a lawyer but I would have been money ahead had I seen one.  I'll be paying on these debts the rest of my life.  So make sure you really are responsible before you pay anything!

The people collecting debts have no sense of compassion at all. I have had to fight with several companies about what my husband owed at his time of death. Good thing is I had already been thru something like this before and knew what I was responsible for and what I could push aside. If it is hospital bills you are not responsible unless you were the one that signed the papers when they were admitted. Credit cards in both names can either be a Joint Account/ which you would be responsible for payment or it can be Authorized User/ which you will not be responsible for. Things that are collateral loans such as a house or car really depend on whether or not you are a co-signer on the loan. If you are not sure about all of it please try and ask someone because unfortunately people will take advantage of you when you are going thru all of the emotional ups and downs. As Kay said, Make sure you are really responsible before you pay for anything.

[-Q-]

Hi guys.

I feel like I should clarify some things.

I was the main wage earner. I let him skip out on a lot of bills to fund his hobbies- out of love mostly. However, he never skipped rent day or "end of the month" bills. But, he left me having to pay both those things alone this month and hereafter.

His Dad has asked me about my partner's bank details - I didn't have access to these. We had seperate accounts. He had to manually pay me money over. I don't know what he earned and he didn't know my earnings. It's how we liked it. Our funds very Independant from one another. I do know that there was enough in his account to pay rent this month and that he would have been paid on the 21st... so there's that money in there... however much that is. I have no entitlement to it with not being next of kin or an official spouse.

I've been keeping myself busy sorting out his MASSIVE Lego collection. 

What his Dad had said was "if you're happy to box it all up, we'll take it away to be sold and split it 3 ways". 

It was only AFTER that conversation when I thought about what I'd just agreed to. He'd made sure I was alone and had spoken to me on day 2... I definitely did NOT have capacity to make decisions at the time. My mum is furious about this. We've started boxing stuff up to sell before he even gets a look in. Because to us, it seems as though the money is all he's bothered about. 

He asked me for money for the funeral (after saying he would take care of it). Asked my mum for money for the funeral. Asked his other son for money for the funeral too. Now... my partner's grandad died a year ago and left him a large sum of inheritance money. I told his dad to use whatever is left of that (because my partner had dug into it and it's being kept in an account in his dad's name). 

My partner's brother...(the Other son)... they're basically millionaires. Sister in Law is a surgeon and that's the SECOND income. They live in a 6 bedded mansion with 4 acres in a very expensive area. They and my partner's dad go on several holidays a year.

In 5 years, I've met his brother twice and we've NEVER asked for help with anything financially. When we did, my partner paid it back through labour or by replacing the money.

Today: his dad messaged me after 2 weeks (after spending Xmas with the rich son... He got to have Christmas you see... my plans had to be cancelled completely) asking me if I needed help sorting things out. I don't trust him anymore, so I said no. 

He said I was "brave" for returning home so soon (I have to, there's a whole room packed to the rafters that I need to sort out) and I want to be in my own space.

I used the excuse that I had "plans" so couldn't meet on the day he had chosen and he said "I'm glad you're busy"

His words reek of condescension. Yes I'm f***ing busy... making sure you don't steal half of the things I bought my partner as gifts you slimy s***.

But... at least this Lego sorting provides a damn good distraction. And... actually, I'm finding it quite therapeutic.

[-Q-]

The debt he left me in is minimal... right now.

Howver; my doctor doesn't believe I am capable of work right now; so next month may be tight. 

We shall see. 

[crackerjack4u]

Q, I'm so sorry that you are going through all this.  It is so hard when a person is grieving to attempt to do anything, let alone, having additional burdens and stress placed upon them. I'm glad to hear that the debt left was minimal, and that as pressured as you are to get things sorted that some of it is proving to be somewhat therapeutic for you.  Move only at Your pace, and in your own time though as only you know what you are, and are not capable of doing or sorting through right now.  If you get to the point where the sorting is causing you even more heartache, etc., and you feel as though you need to stop and take a break to grieve, then do it, and let them wait.  The most important thing is that you take care of yourself right now, and that you allow yourself to grieve whenever, and however you need to.  It sounds like your mum is a good support system, and has your back which is so important to have during times like these.  

As far as the family requesting money, etc.  all I can do is shake my head, and tell you how sorry I am that they are doing all that stuff to you.   

My heart goes out to you during this difficult time. Again I'm so sorry for your loss.      

[-Q-]

crackerjack - I'm quite lucky really. I'm one of those annoying people who gets restless easily and simply NEEDS to be doing something. If I wasn't doing something I believe it would be very easy to give in to the grief/depression which comes with this territory.

Yes - his family are being... *insert less than savoury curse word here*, but at least I'm keeping my brain away from possibly darker territory. People keep saying to me that everyone deals with grief differently. I have nothing to compare this too having never experienced a close loss previously, but... I don't know... I might regret some of the things I'm doing and saying at a later date. My mum insists I don't get rid of everything, but I was never one of those people who get attached to 'things', so I find it quite easy right now. Ask me in a months time if getting rid of some of it was a good idea and I might question it. But I am keeping some items. I've hidden things already.

Was clearing out the DVDs today. There were so very many films/shows I didn't like and wouldn't watch, but my heart skipped a beat when I put some of them in the 'for sale box'. I don't even like them, so I don't know why my anxiety decided that it was a good time to think... "well... maybe you should keep it anyway".

I don't get it. Not when I am keeping some much more important and cherished items.

 

I watched a show once called "Go On" it's a comedy about a man who loses his partner and has to join a grief group. I remember an episode where he was going to give away his wife's sewing machine and found it really easy to say "Oh yeah, please take it away." Then realised he actually wasn't ready for that yet.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm gonna do that, but when it's too late to take it back. And at the same time, I have zero want to keep these things I'm getting rid of (at the moment, transformers toys). I hated them.

Urgh. Why does grief make you question every single decision you make?

[crackerjack4u]

4 minutes ago, -Q- said:

crackerjack - I'm quite lucky really. I'm one of those annoying people who gets restless easily and simply NEEDS to be doing something. If I wasn't doing something I believe it would be very easy to give in to the grief/depression which comes with this territory.

Yes - his family are being... *insert less than savoury curse word here*, but at least I'm keeping my brain away from possibly darker territory. People keep saying to me that everyone deals with grief differently. I have nothing to compare this too having never experienced a close loss previously, but... I don't know... I might regret some of the things I'm doing and saying at a later date. My mum insists I don't get rid of everything, but I was never one of those people who get attached to 'things', so I find it quite easy right now. Ask me in a months time if getting rid of some of it was a good idea and I might question it. But I am keeping some items. I've hidden things already.

Was clearing out the DVDs today. There were so very many films/shows I didn't like and wouldn't watch, but my heart skipped a beat when I put some of them in the 'for sale box'. I don't even like them, so I don't know why my anxiety decided that it was a good time to think... "well... maybe you should keep it anyway".

I don't get it. Not when I am keeping some much more important and cherished items.

 

I watched a show once called "Go On" it's a comedy about a man who loses his partner and has to join a grief group. I remember an episode where he was going to give away his wife's sewing machine and found it really easy to say "Oh yeah, please take it away." Then realised he actually wasn't ready for that yet.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm gonna do that, but when it's too late to take it back. And at the same time, I have zero want to keep these things I'm getting rid of (at the moment, transformers toys). I hated them.

Urgh. Why does grief make you question every single decision you make?

Q, Staying busy can be a good thing as long as it's on your terms, and you're not basically feeling like you're being forced into it when you're not ready yet.  

Yes, everyone deals with grief differently, but also every loss is different too, so the grief that a person experiences with the loss of one close person in their life might be completely different than what they experience with the loss of someone else close.

As far as getting rid of things or not getting rid of things, all you can do is all you can do. Do what you feel you need to do either way. The things you're not sure about just yet, wait on those until you are sure.  That's why I said go at your pace, and don't let anyone rush you.  My husband passed away on Oct 24th 2018, and I've yet to clean his clothes out of the closet, or out of his dresser drawers, or his toiletries out of the bathroom just because I feel I'm not personally ready for that yet, it would make things too final for me.  But I did hand out His hats at his memorial service to his family and friends, and that didn't bother me at all, because I felt that's what he would want me to do with them. There's no right or wrong way at doing any of this we have to just do what we feel in our hearts is right for us at the moment.

I suspect the DVD triggered a response because those particular ones were special to Him, and because he is special to you, and that is why you questioned whether to get rid of them or not.   You will find smaller items that you don't even consider significant or important that will trigger a response like that along the way.  That is when you will decided to keep it, get rid of it, or wait till later to decide. The show you referred to is a classic example.  The sewing machine wasn't important to him, but since it was important to her, it then became important to him because it reminded him of her.

What you could do, if you wanted to is on the things that you do decide to get rid of now that you think you might question later, take a picture of the items before getting rid of them, and let the pictures be the reminder for you, instead of the actual items themselves.  When grieving it often becomes really easy to grasp on to every inanimate object that serves as reminder of them to us.    

I sure wish I had a absolute answer to your question of "Why does Grief make you question every single decision you make", but unfortunately, I don't, but it sure the heck does.   My thought is that because we are grieving and have lost someone so very special in our life, and in our hearts that we tend to question every decision because we are lost, confused, and we want to try to hold on to everything we possibly can in order to try to keep the person we lost as close to us for as long as possible. Also I think it is because before they passed we would rely on them to help guide our decisions, and now that they are gone we don't have their input to help guide us any longer causing us to question it.

Peace and strength to you during this difficult time.         

      

[KayC]

My husband loved music, he had very eclectic taste.  Our favorite music was country, but he also loved reggae, blues, classical, rock.  I liked everything but heavy rock.  Neither of us liked rap.  But he had a large CD collection.  When he died, I made a point of listening to each and every CD he had, in an effort to try and understand why he picked that particular album, what spoke to him, what he liked about it...and some of it definitely was not my taste.  But it's as if I was trying to understand HIM in every aspect.  Once I listened to all of them, I felt free to give away the ones that were not my taste, but not until.  Maybe that's some of what you were feeling about the DVD's.  Grief is strange, how it hits us.

I'm pragmatic, I'd sell enough of the legos to ensure I'd have rent money until I could figure out where to go from there (get a second job, roommate, move, whatever to get by).  Moving would be tough so soon as that was shared space together, memories, etc.  If his dad brings it up again, you could conveniently "forget" about that conversation as you were in the shock stage of grief.  It ticks me off that they could try to take advantage of you like that!  This is their son's chosen partner!  They should be caring about you and ensuring you'll be okay!  But then I didn't hear from George's brothers except one of them tried to get his coin collection that he no longer even had, wrote from prison saying he thought it should go to his son (George's nephew that he didn't know).  People never cease to amaze me.

[-Q-]

My partner loved music too. We had so many YouTube playlists. And he was a musician too, recorded some of his open mic night stits. I haven't been able to bring myself to listen to those yet.

Like I haven't been able to listen to much music at the moment because every damn song that isn't in the charts has a memory attached to it or words which instantly make me sad. He used to 'seranade' me. We'd sing together in the living room. I had a live band in my living room every Tuesday and Thursday. It was amazing. But now... music means too much. I'm gonna be a wreck when they play any of the songs which meant anything to him at the funeral. Good job I never wear make up - queue Panda eyes.

So far, I'm mostly concentrating on getting rid of the other toys he collected. I'm lucky really that there are so many friendly people willing to help online. That and a bit of research will make this process SO much easier. I also have friends coming over regularly to help me get through sorting this Lego out. It'll take a very long time. But every step is a step in the right direction.

I don't want to move out yet. I can't actually afford to move either, so there's that. As much as I'd love to run away and start a blank canvass, it will have to wait until my own finances are back in shape. The selling side of things, hopefully will help with that.

When I am at work (and not off sick on Doctor's orders) I'm a nurse, so there's no way I could get a second job with the hours I pull, but I can pick up extra shifts. There are always extra shifts.

[Sunshine247]

@crackerjack4u Bob passed away October 4, 2018 and his clothes are still in the closet and dresser, all of his things are still in his bathroom, his shoes are still under the chair near the front door and his backpack is still on top of it. I can't bear to put them away yet so I won't. They aren't bothering me and I don't have anyone really coming to visit me and even if they do and it bothers them, that's their problem, not mine. I like that you gave his hats to people. Bob has a kabillion hats - I would have to find them all first - but at some point, I will do the same thing.

@-Q- I am so sorry for your loss, which I know probably just sounds like words at this point. But my heart hurts for you. I agree with whomever said to pack up what you want, to either keep or sell, and let his family come and pack up whatever it is that they want. You're not working for them. Unless you have legally binding contracts, I'd let them pick up all of the tabs for his debts too - legally, that is who the debtors will go after - next of kin. As far as this funeral arrangements, you unfortunately might not be able to have any say in those - BUT if he is cremated, perhaps you could ask his family to give you some of the ashes and you can have the eco-ceremony that your partner would have wanted. There is a company here in the US that sends you an urn and then plants it with a tree in it. I can send you the link if you want. Just remember - you can always lock the door and not answer it, or the phone, if his family continues to pressure you. It doesn't sound like you would be losing much of a relationship with them any way.

I hope your partner has found the peace that he seems to have been searching for and I hope that you can find some too. Please take care of yourself. Remember, there are many of us here that care and are always here for you.

Sending lots of hugs and love and peace.

[-Q-]

@Sunshine247

[-Q-]

I can't seem to figure out how to tag people. Huh.

 

I mentioned maybe having some of his ashes. My mum basically made me cry by saying "no, that would be like tearing him in two".

So that made me rethink that one.

 

I already have plans to have my own little ceremony. I'm going to be buying a potted tree for my garden and inviting his close friends (who were more family to him than his own family) to tie wishing/hope bands onto the branches. It's an old Celtic tradition, sometimes seen also in Mexican and Japanese traditions. I'm going to dedicate said tree to him and when I move (whenever that will be), tree will be coming with me. I'm going to bury some coins in the soil (so he can pay the ferry man) and possibly something he loved will go into the soil too (one of his many posessions).

As for the things, to be honest, I'd rather sort them out than let his family take them away. At least I know what bits go with what in terms of Lego kits. I have a feeling his family would just put it all in one box and sell it by the kilo. Which breaks my brain a little bit. They can have all of what I'm calling the "miscillanious Lego" and I've been asked by his Dad to put aside one of his guitars. Everything else, they can damn well wait for me to finish organising.

[Marcel]

I don't cling to things that belonged to my wife with a few exceptions.
Our daughter picked everything she wanted. I gave all her clothes to charity except her wedding dress. That is the dress she was wearing at our formal marriage. The one she picked for our planned church wedding is the one she was buried in.
And I kept the old longcase clock she inherited from her great grand mother. It was her only physical possession that meant anything to her.
Anything else I got rid of. I don't need "things" to keep her in my life. She's always there, she in my dreams often. In more than two years I have been to her grave maybe four times, I didn't gain anything from it; she's closer to me in our house.
We were reading the "Outlander"-series by Diana Gabaldon. I finished reading it all by myself and then gave it to our daughter. I felt like finishing what we started and then gave them to our daughter as I'm done with it.
So pick what's important to you, take your time with what was important to both of you. If you're not sure, put it in a box in the basement. The rest you can give away or sell.
It's your decision, go at your own pace.

[crackerjack4u]

3 hours ago, Sunshine247 said:

Bob passed away October 4, 2018 and his clothes are still in the closet and dresser, all of his things are still in his bathroom, his shoes are still under the chair near the front door and his backpack is still on top of it. I can't bear to put them away yet so I won't. They aren't bothering me and I don't have anyone really coming to visit me and even if they do and it bothers them, that's their problem, not mine. I like that you gave his hats to people. Bob has a kabillion hats - I would have to find them all first - but at some point, I will do the same thing.

I feel the same way about my David's items, and they'll remain right where they are until I feel I'm ready to move them.   David also had tons of different types of hats, and you didn't see him where he didn't have one of them on.  I felt that was my way of allowing his closest family and friends to be able to have something that I/they knew was special to him.  I felt it was kind of like allowing them to take a small token, or perhaps served as reminder of a special memory they had of him wearing a particular hat. I know that it meant a lot to those who received one, (several of them actually cried when they realized why they were being called to the front of the room). No one had a clue I planned to let them pick out the hat they wanted from the huge hat tree I had displayed at his Memorial but I'm really glad I did, and I think Dave would have wanted it that way too.    

[ModKatB]

When Billy passed away we had already been in the process of selling our home so I continued on with the sale. Since his daughter had come down just before he went into hospice care she was with me when he died. Once all the arrangements were made for his creamation I gave her all of the pictures and things that he had kept over the years from his side of their family. I kept things that meant something to us. I also let my daughters have anything that they might have wanted because they were close to him even though he was step-dad. I packed everything I needed and gave away the rest. I think for me it is not so much the physical items but the wonderful memories of the things we did together that keeps him in my heart. We each have to find what is most comfortable for us and not to worry about what others "think" we should be doing.

[foreverhis]

On 12/29/2018 at 12:45 PM, Sunshine247 said:

They aren't bothering me and I don't have anyone really coming to visit me and even if they do and it bothers them, that's their problem, not mine.

I hope this doesn't gross out anyone, but my love's ashes are in a handsome leather cylinder that sits on top of our entertainment center.  I've told everyone that it is so he can keep an eye on me.  In front of it, I have a casual photo I took of him with our granddaughter last year.  I told our daughter flat out that I would not be moving them even if she thought they would upset her, that not even for her would I "hide" her daddy.
 

While I have sorted through many things and have donated some, I've kept many things right where they always were.  There are shoes and jackets in the front closet, some of his clothes still hang in the bedroom closet, and many of his personal items are still in the bathrooms and around the house.  It took me 3 months to move his secondary computer monitor upstairs to storage, but his laptop still sits on his table, right along with his drafting light and kleenex box.  It took me 4 months to decide it was okay to move some of my clothes up from the bottom dresser drawers, but the top drawer is his and always will be. I am wearing his flannel shirts on cold mornings.

Like you, I don't care at all if that bothers anyone.  If people get upset, they're free to leave.

@-Q-  I am so sorry you have to deal with his horrid family pressuring and hounding you, ignoring your wishes, and making things worse.  You are under no obligation to do anything on their time line or share anything that belonged to the two of you.  I'm glad your mum is being a rock of support for you.  It sounds like you have some supportive friends as well.  Lean on them and let them help you when things become too much for you.  Don't let anyone tell you what you "should" be doing.  Those are your choices alone.

I don't know what to say about your shocking loss except that I am so very sorry you have joined the rest of us here on the painful journey.  And don't worry that you don't know what to do.  It sounds like you might be finding the sympathy and advice here helpful.  I hope so.

I disagree with your mum on one thing.  I do not believe having some of his ashes would be tearing him in two.  I believe it could be sharing his love and an important part of his memory for you.  But only you can decide if it would be comforting or painful.

My heart goes out to you and the painful burden you are bearing.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, -Q- said:

I mentioned maybe having some of his ashes. My mum basically made me cry by saying "no, that would be like tearing him in two".

I don't look at it that way, a lot of families divide the ashes amongst themselves...it's a physical remain of a body they no longer inhabit or need.  Some even have the ashes made into a diamond they can wear.  I hadn't heard of such a thing or l might have done that, but I've scattered George's ashes in our back yard, in front of the trees, we enjoyed looking out at our forest and I knew this is where he's want his final resting place, it was the place he felt most secure and he loved it.  

Look within yourself for the answer and it will come.  It took me two years to know what to do with his ashes, and then it came to me like a lightbulb turning on!  I don't know why I didn't know right away but my brain wasn't working right in the beginning, I was in shock and it's amazing I was able to go to work.

[-Q-]

Urgh.

His family are first class a holes. Sorry for my language, but I'm just coming down from a rage filled pacing session/panic attack.

Because his Dad text me to tell me the official coroners report. Telling me exactly how my partner died. AFTER me telling him previously that I did NOT want to know. I had a damn good inclination and that was enough for me. I didn't need or want to know what the official report said.

It's bad enough that he's gone. It's bad enough that he went missing only to be found dead at our local park! It's bad enough that he couldn't come to me about his depression even though I'm a psych nurse! It's bad enough that we'd planned out the rest of our lives together and even though we hadn't gotten around to a wedding yet, I feel as though I've been widowed at 32! It's bad enough that every time someone says the words "moving on" I burst into tears!

And for it to come via text message of all things!

I'm so done with his family it's not even funny. I'm either going to end up going to war or to prison for homocide at this rate. I'm so very angry and upset and his Dad hasn't even looked at funeral costs yet. It's ridiculous. He died 2 damn weeks ago and they haven't even asked about prices for the funeral!

His dad can take his ridiculousness and shove it where the sun doesn't shine, because I'm so done being nice about all of this.

 

 

[KayC]

On 12/29/2018 at 1:01 PM, -Q- said:

I can't seem to figure out how to tag people. Huh.

 

I mentioned maybe having some of his ashes. My mum basically made me cry by saying "no, that would be like tearing him in two".

So that made me rethink that one.

 

I already have plans to have my own little ceremony. I'm going to be buying a potted tree for my garden and inviting his close friends (who were more family to him than his own family) to tie wishing/hope bands onto the branches. It's an old Celtic tradition, sometimes seen also in Mexican and Japanese traditions. I'm going to dedicate said tree to him and when I move (whenever that will be), tree will be coming with me. I'm going to bury some coins in the soil (so he can pay the ferry man) and possibly something he loved will go into the soil too (one of his many posessions).

As for the things, to be honest, I'd rather sort them out than let his family take them away. At least I know what bits go with what in terms of Lego kits. I have a feeling his family would just put it all in one box and sell it by the kilo. Which breaks my brain a little bit. They can have all of what I'm calling the "miscillanious Lego" and I've been asked by his Dad to put aside one of his guitars. Everything else, they can damn well wait for me to finish organising.

-Q- 

What you said previously seems to be the answer to your last post.  You say you are done with his family, then be done with them.  You don't have to have relationship with them.  You do need to do what is best for you.  A service needn't cost a lot.  We had one for my sister at the part, she was quadriplegic and her only "friends" were her immediately family and her caregiver's family, so we had a potluck and scattered her ashes, I think she would have liked it.  Do what YOU feel is best!  And has for his belongings, you have possession of them, the family doesn't know the extent of what he had or didn't have so that's a moot point.  Take your time sorting through and sell what you have need of.  His family is not in the same position financially as you, you have to come up with rent money while they "want" in their abundance!