No one can know...

[Moment2moment]

...what it feels like to be me. And I find myself not wanting to talk about it anymore. Not that anyone is asking.

However it came up briefly with a co-worker at a Christmas gathering as a few of us sat around a table having some snacks. I am not even sure how it came up because most of the time I operate in a frantic fog.

She did not know how recent my loss had been and how long my partner and I had been together. When I told her she got tears in her eyes and I found myself saying stupid things like, "I am ok, really. I don't want people feeling sorry for me, etc." and next thing I know she is explaining her tears and apologizing. 

I realized then and there that I am now hardened to my experience of feeling that no one really gives a damn about my loss and the death of their sister, aunt, and friend. But then here is a relative stranger showing some emotion over it and I did not know how to handle it. I have become used to bbing ignored and dismissed.

It is sad. More sad than my loss, even. What kind of a society are we living in? We mourners, widows, widowers, whatever you want to call us are an "inconvenience".

Sadder yet, I am well into the role of the bereaved who hide and withdraw and feel like a bother. So I expect this apathy from others like a yard dog who knows the length of his chain.

All this is why I am withdrawing more and more. It is easier to be alone and expect no one to reach out to me or acknowledge my loss. 

I have my own Christmas dinner planned with my dogs. I had a wonderful week on my job delivering Christmas cheer in a retail setting. I have enjoyed the lights and the music and the memories.

I am not feeling sad or lonely or hysterically grieving. I am creating my own joy and feel content, strange as it seems. Maybe this withdrawing from others reactions or nonreactions is working for me. 

I just don't know anymore. I am just trying to hold my place one day at a time.

Tomorrow I will get up early and make a pot roast and enjoy my 2 days off. I have a few decorations up, called a few friends and wished them a Merry Christmas, feel like this time of reflection and rest is a blessing.

I feel at peace and try not to dwell on what was happening here a year ago. She is not suffering now and I keep her memory alive in my heart like all the Christmas memories of my childhood and all the memories of our life together for 28 years. 

Try to celebrate the joy and love and take some time away for yourself and rest.

My ramblings, my thoughts tonight. 

Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and love to all of you. You are a blessing to me.

Lily

 

[KayC]

Your post is beautiful.  I like how you are handling it, it is kind of how I have found to do it, only with any luck (lack of snow) I will see my kids and grandkids for a short time tomorrow, it's a long ways to travel for such a short visit, but I don't get the opportunity often.

I feel the same way here...a kind of contentedness and peace with my dog and cat, we are a family, this is home.  I like that you will fix something special for yourself, I don't do that often, it shows a recognition that you are valuable and worth it and that self-care is important.  I make sure to have healthy food around, and have learned to keep it simple.  I rarely fix the meals George loved anymore.  But it'd be nice to sometime.

Merry Christmas to you too, Lily.

[Moment2moment]

Thank you! This morning I received a concrete sign while putting together the potroast. It was a little thing, really, but it confirmed to me without a doubt that she is here with me and is at peace now. It made me feel so good inside- the best Christmas present I could have received!

But I am not lonely because I know she is with me and she is ok. Really ok.

I share this in the hope that someone hurting and lonely can find peace and comfort too. They are with us and they are at peace. One day we will be with them again. Meanwhile try to enjoy the time that you have left here. That is what they would want, I think.

[KayC]

I am so glad you got that sign!  Sometimes when we need it the most they put tremendous effort into sending one, it means a lot!

[foreverhis]

I'm a big believer in signs.  Late last night, I walked outside to the front porch.  The sky had cleared from a big wind-rain storm we had the 24th into the morning of the 25th.  I looked up and asked my love to send me a little meteor "shooting star" to let me know he was okay.  Of course, we just had the peak Geminid shower 12 days ago, but it's pretty much passed.  I sat on the landing, but it was cold (for here, 40 degrees) and I hadn't put on a jacket.  I was just about to go back inside, when my eye caught a small meteor flash right above the horizon.  Was it him?  I don't know, but I'd like to think or maybe need to believe it was.  Over the 2 months after he died, I found what I believe to be signs from him, so maybe this was too.

I barely made it through Christmas yesterday, which really surprised me because we hadn't done any big Christmas things for 15 years at least.  We had our own little rituals.  I was able to handle only one small one and spent most of the day working around the house as a distraction.  I just miss him so much all the time that I spend a lot of time that way to keep myself from curling up into a ball and crying until I simply melt away.

@Moment2moment I cannot know how you are feeling.  But I think I understand why signs mean so much to you.  The small things that are significant only to us may make some who haven't been where we are scoff, but that matters not at all.  I'm so glad you received a much needed reminder that you are not truly alone, even though it seems like it most of the time.

On 12/23/2018 at 11:16 PM, Moment2moment said:

It is sad. More sad than my loss, even. What kind of a society are we living in? We mourners, widows, widowers, whatever you want to call us are an "inconvenience".

I told our daughter recently that I no longer fear death because I would not be leaving her father behind.  Instead, I hope so much, I would be going to join him.  What I fear is being swept further aside, seen as a nasty reminder of what can happen to any of us, and dismissed as somehow "less than" I was.  I fear ending up alone and in pain in some facility down the road.  I fear that our society will never learn to handle the stark, sharp realities of death, grief, and mourning.

Maybe that's why I'm finding it difficult to deal with people almost as much as some find it uncomfortable to be around me.  I am so thankful for our best friends, who are the only ones I feel good being around these days.  Other than that, I really don't care about dealing with people, especially the ones who seem to think we're supposed to just shrug it off and "move on."  Yeah, sure likes that's going to happen.

I'm also thankful I found this forum.  I've checked in with a number of them, but this one "spoke" to my heart.

[KayC]

I'm you got a sign too (and yes I believe it was, you asked for it specifically and that's what you got, just when you most needed it!).  

I think this forum is special because of the people who comprise it.  Every forum has it's own unique feel to it, this is one of warmth and caring.

The no longer fearing death seems to be common too, after we've had such a loss.  I can't fear what would allow me to join George!