First Christmas without my mom.

[Willalwaysremember]

Been thru a few "firsts" after losing my mom unexpectedly in April. She was diagnosed with cancer and died 3 weeks later. It was so sudden. A total shock. Still have trouble believing it even happened.

When I go to her grave I stare at the stone with her name on it and wonder how did this happen? Feeling pretty blue this month. So far have been able to keep it together in front of people. But when I'm alone I just cry. My heart aches. I just long to hear her voice again, to hug her one more time....

Just not feeling very "merry" this Christmas.

 

[reader]

Dear Carrie,

I am sorry for your pain and sorrow. The first year of grief is so raw. I wanted the same thing too when my father passed. It is only natural and normal to wish we could see or talk to our beloved parents one more time.

Please know you are not alone. During the holiday season it is okay to do what is right for you. And allow yourself to feel and think however you want. I really wanted to isolate myself but some good friends and a little time with family helped.

Thinking of you.

[nuvar]

Hi Carrie,

My thoughts are with you. I lost my mum on Aug 31 after a short but torturous battle and have been back at work since but not back to being myself

Im not a Christian but a Buddhist (or more of Agnostic/Atheist). However, I attended Church last week but wasnt quite my type of tea. I tried to do so because I promised my mum I would at least try to widen my social circle. I know how it feels even though my family isnt Christian. We still have that holiday here. We celebrate by buying some nice food, making a good drink/cup of tea and sitting together in the living room watching TV.

It's just such a simple way of celebrating... no Christmas carols, no decorations, no fancy dresses, fancy turkey and stews and stuffs...... just perhaps some junk food, good hot drink and plonking ourselves somewhere near the TV to watch a documentary... that was the simple pleasure my family of 3 enjoyed and shared... all that simple joy is gone forever now. I also wish to share a drink with her, talk about stuff happening in the world...

I cry too, daily... at night, in the morning, while walking to work, to clients' place and I try to visit her once or twice a week... that cannot exonerate me from the guilt I feel

Please know that my thoughts are with you, so are the rest of us, take care and feel free to msg me to talk if you really need to

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Carrie11, I know how this feels. Mine is a similiar loss. It’s really hit me this week so hard. Sending love and warm thoughts your way. I am blue too.

[BlueGalaxy]

Carrie please accept my sincere condolences.  My own beloved mother passed on 11/13/17 of a sudden, unexpected illness and my grandmother (on my dad's side) passed just six weeks prior, also from cancer.  There are many of us that can relate with where you're coming from.  Quite frankly, I barely even remember Thanksgiving and Christmas both last year because my brain was so scrambled from the trauma.  This year has only been slightly better, but I still find that I struggle to feel any "holiday spirit".  It certainly doesn't help matters that my mom was a "Christmas baby" and her birthday was on 12/26.  No matter when a person loses a parent however, I can only imagine that the holiday season is difficult for them.

 I also still have moments where I find myself staring at Mama's picture and wondering "how did this happen" and "is this really my life now", even a year later.  The only way I've even been able to cope with Christmas and Mama's birthday is by keeping my remaining family close.  I'm blessed to have a wonderfully supportive family who loved my mother deeply (even though I'm convinced that no one loves her like I do).  Another way I've been able to cope this holiday season is by setting aside some time to make donations to a few of the causes that were important to her.  My mom was a beautifully generous and compassionate soul who got a lot of joy from donating during the holiday season.  By continuing our yearly tradition in that way, I've managed to feel closer to her.

I'm so sorry you're having to struggle through the holiday season, but please know that even if you feel alone right now, there are many of us out there who understand and are thinking of you.

 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

9 minutes ago, BlueGalaxy said:

Carrie please accept my sincere condolences.  My own beloved mother passed on 11/13/17 of a sudden, unexpected illness and my grandmother (on my dad's side) passed just six weeks prior, also from cancer.  There are many of us that can relate with where you're coming from.  Quite frankly, I barely even remember Thanksgiving and Christmas both last year because my brain was so scrambled from the trauma.  This year has only been slightly better, but I still find that I struggle to feel any "holiday spirit".  It certainly doesn't help matters that my mom was a "Christmas baby" and her birthday was on 12/26.  No matter when a person loses a parent however, I can only imagine that the holiday season is difficult for them.

 I also still have moments where I find myself staring at Mama's picture and wondering "how did this happen" and "is this really my life now", even a year later.  The only way I've even been able to cope with Christmas and Mama's birthday is by keeping my remaining family close.  I'm blessed to have a wonderfully supportive family who loved my mother deeply (even though I'm convinced that no one loves her like I do).  Another way I've been able to cope this holiday season is by setting aside some time to make donations to a few of the causes that were important to her.  My mom was a beautifully generous and compassionate soul who got a lot of joy from donating during the holiday season.  By continuing our yearly tradition in that way, I've managed to feel closer to her.

I'm so sorry you're having to struggle through the holiday season, but please know that even if you feel alone right now, there are many of us out there who understand and are thinking of you.

 

So beautifully said. You’ve expressed so much I what I feel too. Happy Birthday to your Mama in heaven who is angel now. Sending you warm thoughts and a hug.

[Becci]

Comiserations on your loss, I Laid my mum to rest on the 20th of this month and it felt so wrong celebrating Christmas.... the important thing is, we made it through, Sending Hugs xx

[Willalwaysremember]

Thank you everyone for your replies. 

I kept very busy leading up to Christmas. And managed to survive the day. There were some tears. One of my dearest friends told me to remember why I love Christmas so much...because my mother did too. I had never looked at it that way. Thinking that made me feel so much better. I've come to realise there is a part of my heart and soul that left with my mother. I still feel like there is a cloud hanging over me. And now taking care of my father as well as my own family some days it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I promised my mom I would before she passed and I have full intentions on keeping my promise. Everything felt so much more secure when I had both my mom and my dad. Ugh....why did this have to happen?