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emilyjoy

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So about 11 months ago, my father died of a heart attack. It was sudden and no one was expecting him to go that fast. I was 19 when it happened, I’m 20 now although it may just be a year, I’ve changed in countless ways. Even my face. You can see that I aged from it and the way I think and the way I go on with life. My mom had always planned to move back to Michigan which is about a 12 hour drive from where I live now. Our whole family lives there and I have always wanted my mom to go back too, because of all the memories we have there and because I wanted her to be happy. She and I have been through so much and I wanted her to be okay. I’m a sophomore at college and I stay there all year except for in the summer and breaks. I hate it so much when I have to leave my school because I don’t have a place to go home. I have options of places to stay like my moms best friend where I settle in her basement, I have my step-moms house which is where my dad lived, and I have friends that I can stay over with but it’s not home. I’m supposed to be doing laundry right now. I’m supposed to be packing. I’m supposed to be cleaning up my apartment but I can’t get up. All I can think about is my ex boyfriend who I broke up with because I didn’t think he was right for me as I grieved. But he is the only person that I think of when I think of anything close to home. He got with me just 2 months after my dad died. I didn’t start really grieving until August of 2018, 8 months after he died so it’s safe to say I was in shock and denial and just so so lost. Now I’m taking care of myself but I’m still not handling any of this well. I don’t want to spend thanksgiving with a side of the family that I’m not even related to but a side that my dad married into. I don’t want to go into her house and look at her because she just cries and I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t want to talk to her about when the inheritance will be sorted out even though it’s almost been a year. I don’t want to go into the house that I used to see my dad in watching tv with my puppies. I don’t want to stay in the basement of my moms best friends house. I want to be home. And I don’t have one. I miss having two homes where I would visit my dad every other weekend and I miss going home after work to him playing the guitar. I miss when things were easy and I didn’t have to grow up so fast. I feel so pathetic and so incredibly lonely. My self esteem has dropped even lower than I thought possible. All I know how to do is run back into the person that made me feel warm once upon a time. A fantasy that I replay in my head that doesn’t exist anymore. I just don’t know how to live and be Emily again.

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Oh my gosh this sounds so painful. I am so sorry for your loss, Emily and everything you are going through. I hope and will pray that you have a good Thanksgiving no matter where you go and that soon, you can have that place you consider like home to go to for holidays. 

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