Members ModKatB Posted November 19, 2018 Members Report Share Posted November 19, 2018 I have finally finished putting together things I have written about my journey thru grief and all of the pain I have felt and still feel after losing my husband of 21 years. I am sharing some of what I wrote because I want others to know that you are not alone and that there is hope. We each deal with all of this in our own way and what works for me may not work for you and that is okay. This journey is not easy and it may take everything you have to make it from moment to moment but please don't give up hope. There are so many here that understand the pain and are willing to share words of comfort and hope. As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile. This book is not full of scientific data or pages of research. It isn't a step by step guide or how to book. It is just things I have written as I am taking this journey of losing the love of my life, my husband of 21 years. It is my hope that there may be something in the things I have written that might give a voice to what you are feeling so that others can understand. We all are what I like to call a work in progress because this is not something that gets fixed overnight. It takes time and patience and plenty of kleenex. All of the poems in this book are written by me and are owned by me. If you wish to share them with anyone all I ask is that you do not remove my initials. Thanks Written by: Kathy Benton ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Losing someone you love is one of the hardest things you will ever have to deal with in your life. It is something that you are never prepared to have to face. There are so many books on the stages of grief and what the order of those stages are supposed to be, but I don't think there is any order to how you should feel. While there may be many different things that are a part of grief and the feelings that will come from the grief, I don't think there is any need to say it has to follow a certain path. We all have different ways of coping with the hard things that life will throw at us. I might not want to talk about it and someone else might find that talking to someone helps them. Others might find that writing things down makes more sense to them. Some may even find that art such as painting or sculpting will give them the outlet they need. I guess what I am trying to say is this, you have to find what works for you and not try to force your grief to fit into the order that someone else says it should be. My way to deal with this has been to write. I have been putting down the things that I feel on paper and try to let these things I write tell the story of my love and how I feel after losing the best part of my life. It is my hope that if I put this out there for people to read it might be the thing that gives someone just a bit of hope. If it helps one person then it will be worth it to me. When I post something in any of the forums that I go to I like to end each one with this saying. As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile. This is my wish for all of us. KB ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A loved one got their angel wings and it has left a big hole in my heart. So if I don't want to talk, please allow me the silence. If I don't want to leave the house, please allow me my solitude. If I strike out at you, please allow me my anger. If all I can seem to do is cry, please allow me my tears. It will take time for me to fill this empty space left, so please be patient and let me heal. One day the void that was left will be filled with happy memories and my heart be whole again. KB ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When you lose a loved one your world is turned upside down and there are so many emotions to deal with. People don't know how to treat you and fear saying or doing the wrong things so they tend not to come around or call. I wish they could really and truly understand that you don't need them to have all the answers. Just be a friend willing to listen if you need to talk. Maybe just someone to call or come by for a visit. KB ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Day or night. Hours or minutes. None of it matters any more. Having my heart ripped apart. I am no longer able to find any peace. There are too many memories that haunt me. No matter where or how far I go. Sadness and pain always find me. There is no where to hide. KB ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Who am I now that you are gone? What am I supposed to do with this life? I did not want to be alone, without you by my side. How can I take one more step or one more breath? It hurts more than anything I have ever felt before. This can't be happening, maybe it is just a dream. No this is my reality, my new way of life. I would give all I have just to have you back. There is nothing for me to hold onto since you are gone. I am just a jumble of emotions and no place to hide. KB ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Darkness haunts me as I try to run away. Can't seem to find the light no matter where I go. For those who have never been engulfed by this sadness, you will never understand. There is a place I go, one inside myself. No longer able to hide it finds me everywhere. It chases me even as I sleep. Awake or sound asleep you follow me. Just waiting to cover me in the darkness that searches for my soul. My feelings rush ahead and leave me to doubt the things I feel. I want to find the light and be able to feel the warmth of being free. No more sadness, no more anxiety, no more DARKNESS. KB --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There are so many questions but no answers. So many tears that fall like rain. Time spent feeling like nothing will never be right again. You feel like others have forgotten already. You are expected to just quickly move on. They need to understand that we are in pain. We are works in progress and not complete. This is not something that can be fixed overnight. No it takes lots of time, patience and understanding. KB ------------------------------------------------------------------------- My heart is broken and my life is a shell of what it used to be. I am lost and unsure of which way to turn. It happened so fast and you left me before I could tell you how much you meant to me. I did not get to say goodbye. How do I move on when our story was not complete? How do I get past the pain of having you ripped from my life? I will try to be strong and move on with life. Keeping my head up and waiting until the time when I will see you again on on the other side. KB ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The process of grief has no right or wrong way and no particular order you need to go thru. It is a daily if not hourly journey that we all have to go thru to get to the other side. I know for me it seems like I am never going to be able to breathe again. There are so many feelings all the time, love, hate, fear, anger, sadness, guilt, depression. Then there are all the questions of why now? why them? how do I go on? Everyone says it will get better and I know it will but right now it takes all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. I keep hoping that I will be able to feel the warmth of the sunshine soon and have it be where I can make it thru to where I want to live again. KB ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ All of this is so hard, not knowing how to feel. Emotions going from happy to sad and back again. Feeling like a ping pong ball, hit from one side then the other. I am damaged from such intense pain and fear. Not understanding why I have to be here alone without you. Feeling like my life is not worth living but knowing I must continue on. Looking for something that will give me hope for tomorrow. Wanting to see rays of sunshine, not just tears that fall like rain. Knowing deep down inside that you would not want me to give up. So I am going to have to find a way to save my sanity. I will try hard to find a way to move thru all of the pain. Because I am the keeper of your love and memories. KB ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When I write, the words rush out trying to find their place. Sometimes they are perfect together and other times they make no sense at all. Feelings of love , hate, sadness, anger, happiness and pure fear. I am okay, but no I am not. I laugh then cry, scream and then say nothing at all. When you have a part of you taken away there is no right way to feel. You never forget but as the time passes the memories stop hurting so much. You learn to live with the pain of what you lost. KB ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There are not enough words to stop the pain of losing a loved one. To the ones left behind it is like being lost in a storm and trying to find your way home. No one is ever prepared to have to say goodbye to someone they love. Someday in the future you will start to heal and the hole left in your heart will mend itself with all of the good memories from time spent together. KB ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We may not can take the pain away but we can be there to help you pick up the pieces and help you to slowly put your life back together. Friendship is a port in the storm and a ray of sunshine on the darkest of days. KB Sometimes you don't know how strong you can actually be until something happens that puts you to the test. Have faith that all will be as it should be and don't be afraid to lean on those around you. Love of family and friends along with prayers can work miracles. KB Forever in our hearts and never to be forgotten. We will always have sweet memories and thoughts. All our love till we meet again. There are tears to be shed by those of us that are left behind and it will take time for the sadness to fall away. Just remember them as they were before the illness and know that they are with family that left us in the years past, celebrating their arrival and waiting for the day we will join them. KB In the days to come there will be tears because you miss them and there will be laughter when you remember the good times. As the time goes by I hope that your hearts will begin to heal and that you all will find the strength needed to move forward. KB Even though the ones you love are gone.You still have all the memories to keep you company. Granted it is not the same as having them with you but it allows you at least a few moments of a smile as you think back on all of the good times. KB ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do I move on when all I have are questions? How can I put my life in order when I can't make it thru one day without falling apart? How can I make sense of what happened when I don't understand any of it? Anger helps me handle the pain sometimes but then again nothing helps. I have cried more in the last few weeks and months than anytime in my life. I feel like my life has been destroyed and I am having have a hard time trying to pick up the pieces of what is have left of my life. Maybe one day I will be able to read this and not burst into tears. I need to find a way to get thru this because I don't want to fall into the pit of darkness that can come with depression. I want to be healthy and happy one day. It is going to take time but I hope one day soon I will be able to smile and laugh even when I am thinking of you and the love we shared. KB ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One second, one minute. One hour, one day. One week, one month. One year or forever. I will never forget what I lost. I have moved on because I had to. I moved on because the world would not wait. If waiting here would bring you back, I would wait here forever. My memories are kept safe in my heart. I bring them out to remember you. I remember always, good or bad. I want to turn back the clocks and start again. I want to see your smile, if only for a moment. I will dry my tears and move on to tomorrow, knowing that one day I will be with you again. I won't forget, not now , not forever. KB --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Many times over the years I wondered what life would be like without you. Now I know and it is only, silence and tears. Single sets of dishes and only meals for one. No one to ask what's for dinner tonight, just silence and tears. Trips to the grocery store and the other things I must do. Only to return to home to silence and tears. I don't reach for you at night anymore as I sleep in my single bed. No waiting for you to join me, only silence and tears. I am having to learn to live without you. No more hearing your voice, only silence and tears. Wondering why I am here and you had to leave me alone. Trying to figure out this life, of silence and tears. No joy, no happiness, no desire to even take my next breath. Nothing to stop the silence and tears. I would gladly go thru the hard times so you could be by my side. Anything at all to stop the silence and tears. Maybe one day my life will be something I don't mind participating in and not just, silence and tears. KB ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- G = Growing R = Relentless I = Intense E = Emotional F = Feelings No perfect answer! No magical cure! Nothing will stop the feelings. Nothing will stop the tears. Only time will allow us to replace the pain with precious memories. KB ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ForgetMeNot150 Posted November 19, 2018 Members Report Share Posted November 19, 2018 Hi Kathy, Thanks so much for these, they are beautiful. I haven't had time just now to read through all of them, but will come back to them and maybe print some off as they are so heartfelt and moving. You sum up all the hurt and the complete mixture of emotions we go through so well. THANK YOU. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunshine247 Posted November 19, 2018 Members Report Share Posted November 19, 2018 Thank you for taking the time to write these down and share them with us. Writing is cathartic for me, too (which is why I tend to ramble on here and go off on lost tangents!) You might want to explore self publishing your poems through Amazon.com. Here is a link (if that is allowed - if not, just google "self publishing on Amazon" and a link with kdp will show up - that is for Kindle Direct Publishing.) https://kdp.amazon.com/en_US/ I also haven't had time to read through all of your poems, but I'm sure I will be returning to this post to give me comfort, support, advice, sympathy and strength. We're all on the same journey that none of us want to be on, and we will all take different paths and routes. But, we will come through ok. We are ok now. Learning to live with the pain is the hardest thing I've ever done and I haven't mastered it. Stay strong, especially this week. This will be my first holiday without Bob and I am just trying to not to think about it and get through it. I fortunately will be spending it with my brother and sister in law and three nieces (and my sister in law's mother who just moved in with them) so at least I won't be alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 19, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted November 19, 2018 Thank you so much for sharing these with us! They are wonderful and you are a gifted writer. I saved them and plan to share them with my grief support group after Thanksgiving (with credits to you, of course)! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted November 20, 2018 Members Report Share Posted November 20, 2018 @KatB I love how you approach grief. I have found that even through your shared raw pain you are inspiring and uplifting to us with your gift of thought processing, openness and beautiful words. Thank you! xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKatB Posted November 20, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted November 20, 2018 @ForgetMeNot150, @Sunshine247, @KayC, @Sunflower2 A big Thank You to all of you for your kind words and encouragement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKatB Posted November 29, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2018 I have seen many comments lately about some of the harsh things that people have said and it reminded me of something I had written a couple of years ago. Words can do so many things. They can make you happy or they could make you sad. They can make you angry. They can hurt you sometimes more than if someone has just hit you. They can express many different feelings. So take time to think before you speak. Once the words leave your mouth you can't get them back. KB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted November 29, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted November 29, 2018 Beautiful poetry KatB, thanks so much for sharing them. I am going to remember this post and come back to it often. So many wonderful thoughts, and far too many to digest in a single sitting. Thank you again, Herc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKatB Posted December 6, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted December 6, 2018 If anyone is interested I have published the short book I wrote on Amazon. The title is " Grief: one size does not fit all " and it is listed for 99 cents because they would not let me put it out there for free yet. If I receive any money from the sale of the book I am going to donate it to the American Cancer Society. My husband passed away from cancer so I thought that would be a good place to send the money since I wrote this to help others not to make money from it. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07L5R6HR9/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1544121549&sr=1-1&keywords=Grief+One+Size+Doesn't+Fit+All This link should take you to the book or you can look it up by the title. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted December 6, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted December 6, 2018 Bought my copy already! I'm going to see if my daughter would like one as well. I wish we could add more than one like, you deserve thanks and a big hug too, but I settled for angel wings! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKatB Posted December 6, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted December 6, 2018 @Herc Thank you so much for your kind words. I just hope that something I wrote will possibly give someone a bit of hope or make them feel like they are not alone and others do understand some of the feelings that have taken over right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Membership HPB Posted December 6, 2018 Membership Report Share Posted December 6, 2018 Bought! Thanks to share! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted December 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted December 6, 2018 @KatB Congratulations! Beautiful work and a beautiful accomplishment! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKatB Posted December 7, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted December 7, 2018 @Sunflower2 Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted December 7, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted December 7, 2018 Kat, I've added it to my list, I can't use my Kindle right now because my router quit, so no wifi, but when I get another one I can read it! Pretty amazing, I'm very curious to read it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKatB Posted December 7, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted December 7, 2018 37 minutes ago, KayC said: Kat, I've added it to my list, I can't use my Kindle right now because my router quit, so no wifi, but when I get another one I can read it! Pretty amazing, I'm very curious to read it! Kay it is most of the things I have posted here and a couple of newer ones. I hope you enjoy it when you do get to read it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted December 7, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted December 7, 2018 I'm sure I will! And I can say I knew you when! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKatB Posted January 14, 2019 Author Members Report Share Posted January 14, 2019 I am commenting here so that this will move up in the forum. There are many new people that have joined us and I wanted to have this where if anyone was interested they could read thru the things I have written. It is my hope that maybe one of these things I have written might help someone in some way because I understand that there is pain and so many other emotions that comes when you lose someone you love. As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKatB Posted February 16, 2019 Author Members Report Share Posted February 16, 2019 On 1/14/2019 at 3:37 PM, KatB said: I am commenting here so that this will move up in the forum. There are many new people that have joined us and I wanted to have this where if anyone was interested they could read thru the things I have written. It is my hope that maybe one of these things I have written might help someone in some way because I understand that there is pain and so many other emotions that comes when you lose someone you love. As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile. It has been a while since I posted this and wanted to try and get it back to where it might be seen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Billie Rae Posted February 16, 2019 Members Report Share Posted February 16, 2019 You are an inspiration bought the book!love and one minute of peace to us allSent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKatB Posted April 4, 2019 Author Members Report Share Posted April 4, 2019 Every now and then I will comment on here so that this post will be in the more recent post. There are so many new people and I have written all of these things in the hope that something I wrote may help in some small way. If nothing else just to let others know they are not alone. As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.