I can’t stop crying

[Vivace50494]

Today was especially bad and I don’t know why - other than the fact that Sunday was the only true day of the week where we spent the entire day together.   Oftentimes we didn’t do anything special.  Take long naps, read, prepare a special dinner together.  I don’t know.  All I do is cry.  Or panic.  Or realize that I have the rest of my life without him and I just can’t handle that.  The few people who contact me - by text only because I’m sure they don’t want to hear me crying - don’t seem to want to let me go through my emotions.  Right away they suggest I should find a grief support group so I can “start” right away so I’ll feel better pr try to focus on the happy memories so I’m not so sad.  I’m not capable of feeling better right now.   I just want someone to hold me or cry with me or just be with me.   I didn’t receive one single casserole or home cooked meal delivered to my door.   No offers to care for my 2 little dogs.   Nothing.  Was I such an awful friend to them ?  How am I going to get through this week of thanksgiving when I can’t think of anything to be thankful for?   How am I going to get through Thursday all alone?  Someone out there- please help me.   I’m so very frightened.

[Jamiei]

I’m so sorry you had a bad day, weekends are so hard for me too! Abandonment seems to be very common unfortunately, this journey of grief is so hard and very lonely. I’ve gotten to the point I don’t ever want to talk to anyone from my old life. I’m dreading this holiday season too can’t wait till it’s over! Your not alone I’m sure we all are dreading Thursday! 

[Sunshine247]

Hang in there. Try to just take it a day - even an hour - at a time. Don't make any plans beyond today. I too was hesitant to contact a grief helpine but I have found it very helpful. Mine is through the funeral home that arranged Bob's cremation - I'm sure there are others out there and someone else on here might be able to direct you to one. I am new at this too. Bob just passed away 46 days ago. No one has offered to help me with anything either and my family has turned this all into being about them and a reunion - read my other post, Feeling Abandoned - I don't have the desire, time, effort, energy or emotion to go through the whole thing again. I have found that if I try to channel Bob's love and let if fill me up, it gives me strength - and the last few days have been better for me because I want to stay STRONG to make him PROUD. Your partner is still with you - let your heart and mind be open to seeing him and/or feeling him. There are always people here for you who care about you. I don't know where you live, but maybe on Thursday, check into volunteering to give meals to homeless or less fortunate people. We did this for a couple of years and it made the day much better when we felt alone and abandoned too. Our family never invited us, never visited us, never made any effort to spend holidays with us - since we don't have kids, we don't matter, and that is the message that is being driven home loud and clear to me even now, at the very lowest point of my life - I do not matter, everything else and everyone else is more important - anyway, sorry this is about YOU not me. But maybe being with people who are also going through some tough times will help you to feel better - not so much misery loves company but that you can offer comfort and support. If you don't think you are able to do that, consider going to a movie or visiting some place that you've never been - just anything to get out. Bob and I always had our own little Thanksgiving celebration and this year will be hard for me too, and for a lot of others. Hug your pups - they miss your partner too and they don't know what is going on or where he is. PM me if you want to call me and talk. I'm happy to do that. Just stay strong - that is what your partner would want. Sending you love and light and big hugs. 

[Sunshine247]

We ALL have something to be thankful for - that we had a love so deep and strong and real - so treasure that. Many people never find that - and we all did. So if there is only ONE thing that we can be thankful for on Thursday (I'm not saying the holiday) it is that we have all known the love of a lifetime and been blessed with that.  And also -  that our partner did not CHOOSE to leave us, like in divorce - if they had their choice, they would be here right next to us - and they are, in love, in spirit, in memories. 

 

big hugs and much love

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Vivace50494 said:

 Or realize that I have the rest of my life without him and I just can’t handle that.

One of my earliest thoughts on this journey was that I could live 40 more years without him.  I didn't see how I could do that.

Early on one of the best pieces of advice I got was to take one day at a time.  Don't look at the whole rest of my life, just do today.  Today I can do.  In those early days/weeks/months, we might have to break it down to an hour or even just a minute, that's okay.  Do today...and don't forget to breathe.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Vivace50494 said:

I just want someone to hold me or cry with me or just be with me.

Do you have no one that will do that?  I'm so sorry, I wish I was there with you.  Right now accept our virtual hugs, we're here with you, sitting with you, listening to you, caring.  We've been there, and I know it's so hard!  

You haven't done anything wrong, people aren't there for you because 1) they don't know how 2) it's uncomfortable for them.  I know, no excuse, right?!  Imagine how uncomfortable it is for YOU!  My friends ditched me too, unfortunately that's all too common.  Part of it is our society, they honestly don't know how to help someone through grief, what it's like.  Everything is instant gratification today, they want you to be instantly over it, well, not happening!  Not possible!

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html

[ModKatB]

This journey is not an easy one and there will be days that seem like they will never end but please don't give up hope.