Are others making your grieving even harder?

[kdavis1163]

I am trying to begin the grieving process over my husband.  But my daughter, who has a mental illness, is making my life so much worse now.  The day we buried Dave, that night she went on a blackout drunk and was missing until 10am the next day.  Dealt with that whole situation, and thought she was getting better.  But this morning, I get a call from her boyfriend, and she has been cheating on him since the day Dave died, and she has had more blackout drunks than the first one I knew about.  He also sent me a pic of her laying in the bathroom floor last night and she had taken razor blades to her legs and made several bad cuts.  Blood everywhere.  She is refusing to seek help.  She has been hospitalized before, and she swears all it does is make her worse.  This is because she will NOT be honest with anyone.  Not her therapists, not her psychiatrist, not her primary care doctors.  I told her I cannot face losing my child, too.  She accused me of "playing the guilt card".  What other card do I have? How do you MAKE an adult get help they don't want? She always, always handles stress this way. She does whatever she can to make herself hurt even more.  I don't get it.  I am threatening to send the Mobile Crisis Unit to her house.  She is throwing a fit about that.  Her boyfriend took off work today to "babysit" her and make sure she doesn't cut anymore.  But she will get tired of that, and she will just leave.  And we won't know where she is or what she's doing, other than knowing it is extremely self destructive.  I just can't handle this now.  

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss and your daughter's self-destructive ways.  I'm no expert on mental health (or alcoholism?), so I don't think it would be right for me to offer a course of action.  Is she suicidal?  Maybe one of those hotlines could help?  It certainly sounds like you've done whatever you can trying to get her help...but as you say, you can't make someone help themselves. It sounds like maybe she just wants all the attention and sympathy for her, so she does all these things to get it. But regardless, she is being grossly selfish and insensitive and IMO mental illness does not excuse that away...in fact, frankly I have to wonder if all of her actions are due to that.  It amazes me when people don't realize that when they hurt themselves, they also hurt the people that care about them (who they presumably care about as well).  Just remember to take care of you too.

I had to deal with people who rubbed salt in my wound (loss) as well, so while obviously I don't know how you feel, I can relate to the anguish of that extra burden on top of the loss. I hope somehow there is some resolution soon and wish you whatever peace you can find as you go down this rocky path we are forced to go down.  As I said elsewhere, "take it a day at a time" is a cliche but very true. 

[Sunshine247]

I am sorry you are going through this. I think calling the crisis unit is a good idea, especially if her boyfriend will support that decision. He must be some kind of saint and really love her to stay by her side through all of this. She needs help and it will take professionals to get it for her. I'm not a mental health professional so I'm not going to comment on that, but I have had problems with being alcohol dependent in the past - drinking too much to ease my pain - I pretty much put all of that behind me after I met my husband and I work EVERY DAY now to make sure that I don't fall back into that rabbit hole, but trust me, I know how tempting and easy it can be. I did for one day and it made me feel so much worse, mentally, emotionally and physically, that I never want to go back there again.

My family has pretty much abandoned me (I posted about it in Feeling Abandoned) and they have managed to make my hurt over some of their actions all about them and have turned it around into I am being a selfish, hurtful person and all I think of is myself. Well, guess what? DAMN RIGHT. Right now, it IS all about ME. And BOB. My mother is the Queen of playing the Victim - her father died when she was 16, SIXTY TWO years ago, and she still goes around wallowing in that and calls herself an orphan. She is 78. I realize that the hurt and pain never go away but at some point, you learn to live with them, not expect pity.

Not to defend your daughter, but remember that she lost her father too. I had to remind myself that my husband's brother lost his brother and that the memorial that we had was as much for HIM as for ME. It's easy to feel like we are the only ones feeling the loss of our loved one but there are lots of other people that cared about them too and who are hurting as well. 

I wish you and your daughter lots of healing and strength and comfort. Sending big hugs and lots of love. Stay strong and I hope that she gets the help that she needs. Come back here - we are all here for you to talk or vent or for support.

[KayC]

I'm so sorry you find yourself dealing with this, on top of losing your husband, as if that wasn't enough to deal with!  Normally I would tell someone to be around those who are supportive and save the others for another time, they need to put themselves first for once in their life, if this isn't the time, then when?  Grief takes everything we can muster.

That said, this is your daughter.  I get it, that's the hardest thing in the world!  But maybe you can do an intervention, like you said, call the Crisis center, let them handle her.  Tell them everything you know since she won't get honest herself.  Of course she's going to fight you tooth and nail, that's what addicts do, and maybe she isn't an addict but she's behaving like one.  She's in so much pain she's screaming it!  Don't worry about what she says to you, she's going to say/do anything to keep anyone from interfering her with her self-destruction.  Don't just threaten, do it.  I'm no expert either, I just have a lot of life experience with all kinds of situations, and that's what I'd do.  Damned if tough love doesn't hurt!!!

[kdavis1163]

Don't know what is going on with her today.  I got a text from her last night, that she and her boyfriend are "handling my issues" and she told me to stay out of her life, let her be her own person, and quit meddling.  My love is viewed as meddling.  Great.  When she gets into one of these crises, she cares about no one but her. It's all about her.  She doesn't even love me enough to not put me through this bullshit right now.  She can only see herself and what she wants and what she thinks will make her better.  She's 32.  I cannot force her to do anything. Her real dad forced her into the hospital when she was 15, and they have never had a relationship since.  That's why she loved Dave so much.  She could not have ASKED for a better stepfather.  So I understand that.  She's hurt, she's destroyed.  But so am I! So I am just leaving her alone today and trying to take care of myself. 

[kdavis1163]

Well, my daughter called with some big news last night.  She will be flying to Ft. Lauderdale today to enter a dual diagnosis treatment center.  She said she has to do this, she has to get help.  And I know she does.  I just pray for her safety while there, and I pray that she will truly work their program and not play games as she has in the past in local programs. She will probably be gone for 90 days. I will miss her terribly, but she needs to get the help. 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, kdavis1163 said:

Well, my daughter called with some big news last night.  She will be flying to Ft. Lauderdale today to enter a dual diagnosis treatment center.  She said she has to do this, she has to get help.  And I know she does.  I just pray for her safety while there, and I pray that she will truly work their program and not play games as she has in the past in local programs. She will probably be gone for 90 days. I will miss her terribly, but she needs to get the help. 

OMG, you couldn't have ASKED for better news!  Pray for her while she's gone.  And now, perhaps knowing she's in good hands, you can focus on you for a while.  (((big hugs)))

[Spengler]

Sometimes it takes tragedy and loss to give people the impetus to straighten out their lives.

[KayC]

How are you doing today?  I hope you're able to have some peaceful respite.

[Sunshine247]

@kdavis1163 that is great news that your daughter is going to get the help that she needs. Take these 90 days to focus on yourself and YOUR healing. Of course, you won't be healed in 90 days, but you can make some progress - even if it is just learning to live with the ache and hurt and missing Dave. I am <slowly> learning how to do that with Bob - when it gets really bad, I let myself cry, but I also keep telling myself to be strong for him, because that is what he would want me to do and he would not want me to be sad, and it would tear him apart inside and break his heart to think that he was the cause of my unhappiness. From where I sit, I see your daughter's actions as a call for help - thankfully she didn't try the ultimate call of suicide - but I think she is really hurting and must feel as lost and helpless as you do. Again, I'm not defending her but I think we tend to forget that there are other people who love our loved ones too and are feeling their loss deeply - not as much as we do, but it still hurts. I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts and send lots of love, healing and strength to both of you. This might actually bring the two of you closer and make your relationship stronger. Try to have a good weekend and get some rest. Exhaustion only feeds our emotions even more.