Members GeorgiaGirl88 Posted November 14, 2018 Members Report Share Posted November 14, 2018 I've always been a Daddy's Girl but on August 4th 2018 my heart broke and world changed as my Father went to his eternal home in Heaven. On that day I got a phone call from my mother who had just returned home from the grocery store to find out that my father wasn't home. The kitchen table had been moved across the room and she already knew that he had to have been taken to the hospital, he had a lot of medical problems and was constantly in and out of the hospital. I live 30-40 minutes away from the hospital he was taken too so I wasn't able to be there when she got to the hospital. After she arrived she was taken into the conference room where she was told a Doctor would be with her shortly. After waiting what seemed like an eternity she was told that they did everything that they could but his heart was just too weak. From that day my mom suggested that she come home with me and my husband and that was 3 months ago! My mother has been back to her house, for an hour or so at a time (assuming she keeps herself busy) but she hasn't spent the night there since my Dad passed away. Her house is in pretty bad shape, it was built somewhere between 1920 - 1940 so its not up to code, no insulation, and all in all in my opinion the house looks like it needs to be bulldozed and rebuilt. My mother keeps telling everyone that asks if she is going to go back to her house? She always tells them that shes gonna stay with us a little longer to keep an eye on me. I've managed to hold myself together A LOT better than I expected, My Dad had been trying to prepare me for this when it happened but I wasn't exactly ready. But I find peace in knowing that he is in a better place with no more pain / medical issues etc. Anyway my husband and I have talked about offering my mom a piece of our 8 acres to build an apartment type building (something where she can start brand new). My husbands father is a builder and he says that he can build us everything for $40,000 or so. The building will be a little bigger than my mothers current house and will be up to code. She won't have to pay property taxes, water bill, homeowners insurance, internet, etc. Only thing she will have to pay for is the building of the building (since she will be living in it, and its not benefiting us) and power bill as we will have to put a new power meter because ours is full. My father left my mother in a good place financially, $120,000 in life insurances & another $70,000 in a 401K. Plus she is getting money from social security (survivors benefits) which is enough to pay all of her current bills. Every time we ask her about her decision on whether or not she wants to live here or go back to her house she always tells us "I don't know" or if I'm going to spend that much money I need to spend it on my house. What she doesn't seem to realize is that her house is going to need way more work than what it will cost to build this building. And even with that much work, I don't think her house will last another 20-30 years if she lives that long. And if a home inspector were to come into the house, they would most likely condemn the house or wouldn't give us the permits we need to finish. How do I make her understand that building this new building and starting over will be the best option? My husband is very supportive & has handled this whole ordeal like a champ. But we never expected to be almost 4 months into my Fathers death to have a live-in room-mate with NO signs of wanting to go back to her house. I don't know what to do, and I don't want to be an ass because I know this is difficult on her. This is hard on me, but even harder on her because everything shes known is now gone! And she doesn't have her soul-mate but I do which makes it easier for me to keep going on with life. What would you do? Am I worrying about this quickly? Thanks in advance, I know this is LONG! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members reader Posted November 14, 2018 Members Report Share Posted November 14, 2018 Dear GeorgiaGirl88, I'm sorry for your loss. You have been very loving and kind to your mother. I know its really hard and you are trying to give your mom the best options. They say that after loss it is better not to make any major decision for at least one year or even two. Grief makes us all raw. Do you think it would help your mom to talk to pastor, counselor, or join a support group in the community or through church? It might help to have a family friend or family member talk to your mom. You and your husband have been more than understanding but its also a delicate time. Hopefully others can add their experience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members GeorgiaGirl88 Posted November 14, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted November 14, 2018 Reader, Thank you for your reply! I've often wondered if I should have my mother talk to a counselor. She seems to be holding together better than I thought she would have. Her & I have both seen my poor father go through a lot since his heart attack in 98' luckily I was never there when they had to call an ambulance, my mother always was but I was always shortly behind it. This year especially was hard for the both of us. In Feb after my Dad had been in the hospital for about 4 days my Mom decided to go home shower and get some rest. And about 3 o'clock that morning she received a call saying that his heart had stopped and they were able to bring him back but he was moved to ICU and placed on a ventilator. And the transition of coming off of it wasn't easy for him after being on about 5 times before. And after that we watched him fade farther and farther with more and more hospital stays, procedures to try to prolong his life a little more until he could no longer fight anymore! So sometimes I think back to all she's had to watch over the years a grief counselor would probably be best for her. But unfortunately she is a VERY stubborn woman, who would fight me tooth and nail to see someone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members reader Posted November 14, 2018 Members Report Share Posted November 14, 2018 Dear GeorgiaGirl88, You have been very supportive and kind to your mother. Hard to know if people will be receptive to talking to a counselor but it never hurts to gently mention it. Maybe a church support group would make her more comfortable. There is one called GriefShare.Org Keep talking to her and hopefully you can come to resolution that works for the both of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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