My Dad died

[Cozyhezz9078]

I had a very complex relationship with my Dad to say the least. However after some years i decided to reach out in August because my mom and i always talked about “if dad died, would i be okay with how things got left?” My answer was not really. So i started again. He really seemed to have changed. He was taking ownership for his faults as a father, he apologized. Kept messaging me saying how he loved me and was proud of me for my accomplishments. Then he died on october 31st 2018 in the morning. The last thing he messaged me was “I’m not really good at jokes.” And i told him i clearly wasn’t the quickest of his children (because i didn’t get it). Then he died hours later and didn’t answer me. He had a heart attack after the first heart attack earlier in the month. I am so happy i got to speak with him (only through fb messenger) but still. But i feel so so unfinished. He told me he loved me and i didn’t say it back. I told him i just had so much trouble with it because of everything. I hope he knew i loved him. I went to view his body in the hospital room and i feel so numb. He was cold and didn’t look like my Dad anymore. But i played him the song Heaven by Beyoncé and i held his hand and told him i forgave him. I wish he didn’t die alone in a hospital room. 

And now i just don’t know what to say to people. I’m isolating myself and i don’t want to talk to my family that lives in the city i do. (Aunt/uncle) they keep telling me to get grief counselling and i just don’t think I’m there. Or will be at all. 

God- what i wouldn’t give to even just hold his hand again as he lay there. 

I miss my Dad.

 

 

[reader]

Dear Cozyhezz,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. Please know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. I know many of us also wish we could go back in time and do things differently.

We all just do the best can in the moment. Never knowing what the future holds.

Thinking of you and your family during this sad and difficult time.