Members Nicash Posted November 10, 2018 Members Report Share Posted November 10, 2018 Hi all. It’s been a while since I have posted, though from time to time I read some posts. Most of the time it’s too painful. It’s been almost a year and a half since my boyfriend died. It was a very very complex situation and I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD. I feel my pain is growing and not getting any better. Three months after my boyfriend died, I entered back into a relationship with an ex who was my high school sweeet heart. Timing had never been our thing but I figured this time it would be ok as long as he knew I was still grieving. Well I am realizing now that I think it was much too soon and I feel kind of trapped to be quite honest. It’s a horrible feeling. I feel he is my only support who relatively understands what it is I’ve gone through and if I were to end things again with him, I think it would break me and him. But if we remain together, I don’t think I will be able to grieve properly...but I would have to all alone and that is a very scary thought to me. The pain is already so immense I don’t know how I could possibly cope. My dog also just recently had to be put to sleep and I was not there and it triggered me into the fact I was not there when my childhood friend died and I was not there when my boyfriend died (though I did find him dead). I have just been feeling very horrible and angry. So so very angry. I think I just needed to vent. I’ve also decided to change my username. Thanks to those who listen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 10, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted November 10, 2018 What was your username before? I didn't know there was a way to change it, most places not. If it's not right with your BF, staying with him will probably exacerbate the problems, it might be time to have an honest talk with him about what you're going through. You're not only grieving the loss of your previous BF, but now your dog, and that's a lot. It would be helpful if you would get grief counseling. Being with someone because you're afraid of being alone isn't ever the solution...I used to feel that way too but I've been on my own for 13 years now and it actually builds your confidence to know you can do it and are. I've learned to value myself and realize that I don't need feedback from someone else to let me know I'm okay. So important to learn self-care! If you had a bestie in this situation, what would you tell her? Tell yourself the same thing and listen to that advice. Very good to listen to your heart when it's trying to lead you in the way you should go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nicash Posted November 10, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted November 10, 2018 1 hour ago, KayC said: What was your username before? I didn't know there was a way to change it, most places not. If it's not right with your BF, staying with him will probably exacerbate the problems, it might be time to have an honest talk with him about what you're going through. You're not only grieving the loss of your previous BF, but now your dog, and that's a lot. It would be helpful if you would get grief counseling. Being with someone because you're afraid of being alone isn't ever the solution...I used to feel that way too but I've been on my own for 13 years now and it actually builds your confidence to know you can do it and are. I've learned to value myself and realize that I don't need feedback from someone else to let me know I'm okay. So important to learn self-care! If you had a bestie in this situation, what would you tell her? Tell yourself the same thing and listen to that advice. Very good to listen to your heart when it's trying to lead you in the way you should go. My username before was nicoleashley94. I have seen a grief counselor previously. Didn’t help much. I saw another counselor and he told me my boyfriend died from drugs because he didn’t love me enough. So I have been seeing a different counselor the past year. It hardly helps. I am starting up meds again soon. A piece I did not mention is my boyfriend and I (who I am with again now) ended up getting unexpectedly pregnant and I had an abortion and that caused a whole other bout of issues (this was prior to entering into the relationship with my boyfriend who died) so there are multiple layers to this situation. I don’t know what I would tell my friend. I am at a loss and feel I am too far gone to understand or think clearly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 11, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted November 11, 2018 22 hours ago, Nicash said: I saw another counselor and he told me my boyfriend died from drugs because he didn’t love me enough. WHAT??!! No counselor has any business saying such a thing! He should be reported to his governing board! No one can get inside the mind of...especially someone who didn't even know them...and say he didn't love you enough. This is lunacy! Suicide and drug addiction both are more complex than that and are issues having to do with that person, and it has nothing to do with who and how much they loved. 22 hours ago, Nicash said: A piece I did not mention is my boyfriend and I (who I am with again now) ended up getting unexpectedly pregnant and I had an abortion and that caused a whole other bout of issues (this was prior to entering into the relationship with my boyfriend who died) so there are multiple layers to this situation. I am so sorry, it does sound like you need a good counselor to help you but I know it's frustrating when you get one that's not up to snuff, all you can do is continue looking for another one that'd be a right fit and really does know their stuff, and I know how wearing that can seem. When my husband died there was only one counselor in town, and trust me, just hanging a shingle on the door does not a counselor make! I've been to plenty of them for other issues in my life and appreciate the help I've received from them, but the one I got when I lost George was clueless...beyond that, he was bad, really wrong. I won't go into that... 22 hours ago, Nicash said: I don’t know what I would tell my friend. I am at a loss and feel I am too far gone to understand or think clearly. Give it some thought in the months ahead, this might be something to explore with a counselor. It really is about finding out how to deal with this our way, in a way that is helpful and healthy for us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nicash Posted November 11, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted November 11, 2018 8 hours ago, KayC said: WHAT??!! No counselor has any business saying such a thing! He should be reported to his governing board! No one can get inside the mind of...especially someone who didn't even know them...and say he didn't love you enough. This is lunacy! Suicide and drug addiction both are more complex than that and are issues having to do with that person, and it has nothing to do with who and how much they loved. I am so sorry, it does sound like you need a good counselor to help you but I know it's frustrating when you get one that's not up to snuff, all you can do is continue looking for another one that'd be a right fit and really does know their stuff, and I know how wearing that can seem. When my husband died there was only one counselor in town, and trust me, just hanging a shingle on the door does not a counselor make! I've been to plenty of them for other issues in my life and appreciate the help I've received from them, but the one I got when I lost George was clueless...beyond that, he was bad, really wrong. I won't go into that... Give it some thought in the months ahead, this might be something to explore with a counselor. It really is about finding out how to deal with this our way, in a way that is helpful and healthy for us. Yeah, it was quite heart breaking to hear that response from that counselor, especially because I thought I could trust him and confide in him since we had over a four year counseling relationship...but I was wrong. I think the counselor I have now has the potential to help me, I think I need to get in a better mindset first before such help can take place and only I can get myself there. My boyfriend I decided it best we take a break. I think I need to heal on my own and learn to handle pain by myself. I think I have been avoiding this. I want to gain new insight and new resiliency and I think being single I can have more of a freedom and ability to do so. I am feeling hopeful and positive. I know Jakes death has taught me lessons and is continuing to teach me lessons, though painful as they may be. I am hopeful for continued growth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 12, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted November 12, 2018 If/when you come together from a place of healing and strength, you will be more ready...it's a wise but hard decision you just made. You speak of resiliency...I just read this: http://www.fulfillmentdaily.com/resilience-in-grief/ I do want to point out, however, I disagree with the term used herein as "move on"...I hate that term with reference to grief. I prefer the word "continue" as that is what we learn to do in the face of grief. It's not like we "move on" FROM them, but rather learn to incorporate them into our life in a new way in the absence of all that we're missing with them and our previous interactions with them. http://www.griefsheart.com/resilienceinloss.phphttps://www.recode.net/2017/5/8/15573660/transcript-sheryl-sandberg-facebook-grief-resilience-option-b-recode-decode https://obittree.com/funeral-advice/grief-articles/grief-resilience.php Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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