Loneliness

[Sheena0426]

It's the 2nd month since that terrible day had passed and i missed my baby so much. This terrible feeling of loneliness, pain and emptiness are killing me and i can seem to cry anywhere and anytime i remember it. I have this deep longing of being with him to end this pain. But of course i cant hurt myself. I just wish i could be with him the soonest. I know its wrong not to value the life that i have but due to the state that i am in, i can't even find my purpose and direction in this world. Im only 29 but seems like i have been stripped off of my life ahead of me. Based on what others say, things will get better. But until then, i guess i have to go through this painful process. 

[KayC]

Sheena,

Suicidal thoughts are very common in grief and difficult to fight off in early grief.  I didn't see how I could live without my husband a week, let alone the whole rest of my life!  I wanted to end it and be with him, but knew of course I couldn't, I have kids and sisters that it'd be hard on, so I toughed it out, but it does help to have a grief counselor and a support group to talk to.  And you can always come here and talk to us.  

It took me years to process my husband's death and even more years to find purpose and more years yet to build a life I could live.  It's been a learning experience, for sure.  Try to be very patient and understanding of yourself as you learn to be your own best friend and support.  Self-care is extremely important!  Learning to value yourself and love yourself, just as he did.

[Jamiei]

Sheena I am 10 months into all of this grief! I now think of it as survival mode! I still think about ending it all, but I have 2 kids that it would destroy and I don’t want them to have to live with this pain I have to endure everyday! So you learn to just get through the days! I know people say it gets better, I have found I don’t cry all day anymore. I work a lot and when I’m not working I exercise. I guess that my new life. I hope you have support it is a very hard journey.

[Sunshine247]

My husband passed away five weeks ago and it seems like forever, it seems like yesterday, it seems like he has just gone on a trip and I am waiting for him to walk back through the door. Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming that I can barely handle it. Other times, I am numb. We all have to take this journey on our own terms. Just know that there are people here for you who care about you. I got counseling many years ago for suicidal thoughts and my counselor told me that as long as you are thinking of other people and how your death would affect them, you aren't really suicidal - you are just trying to find a way to end the pain. Unfortunately for all of us, the pain will never really end but I've been told that it does get better, you do get used to it or learn how to manage it or learn to live with it. I'm still going through this and it's really hard some days just to get out of bed. Hang in there. When I am at the very lowest points, I try to relive and remember some really good memories, kind of like rewinding and watching your favorite movie - that helps. Try to keep yourself busy too - I don't work anymore and having days with nothing to do, especially after taking care of my husband for the past few months, and just being here with him through 2 1/2 years of treatment for prostate cancer, get really long and boring. Try to find a grief support group in your area. I have been calling a grief hotline provided by the funeral home that handled my husband's cremation and it has been helpful and there is a grief counseling group that meets on Thursdays in my area that I will attend next week for the first time.  My husband and I lived a dream life on the beach in Mexico and nothing will ever be that good for me again. I have to start all over again and I am living in an area to which we just relocated 3 years ago and I don't know anyone except for my brother and sister in law, who are much younger - 9 and 13 years. We don't have kids so moving to be near them isn't an option. Just take one day at a time and sometimes, it is even just take one hour at a time. Find someone that you can cry to, yell at, argue with (and who will agree with anything that you say) and just release and vent to. Remember we are here for you. Best wishes - this is hard but you will be ok. And sometimes, just being ok is good enough.

[KayC]

Sunshine,

I can relate to what you said, I think most of us felt that in those early days/months, like they'd be coming through the door.  That's hard because it keeps hitting afresh.

One of the most important things we can have is a good support system, I see those who have it do so much better than those who do not.  My best friends disappeared on me.  I have had to work so hard at building a life for myself.  It's nothing like it was with George, you are right about that, that life is gone.  I have a lot of people that are somewhere between acquaintance and friend, but not a lot that I consider super close, but still working on it.  I think it gets harder as we're older as everyone already has their select few and not needing more.  But I keep working at it because I need it, it's not good to isolate.  My sister is one of my best friends, but I can't visit with her, only by phone, as she's a chain smoker (in the house) and I have allergies and Asthma that dictate otherwise.  But at least we can talk on the phone.  I also have a busy schedule that I've created for myself in my retirement years to not only keep busy but have contact with others, keep my skills up, etc.  I try to keep balance with solitude and time home with my furry family.  It works.  God it's taken a long time to get here!

[Moment2moment]

I am 6 months out from the loss of my other half and there are days and moments when I feel as if I am going to just lose it. It is just me and our last dog. Had to put 2 of our babies down a few weeks ago. That is just hitting me.

Some days I feel as if my life is slipping away as I lose more and more of my identity which is connected to her. Other days I feel as if I am going to make it, going to survive all these losses and someday have a life again.

Then I slip into this dark place and fear I will never find my way out if it. It scares me badly when this happens too. I try to focus on my little dog and how she needs me, how I want to start puppy hunting in order to bring some joy and new life into this too quiet house.

I work a part time job and it is a godsend. It gets me out seeing people and being part of something and feeling useful. I do better when I stay busy or go out or call a friend or my in-law sister or my hospice counselor. 

Some days at home are golden, others plunge me into a depth of loneliness for her companionship that defies description. Like others, I talk to her and sometimes feel she is "just away " and we will be sitting down to dinner or just watching TV like we used to. It feels temporary because it has never been permanent in 28 years.

So that is the only way I can cope-feeling it, thinking of it, as temporary. And I do believe in life after and reunion with our loved ones and pets on the other side and this is the only way I can deal with this separation.

I could say more but I will save it for another post. Anyway I do get the loneliness that cannot be aleviated. It is a longing to be with THEM, not just to be with people. It hurts like nothing I ever knew before and can not describe unless a person has been there. I have lost both my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, and pets and nothing feels like this. It is like having my soul ripped out of my chest some days. I wonder how I have survived this far and if I will be able to continue. These are my darkest thoughts in my most painful moments. Yet here I am today. This grieving stuff is crazy and hurts like hell.

[KayC]

@Moment2moment  I can fully understand and relate to what you say.  I'm sorry for the loss of your two furbabies too, it's very hard to go through that on top of losing your wife, been there.  Everything you say I can relate to.  And I'm glad you have your part time job.  I retired over five years ago and yet I am fully engaged in life, I'm Church Treasurer, on the Praise Team, volunteer at the Senior Site twice a week, and in several small group that meet weekly or monthly, and also lead a Grief Support Group.  I have my solitude in the evenings with my fur family but get plenty of interaction during the week with my activities.  It's good to strike a balance.

You are so right...being around people, we can still feel that loneliness that is ours when we've lost our partner and best friend.

I, too, have hope for the future, that we will be together again, and if not for that, I don't know how I'd handle this.