My beautiful wife passed away at 28 on Oct 27th

[Justin K]

Hello. This will be my first ever post in this forum. Please bear with me as I tell my long story. I think letting this out can help me with my grief.

My lovely wife and I have been together for 11 years since 2007. Last 2013, I moved to Canada with my family, leaving her in our home country. After almost a year, I went back and married her civilly in 2014. And in 2016, I was finally able to get her to Canada.

Life in Canada was better and very bright for us with plenty of opportunities. We planned for a church wedding in the eyes of God, simple but something she really dreamed of. We chose the date September 28, 2017 to be the wedding day. Weeks prior to that, we have already prepared the wedding gown she will be wearing, the give-aways, the venue reserved. But on September 21, 2017, she felt an excruciating pain in her left leg. It was so painful that she couldnt walk, she couldnt find a position that could relieve her from the pain. It was after midnight, we went to the ER, did all the scans and the doctor dropped the bomb on us, told us she had a tumor on her lower left back. It was the first heartbreaking news we received.

A surgeon(A) from that hospital planned to have a surgery on the 29th - the day after the planned wedding day. So we realized couldnt have the wedding. We cancelled/moved everything to a later date. We were disappointed and sad. Then came the 29th, we were ready, we have prayed enough, nervous. Then around noontime, surgery was cancelled. A surgeon(B) from another hospital specialized to spine surgeries called me and told me to stop the surgery. She got transferred to the other hospital and that he will be taking care of my wife from there.

So my wife is now in another hospital. We were confused what's going on and no one is telling us. On October 6, an oncologist came, dropped another bomb on us, told us she had a malignant cancer. A very rare cancer of the tissues (Ewing's Sarcoma - which usually only happens on children), devastated, we cried together, never expecting this to happen in our early lives (I was 29 that time, she was 27). From the brightest dreams living in Canada, planning to marry your loved one and your best friend of 10 years, and then came the evil cancer destroying everything in its path.

We were told that she would undergo 7 rounds (14 sessions) of chemotherapy to shrink the tumor, with 25 rounds of radiation somewhere in the middle, and finally surgery. She was ready, fought very hard. Lost hair, got skinny, she doesnt care at all. All she wanted is to get through this and move on with life and get back to what we started - the church wedding. She finished all her treatments except the surgery planned on September 11 2018 - 2 days before my birthday.

Surgery day finally came, she was again, ready, surrendered everything to God. "This is it", she said. "After this, everything will gradually go back to normal". Her surgery took 16 hours long as she requires a removal of the huge tumor by the neurosurgeon and reconstruction on her back by the plastic surgeon. For 2 days, she was still recovering from the anesthesia. When she woke up, she was okay the first day but next she was having complications - fever due to infection somewhere in the back, and migraine due to CSF leak (cerebrospinal fluid). They cannot let her sit up or walk around because the CSF leak will cause migraine. This was happening for 2 weeks.

Fortunately the migraine went away but then the surgeon decided to do a 2nd surgery on October 16, which is what they call a "washout". A simple surgery to treat the infection from the inside that is causing the fever. It only took 3 hours and by the looks of the surgeons, it was quick and successful. We were happy and relieved for a few days, we did back and chest scans. Everything was clear and even the doctors were very happy about this. .. Then nightmare happened.

My poor wife developed a so-called "HAP" or hospital acquired pneumonia - an infection to the lungs a week after. My wife started to have shortness of breaths and harder to swallow by the day, she already having hard time talking. So they did lots of scans and found something suspicious.

On October 25, our 11th anniversary being together, her doctor called me up at 9 am and asked me to go to the hospital. When I arrived, he told me something that broke my heart, something that you never wanted to hear. "I wanted you to prepare for the worst, the cancer has come back stronger. She also has pneumonia. She might not make it". My heart stopped, my body got cold, I cried so hard.

My wife was moved to the palliative care on the next day. She was still able to write. She wrote her last words, to her mom, to my mom and to me. She was afraid of dying, but I can see her she has already accepted God's calling. She fought so hard, she was strong enough to endure 2 more days, mostly sedated or asleep. I kept telling her "I love you with all my heart, no matter where you go." I held her hand while we sleep for 2 days with the rosary on our hands. Then on October 27th, about 11:45pm, an angel woke me up, I checked on her, then I saw her last breath. Everything around became silent, I was alone, I couldnt cry.

Now, a young windower at 30, I am facing uncertainties in the midst of sorrow, loneliness and grief. Plenty of what ifs and regrets. I am having anxiety attacks every night before I sleep. I miss her already. I'd like to ask for help. How do I deal with the anxiety attacks? It mostly happens very night, and random times during the day. I feel lonely even after I just talked to my parents or friend. Im trying to think happy memories about us but the sad thoughts beat me to it, then flashbacks of the struggles come in.

For 11 years since college, I have spent most of my time with her. She was clingy, I was clingy. We had ups and downs, arguments and misunderstandings, but at the end of the day, we always get back together. She is the most faithful and sweetest person to me, she is my best friend, my life, my everything.

Thank you for patiently reading through my story.

Justin

 

[HPB]

Dear @Justin K

My eyes are full of tears after reading your story. I'm so sorry, that the common future of your beloved wife and you got destroyed. You both are still so young, this is so sad.

I'm already 53 y.o. but there is no age to not feel too young to be confronted with the tragedy we're thrown in. I lost my beloved wife 6 months ago by sudden death from a ruptured unknown brain aneurysma. Before, there was the very happy life that will be never again on earth. There will be no happy growing old together. Not on earth. What's left is hope. Knowing that the love between us and our beloved spouses will never die.

3 hours ago, Justin K said:

I'd like to ask for help. How do I deal with the anxiety attacks? 

Unfortunately I can not really help, because rather than having anxiety attacks, I had the overwhelming fear and "panic" that my mind is falling apart, that I will get insane due to the unacceptable new reality. This feeling of lonelyness and separation from the rest of the world is excruciating. You will continue to feel separated from the "normal" people around you, from family and friends. You are now living in another world they can not access. But we here in the forum are on the same side of the line which separated them from us. We are not alone in our misery. But what is more important is that your wife with her love for you is still with you, eventhough not in the physical body on earth. Love is transcending death. 

Even though I didn't find other widowers in my age to possibly meet and support each other, you might want to reach out to find others to break the feeling of separation, isolation and lonelyness.

I talk to my wife every day. She is still with me, this is my hope and faith that brings me through the day. And then another day. Step by step, my capacity is only a tiny fraction compared to what was before. 

I wish you the force and the faith to move on this hard road. My heart goes out to you!

[Sunflower2]

5 hours ago, HPB said:

What's left is hope. Knowing that the love between us and our beloved spouses will never die.

Yes!  Powerful thinking even in such depths of despair and shock.

 

5 hours ago, HPB said:

5 hours ago, HPB said:

I wish you the force and the faith to move on this hard road. My heart goes out to you!

Beautiful!!!!!

 

[KayC]

@Justin K  I am so sorry, I know the pain all too well...the same pain all of us here know and learn to live through.  So hard for this to happen at such a young age.  I didn't meet my husband until mid forties and he was barely 51 when he died suddenly.  We'd planned on growing old together, I'm 66 now and this is not what we had in mind.

I also suffer from anxiety and it's at it's worst in the middle of the night.  In the beginning I had a hard time going to sleep, now I go to sleep but when I wake up in the wee hours I cannot get back to sleep.  I went on medication Buspirone, it was the safest one I could find (generic for Buspar), I'm sure they have it in Canada.  Please talk with your doctor about your anxiety as it can be very difficult to manage on your own.  Let him know of your recent loss and grief.  Doctors aren't trained in grief, so he may not realize it's not temporary but something we learn to deal with the rest of our lives, although it changes and doesn't stay the same.

My heart breaks for you as I read your story.  Right now when you think of your wife I'm sure it brings you stabbing pain but I want you to know that eventually those same thoughts will bring you comfort and a smile as you think of her...it can take quite a while before that happens though.  I hope you read Sunflower's thread for those new on this journey.

I wrote this article to let newbies know what I've found that helped me, and I hope you print it out and read it every few months as different things stand out to you on different parts of your journey.  You've found a caring place here and we'll all be here for you as you go through this.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Justin K]

@HPB @Sunflower2 @KayC thank you so much for sorting out the things that keeps coming to my mind. Yes, I always talk to my wife, telling jokes, asking for strength and warmth whenever I feel lonely. Some things are easily said than done, especially when things get really hazy and cluttered, but you're right, take one day at a time and don't think about the whole situation. I always ask myself, "is this what she wanted me to feel?, "Is this what she wanted me to do?", These questions gives me purpose to live better, thus fulfilling her promise she left me.

 

Thank you so much, i really do! 

[Justin K]

The passing of my wife left me with lots of questions. Everything happened so fast and unclear what really was the cause. Was it the pneumonia or the cancer. Is it appropriate to make phone appointments to my beloved wife's doctors to clear up these questions?

Thank you.

[ForgetMeNot150]

Hi Justin,

Your post is beautiful and heartfelt and made me cry a lot.

My husband died in September after battling Motor Neurone Disease for over 18 months. He lost a lot of weight and by the end was frail and only just had the energy to shuffle from the bed to the sofa each day. Prior to that he was a big strong man whose arms would make me feel safe when they were around me - it was the best place on earth.

Last week for me was the worst I have faced since he went. Like you, I have been suffering anxiety attacks. My chest gets tight, is physically painful and I struggle to breathe. This can come on at any time, but quite often is when I'm walking to work after dropping my daughter off at the school bus when I get a bit of time to myself. It is ok if I can keep moving, but when I have to wait for the lights to change to cross the road, I feel like everything catches up with me and it is almost suffocating. I tell myself to calm down and take big breaths which seems to help somewhat (sometimes I just keep saying "Breathe" out loud to myself as the tears run down my cheeks). When I get to work I go into the toilets and let the tears flow! I have to just try to relax, which is easier said than done, but after a while I get there, sometimes out of sheer exhaustion and then I pick myself up, wipe my face and keep going, as I feel that is all I can do. 

I think for me it is the struggle to remember my husband as he was before he was sick. Instead I have the memories of what we have been through and struggled against for so long. Initially when he went there was an incredible sense of relief that I didn't need to worry about him any more or constantly listen to him coughing and struggling to breathe, but now reality is settling in and the relief has been replaced my a huge sense of loneliness. I have no family close by (I am in New Zealand and my family are in UK - my husband didn't talk to most of his family so I don't have any support there either) and I have to stay strong for my two daughters. 

I would give anything for a big hug from him and just to lie next to him in bed, even though I hadn't had that for months before he passed.

Whilst I had read a lot about grief to help myself get through this, having known it was coming for some time, I was not prepared for the physical pain that it is causing me. But each day I get through it, calm myself down and keep breathing.

I met my husband whilst on holiday in NZ and only got to spend 15 hours with him before I had to fly back to the UK. For 3 months we wrote to each other and talked on the phone before I left everything and flew out here to live with him. We knew we were meant to be together and were already talking about marriage and a family before I got here! That was over 15 years ago. The other night I sat and read all of our letters to each other that we sent during that time and it helped me a lot. The pain hasn't been quite so bad since. 

So for me, I think I needed to find some way to focus on the positive which I hadn't been able to do for so long. As you say, life had dropped so many bombs on us that we just had to keep surviving and I hadn't realised just how exhausted by the whole thing I had become. I had to be strong for my husband and just keep going for over 18 months and it takes so much out of you that you don't know what to do when it all stops. As your wife has been sick too, maybe you need to find a way to do the same and try to remember how life was before all the bombs? It doesn't take the pain away, but for me it has helped a bit as I can start to remember the fun times we had rather than all the pain and my chest doesn't get quite so tight.

I can't help you with whether you should ask the doctors - that all depends on whether you think that will help you move through this. If you think it will, then there is no harm in asking.

Sending you big hugs and the strength to keep breathing through it. You are not alone.

Michelle

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Justin K said:

The passing of my wife left me with lots of questions. Everything happened so fast and unclear what really was the cause. Was it the pneumonia or the cancer. Is it appropriate to make phone appointments to my beloved wife's doctors to clear up these questions?

Thank you.

Absolutely!  I made a doctor's appointment with my husband's doctor after he died, because he should have caught his heart condition, should have referred him to a Cardiologist, and this not only happened to my husband, but to others, and I wanted to make sure it never happened to anyone else.  I wasn't interested in suing, I didn't have the strength for that, just getting through that time took everything within me, but I'm glad I talked with him about it.  His apology didn't change anything, I'm still left without my husband, but at least I can hope no one else will suffer the loss of their spouse needlessly for lack of referral or taking seriously.

7 hours ago, ForgetMeNot150 said:

So for me, I think I needed to find some way to focus on the positive which I hadn't been able to do for so long.

I've been practicing that since shortly after my husband died.  It doesn't mean you won't have bad days or cry or even feel at the end of your rope.  What it does mean is that when we focus on the positive, we don't miss out on what good there exists, and being mindful and living in the present moment really helps us with that.  I love your attitude!

[LoveGoli]

On 11/4/2018 at 10:25 PM, Justin K said:

@HPB @Sunflower2 @KayC thank you so much for sorting out the things that keeps coming to my mind. Yes, I always talk to my wife, telling jokes, asking for strength and warmth whenever I feel lonely. Some things are easily said than done, especially when things get really hazy and cluttered, but you're right, take one day at a time and don't think about the whole situation. I always ask myself, "is this what she wanted me to feel?, "Is this what she wanted me to do?", These questions gives me purpose to live better, thus fulfilling her promise she left me.

 

Thank you so much, i really do! 

I was thinking to writing you but recalling all those memories always tough for me. Like you I also met my husband in my college and since then we were together for 8.5 years. Last year I lost him and I am also in my 30 , I was 29 when I lost him and he was just 30. I was thinking to leave this earth in my 30 like him but seems impossible right now bcs i am perfectly fine and healthy physically. I can understand what you feeling , we are young and whole life in front of us but all we can see is darkness. It's been 16 months to me and life is never same and will never be but you will used to it. This pain sit deep inside in my heart now, I don't cry like I used to but still sometime I really cry hard. Recalling our good memories makes mw cry so doesn't matter if I remember good or worst hospital memories I always ends up crying. Like you got this cancer out of no where in your life, we got Sarcoidosis who smashed our life. I never heard this term earlier and it took everything from me. I can just advice that just flow with time , don't rush to anything just flow. 

[KayC]

And LoveGoli, you're getting through it, one day at a time, like all of us.  I can't imagine what it's like to suffer such loss so young, I know there never is a good time, but honestly it seems like a huge whammy to one so young.  I guess all we can do is focus on how blessed we were to have them in our lives, but that doesn't negate the loss we feel.  I've seen you progress through this in your time here, you inspire others without even noticing it.  (((hugs)))

 

[LoveGoli]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

And LoveGoli, you're getting through it, one day at a time, like all of us.  I can't imagine what it's like to suffer such loss so young, I know there never is a good time, but honestly it seems like a huge whammy to one so young.  I guess all we can do is focus on how blessed we were to have them in our lives, but that doesn't negate the loss we feel.  I've seen you progress through this in your time here, you inspire others without even noticing it.  (((hugs)))

 

Really am I inspiring anyone, I don't know but thanks for this appreciation. And thanks a lot for being here for all new joiners, you are the backbone of this forum.

[Justin K]

On 11/7/2018 at 12:21 AM, LoveGoli said:

I was thinking to writing you but recalling all those memories always tough for me. Like you I also met my husband in my college and since then we were together for 8.5 years. Last year I lost him and I am also in my 30 , I was 29 when I lost him and he was just 30. I was thinking to leave this earth in my 30 like him but seems impossible right now bcs i am perfectly fine and healthy physically. I can understand what you feeling , we are young and whole life in front of us but all we can see is darkness. It's been 16 months to me and life is never same and will never be but you will used to it. This pain sit deep inside in my heart now, I don't cry like I used to but still sometime I really cry hard. Recalling our good memories makes mw cry so doesn't matter if I remember good or worst hospital memories I always ends up crying. Like you got this cancer out of no where in your life, we got Sarcoidosis who smashed our life. I never heard this term earlier and it took everything from me. I can just advice that just flow with time , don't rush to anything just flow. 

I am really sorry about your husband. Everything you said there is true, we are young and a whole life in front of us that we realize we have to face it alone.

I am focusing 1 day at a time but it feels forever, it feels that whenever I find a temporary way to ease the pain and loneliness, it wears of the next day, not effective anymore. She was really the reason to everything I do, why I brought her here in Canada, why I learned to cook good meals, why I work hard at my job, why I wanted to marry her in a church through our hardwork. Now she's gone, and it seems like the purpose and my inspiration is gone. I know getting around grief can take years for some people,  I hope I can hold on to this roller coaster ride. Its really hard for all of us.

[LoveGoli]

10 hours ago, Justin K said:

I am really sorry about your husband. Everything you said there is true, we are young and a whole life in front of us that we realize we have to face it alone.

I am focusing 1 day at a time but it feels forever, it feels that whenever I find a temporary way to ease the pain and loneliness, it wears of the next day, not effective anymore. She was really the reason to everything I do, why I brought her here in Canada, why I learned to cook good meals, why I work hard at my job, why I wanted to marry her in a church through our hardwork. Now she's gone, and it seems like the purpose and my inspiration is gone. I know getting around grief can take years for some people,  I hope I can hold on to this roller coaster ride. Its really hard for all of us.

You are so right they were reason to live. People asked me for my hobby so that i can pass time but i told them my only hobby was to love my husband, to be with him , spend time with him, fulfill his desires , i dont have any other hobby. He was the reason to live and now he is gone and so do I. I am just surviving each and every day and as I mentioned previously, I am getting used to this although i miss him every second of my life and wil do forever.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Justin K said:

I hope I can hold on to this roller coaster ride.

Those words are true, an apt description of the grief journey, roller coaster ride for sure!  I don't think anyone/anything can begin to prepare us for what we face when we encounter grief to this extent.  We get the whole gamut of feelings.

It took me years to process my grief, years more to find purpose, and even more years to build a life I can live.  I learned not to compare to what I had with George, that's devaluing and self-defeating.  I learned instead to embrace the good that is, no matter how small, no matter how fleeting, I'll take all I can get.  Nothing is too insignificant to count.  I live in this present moment and do one day at a time, it's the only way I can get through this.

[Justin K]

Hi @LoveGoli, I want to know more how you are living all of this. Since we are in the same age group and our loved ones suffered cancer. For me, I am still at start of third week since my wife passed away. The last distressing 24-48 hrs I have been with her in the palliative care unit keeps flashing back.

How do you deal with loneliness especially alone in your room at night (esp its almost winter season)? Her stuffs are all over the house, but it feels wrong to keep them away.

Do you also feel overwhelmed if you think about your future? Questions like, am I going to be alone forever? Will there be that person who can understand me (a widow/er) and have a long lasting relationship? I wanted to have a family, but right now it feels like my late wife is irreplaceable. I sound like I am rushing, but cant help but plan my future. I dont want to be alone forever.

 

Thanks.

[KayC]

Right now when you are fresh in this, take a day at a time...planning for your future right now is a bit much and might not allow you time to process your grief adequately.  Try to trust that things will work out for you and they will have a way of doing just that.  You're young, of course you want a family, but today maybe isn't the day to worry about plans.  Today you are still absorbing the shock...

[LoveGoli]

11 hours ago, Justin K said:

Hi @LoveGoli, I want to know more how you are living all of this. Since we are in the same age group and our loved ones suffered cancer. For me, I am still at start of third week since my wife passed away. The last distressing 24-48 hrs I have been with her in the palliative care unit keeps flashing back.

How do you deal with loneliness especially alone in your room at night (esp its almost winter season)? Her stuffs are all over the house, but it feels wrong to keep them away.

Do you also feel overwhelmed if you think about your future? Questions like, am I going to be alone forever? Will there be that person who can understand me (a widow/er) and have a long lasting relationship? I wanted to have a family, but right now it feels like my late wife is irreplaceable. I sound like I am rushing, but cant help but plan my future. I dont want to be alone forever.

 

Thanks.

Frankly speaking even I don't know how am I dealing, I am just flowing with time. Since I lost him, I lost all contacts from my friends, deleted their numbers from phone and deactivated my Facebook account so you can understand I am all alone with his memories. Good thing is that I go for work, I was about to resign but glad I didn't.

I lost my Goli due to Sarcoidosis and chicken pox complications and last three days he suffered a lot specially last 24-48 hours. 

Dealing with loneliness, I can say I watch tv or movies that's all I can do and dear it's too early for you and you are doing great. In 2-3 weeks span I was not able to eat or drink anything, you will definitely feel better later.

Sometime I do think about future actually a lot but fear of loosing again so scary that I can't tolerate and just ignores all those thoughts.

Sorry for long post if you ever feel lonely plz write to me, I would love to talk with you. 

Hugs from me and my Goli.

[KayC]

I understand the wish for someone to fill that void but caution going into something too soon as we don't have clarity of brain yet in early grief, and also not for the wrong reasons, being to avoid being alone, etc.  But neither would I avoid a relationship from fear of losing someone again.  I have a friend who remarried a few years after her husband died and they are very happy together.  I would hate to think either of them missing that because of fear...if/when the time comes when one of them loses the other, they will deal with it the same way they learned to deal with it before.  It will be painful but I don't think they'll have any regrets because they lived life to the fullest and chose to love.

It's just too soon to worry about that, right now it's just getting through the day and this grief process.  OMG, there is so much to getting through this, it's hard, my heart goes out to anyone having to go through this.  Right now another friend lost her husband just yesterday and has to face this again a second time.

[Justin K]

@KayC

Ive been experiencing mini guilt and anxiety attacks since the last time I posted, so Ive read through the replies and your tips up there and it helped me understand more what I am going through. Thank u for that.

Do you ever get the feeling of fear gradually you will forget your spouse's voice? Or the memories will fade? Or when you "got over" grieving that you will forget her and your love for her? Lots of questions popping out lately.

Justin

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Justin K said:

Do you ever get the feeling of fear gradually you will forget your spouse's voice? Or the memories will fade? Or when you "got over" grieving that you will forget her and your love for her?

No.  It's been over 13 years and I still remember the sound of his voice, how he smelled, and I treasure the memories.  But it does recede into feeling like I made it all up, weird, like a movie I once watched.  I've had to go to the files and actually look at his birth certificate, our marriage license, his death certificate, look at his handwriting.  It seems surreal.

[Justin K]

Hello again. Lately I have been having this feeling that I am ashamed of sharing it to my family and friends. So, I am turning to this forum to seek your opinion.

As you all know, I am 30. I lost my wife at a very young age at 28 last month. I have started going back to work, and day by day I miss my wife and the good times we have shared. I still get emotional whenever I see her videos and things. But at the back of my mind, my feelings are trying to tell me I should find love that would fill the void and loneliness. I wanted someone to care for me and give me hugs. I know it sounds so so wrong, I feel guilty for thinking about that. I love my wife so much, but I feel like I also need love from somebody else so I can survive this and the life ahead of me. Reality is sinking in and it is getting harder by the day.

The reason why I said those things above is that, there is this girl at work that I find "okay", she is sweet and we have a lot in common. I felt like I wanted to level up our friendship. She knows what I am going through, and she's been there supporting me but not too much. But I know myself that it is waaaay too early for me, and I know this may or may not look like I am making her just a "cover-up" to my needs. I do not want to rush things but I have that feeling of "I dont want to miss this chance". I am confused. I feel guilty. I feel I am being selfish. But sometimes I think that being loved by someone else can help me move forward and be whole again. But I know it's way too early for a next relationship.

Please let me know of your opinions. Also please dont hesitate to be frank at me. Sometimes I have to realize things the hard way.

Thank you.

[ForgetMeNot150]

Hi @Justin K

I am not as young as you, but am still only 44 and have (hopefully) a long life still ahead of me. I don't want to think of spending that alone and like you, want someone that will care for me and give me hugs. I know that one day I will find that again and it won't mean that I love Craig any less.

But, what I have learned previously is that for a relationship of any kind to work, you have to be happy in yourself and on your own. For me personally I know I have to find myself again and be happy with my new reality before I can hope to meet anyone who is going to give me the support and love that I want and that I have lost. I have no idea how long that will take, but have hope that it will happen one day. Who knows, it might even be better as I will be a much stronger person after coming through this.

To be honest, I would say that it is probably a bit soon for you to be thinking of this now. We all want something to magically take away the pain and unfortunately there isn't a quick fix. I know for me, if I did meet someone now, I would end up feeling worse as all I really want is Craig and no one else will fill that void. I would just end up missing him even more and feeling guilty into the bargain - for me it would feel like cheating on him.

My advice would be to back off and see if you still feel the same way in a few months or longer - if it's meant to be, she will still be there and you won't have "missed the chance". Work relationships are never easy and it could make life harder for you if it doesn't work out and you have to see her every day. You have enough to deal with at the moment without adding to the stress of just getting through a day! 

But that said, the above is only my opinion and how I feel with my grief. The only person who knows what's best for you is YOU. Take your time (there is no rush), trust your heart and you will know what is best for you.

[ModHerc]

@Justin K,

First, I am so sorry for you and your wonderful wife.  I lost my wife two years ago when I was 44, and she was 49.  We had ten wonderful years together but, as with you, it was still far too soon.

Regarding forming new relationships, only you will know when you are ready, but I do have  few thoughts on the subject.  First is a piece of advice I got very early in my grief that truly served me well.  "Don't make any major changes in the first year".  Grief makes us think strange things, and in strange ways.  The first year is in particular very difficult.  If I had acted on every thought my grief had presented to me, it would not have worked out well.  Take your time, and make sure that what you are doing is right for you, not simply a response to the grief, or a way to attempt to fix it.  There is no fixing this I don't think, we simply have to learn how to live with it.  The good news there is that we can live with it, and can find ways to heal ourselves and move forward in positive ways while still having our love in our hearts.

Second, wanting love is not wrong, and you have no reason to feel guilty about it.  We were in fulfilling loving relationships that have now changed so drastically.  It is perfectly normal for you to miss that love and affection.  Further, humans need contact and connection.  We are built that way for the survival of the species and our entire society reinforces those thoughts.  When practically everyone in the world, including your own biological makeup and subconscious are telling you that you should have a relationship, it can overwhelm your conscious thoughts of what you really need and what is truly the best for you at this point in time.  Once again reason it out and make sure that what you want is what YOU want, and not a response to the forces of society.  What we are going through is not normal, and a lot of the societal "norms" don't apply to us as a result.

Third is to make sure you are giving any relationship you do start a fair chance.  I mentioned this in a few other recent threads.  I don't think going into a relationship looking for a replacement is a good idea at all.  I don't know for sure that this is what you are doing, but I picked up on a few things in your posts that make me suspect it might be.  

On 11/10/2018 at 11:59 PM, Justin K said:

...How do you deal with loneliness ...am I going to be alone forever?

...Will there be that person who can understand me (a widow/er) and have a long lasting relationship? I wanted to have a family, but right now it feels like my late wife is irreplaceable. I sound like I am rushing, but cant help but plan my future. I dont want to be alone forever.

 

16 hours ago, Justin K said:

...my feelings are trying to tell me I should find love that would fill the void and loneliness. I wanted someone to care for me and give me hugs.

...there is this girl at work that I find "okay"

...I know this may or may not look like I am making her just a "cover-up" to my needs.

...But sometimes I think that being loved by someone else can help me move forward and be whole again.

You don't have to be alone forever, but you also don't have to find someone right now.  There will be people who understand you, and you can have a long and lasting relationship.  Your wife is irreplaceable, but I don't think a new relationship needs or should be about replacing them, it should be unique to itself.  Over time we find things to help with the void.  I haven't gotten to a point where it is "filled" and doubt I ever will, but slowly it gets smaller and I get more adept at dealing with it.  I think if you pursue a new relationship, you should make sure it is about you and the new person, entering into a relationship where they have to live up to the standards of your lost love may not be the healthiest thing.

Lastly, maybe don't swing for the fences so much.  The first time you met your wife, did you think "I want to marry her, move to Canada, and raise a family"?  Having just come from a very serious relationship that was so tragically cut short before you got to share your lives together for the many years you should have had may be focusing your attention on that as an end goal.  I know you want a life partner, but you might want to start with wanting someone to go catch diner and a movie with.  As with grief, in my experiences relationships are something you should take minute to minute at the start.  Enjoy the moments as they happen without thinking ten years down the road.

I want to emphasize now that you are doing nothing wrong, and that you have no reason to feel guilty.  All the thoughts you are having are perfectly normal, and I have had many of them through the course of my grief journey.  You asked us to be frank with you, so I have been, but I don't in any way mean to be judgmental.  Everyone's grief journey is unique, and we all have to find our own way to move through it.  Hoping you find peace, comfort, and rest, one moment or day at a time,

Herc

 

[KayC]

Justin,

You've already gotten some very good advice here and I won't double up on what's already been said, but a couple things...

You have nothing to feel guilty about, you're trying to navigate your way through this with no manual to guide you, and it's all new territory!  Instinctively we want to avoid pain, but alas there's only one way through grief and that's straight through it, pain and all, circumventing it doesn't work.  As was already mentioned, workplace dating can be tricky and have consequences that other dating doesn't present.  It's natural to not want to feel lonely, to know you have a future, but there's plenty of time for that, no need to rush in to fill the void...feeling that emptiness, the pain, that's part of grieving, part of the adjustment.  It's important to allow yourself time to process your grief and allow yourself to be alone long enough to be comfortable with it and then when you meet someone, you come to them out of a place of wholeness and healing, so you have something to bring to the relationship, not just brokenness and emptiness.  I say this not only for your sake but for the sake of someone you might go into a relationship with.

None of us here feel any judgment, neither should anyone else for that matter, they haven't been in your shoes and can't begin to imagine how it feels...we have been there and do know how complex this whole grief thing can be.

I want you to understand that anyone newly grieving is particularly vulnerable.  I got into a relationship after my husband died, someone who said he was a friend of his, but it turned out to be a con who preyed on me, set me up...we married and he used my credit for $57,000 and then quit his job and went into hiding with his GF...he never even lived with me.  I am very embarrassed about it, that I could be that stupid, but Dr. Phil says we aren't acting out of lack of intelligence, but rather out of emotion, and that makes sense...but I still feel stupid.  it wasn't everyone else that made this dumb mistake, it was ME!  I had to refinance my home to pay for it and it'll take me until I'm 80 to pay it off.  I have joked to my friends that I can't afford a new guy in my life until I get the old one paid off.  Joking aside, it was not a very funny time, it was very painful.  But it's not just guys taking advantage of women, it happens the other way too, in my way of looking at it, it's best to get past that vulnerable time, work through your grief, and then when you are in a better state of readiness, you can consider finding someone to spend your life with.  Not implying at all that this gal at work would do anything like this, only that it's important for you to be be savvy and know your own heart before doing anything that could hurt either of you.

It's so common to want to dodge the grief pain, if only it were that simple!  None of us like it!  But I've found that pain, inner pain, has a purpose, just as physical pain does, it calls our attention to something we need to take care of, and that's your grieving heart.  Just as a broken bone's pain tells you not to walk on it, to get help, so the grieving heart can also tell you that you might need grief counseling, that you might need to give yourself time to heal, time to get used to this thing that has happened and find your way around in your grief.  You will always love your wife, you will always grieve her, but not to the degree of pain you have right now, it will evolve, you will learn to live with it and adjust to the changes it's made to your life.

Oh gosh, go back over what Herc has written, over and over and let it sink in!  What Forget me not has written too.  They are so right.

[Justin K]

@ForgetMeNot150 @Herc @KayC

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. Your kind and thoughtful words helped me realize and align to what's best for me right now. I have gotten a lot of good points from the posts above, that we know how grief confuses you and uses your emotions to make decisions that we may regret in the future, that I was desperate of a quick fix or dodging the pain. Indeed this is the biggest and most painful scar I could ever have, and just like any other scar, it can take a lot of time to heal. 

It's a crazy ride, sometimes I think straight, sometimes I feel confused. Sounds like this journey I have right now will take a while, but while I am healing, I will be fulfilling Hazel's wishes. (oh this is the first time I said her name). I've actually written it down and read it everyday. Not that it really came from her words, but things that I feel that would make her happy and proud of me. Wow, I miss her already. I cannot wait for that time to come when I have reached the light at the end of the tunnel, and show her and everyone how I have become the best version of myself.

I will keep coming back to this forum and learn from all your words. You guys are the best, really. And I am very grateful there are still people like you helping out! My heart goes out to all people enduring their journey.

[ModHerc]

I think the first person to mention "brain fog" to me was @KMB, a wonderful poster who was very helpful to me in the early days of my grief.  That's either her description, or a description she picked up from someone, for the confused feelings you are having.  I can't remember for certain, because of course I had "brain fog".  It fades in time and you will start thinking straight more and more often.

I think it is part of the shock, although even after the first shock wore off I still had moments I would say were foggy.  Your brain has an awful lot to process right now, your day to day life has changed, as has your long term life, goals, and very possibly a large part of what makes you YOU.

I was Eric of Eric and Christine.  We were a package deal.  Where one of us went, so went the other.  When you heard family or friends talking in another room, they would say things like "did you tell Eric and Christine?", or "we should invite Eric and Christine".  They had been saying it for years, and then suddenly, in one moment, it would never apply again.  I was no longer who I had been.  Trying to wrap your head around that kind of shift in your reality is very hard, it is no wonder the brain shuts down on us sometimes as at it tries to process it.

Give yourself time.  Take it day by day, and moment by moment when you have to.  I can't promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel, but I found a way to at least keep a candle with me in the dark.  As for the girl at work, I do feel maybe I did her a slight disservice by not mentioning something.  Anyone that is supportive of us in this time should be acknowledged.  If she knows your situation and is there for you on a regular basis, she is a wonderful person.  Treat her with as much kindness as you can.  As @ForgetMeNot150 said, if it is meant to be she will still be there when you have made yourself a little more whole.  Wishing you comfort and peace,

Herc

[LoveGoli]

On 12/4/2018 at 11:55 AM, Justin K said:

The reason why I said those things above is that, there is this girl at work that I find "okay", she is sweet and we have a lot in common. I felt like I wanted to level up our friendship. She knows what I am going through, and she's been there supporting me but not too much. But I know myself that it is waaaay too early for me, and I know this may or may not look like I am making her just a "cover-up" to my needs. I do not want to rush things but I have that feeling of "I dont want to miss this chance". I am confused. I feel guilty. I feel I am being selfish. But sometimes I think that being loved by someone else can help me move forward and be whole again. But I know it's way too early for a next relationship.

Wow I just smiled after reading your post because same thing happening to me in same circumstances. There is one boy in my office who stares me alot and I caught him multiple times even one day we had 5-7 second long eye contact. But he doesn't say anything neither I did. I don't want to say anything or confront him because I am not that bold but yes it feels good when someone gives you that attention. But now Iî made my mind to not go that direction bcs nothing gonna happen there so just focus on work only.  If you think that girl interested in you then go for it.

[KayC]

Brain fog or grief fog is a commonly used term, she may have picked it up from me, I've been on grief sites for over 13 years so that's where I've heard it, that and articles on grief.  I miss KMB (Kathy) on here very much, she's a very caring person.  She was here a while back, but as she has eyesight issues, it's hard for her to be here a lot.

There is nothing inherently wrong with starting up a relationship, just be cautious of your motivation and make sure it's for the right reasons and that you're ready for it, give yourself time to grieve first and maybe start as friends, see how it goes.  As the "grief fog" clears it'll be easier for you to judge such things.  I have male friends and female friends both.  The only hard part about having a male friend is if one of them secretly wants more and begins to pressure me.  It only works (for me) if they want the same thing I do...friendship.  At my age I've accepted I'll be alone for life, although I don't totally rule out otherwise, I just haven't met someone I'd consider for more than friendship.

[crackerjack4u]

@Justin K  I just saw your thread, and wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your loss. 

Our stories are similar in a lot of ways (even the titles of our threads are very similar).  I'll do a quick recap of my story as it too is a rather long one.  I lost my husband on Oct 24th 2018, he was diagnosed in 2016 with lung cancer, attempted removal of the lung was unsuccessful due to too much scar tissue so they sent him for radiation treatments (he refused chemo), I took him to the ER on August 24th for unrelieved pain, they found 2  large masses on his adrenal glands that were Not there 4 months prior, and 2 enlarged lymph nodes, they suspected lung cancer metastasis with lymph node involvement,  he was released on the Aug 26th, returned to ER on the 28th and a scan done that day was worded as "Appears to be worsening of pneumonia" he was never treated for pneumonia the 1st time, 2 days before, so we wondered how could it be worsening of pneumonia when he was never told or treated for in the 1st place. Biopsy done 9/3/16, it took Forever to get the results. Got results along with Hospice referral on 10/16/18 Diagnoses- was Epithelioid Angiosarcoma. 

He passed away 8 days later on 10-24-18.  So it was 2 months exactly from the time he started having symptoms to the day he passed away, and in that time it was horrible, every day he was faced with more drastic decline and new challenges from that disease.   

On ‎11‎/‎5‎/‎2018 at 6:17 PM, Justin K said:

The passing of my wife left me with lots of questions. Everything happened so fast and unclear what really was the cause. Was it the pneumonia or the cancer. Is it appropriate to make phone appointments to my beloved wife's doctors to clear up these questions?

Thank you.

I can certainly understand you having so many questions, as it seems I too have more questions than answers.  I can't with 100% certainty answer your question for you, but I'd be willing to lay the odds on it having more than likely been the Sarcoma that was the cause because I have seen 1st hand what an aggressive, rapidly progressing disease it is, and how quickly it can yank our love ones out of our lives. To answer your other question- Yes, it is appropriate to talk with her doctors to clear up any questions you may have.  They, of course, might want to charge you for their time, (I'm not sure how things in Canada are regarding things like that), but I'd think it is certainly your right to attempt to get your questions answered.     

I'm sorry that you are having to go through all this, and that your wife was taken from you way too soon.  

[Justin K]

On 12/5/2018 at 9:11 PM, crackerjack4u said:

@Justin K  I just saw your thread, and wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your loss. 

Our stories are similar in a lot of ways (even the titles of our threads are very similar).  I'll do a quick recap of my story as it too is a rather long one.  I lost my husband on Oct 24th 2018, he was diagnosed in 2016 with lung cancer, attempted removal of the lung was unsuccessful due to too much scar tissue so they sent him for radiation treatments (he refused chemo), I took him to the ER on August 24th for unrelieved pain, they found 2  large masses on his adrenal glands that were Not there 4 months prior, and 2 enlarged lymph nodes, they suspected lung cancer metastasis with lymph node involvement,  he was released on the Aug 26th, returned to ER on the 28th and a scan done that day was worded as "Appears to be worsening of pneumonia" he was never treated for pneumonia the 1st time, 2 days before, so we wondered how could it be worsening of pneumonia when he was never told or treated for in the 1st place. Biopsy done 9/3/16, it took Forever to get the results. Got results along with Hospice referral on 10/16/18 Diagnoses- was Epithelioid Angiosarcoma. 

He passed away 8 days later on 10-24-18.  So it was 2 months exactly from the time he started having symptoms to the day he passed away, and in that time it was horrible, every day he was faced with more drastic decline and new challenges from that disease.   

I can certainly understand you having so many questions, as it seems I too have more questions than answers.  I can't with 100% certainty answer your question for you, but I'd be willing to lay the odds on it having more than likely been the Sarcoma that was the cause because I have seen 1st hand what an aggressive, rapidly progressing disease it is, and how quickly it can yank our love ones out of our lives. To answer your other question- Yes, it is appropriate to talk with her doctors to clear up any questions you may have.  They, of course, might want to charge you for their time, (I'm not sure how things in Canada are regarding things like that), but I'd think it is certainly your right to attempt to get your questions answered.     

I'm sorry that you are having to go through all this, and that your wife was taken from you way too soon.  

Hi @crackerjack4u, actually your earlier thread was one of the first ones I read when I lost my wife last Oct 27, a few days later to yours. I wanted to write but I didnt know what title to put so your's gave me an idea.

I am deeply sorry your loss, we both are having the hardest times of our lives. Honestly, reality is starting to sink in and every day feels heavier and darker. Day time is okay, I focus at work and have good friends, but when night time comes when it's quiet, loneliness and sadness crawls upon you. I know a few people who have experienced loss say that there is no going around or escaping grief, there is only going "through" it if I wanted to heal. One night, I hurt my shoulder as I punched the mattress because crying can't relieve me from the hurt I am feeling. It was the first time I got physical due to my loss.

Right now, I feel lost that I cannot find meaning in my life anymore. Yes, I have both my parents and sister, I love them so much, but losing the love of your life shook the world and dreams we were working towards crumbled. Can anyone give me an advice? My friends tell me, "dont be so hard on yourself" - I cannot understand what they're trying to tell me. It is what I feel. I havent missed a day praying to God, praying the Rosary, since my wife passed away, but I still cannot find peace and joy. I still cannot see which direction God wants me to go, or any sign of His purpose for me. I even haven't had any dreams about my wife since she passed away. I just miss her so much, sometimes I do crazy things just to feel she's there.

[ModHerc]

@Justin K,

I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through.  Direction, meaning, and purpose will reveal themselves in time.  For now you might simply look at your purpose as finding a way to learn to live with your grief.  I know that for me, this is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Dealing with it, and eventually finding a way to keep her in my heart, but still live a life that resembles what she would want for me, was more than enough work.  I think I have found my way to that point though, and continue to drive myself toward that goal daily.  Wishing you peace and all the serenity you can find,

Herc

[foreverhis]

On 11/10/2018 at 8:59 PM, Justin K said:

I wanted to have a family, but right now it feels like my late wife is irreplaceable.

Your wife is irreplaceable.  There will never be a love like her, but that doesn't mean you won't find love again.  No love is the same because each comes with its own wonders and challenges.  We are unique individuals.  Keep that in mind for down the road so you don't find yourself comparing another person to your wife all the time. I'm not saying lower your standards or "settle" just because you don't want to be alone.  You should absolutely not do that; my uncle did and it ended up being a disaster.  If you do meet someone, let things unfold slowly and naturally, then you will know if a new love is the right one for you.  You have time to have a family if and when you meet someone.

As others have, I urge you not to rush through the grieving process.  While you are grieving, you should focus only on your needs, your life, and your "now."  Take all the time you need to process what happened.  Absolutely talk to her doctor(s) and ask questions.  It might help you to understand better.  Talk to your doctor if you think it will help.  And please ask if medication for panic attacks and sleeping would be helpful for you.  Do not hold back anything from your doctor.  Admitting how you are and what is happening will not make you weak in his or her eyes; the doctor can only figure out how to help you if you are brutally honest.  I understand that may be easier said than done.  My husband and I had/have the same internist and had for more than 20 years, so he already knew what our relationship was like and had continued to treat my husband's everyday concerns.

I am so very sorry you lost your beautiful love and at such a young age.  The truth is that no matter when it happens, it shatters the life of the spouse/partner left behind.  All any of us can do is try to find support in whatever form we can.  Obviously, this forum can be a big help.  

I wish you peace as you walk this painful road.  You are not alone.

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Justin K said:

Hi @crackerjack4u, actually your earlier thread was one of the first ones I read when I lost my wife last Oct 27, a few days later to yours. I wanted to write but I didnt know what title to put so your's gave me an idea.

I am deeply sorry your loss, we both are having the hardest times of our lives. Honestly, reality is starting to sink in and every day feels heavier and darker. Day time is okay, I focus at work and have good friends, but when night time comes when it's quiet, loneliness and sadness crawls upon you. I know a few people who have experienced loss say that there is no going around or escaping grief, there is only going "through" it if I wanted to heal. One night, I hurt my shoulder as I punched the mattress because crying can't relieve me from the hurt I am feeling. It was the first time I got physical due to my loss.

Right now, I feel lost that I cannot find meaning in my life anymore. Yes, I have both my parents and sister, I love them so much, but losing the love of your life shook the world and dreams we were working towards crumbled. Can anyone give me an advice? My friends tell me, "dont be so hard on yourself" - I cannot understand what they're trying to tell me. It is what I feel. I havent missed a day praying to God, praying the Rosary, since my wife passed away, but I still cannot find peace and joy. I still cannot see which direction God wants me to go, or any sign of His purpose for me. I even haven't had any dreams about my wife since she passed away. I just miss her so much, sometimes I do crazy things just to feel she's there.

I had always been an avid pray-er, God was in my life, but after George died, I felt God was a million miles away and like I couldn't reach him.  I felt my prayers hit the ceiling and bounced back.  After about a year or so, I remember realizing that God had been with me all the time, carrying me at times, but it was just the state I was in, I couldn't see for the grief...it was me, not Him.  So trust that your prayers are getting through and eventually things will have more clarity, it does take time, we're trying to adjust as fast as we can but it's a process that is slow and takes much time.  Maybe your friends mean to be patient with yourself and understanding of yourself because you are going through so much.  

The tips I wrote on the first page were what I found that helped me.  Herc also gave his tips elsewhere.  Maybe print them out and read them now and then.  Sometimes we're not in a state of readiness right then but later on we can receive it...

[ModHerc]

Here they are to make finding them easier.

Reviewing what I have done through my grief journey lead me to create this list.  Everyone’s path through this is unique, but there are many things that we have in common.  I hope that people fresh to grief find it helpful, as well as giving those further along on their journey opportunity to reflect.

1.  One day, one moment, one breath at a time. - It is ok to look at the future, particularly if you are having strong moments.  When it starts causing anxiety, panic, or discomfort it is important to stop and deal with grief in smaller, more manageable pieces.

2.  Practice self-care, particularly in the small things. – Your loved one would want you to take care of yourself.  This applies to all aspects of grief, but basic elements in particular.  Eat what you can, sleep when you can, exercise if you can, and drink plenty of water.

3.  Accept help from others when you need it, and help others when you can. -  It is hard at times to accept help.  Grief may make you may feel that you are a burden, or that you aren’t worthy of being helped, both of which are untrue.  People who offer help do so because they want and need to.  It is often part of their grieving process.  If someone offers help without specifics, you may try to think of one small, but concrete thing they can do.  Let them pick up something from the store for you, cook you a meal, or help clean a room.  These are small things that have visible results.  Remember the "when you can" of helping others.  Helping people builds a sense of self-worth and purpose, but you have burdens of your own and don't need to overextend yourself.

4.  Establish and stick to routines. - This puts order into chaotic lives.  Try to go to and get out of bed every day at the same time.  Set schedules, with alarms in your phone if needed for the basics of life, shopping, caring for pets, eating, or cleaning.

5.  Allow time to grieve. - Ignoring your grief may lead to further problems.  There are times when it is appropriate to try and disguise your emotions and grief, but if you do that for too long it may lead to a setback in your grieving journey.  You may want to add this to your routines, and set one time a day to think about your emotions, loss, and how to cope with it.  Over time you may find you simply know when you need to take time to process your grief.

6.  Before making big changes take time to think them through. – This seems to go against one day, one moment, one breath at a time, but it is important.  Avoid making big changes in the first year.  Slow down and make sure what you are doing is good for you, not a reaction to your grief.

7.  Try new things. - The reverse of establish and stick to routines.  While routines bring order to the chaos, trying new things opens the door to future possibilities.  Start small, such as changing your routes to and from work or the store.  When you feel comfortable, look at trying large things such as changing long term patterns of behavior that no longer work for your situation.

8.  Do what feels right for you. – Self-confidence is often damaged by personal loss and grief.  You may stop trusting your instincts and second guess yourself.  Often your instincts are still correct.  If you don’t feel you are ready for something, listen to that inner voice.  This journey is hard enough, on occasion it is ok to indulge yourself even if it seems selfish to others.

9.  Separate guilt from regrets. -  Regrets are natural and we all wish we had done better at times.  Guilt is feeling you have done something wrong and blaming yourself for the situation.  None of us needs blame or condemnation through this process, least of all from ourselves.

10. It is OK to not be OK. – You are going through a very difficult experience.  It is normal to feel panic, anxiety, fear, anger, and depression.  Take those moments for what they are and work through them as slowly as you need to.  If you don't get something the first, fifth, or five thousandth time, that is understandable.  Take your time, regroup and try again.  Anyone who doesn't understand doesn't matter, and anyone who matters will understand.

11.  Grief can be a part of you without controlling you. – Early in grief it is all you may feel, in ways it may define you.  As you move through this grief journey, you will come to points where you can define your grief rather than the other way around.  While you may never be rid of it, you do not have to give it power over you.  You can find ways to live with it and find purpose or happiness even though grief will still be a part of you.

 12.  When truly lost, seek out an expert, then take and follow their advice.  -  No one knows everything.  It is normal to feel isolated and abandoned in grief.  Asking for, and accepting help doesn’t make you weak in any way.  It gives you the strength of your entire community.

Hoping you find this helpful, and wishing you all the peace and comfort possible

Herc