To Those Beginning This Journey Of A Loss

[Sunflower2]

There are no words!  I do feel and understand this deep loss and despair....the grief journey is such a personal individualized and painful one.  

If I were to say to you it will get lighter and I promise you it will get lighter I understand if you find that hard to grasp at this moment.  For me I needed to hear that continuously.  I had people promise me it would get lighter. People who went before me in experiencing a loss of this magnitude. I begged them to promise me. Different but lighter.  

We are never ready to say good-bye to our loved one's physical presence.  Even in this state of numbness you now find yourself in try to begin to receive the knowledge and energy that your loved one DOES see you.  Your love one DOES visit you in your dreams. Your loved one IS THERE when you need help. In time you will feel them, differently, but you will feel them  as you begin to engage in activities that you two once shared and as you begin re-creating your guilt of your newness as you find the right pieces to blend together.

Be gentle with your fragile feelings and know that what you are experiencing, as painful as it is, is part of the healing process.

If you are not feeling your loved ones presence it may signify that your loved one is involved in some much needed self care for their soul's growth.  They are there though! This too I promise.  Keep your senses alive and awake even in this pain.

You have been through a life-changing experience. The world and life as you know it are different now

Use this experience to look around your world and see who supports you in it and who does not. Your entire world has been turned upside down and no one can put it back to "normal."  There is support and love around you!  Reach for it!

You DO HAVE the strength.  

My story:    I lost my partner on September 24th, 2017 suddenly.  xo

[Bairlyhangingon]

I also lost my husband suddenly on October 5 2018 due to a motorcycle accident I am 38 he is 36 we have two kids 18 and 13 we have been together 20 years since high school and this pain is impossible to explain to anyone that hasn't dealt with the loss of a spouse! We were inseparable since we met and truly were and our best friends! I still don't want to believe I won't see him again I can't sit anywhere in our house except my sons room I have only been in me and my husbands room maybe 3 times since the day he left me all alone! I'm so lonely and lost without him! I hate that I lay in bed all day but hate not spending the days with him I miss everything about him even the days he would be mad or yell at me I would give anything for those days again! I never understood people that had depression but I completely understand it now it takes over your body and world! 

[Nlarios17]

I lost my husband on October 19, 2018.  He passed suddenly at home in our bed. We had three short years together.  Married one year and 5 days.  It seems that we had been together a lifetime. I hear constantly that it will get easier.  I’ve only been back home 4 times.  Staying at my sisters.  My oldest (20) moved back in a few days ago so I won’t have to be alone.  I try to believe what I’m told, but most of my time is spent crying.  Mornings are the worst, remembering he’s gone. It’s so hard to sign papers to remove him because of legalities. He was my strength and light.  I was his world. And he made sure I knew it. 

[ModKatB]

I lost my husband on February 9, 2018 to cancer. He was my one true love and while neither one of us was perfect, we were perfect together. We were married for 21 years and it would have been 22 years on 10/19/18 if he had lived. I still have days where everything seems to go wrong but I have found as Sunflower2 and others have said, it does get a little bit easier as the days pass. You don't ever forget but it becomes a little easier to handle the memories.

[KayC]

Sunflower, thank you for that uplifting message, you are so right.  If those newer to this grief could just hang on to our words of hope and promise...we can't say how long it will take to get there, it's individual to us all, but we will adjust and it will become more bearable.  What we do to help ourselves does make a difference.  We can see a grief counselor, read books and articles on grief, come here, journal, see your doctor, etc., everything we do is a small help that adds up to a difference in our adjustment.  And value ourselves, learn to demonstrate self-care.  We have loved ones that would miss us so our being gone is not an option, we have to stick it out and we do it one day at a time.  Or as Darrel says, one foot in front of the other.

We are the ones that had a spouse we loved more than the world and miss beyond words!  We are the ones carrying on their legacy and bringing honor to them.  

[Sunshine247]

My husband passed away a month ago today, on October 4, 2018. He had prostate cancer and had been going through treatment for it for the past 2 1/2 years, since his diagnosis in May 2016. His prognosis was very good until March, when we learned that it had started spreading to his bones and possibly his brain. He went through 7 different courses of treatments - androgen inhibitors; proton therapy; Zytiga; chemo and a clinical trial study for immunotherapy; a second clinical trial - which really affected him badly and started his decline; then Xtandi, and finally Keytruda. And he did CBD/THC oil as well. He was still strong and healthy, although thinner and more tired, through August but at the end of August, he just really started to wind down. He had an injection of Keytruda on September 25 and ended up being hospitalized two days later - it was just too much for his weakened system to handle. He spent six days in hospital and then was transferred to a skilled nursing facility (nursing home) - entere on Tuesday, October 4 and was glad to be there - he didn't want to be at home and he didn't want to have me take care of him on my own so he was glad to have trained professionals that could care for him. At this point, he wasn't even able to sit up on his own or walk to the bathroom, he was so weak. On Wednesday an occupational therapist came and had him sitting up and he ate his lunch while sitting up - he was still able to feed himself, even though he has lost almost all of his appetite. I was visiting with him that afternoon and he told me to go home, he just wanted to sleep and I needed to get some rest myself and take care of our dogs. So - I told him "I love you" and he said "I love you" and I left. They called me the next morning and told me that he had passed away peacefully and painlessly in his sleep. For that, I am grateful. But the hole that is left in my heart and life is undescribable and unbearable. I try to just get through TODAY and not think about anything in the future. One of my sisters told me to look to the future - I have no future to look forward to. We don't have kids - never wanted them - so I don't have graduations or weddings or grandkids to look forward to or plan for. We had been living most of the year in Mexico in the Riviera Maya, south of Cancun, and our entire network of friends are there but I am in California, near San Diego, where we came to live when he needed treatment. We lived in San Francisco for a long time and had friends there, but a lot have moved, retired, or have just gone in different directions - they are busy with kids and school, etc. and we are older and not involved in those things. We don't know anyone in our area except my brother and sister in law (which is why we chose that area, to be close to them in case we got old and sick). I am 57 and my husband was 71, which is still young. He loved life and lived it to the fullest and we were blessed to have an amazing life that most people only dream about. But I miss him so much, I know that the best days of my life are over, I am going to have financial changes too since I am not old enough to collect his Social Security payment, and I am struggling with financial and legal details now. Reading posts here has been very helpful - I have been a member for about a month, but this is my first post. But we are all in the same situation, just at different levels and this is a club that I wish no one to join. We had a memorial service for my husband near his hometown in Arkansas this weekend and it was great to see family and friends and to have such an outpouring of support and love for my husband, but today, it is back to being alone, having no one to talk to, and no one who understands. I will fly back home tomorrow and I am looking forward to that, to be with my dogs (they do help and provide a lot of comfort) and just being in our own little house and sitting outside in our yard that overlooks mountains and is very peaceful. Deep breaths and meditation and telling myself that he is in a better place, he is not suffering - he never really did, except maybe the last day when he was in a lot of pain but we both thought it was from the PT - and that he was able to keep his dignity and just go to sleep. He never even went into hospice, was never even told that he was headed there. My life will never be the same and I have no idea where it is going to go. We own a condo in Mexico but I'm not ready to go back there yet. Or maybe ever. If someone tells me that I'm still young enough to meet someone else, I will punch them in the throat - I do not ever want to be with anyone else. It's not like getting another dog. I've had a lot of pets pass away and have learned to deal with that grief, but that is something that you expect when you adopt them. 

 

Sorry this is so long and rambling. It feels good to get some thoughts out. Thanks for having this forum and for all of the helpful posts and insights. I know that this is not something that any of us will ever "get over" - we will just find a way to learn to live with it, to adjust, to get used to having this feeling like we were punched in the stomach all the time. I keep thinking that I am starving and eat and it only makes me nauseous - it is nerves and anxiety and stress.

 

Blessings to all of you and much love. Praying that God or a higher power or whatever you believe in helps you on this horrible journey - my faith helps me but sometimes, it is hard to keep it.

My husband's name is Bob and he was a brewer at Anchor Brewing, makers of Anchor Steam beer, for 24 years and he was very proud of that. Here's my favorite photo of him that I took a couple of years ago to celebrate National Beer Day at our home in Mexico. Please raise a toast to him - he is a great guy and would make you laugh until you cried.

[HPB]

@Sunshine247 

I'm very sorry for your loss. You put a beautiful picture of Bob!

 

13 hours ago, Sunshine247 said:

We own a condo in Mexico but I'm not ready to go back there yet. Or maybe ever. 

My wife and I own a beachfront condo in Thailand where we lived for the past 5 years in early retirement. We too have no kids, but for us there was also no social network in Thailand beside a few friends living not exactly at the same location. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to return to live in that condo, which we renovated with a lot of effort from scratch only 1 1/2 years ago. We lived a life as a couple, and there's no reason for me to live there alone. It was such a privilege to have time 24/7 for each other, but all those memories hurt so much now being left alone. I will have to sell that condo. Actually Thailand was only an intermediate location to live; we wanted to move in 2 or 3 years to the beautiful home country of my wife (Japan) where my heart lies, and where people share the same values like honesty, trustworthiness, politeness, cleanliness, etc. And we wanted to be there to support the elderly parents in law. It's not going to happen. I lost my beautiful wife, and lost our future in Japan. I lost everything in this earthly life.

You still have your dogs (I don't), but not having kids and without essential social net at the living place puts us in an agonizing isolated situation. Before was shared happiness of two people, left over is an empty unbearable existence of one.

I hope you struggle through these first months in a better way than I did and do;

all the best for the continuation of your sad journey!

[Sunflower2]

@Sunshine247 a beautiful story of your loss and your love even in the pain of grief.

[KayC]

Sunshine,

What a beautiful kindly soul your husband has!  You can see it.  The one thing no one should ever tell a griever is "You'll find someone else."  And yet most of us have had that remarked to us, more than annoying!    If someone tells you that, slug them good for us too!

Welcome here.  I know, the one place no one wishes to be.  But a grief site like this saved me when my husband died 13 years ago.  That's why I'm still here, I want to be here for others going through it, it can be damn hard trying to figure this out on your own.  I lead a grief support group in my town (I live in the country so there was no help available here).  The one thing I know is our lives change forever the day we lost them.  We no longer look at life and death the same.  We learn to live in the present, learn what is important, what isn't.  

The animals we had are also gone now but I adopted a dog (now nearly 11) and a cat (23) and they are my "family" now.  They are tremendous emotional support.  If not for them they would have hauled me off a long time ago for "talking to myself"!  Unfortunately they can't help much with home repairs and car breakdowns and are of no help financially.  But they do occasionally give a thoughtful look and a kiss (well, not the cat) and that means a lot.

You have found a good place here.  I am  very sorry for the loss of your husband...I wish we were all blissfully enjoying our lives together the way it was instead of trying to figure out how to survive without them.   But being as we're in this situation, I'm glad we have each other to go through it with.

[Jamiei]

Cheers to Bob.... looks very happy!! I’m so sorry for your lose but I’ll have a beer today and think of him!

[Moment2moment]

I have been reading here for 5 months now and have cried with all of you and gained strength from all of you as well. I lost my life partner of 27 years in May. She was in hospice 5 months and before that she was in and out of rehabs and hospitals since December 2015 when she suffered a series of strokes at home. At the last she was totally bedbound and getting hospice care at home. I was the sole caregiver through all this and fought to keep her out of a nursing home. She was 68 when she passed. I am 63 and it was just us and our 4 dogs. A few family and friends were supportive on the phone but no one came at any phase of her illness. On October 17 I had to have 2 of our remaining 3 dogs put down-one with a cancer that started the week after my partner died and the other was our 2nd dog who was 18 years old and rapidly declined over the summer. All this was devastating to put it mildly. It is now me left with our youngest 12 year old and at some point soon I will bring in another. Meanwhile we cling to each other as the sole survivors of a once happy family of 2 humans and 6 dogs total.

If it were not for my faith, my dogs, a few key people in my life and this forum I might have checked myself out or been checked out by sheer exhaustion of every fiber of my being. I also see a hospice counselor and that helps too.

I have been blessed in the last 6 months, as of tomorrow. I got a job that I love, met some wonderful supportive friends through that, got a car that runs, and found an informal support system that just emerged slowly.

I no longer have panic attacks but I do have emotional roller coaster rides and just cannot grasp that my beloved is gone and so are 2 of our babies. I believe we will all be together again and feel our separation is temporary. They were all cremated and are here with me. I have come to find that to be very comforting though at first it felt weird.

I love and pray for you all even though I don't know you. You have been a blessing to me. Just wanted to tell my story.

My name on here reflects how I have somehow survived all this. I try to live in the moment the way my dogs taught me. That and the grace of God some how got me to this point.

Thanks for reading. Love to all-

Lily Bell

 

 

[Sunshine247]

We lost our oldest dog in June - she was 14 and she was Bob's dog. And I knew at the time that she was going to be there to meet Bob. The Maya believe that a dog accompanies a human from the underworld up to heaven, so Bella was sent to guide him. We had three dogs and two cats - the oldest cat, who was 18, passed away in her sleep two days after Bob went - that was his cat. So in the last 5 months I have lost my dog, my husband and my cat. I still have two dogs and a cat here with me and they are huge comforts.

Thanks for the kind notes and words of encouragement. Part of the problem for me is that I am the one who is used to helping people with their problems, being the shoulder to cry on, being the voice of reason, of support, of comfort, knowing what to say to make people feel better. I can give myself all the pep talks and rationalizations and tell myself that Bob is in a better place, he is not suffering or in pain and that this is better for him, rather than being sick and suffering and not having any quality of life, but none of that makes missing him any easier.

Thanks for listening/reading and sending love and hugs to all of you.

[KayC]

@Moment2moment  Lily Bell, what a pretty name!  Thank you for introducing yourself and telling your story.  Sometimes I forget that it's not just us here writing but there are countless others we don't see that are reading, each with their own stories.  

My husband and I were also animal lovers, that's weird, even after 13 years of him being gone I still don't know which tense to use, were, are, either suffices I guess, because I believe he's still with me and nothing changed but his body died, we still love each other, we still have relationship, and like you, I totally believe we'll be together again.  My faith has aided me greatly over the years, I don't know what I'd do without it.  I am so sorry for all of your loss, I am down to my dog Arlie, nearly 11, and my cat, Kitty, who is 23.  It scares me the thought of losing either one of them, but I too, have discovered that living one day at a time is all I can do and I try to stay in today and be mindful of this present moment so I don't miss anything.  Funny how death teaches us so much.

@Sunshine247  You are so right, we can know all of these things with our head, but it's our heart we have the problem dealing with, so much emotion and really at a loss to know how to deal with it all.  I've learned more on this journey than in the rest of my life combined, and for those who know me, that says a lot.  I really had not a clue where to start when it first happened.  I'd lost many people in my life, my dad, my niece, nephew, friends, pets, but losing my spouse was so far off the charts!  Since then I've lost more pets, my mom, and a sister, as well as my first grandbabies.  Very hard, but I figure if I can survive the loss of my George, somehow I'll make it through everything else...we just don't relish any of it.

[Sunshine247]

@Moment2moment Hi Lily Bell - very pretty name <3 I am very active in animal rescue and welfare, especially in the Riviera Maya/Playa del Carmen area of Mexico, where my husband and I have been living for the past ten years, back and forth. Five of our seven dogs are rescues from there - we call them Beachmutts, and I established a small 501c3 to raise money, education, awareness and funding for spay/neuter clinics in that area. I've been involved in this work for 15 years and have made some of the best friends in my life through it. It is truly a labor of love. The hardest thing that I've learned doing rescue is that no matter how much we want to, no matter how hard we try, no matter what we do, and no matter how much we love them, sometimes, we just can't save them all. Unfortunately, this applies to people in our lives too. It devastates me that I couldn't save my husband from prostate cancer, especially since that type of cancer is supposed to be one of the most treatable with a high survival rate. My husband is part of the 3% that didn't respond.

A friend of mine in rescue taught me this, and I hope you will carry it with you.

We don't put down our beloved pets. We only put down people. We send up our pets - to run free among the stars, to wait for us at the Rainbow Bridge, to watch over us and love us and give us strength and comfort when we need it. And our loved ones do the same. 

Stay strong. I know that it's hard - I have just passed my one month mark of my husband going up and I am still not used to life without him. I still think he's going to come home from a trip and walk through the door, happy and healthy. I know he is at peace and I feel his love and his strength with me. Lots of happy memories bring me comfort. And those times when the pain and hurt and missing him is just too much to handle - I don't. I just cry my eyes out, scream, punch a pillow, do what I need to do to release it - and then try to think of a really favorite, happy memory to overwhelm the sadness. 

Do the best that you can each day - some days, just getting out of bed is a big success. Take one day at a time. Turn to friends and people here. I have found this forum very helpful, even if I don't participate on it much, reading some of the advice and experiences and being able to relate helps. Try to stay positive - your partner would want you to go on. Part of what keeps me going is that my husband hated the thought of making me sad - he spent every single one of the 8,909 days that we spent together trying to do something each day to make me happy. (Yes, I counted them  ) To make me smile. To make me laugh. Even on his last day, he asked me to go home so he wouldn't worry me. So to honor him now, I can't let myself be sad all of the time because it would break his heart. He didn't want to leave me, I know that, but his body just couldn't hold on any longer.

Sending love and hugs. There are a lot of people here for you - and me - and each other. I wish we never had to get to know one another but sometimes people are brought together for reasons that we don't know or understand and sometimes we just have to trust and have faith, stay strong and believe in love. Let the love of your partner carry you when it gets too hard - those are her footprints in the sand. <3 You will see pawprints too! 

[Sunflower2]

@Moment2momenta beautiful and touching share! You show there is hope even in the pain!

19 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

I have been blessed in the last 6 months, as of tomorrow. I got a job that I love, met some wonderful supportive friends through that, got a car that runs, and found an informal support system that just emerged slowly.

everything can slowly begin bloom one moment at a time.