Need strength

[Jamiei]

It’s been 10 months since I lost Dewayne. Every day since he died has been so very hard. This last week has probably been the worst. I have spent the last 10 months avoiding reality, either staying with family, visiting my kids or working constantly. I decided this month I physically could not travel and work as much as I have, it has taken a toll on my health! No sleep, living out of a suitcase, taking pills to try to sleep, something to get me through the day! Then this week my son lost his job, I know it’s just a job, but it’s weird how something like that sends me about 100 steps backwards.  He flew here last night to spend the weekend with me, he always senses when I’m in a really bad place! He’s such a great kid and I need to be strong for him! I don’t want to add to his stress. I truely feel like I’m in survival mode. Being there for someone else is so difficult right now. Where do you all find strength,  I don’t seem to have it!

[KayC]

I'm not sure we DO have strength.  This is such a knock down thing to go through, it's been 13 years for me and there's times (too many) that I still struggle!  I battle mild depression but don't want to be a zombie or take more medicine so deal with it more frame of mind, keeping balance, living in the present, etc.  Tough, tough!

I'm glad you get a visit with your son, I know how wonderful that is, mine will be coming soon, perhaps in a week or so to help me with a wood stove problem, bringing my granddaughter with him.

Survival mode, that's pretty much it much of the time.  Little by little we build a life we can live, God it takes a long while!  Don't lose hope!

[LeannC45]

3 hours ago, Jamiei said:

It’s been 10 months since I lost Dewayne. Every day since he died has been so very hard. This last week has probably been the worst. I have spent the last 10 months avoiding reality, either staying with family, visiting my kids or working constantly. I decided this month I physically could not travel and work as much as I have, it has taken a toll on my health! No sleep, living out of a suitcase, taking pills to try to sleep, something to get me through the day! Then this week my son lost his job, I know it’s just a job, but it’s weird how something like that sends me about 100 steps backwards.  He flew here last night to spend the weekend with me, he always senses when I’m in a really bad place! He’s such a great kid and I need to be strong for him! I don’t want to add to his stress. I truely feel like I’m in survival mode. Being there for someone else is so difficult right now. Where do you all find strength,  I don’t seem to have it!

I understand how you are feeling. I still cry almost every night and find that I am sensitive and I over react to things I use to handle with ease. I think all we can do is try to find the light in our day and be aware when we actually feel better. I think where you are unfortunately is normal and right where we all are so new in the journey. Like you I am closing in on a year soon and I find that, that brings me all new fears that I am trying to brace myself for. I am afraid because time is going by so fast and that means my husband has missed an entire year of my life and all of his families lives. I still honestly feel like I don't know where he is at times. It still just hasn't sunk in all the way that this is permanent. Of course I know it is but some how I find myself wondering can it really be true, does have to be true!....This is the most brutal experience I have ever had and it takes everything I have to get up everyday and live my life with some kind of purpose. I try to think of what I am grateful for so that I don't dwell in the dark and loneliness. I wish you strength and support. 

[Michelene]

6 hours ago, Jamiei said:

I know it’s just a job, but it’s weird how something like that sends me about 100 steps backwards.  He flew here last night to spend the weekend with me, he always senses when I’m in a really bad place! He’s such a great kid and I need to be strong for him! I don’t want to add to his stress. I truely feel like I’m in survival mode. Being there for someone else is so difficult right now. Where do you all find strength,  I don’t seem to have it!

My aunt has lost 2 husbands...when I asked her how she did it, she said, I just get up and do the day. That being said, I'm at 11 months, and I can barely scrape by. If there are 5 things I need to get done that day--like the never ending paperwork--maybe i manage one or two. Periodically I have a burst of mania and get a lot accomplished. But I know in my heart I feel like if I do them all right, my husband will come back. There's that part. Yesterday I backed into someone's truck at work--they parked behind me in a no-parking zone--and although damage was minor, I was unhinged when I got home, sobbing. No one to comfort me--have to manage this alone. I know a lot of people do this alone everyday, but I am used to having a companion and friend and love during these times. Loss is brutal. I think of phantom limb phenomena, where the person feels like the limb is still there...

[ModKatB]

14 hours ago, Jamiei said:

 I truely feel like I’m in survival mode. Being there for someone else is so difficult right now. Where do you all find strength,  I don’t seem to have it!

I think we all are searching for some way to get thru the next minute, hour, the next day and sometimes it seems like there is no way to make it. This journey we are taking is hard and I am finding out that for me it is a lot of tears, a lot of sleepless nights, many moments of not wanting to take another breath because it hurts so bad. I also am finding out that there are so many of us that are taking this journey together and even though we are not all in the same place, each of us is dealing with all of the emotions that have taken over our lives. I wrote something back in September and shared it here and I am going to share it again because this is one of the things that helps me to keep going. The writing I have been doing helps me to let out these feelings and the last line I wrote in "Keeping Your Memories" is the very reason for me that I get up and try to keep going. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and each of us has to deal with things in whatever way is right for us, but I hope that you will be able to find hope in reading what others post here in this forum. For me it shows that others have been able to keep going and maybe I can find a way to do that too.

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

 

Keeping Your Memories

All of this is so hard, not knowing how to feel.

Emotions going from happy to sad and back again.

Feeling like a ping pong ball, hit from one side then the other.

I am damaged from such intense pain and fear.

Not understanding why I have to be here alone without you.

Feeling like my life is not worth living but knowing I must continue on.

Looking for something that will give me hope for tomorrow.

Wanting to see rays of sunshine, not just tears that fall like rain.

Knowing deep down inside that you would not want me to give up.

So I am going to have to find a way to save my sanity.

I will try hard to find a way to move thru all of the pain.

Because I am the keeper of your love and memories. KB

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Michelene said:

No one to comfort me--have to manage this alone.

I know all too well.  Close your eyes and picture him there with you, holding you, because there's nothing he'd rather be doing.  His love hasn't stopped, just his body gave out.  I believe they so want to be here for us, and even that gives me comfort.

I'm sorry your day ended so hard.  (((hugs)))

[Michelene]

Thank you, KayC

[Sunshine247]

I hold things inside and then the smallest thing will open the well. My father passed away 8 years ago in March, 3 days after my 49th birthday. I had to stay strong for my mother and be supportive of her - I called her EVERY DAY for over three years, from where ever I was, even on the road in the Middle Of Nowhere Mexico with cell phone service so bad that I would be standing out in the middle of a truck stop with a bunch of men jeering at me. She NEVER calls me now - I have to call her if I want to talk and she doesn't  call to see how I am doing. So when Bob passed, I think it just also opened up that floodgate of loss for my dad too, especially since Bob and my dad were only 8 years apart in age and were really good friends. The loss of your son's job gives you the "excuse" to mourn and not have to stay strong for yourself. But, he will find another job - losing a job is nowhere near losing your partner - I have lost both now and know. Try to think of this as an opportunity for your son to be with you now and to start on a new path that might lead you in a new direction too - even if you don't want to go. I have had to learn to keep my heart and mind open to new possibilities - I don't know what the future holds for me, but I am hoping that Bob will be guiding me and leading me to something really remarkable on the other side of the darkness and sadness that I am in. That like winter merging into spring, this season will bring me peace and beauty afterwards. 

Much love to you and blessings to you and your son.

[Jamiei]

6 hours ago, Sunshine247 said:

I hold things inside and then the smallest thing will open the well. My father passed away 8 years ago in March, 3 days after my 49th birthday. I had to stay strong for my mother and be supportive of her - I called her EVERY DAY for over three years, from where ever I was, even on the road in the Middle Of Nowhere Mexico with cell phone service so bad that I would be standing out in the middle of a truck stop with a bunch of men jeering at me. She NEVER calls me now - I have to call her if I want to talk and she doesn't  call to see how I am doing. So when Bob passed, I think it just also opened up that floodgate of loss for my dad too, especially since Bob and my dad were only 8 years apart in age and were really good friends. The loss of your son's job gives you the "excuse" to mourn and not have to stay strong for yourself. But, he will find another job - losing a job is nowhere near losing your partner - I have lost both now and know. Try to think of this as an opportunity for your son to be with you now and to start on a new path that might lead you in a new direction too - even if you don't want to go. I have had to learn to keep my heart and mind open to new possibilities - I don't know what the future holds for me, but I am hoping that Bob will be guiding me and leading me to something really remarkable on the other side of the darkness and sadness that I am in. That like winter merging into spring, this season will bring me peace and beauty afterwards. 

Much love to you and blessings to you and your son.

Thanks hun for the sweet words... we did a cheers to Bob last night! My son said he has some great articles on beer brewing. He enjoyed reading them last night!

[KayC]

You all ought to be in Eugene, OR, microbreweries are big there!  I raised my kids as a teetotaler as my husband and I each had an alcoholic parent, giving the kids a 50/50 chance, and not wanting to contribute to that demise...my daughter is grown and can honestly say she does not have that gene and my son has elected never to take his first drink and find out, so I guess we came out okay.  In my siblings it was also 50/50 and those who had that gene had to fight it.  Luckily I wasn't one.

I love the profile pictures you both have, it shows the relationship you had and I know you miss your hubby terribly.  In my grief support group last week we were talking about the ways we incorporate them in our lives now, it was good discussion.  

[Sunshine247]

Bob worked at Anchor Brewing Company, which is the first craft brewery in the US. It was established in 1896, during the Gold Rush. They brew an amber lager, and it is fermented in open air tubs - as it ferments, steam rises from the yeast - Anchor Steam. We've visited breweries, brewpubs, you name it, all over the US - not so much in Mexico, where there is really only Corona

We're having a Celebration of Life for Bob at the brewery in December - a lot of his friends and co-workers asked me if there was going to be any service in San Francisco, where we lived for many years, and it just seemed like a good idea - that will always be home to us. I am looking forward to that - it will be the first time that I've returned to San Francisco since we moved and sold our house there 4 years ago - to the day. It will be strange not to have Bob with me, but everything is strange now - even going to the grocery store. Half of the usual items on my list aren't on there any more.

We're also having another celebration for Bob's birthday in February in Akumal, Mexico. When we got married,  we had our ceremony in San Francisco and then took the show on the road to Pittsburgh to have a wedding for our families. And then we had another ceremony for our 10th anniversary, and another for our 15th. We always said we'd marry each other all over again, so we did! I'm just continuing our tradition of taking our show on the road - so many people loved Bob and want to share in celebrating a life well lived - it's easier for him to go to them than for all of them to come here!

 

[KayC]

Sunshine,

I'm so glad, it sounds like it will be a good time had by all, even though for a hard reason...I wasn't sure how I'd feel about my husband's memorial but it was actually very positive, I heard a lot of people say a lot of good things about him and it was very good to hear that acknowledgement.  Also he had a wide array of people show up, people who's lives he'd touched, anywhere from local politicians to homeless people, and churchmembers.  I'm sure you'll hear similar at your celebration of his life.  I like that, celebration of life, it's positive.  I wish you well as you ready for that time/s.

[KayC]

I just got to spend the weekend with my son and granddaughter...read her many stories while my son swapped out wood stove doors, we swapped cars so he can figure out what's going on with my heat & A/C, he put in a new valve and faucet in my outdoor building, and dug a trench so the water runoff would flow again in front of my garage.  Was unable to activate the new cell phone he got me for my birthday, but since my old number was ported, it no longer works so I'm w/o one for a while. Meanwhile I cooked up a storm for them and we enjoyed watching a football game Saturday night after my granddaughter went to bed.  Altogether a good weekend and I slept nine hours last night!

 

 

[Moment2moment]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

I just got to spend the weekend with my son and granddaughter...read her many stories while my son swapped out wood stove doors, we swapped cars so he can figure out what's going on with my heat & A/C, he put in a new valve and faucet in my outdoor building, and dug a trench so the water runoff would flow again in front of my garage.  Was unable to activate the new cell phone he got me for my birthday, but since my old number was ported, it no longer works so I'm w/o one for a while. Meanwhile I cooked up a storm for them and we enjoyed watching a football game Saturday night after my granddaughter went to bed.  Altogether a good weekend and I slept nine hours last night!

 

 

So happy for you to have this very special time with them. I can feel your joy and enthusiasm as you talk about it. So nice to have human companionship for dinner and TV time! Plus all that great repair work!

[Lost6263]

On 11/2/2018 at 6:10 AM, Jamiei said:

It’s been 10 months since I lost Dewayne. Every day since he died has been so very hard. This last week has probably been the worst. I have spent the last 10 months avoiding reality, either staying with family, visiting my kids or working constantly. I decided this month I physically could not travel and work as much as I have, it has taken a toll on my health! No sleep, living out of a suitcase, taking pills to try to sleep, something to get me through the day! Then this week my son lost his job, I know it’s just a job, but it’s weird how something like that sends me about 100 steps backwards.  He flew here last night to spend the weekend with me, he always senses when I’m in a really bad place! He’s such a great kid and I need to be strong for him! I don’t want to add to his stress. I truely feel like I’m in survival mode. Being there for someone else is so difficult right now. Where do you all find strength,  I don’t seem to have it!

Saturday was 9 months since Jim passed and I know exactly what you mean. I feel like reality is really hitting me hard in the face right now. EVERYONE seems to have just moved on with life like nothing happened...it's very upsetting. His family had a dinner party Sunday for one of his sister and it felt so hard to get through it, me trying to be there for them and them just enjoying life's like nothing happening. The only thing I do is focus on my breathing, stay away from people as much as I can, and writing down ho I'm feeling. Take a long walk and just focus on your breathing. I hope it helps, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Sunshine247]

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Lost6263 said:

Saturday was 9 months since Jim passed and I know exactly what you mean. I feel like reality is really hitting me hard in the face right now. EVERYONE seems to have just moved on with life like nothing happened...it's very upsetting. His family had a dinner party Sunday for one of his sister and it felt so hard to get through it, me trying to be there for them and them just enjoying life's like nothing happening. The only thing I do is focus on my breathing, stay away from people as much as I can, and writing down ho I'm feeling. Take a long walk and just focus on your breathing. I hope it helps, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Lost,

I know what you mean...all of my anv of death I've had to deal with alone.  Plus he died on Father's Day so I get a double whammy most years.  My kids are busy with their dad then so I don't have them around when I face it.  I've had to learn to deal with it, but it would be easier with support, you know?

The truth is, I think for most life DOES move on...except for us.  For us everything changes.

[Sunshine247]

@Jamiei - just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing and feeling. Sending love and hugs. I know the loneliness can seem overwhelming, but remember, you are never alone. We are all here for you.

[Jamiei]

4 hours ago, Sunshine247 said:

@Jamiei - just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing and feeling. Sending love and hugs. I know the loneliness can seem overwhelming, but remember, you are never alone. We are all here for you.

Hi thank you for checking in... I’m hanging in there, some days are better than others!  My son is coming back for a visit this weekend and then heading to his house for thanksgiving and my daughter will fly in to meet us! I hope your finding some peace and sending you lots of hugs!!

4 hours ago, Sunshine247 said:

@Jamiei - just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing and feeling. Sending love and hugs. I know the loneliness can seem overwhelming, but remember, you are never alone. We are all here for you.

 

[KayC]

Jamiei,

I hope you have a wonderful time with your son and also getting to see your daughter.  

[Sunshine247]

@Jamiei - hope you had a good visit with your son and daughter. It's like you said - some days are better than others. Coming here helps a lot so thanks to everyone for sharing your thoughts and emotions. 

Big hugs to all.

[Jamiei]

59 minutes ago, Sunshine247 said:

@Jamiei - hope you had a good visit with your son and daughter. It's like you said - some days are better than others. Coming here helps a lot so thanks to everyone for sharing your thoughts and emotions. 

Big hugs to all.

Huge hugs back to you!! I hope your doing ok, I know this week is gonna be really tough for all of us!  I’m meeting my son in Los Angeles next week for a job interview he’s going to, he said we’re gonna try to find Bobs beer and give it a try! I’ll send you a picture if we find it!

[Sunshine247]

@Jamiei Depending on where you are going in LA, I am about 1 - 2 hours south. You can find Anchor Steam pretty easily. Thanks for thinking of us! Have a good trip and I'm glad that you will get to spend time with your son.