Members Nlarios17 Posted October 29, 2018 Members Report Share Posted October 29, 2018 My husband was the greatest man I have every known. We had three short years together. Not nearly enough. Two weeks after back surgery, and the day of his follow up where the surgeon said everything was great, he sat on the edge of the bed and said he couldn’t breathe. That he was scared. My husband was not a weak person. He was MY strength. I looked him in the eyes and he fell backwards on our bed. I watched his light fade. I called 911 and tried CPR. Tried to save him. Our first anniversary was October 14. This was the 19th. I feel guilty for breathing. For being alive. For not being able to save him from the blood clot from surgery that went to his lung. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Membership HPB Posted October 29, 2018 Membership Report Share Posted October 29, 2018 @Nlarios17 I'm very sorry that you find yourself here, please accept my deepest condolences. I have no comforting words, but please don't feel guilty. Surviving the loss of the beloved partner means being a victim rather than being guilty. You tried apparently everything you could to save your beloved husband, and I believe he knows that. We are all on this sad journey; I can not offer help but express my compassion in this very early moment while you must be still in full shock. But know that in this forum are other people that are very competent and helping. People, going through the same agony as you, as me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nlarios17 Posted October 29, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted October 29, 2018 I made the mistake of googling grief....all it did was telling me how much life is going to suck. A friend of my sister sent me here. She said this is a much better place to be. Where I won’t here “I know exactly how you feel”..... because no one does. We all grieve differently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKatB Posted October 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted October 30, 2018 5 hours ago, Nlarios17 said: I made the mistake of googling grief....all it did was telling me how much life is going to suck. A friend of my sister sent me here. She said this is a much better place to be. Where I won’t here “I know exactly how you feel”..... because no one does. We all grieve differently. Grief is not a "One Size Fits All" emotion. We all feel the pain, anger, hurt, guilt along with a lot of other things but it affects each of us differently and we all work thru things at our own pace. This journey is a long and hard one but there are many of us traveling that same road. A loved one got their angel wings and it has left a big hole in my heart. So if I don't want to talk, please allow me the silence. If I don't want to leave the house, please allow me my solitude. If I strike out at you, please allow me my anger. If all I can seem to do is cry, please allow me my tears. It will take time for me to fill this empty space left, so please be patient and let me heal. One day the void that was left will be filled with happy memories and my heart be whole again. KB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 30, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted October 30, 2018 @Nlarios17 I am so sorry, that must have been a huge shock. My sister had back surgery the end of July, I've been so afraid of losing her, I already lost my other sister in March. It's very scary and the road back is extremely long, in your husband's case, he didn't get that long, I'm so sorry. It's so wrong that someone can get married and lose their spouse just a year later. I felt our marriage was all too short, it took us a lifetime to find each other, soulmates, totally made for each other! Married 3 years 8 months, to the day. Your deathaversary is the same day as our anniversary. I'm sorry, my heart goes out to you, I know your loss is great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nlarios17 Posted October 30, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted October 30, 2018 We are 40 and 48. My birthday was in the hospital with him. We went through a lot of obstacles to be together, but it was so worth the wait. We both had past failed marriages. Plenty of mistakes. We were perfect together. Now he’s gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 31, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted October 31, 2018 I can relate, ours was our third marriage for both of us. I'd come out of a 23 year loveless marriage. George was wonderful with my kids (his were grown and living in other states), my daughter was already on her own but my son was still a minor. He earned their respect and trust and even more so, befriended them and had a wonderful relationship with them. We met and married in our forties too, but when he died I realized I could live another 40 years (although I hope not, my mom got dementia). I've had to learn to take a day at a time and try not to worry about all of the tomorrows, just do today, today is enough to get through. I'm glad you had some time together as husband and wife at least, I know it was too short, but as someone pointed out to me, any time would have been too soon. True. I want to share my article with you too, it's pretty much everything I've learned on this journey I've been on the last 13 years. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nlarios17 Posted October 31, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted October 31, 2018 Mine are 20 and 17. He never once said “step”. I work in a nursing home, and have seen those who have lost spouses for decades. To have pain that long. I feel like I should be stronger than I am right now, because HE made me stronger. I just can’t. I lost 14 pounds in 11 days. Getting out of bed before noon requires a forklift. I wear his shirts. I scroll his Facebook and see all the posts he had just saying how much he loved me. I’m terrified of the world... of doing things alone. He was my magic carpet. I held on as he showed me life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 1, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted November 1, 2018 My mom was widowed for 33 years. I don't know how she did it. It's been over 13 for me. I don't know how I've done it, it's been very hard at times. One day at a time. I like that, magic carpet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nlarios17 Posted November 1, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted November 1, 2018 Tomorrow will be two weeks. So many calls and signatures to remove him even more from me. I’m from a small, rural life. He was from Los Angeles with a military dad, so he lived over seas. He wanted to show me so many things. He would smile and tell me I was cute for having a child like innocence every time we did something big. He made it his life’s work to make me happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKatB Posted November 1, 2018 Members Report Share Posted November 1, 2018 On 10/31/2018 at 10:35 AM, Nlarios17 said: Mine are 20 and 17. He never once said “step”. I work in a nursing home, and have seen those who have lost spouses for decades. To have pain that long. I feel like I should be stronger than I am right now, because HE made me stronger. I just can’t. I lost 14 pounds in 11 days. Getting out of bed before noon requires a forklift. I wear his shirts. I scroll his Facebook and see all the posts he had just saying how much he loved me. I’m terrified of the world... of doing things alone. He was my magic carpet. I held on as he showed me life. Sometimes it takes a while to find that person that is meant for you. I had been married two times before I met Billy and I was wife #6 for him. All my friends said I was crazy for even thinking of marriage but we proved them wrong. We were married for 21 years and while neither one of us was perfect we were perfect together. He was a loving and kind hearted person and it showed in how he treated me and both of my daughters. He never treated them any differently than he treated his own daughter and he made sure that they were taken care of. I miss him every day and I would give anything to have him back by my side but since that won't happen I am having to learn to be on my own. I won't try to make out like it will stop hurting anytime soon but I can say that you are not alone in this journey. We all come here to write about what we are going thru and to try and find maybe a bit of hope. It helps me to know that there are people here that understand what is happening and that will share with me their stories so that I can see that it is possible to make it thru. As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nlarios17 Posted November 2, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted November 2, 2018 I was married for 17 years to my first husband, and I was Mark’s third wife. Just like you...we were perfect for each other. If I could build a “perfect” man, it would Mark. He and my entire family loved each other. He just stepped right in like he had always been there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 2, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted November 2, 2018 We were perfect for each other too, the biggest blessing of my life along with my kids. I'm sorry it couldn't last so much longer for all of us! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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